[11.02.00] "Paper Thin Walls"~ I have a quote from the Modest Mouse song aforementioned which I think is so clever..."it's been agreed the whole world stinks, so no one's taking showers anymore..." Now, how witty is that? I have such tumultuous feelings inside of me; I don't know how to feel. I mean, I know how I do feel, but I don't need to feel that way, for I am simply setting myself up to fall. And as cynical as that sounds, I'm trying to be realistic and safe. Furthermore, I don't even feel like talking about it or thinking about it (as I get mad at myself).[10.31.00](a.m. hours) "Bloody Mary Morning"~ HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! Well, seeing as how I couldn't get into my webpage last nite, I couldn't tell all about m weekend. Not much went down, though, so not much is missed. I went to see Willie Nelson and the Dixie Chicks in concert on Saturday night. That pretty much rocked, so you can make fun of me as much as you want, but I dug it. Friday night I worked, and got up Saturday morning to sell WWF "wrasslin'" tickets at work. Sunday was a quiet, lazy day, and a beverage night. My sister was supposed to come visit, and we were going to go out, but since we are blessed with the worst luck in the world, her car wouldn't start. I have spent all day today recovering (from the beverages and missing her). Work remains interesting everyday, and I interact with alot of cool people. My writing is not currently going as well as I wish, but we all have down periods, I guess. So much stress remains in my life, I just need to clease my soul and enjoy being with certain people I love. But, I shall not go into that. My attempted bout with honesty is not that strong![10.28.00] "Tiny Dancer"~ WOW, what a great song. Who would've ever thought? I can't stand Elton John, but that song has such a great feel- that piano, the strings, the words. I really want to see ALMOST FAMOUS.It's actually still Friday the 27th on my time, because I can't sleep. I have to get up really early in the morning and go to work to sell WWF tickets. WHOO! That's gonna be tons o' fun! With Halloween coming up, I feel all spooky and I wish it was cold outside. Living here in the Mid-South, you never know if it's gonna snow or shine. It's almost time to begin Christmas shopping, which is rather hard when you don't have money. And I do so love giving people presents. I love to see that look on ther face when they open something you got them that could only be for them. That's so cool. I really don't have anything deep to write about tonite; I'm rather tired, worn out and weary. I'd like to go to sleep beside someone tonite, that's all.[10.23.00] "Are We People"~I don't know how much more worrying I can do at this point. I swear, things can never just be "alright," somethings always got to be going on. But, like my oldest sister said, I guess it's just life. People grow old, their health fades, people are mean and take it out on others, the world never stops spinning. Along with my stepdad going to the ER for tests today, my father also went back to the hospital for the same problem. They keep letting him out and feedinghim medication, but the problem keeps coming up over and over. I just wish the doctors would work on finding out WHY instead of just treating it. And then there's school and I suck at some of my classes because I'm totally disinterested in them, which makes me think there's something wrong with me. Plus, I have to work, meaning money's tight and I'm always trying to figure that one out. And here I am complaining when I know that I could be alot worse off like some people are, and therefore I'm taking everything for granted. But, sometimes I get really tired of being tough and holding it all in, yet I don't want to drop all my problems on anyone at all. Sometimes I wish I just had someone to sit and listen and tell me everything was gonna be ok and believe them at the same time. Heh, I'm not so sure I'd believe them ever though. Watching one of my favorite movies tonite, LA STRADA by Fellini, I thought of how life is. The lead character, Gelsomina, is always reaching, grasping for that thing that will make her smile or feel whole, but her life ends in madness. Was it the search or the verdict that drove her crazy? the loss? the realization? And here I am, on the Internet, telling everyone in the world my worst problems, and I can't even be honest with myself or the ones I love. [10.22.00] "Bizarre Love Triangle"~And no, I don't have any juicy news on being involved in a love triangle of any kind, and no, I'm not involved in one. Tonite's title was inspired by a movie I watched about one tonite called "Splendor." I realize it's been a few days since I've updated this damn thing, but it's because so much has been going on around here. Since Friday, my car got broken into, my dad has been in/out of the hospital, we had a party, and my roomate had a birthday. I think Memphis is gonna make me hard. Tough, I mean, hopefully not bitter, but with my car getting jacked up and all, I don't know. They took my CD player and some CDs, which really sucks. I lost a Modest Mouse CD, a Madonna CD, a LeTigre CD, a custom-burned CD...ugh, it pisses me off! But, it happens, so I'm dealing. I've been working alot, but the people I work with as well as the atmosphere are really cool. I am always so tormented. I swear I can't be comfortable with my life. But, then, if I had some secure, comfy little life, what would I ever have to write about? I find inspiration in people and interactions, and since that's always in constant conflict, it keeps me pseudo-creative. Well, enough ranting...