How Can I Ease The Pain

Dear Diary,

You’re the only one I tell of my secret thoughts and desires. Today was the last day of the 5th tournament. I can really see where my skills are improving. What I can’t see is myself entering the next tournament, whenever that may be. I saw Jin during the tournament. I wanted to talk to him, ask him why he does this to me. He has to know how I feel about him. I don’t hide it. Courtesy would be to tell me he’s not interested, but that’d be a lie. I saw how his body is around me, when the fighters are in the gym. I’ve looked up and seen watching, but when I make a move towards him, he quickly leaves. Making me feel like a fool. Maybe I am a fool. A fool for love, anyway. But, I think it was today, the thought of possibly never seeing Jin again, that hurt the worst. I saw him just before he left. Almost vanishing into the wind. I ran after him, but there was no sign that he was ever there. So because everyone that was in the tournament has to go over to the main building for their score sheet(s) of the tournament, I know Jin’s going to be there. He’s a shadowy presence that you’re not sure is really there, but he’d never miss a chance to see how close he was to getting Toshin. I plan to make my move tomorrow. Xiao

I turn to see Christie, smiling. She’s wearing her favorite pants and top.

“Hey, Xiao.” She hugs me.

“Hey, Chris.”

“So, is that your score sheet?” I shake my head yes. “Can I see or would you rather me not?” She asked me.

“Sure.” I say kinda distractedly. She takes the paper and a few seconds later, I see her eyes peer over it.

“You did good, Xiao.” She hands the paper back to me. “I’m proud of you. I just hope I did good or at least as good as you.” She has a worried look.

“I know you did.” I hug her. “Probably better than I did.”

“Thanks. I needed that boost of confidence.” I tell her your welcome.

“Anyway, Chris, I gotta go. I have your email address and you have mine, so we’ll keep in touch?”

“You know it, girl.” And I walk off, knowing I’ll never see or talk to her again.

“Xiao?” He calls, walking silently. I move just as swiftly as he does. He never notices that I’ve moved from the very place he’s looking at. I smile. I’ve learned a few things from him.

“Xiao? I know you’re there. Why are you hiding? I’m right here.”

He pushes his hood down, looking around. He finally jumps to the place he knew I was, but he was wrong. I’m farther away than he thinks or could ever comprehend.

“Xiaoyu, stop playing….” He stops. I see he’s found my letter. He starts to read. He doesn’t have to read out loud, I know what’s going through his mind.

Jin,

I’ve always loved you, in case you didn’t know. But I don’t see how you couldn’t. I’ve always been there for you. When you needed a friend. If you ever wanted more. After the 3rd tournament, I wasn’t entering to win the prize money for my amusement park, but for you. But, you kept coming in and out of my life, every tournament.

All alone, on my knees I pray For the strength to stay away In and out, out and in you go I feel your fire Then I lose my self control

Every tournament since the 3rd, you’ve shared very little. I’ve shared all. My hopes and dream; my expectations. The 4th tournament, it wasn’t clear to me that I gave to you and you gave only bits and pieces of your life. I was left with the one question that I just couldn’t answer. ‘How can I ease the pain.'

How can I ease the pain When I know your coming back again How can I ease the pain in my heart How can I ease the pain When I know your coming back again How can I ease the pain in my heart How can I ease the pain

But the 5th, it is truly clear. Truly clear that I gave and gave and gave. So much so that what you gave appears to be nothing. Everytime I saw you, you took a piece of my heart.

Everytime that I let you in You take away something deep within A fool for love is a fool for pain But I refuse to love you again

But now, I can’t love you. I can’t be there for you. Anymore. Even yesterday, I couldn’t help it. I wanted an answer to the steady question, the question that refuses to leave my mind. ‘How can I ease the pain.’

How can I ease the pain When I know your coming back again How can I ease the pain in my heart How can I ease the pain When I know your coming back again How can I ease the pain in my heart How can I ease the pain

I was never really sure that you’d come back again, that I’d see you in the other tournaments. But, now? I know you’ll always come back to the tournaments. But you won’t see me. Why? I won’t be there.

I need to know how How can I... ease it OO, how can I ease the pain I need to know baby OO, how can I ease the pain I need to know how to ease it How can I ease the pain

I now know how I can ease the pain. I’ll leave. You’ll wonder where I am as I’ve wondered where you were. Jin, you’ll not be able to contact me through anyone. They’ll be just as clueless to my whereabouts as you. I’ll move silently about, and I, Xiaoyu, will vanish in the wind. I may be around. I may now. You’ll never know. You’ll never even ‘feel’ that somewhere near. You’ll forever wonder. Maybe I should let you know something, before I go. I’ll be better than you. I’ll kill Toshin where you have failed. I’ll be ‘you’.

Sincerely,

The new Xiaoyu Ling

P.S. If you look behind you, you’ll catch a glimpse of me. As I’ve glimpsed you.

I see Jin turn around. He sees me and just like that…He doesn’t. I’m gone. As far as he can tell.

“Xiao! Xiao! Xiaoyu!” Dropping to his knees, “What have I done?” His hands cover his eyes. He lifts his head and when he moves his hands, I see tears.

I walk from my place in the shadows, pulling my hood to cover my face, like Jin.

I’ve learned more than how to move silently like him. I’ve learned how to be a shadowy presence that you’re not sure is really there. But what can I say? I learned from the best. In time, I’ll get better. But for now, Jin has a question that needs to be answered from his heart. ‘How can I ease the pain.’