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Oooh! It's an interview with welsh noisemeisters McLusky. Who are far better than Wheatus I thought I must add.


This interview takes place downstairs at the Monarch in Camden, which is like a cave, but with a worse selection of drinks. Present are Andy, Jon and Matt, plus Matt and Nick who are conducting the interview. On a borrowed Dictaphone as we cannot afford proper equipment.


Q: You have a gun and one bullet. Lined up against a wall in front of you have Saddam Hussein, George W Bush and Fred Durst. Who do you shoot and why?


Andy: I'd have to say George W Bush for his policies on abortion. The guys a f--king fascist, he also believes in soup kitchens for the poor. The guy's a c--t and he must be assassinated. Anyone one who reads this interview must assassinate him! I'd assassinate him if someone gave me a gun. I don't know if that question's really relevant, there's so many people I want to kill.

Jon: Loads of people, Britney Spears?

Andy: Nah, I don't want to assassinate her, I want to make her suffer! That's a different thing.

Make her listen to her own music!

Andy: I want to assassinate Damon Albarn at the minute, I'd love to take him outside and kick him in the head, with his whole 'World Music Peter Gabriel Thing'. Like that him saying 'all indie music is rubbish', y'know, it was rubbish a long time before he started being rubbish, y'know what I mean.

F-ck it, George W Bush, but it would be right through the stomach. He would die horribly.


Q: If you were to enter a robot in Robot Wars, what would your main weapon be and what would it be called?


Andy: If I were to enter Robot Wars it would purely be for the express reason of smacking Craig Charles. And for no other reason.

Mat: I'd jump in there! I reckon they're all about that big! (Makes hand gesture showing robots to be about 5cm high) So when you get in there you can just kick them all over the place!

Andy: But I think it would be to get Craig Charles. Part for me. It's all about Craig Charles.


Q: If you had to donate one member of the band to charity, who would it be and why?


Andy: I dunno, I think it would be Harding as he has the kind of pubic thing going on all over his body. He's metapubic.

Jon: Give him to charity

Mat: Hang on once I gave my last pint to a Buddhist!

Jon: A Buddhist?

Once someone tried to convince me to be a Buddhist the other day.

Andy: What day was it?


Andy: That's why. Buddhism's a weekend thing. Especially for people in the Home Counties. It's all about eastern religion; it works better when you have more time on your hands I think.


Is the hidden track 'Evil Frankie' anything to do with the atrocities committed by Frankie Goes To Hollywood?


Andy: Yes, yes, comma, yes.


If you were superheroes what would your names be and powers?


Jon: Ah…superheroes. C'mon we've definitely thought about this!

Andy: I'd be able to say anything I needed to say within 15 seconds…..

Mat: My name would be Big Benny! And my special power would be that I could make any sweet I wanted on command in both hands! People would love it, I'd be like 'Oh I really need food', or 'I need a Mars bar' or whatever, I could be able to make a mars bar. Homeless? Anything? When anyone needed sweets Big Benny would be there. That's my speciality.

Andy: I've got to be honest and call myself 'Mecha-flange.' But I can't tell you why.

Mat: Spell it!

Andy: Umm…. Next question.

Q: Whom do you reckon Slipknot look like under their masks?


<All shout out names>

Les Dennis,

Graham Norton

Tammy Wynette

Dale Winton

The Clangers

Mat: How many of them are there?

Jon: 208.

Mat: The clown has to be Russ Abbott! Cos, he's disappeared. I'm sorry but Russ Abbott is the f-cking clown in slipknot! Gone into the underground.

Andy: Diana Ross. And the 'Suplemes', who are like the Supremes but shorter.


Q: Which one of these would you prefer to die by? A rusty spoon, a rusty cheesegrater, rustic cheese or Russ Abbot?


Mat: That's spooky

Andy: I'd like to die at the hands of Russ Abott, because I'd make sure I took him down at the same time, and if I could take down Les Dennis, and his awful slag of a Neil Morrisey sucking wife at the same time I'm sure I could cope with that. That's made me worry now, it might happen.

Y'never know it's a f-cked up world.


Q: What was the first CD you ever bought?


Jon: Does it have to be on CD?

No it can include vinyl/whatever..

Jon: The first album I ever bought was the Iron Maiden double live album, and I bought it for a pair of leather gloves. It's not very exciting but it's true.

Andy: I honestly can't remember. I know what was the first CD I had bought for me, which was Queen/Like Magic, which I stamped on.

Jon: The first CD I had bought for me was Vanilla Ice.


Andy: The first album I ever bought for me was Harry <something inaudible -help>, and I stamped on it and my mother threw it out. A kid down the street got the CD and was playing it. I didn’t stamp hard enough and that's a lesson. When you stamp on something really stamp on it! Don't hold back.


Q: What's the worst CD you currently own?


Andy: Joy's a bit shit isn't it?

Jon: Yeh

Andy: I don't like the b-sides. Why do you have to make the questions so hard?

We sort of try and make it progressively harder.

Andy: Well, I bought the Queens of the Stone Age Album, and then I took it back. So I don't actually own it. Feel Good Hit of the Summer is amazing, but the rest of it sounds like Alex Chase (? Is this right? ) So I don't know…

You must have one really bad record you hide at the bottom of the CD rack.

Andy: My mother gave me a Simon and Garfunkel CD when I was about 14, a couple of the songs and tunes are quite nice, but, that song about 'Hello Lampost!', I can't get under that, cos if you're singing to a lampost you've lost it. I don't care where you are, which park you're in, or whether you're in some sort of general recreational ground but it's no excuse for saying hello to a lampost.

Jon: I think the worst CD currently own is REM/Monster

Andy: Oh, their 'punk' album. I like what's the frequency. The rest of it sucks shit. There's another one but I can't remember what it's called.


Q: If you had Britney Spears what would you do to her?


Jon: Ah, fantastic question…

Andy: I think a spelling test would be appropriate.

Jon: Maybe…. mental arithmetic. Maybe one of those tests where you give someone a plate with 50 things on them and they have to see how many things they can remember. Or maybe ten things, and they each represent a finger or a toenail, hang on, that's twenty things, (you have to push her you see) and for everyone she didn't get right you'd pull a fingernail out.

Andy: I think I'd probably do the witch test on her. See if she floats. Or I'd lock her in a room watching Logan's Run until she thought it was real.


Q: Who is god, Steve Albini or David Bowie?


Andy: Chris Morris. Steve Albini is f-cking good, but not a god. Chris Morris is god. Have you heard his Pixie's piss take?

Not yet

Andy: A lot of people go, which Pixie's song is this? Get your hands on it or on the net or whatever.


Right, how do you turn this thing off…..


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