An Article that Didn’t Need To Be Written – Or Read
By: Joe Pie
Fevers can be a very odd thing. I was out of school for a week in February, with
the aid of my 104.3 fever. Of course, this was no picnic, what, with my coughing
up of something green, and sometimes red, with my expelling of brown water, the
endless nights of sweating and not sleeping, coughs, sneezes, dehydration,
chills, being hot when I want to be cold, being cold when I want to be hot, the
famous throwing up and the best; hallucinations. Hallucinations are the best. I
had one in which Edward Norton was sitting on a white rhino holding a duck. The
he jumped off the rhino, threw the duck at him, and then ran. I laughed, but
then became quickly concerned, because that’s pretty messed up. I started mixing
and matching all my antibiotics and prescriptions to see what neat
hallucinations I could come up with. No, I didn’t, that’s a lie. All lies. But
it probably would have made my experience better. I’ve been sick before, to the
point of staying out of school for a few days, but never to this point. With
fever comes about 4 solid hours of sleeping a day/night. So with the other 20
hours a day, you best find yourself something to occupy your time. Me, I got to
know the TV schedule, especially the early morning. I sat and enjoyed the old
classic sitcoms you can’t even watch anymore unless you’re a night person. Or
you have a fever. I’m talking about Family Matters, Saved by the Bell, and I
even caught some old episodes of Mr. Wizard. Remember that guy? He was like a
modern Mr. Michaelchuck. But less…explosive. But I bet I could pass Mr.
Wizard’s class. All I would have to know is that I could eat pears upside down
and how to make the ever-famous “volcano out of baking soda and vinegar” or
something. OK, I was talking about my fever, so let’s get back to that. I’m
currently sick as I’m writing this. I can’t think of a blessed thing to do.
That’s why I’m rambling just a tad. So all these odd mumblings that are before
you now come from a record of 14 pills a day (Thanks Doc) and little nasty germ
thingies who love to see me suffer.
OK, that’s it for me. Before I go, let me just leave you with some advice. If
its ever trash day, and you look outside to your trash pile, and you see one of
those little toy food carts thrown aimlessly in your trash pile, and you know no
one in your family owns it, just laugh, because come on, that’s funny.