[10.18.00] "If Winter Ends"~I can't believe my best friend Melissa left for New York today and I didn't even get to talk to her. She called yesterday, but I had a full day with work and class, and didn't get to call her back. I didn't realize today was the day she was leaving for CMJ. I hope she has a good, safe time and sees lots of cool bands. Ah, school is sucky and I'm lazy. I can't believe I have a Brit Lit midterm tommorrow; I can't believe it is midterm already. I wish had had better things to think about than the future. I mean, I'd like to be able to live in the second, enjoy life as it goes by, not as it comes. Does that make sense? It seems I'm always waiting on something to happen next, expecting something new. Usually, it doesn't happen or at least not the way I'd anticipated, which normally ends up with negative emotions. Its like I set myself up to be disappointed. Hindsight really is 20 fuckin' 20. I'm so screwed up for someone who once could say they knew thyself. I almost don't know what I want anymore in some things. Or I say I want one thing, when really I'm being dishonest with myself because I want something else.[10.17.00] "What's Love Got to do With It?"~I think I might have lost my faith in people. I have always prided myself on the love I hold for humankind, and that's still there, but that's an undying fire. Yet, I want to know what it is that makes people feel that they can't be free and honest with others? I mean,how do folks really go around living falsely? why does dishonesty and sugar-coating overrule plain old truth? And I think I'm missing something in my life, and I don't know what it is or how to get it. Sometimes i think I want somebody to hold me and that would make it better. But, a huge part of me tells me that the last thing I need is somebody to complicate things. Part of me wants to experience some sort of beauty, but not in the conventional relationship sense. I think that relationships thrive on selfishness and degradation, but I only have that warped sense of it from what I've seen and been thruogh. Can anybody help me? I can probably only help myself...[10.16(15).00]"Downtown"~It's been awhile since Jason and I took one of our late-nite trips to downtown Memphis; that just got me thinking. But, I've noticed how more and more how my titles reflect my napster downloads for the nite, too. Besides that, I made great decisions for the day, but have since then forgotten them with overloads of "forgetting substances." I start my new job tommorrow; I am so afraid of screwing up. Hopefully that will wear off as "new job blues." God, I wish I could recall those great thoughts I had today. I think they were about falling in love. There are certain people I need to speak to. But, I've been unable to reach, so there. I wish I could write more...maybe I'll update in awhile...[10.14.00]"When Thy Song Flows Through Me"~Cool. Very cool. I just found and listened to a Free Kitten cover of X-Ray Spec's "Oh Bondage, Up Yours." I am becoming a regular Napster downloadin' queen. I also obtained a Will Oldham song, hence the title of this entry. Very enlightening. Hmmm, what's been going on? Well, I told a lie when I said I was going home Friday. I'm actually going home in the morning, seeing as how it's now in the A.M. of Saturday. Sorry. Tonite I began working on my short fiction piece for my beloved Creative Writing class. At least, I hope it's gonna end up being suitable for class. I'm not very confident about my short story writing abilities. We'll see. I also pledged a vow today (yesterday) to start drinking lots of water. Heh, I'm sure that's information everybody reading my page needs to know! Anyway, I also pledged that I would stop worrying about what's going to happen in the future so much, but that's been a long-time problem of mine, so let's see how that'll pan out! I need to make a vow to attempt to make these entries a little more introspective and alot more interesting. It's just that when I usually do them, it's late and I'm worn out, and I don't feel like going very deep or being very fluent. On that note, I think I'll end it and go listen to some more great music...[10.13.00]"Close to Me"~Last nite was a good nite. I went to hear Moses Mays play at the Map Room downtown. He is an amazing songwriter and it was nice to talk to him after such a long while. He is a bright soul, full of intelligence. I've got great news, too. I got a job today! I will now be an employee of Cat's Music. I start next week, which will be nerve-racking, but I am excited at the prospect of having money again. I'm going to be gone home for the weekend, therefore my page won't be updated for a few days. But, check back and see what's going on Sunday. Good karma and all...[10.12.00]"Time Has Come Today"~Well, here I am trying to make some sense out of yesterday, which technically is still today since I haven't gone to bed yet. I get all these ideas to use on my page, but when I get here, I can't muss up the strength to work them out. I decided today -when I started to get a migraine that ended up culminating into lower back pain- that I'm really gonna have to chill out. Not only is my body exhausted from the stress I put on myself, but my mental state is one of anxiety and unrest. On a good note, there is a show I'm supposed to go to at the Map Room tommorrow night. It's supposedly someone I knew in Murfreesboro and for those of you who know me and know who he is, you can see why I'm unneccessarily excited. Nevertheless, he is an amazing songwriter and musician and I'm looking forward to it. Well, before my shoulders completely knot up in bundles, I'm going to finish up here.
