Ten rules to Trance:
Get at least one of your tracks on Gatecrasher
Either have a really lame nickname, or none at all
Sell out
If remixing a track, give it a long title that makes no sense like “One Step Closer (the horrible rambling bicycle shut up when I’m talking to you masturbation over grandmas mix)”
Reference Ibiza at every available opportunity
Loop a sample of someone saying “put your hands up in the air” in a vain attempt to make another ‘anthem’
Take e – or at least pretend to
Sell off at least half of the tracks off your album for commercials
Tell people when you are going to ‘drop the bomb’. To make it even more obvious and thus be more successful, count down to the time when you ‘drop the bomb’
Suck a lot of record-label cock
Ten rules to House
Blame the fact that you have no technical skills on “sweat dropping onto the decks”
Speed up any existing song, add a generic beat to it, and claim you have made a work of art
Hold some vinyl in your mouth
Prance around the stage, showing everyone that you are both a prick, and you aren’t actually doing anything to the music
Have a horrible diva squealing something on at least one of your tracks
Show off your Roland 909s and mixer – the more buttons the better – despite the fact that you make all your tracks using Rebirth on your PC
Play ‘Blue Monday’ by New Order, or ‘Born Slippy’ by Underworld, at least once per set
Claim you are influenced by the “Detroit sound”
Incorporate either an obscure movie quote or famous speech into your entire set so that only the really sharp or really sad will pick up on it
Play at least one track no one has ever heard of (it doesn’t need to be good) so you will be seen to be original, and a ‘trend-setter’
Ten rules to Drum’n’bass:
Repeatedly give “shout-outs” to the “Bristol massive”
Have at least one Star Trek reference/sample in one of your tracks
Have at least three songs on every album with an annoying black woman singing random words
Have at least one minute of ‘space noises’ at the beginning and end of every track
Be either a buff black guy or a weedy white guy
Have at least four techy/artsy pictures in the liner notes that serve no practical purpose whatsoever
Have at least one track that is clearly acid-influenced
Wear completely impractical clothing (ie puffer jackets) that you refuse to take off
Have no personality whatsoever. Never look up from your decks
If you’re an MC, either repeat the same line again and again, or spout utter drivel endlessly
Ten rules to Dub:
Have “dub” (or “roots”) in your name
Have “dub” in the name of your most successful track
Get 20 other DJs to remix your tracks
Put these on your albums
Smoke weed
Play in places completely unsuited to your style of music (ie the main stage at the Big Day Out)
Have some effect that can only be figured out if you are stoned or listening very closely (ie backwards lyrics, heavy reverb)
Have some link to either drum’n’bass/hip hop (to show you’re hip) or reggae (to show you’re “keepin’ it real”)
Mention the group’s name in at least one of your tracks
If you’re an MC, either repeat the same line again and again, or spout utter drivel endlessly with a Jamaican accent
Five rules to electronica: (cos it’s not a real genre anyways…)
Have at least three aliases
Steal ideas from as many other genres as possible
Then say “my music can’t be put into a formula”
Have lots of ‘bleep bloop’ noises you got from your little sister’s ‘my first casio’
Have at least 30 seconds of silence/near silence in each track
