First of all, despite how many people may tell you otherwise, it’s not “candy”. It’s lollies. It has always been lollies and it will always be lollies if I have anything to do with it. This is an integral part of the New Zealand vocabulary and it is under threat from the beast that is Halloween. Soon it’ll be after our “pineapple lumps” and our “wankers”. Make a stand!
This festival of the dead is symbolic of the whole raping of the New Zealand culture by Americans. They are slowly taking over our traditions one by one. And the government is helping them all the way. Remember a few years ago around this time? Wannit great? The prospect of letting loose some fiery destruction was looming large on the horizon and I for one loved every moment of it. I will never forget Double Happys as long as I live. And I reckon you’re the same. I know you’re grinning at your misspent youth right now, don’t deny it.
But no, because a couple of tards in the South Island decided to shove their allowance of DONNER UND BLIZTEN in their ear and then set fire to it, we get a gradual tightening of laws so that now you can barely do anything. Soon even playing John Woo with Roman Candles will be out of the question. Where am I going with this? Well, why are they tightening laws on cool explosives in order to “protect society” while at the same time encouraging a far more dangerous activity that irritates the hell out of the general public?
Why is Halloween dangerous? Why isn’t it? First you have these irritating kids running around begging for food. What are they, homeless? That’d explain why they can’t afford anything more than a $2 Warehouse mask… And if you tell them to push off they threaten you. THREATEN ME?! I am the king of the Orcs!
Of course, there’s also the dirty old men (to which I aspire to be) who put razors/viagra/anthrax in the lollies. To get around this, everyone tells you to only accept wrapped lollies. Which includes what? Fruit Bursts, Minties, and uh… nothing else. And we all know Fruit Bursts taste like vomit. So that leaves Minties. What are they famed for? That’s right; ripping out fillings. Ergo, Halloween is dangerous for everyone in society except the dentists. And they’re trying to control the weather, so you don’t want to give them a helping hand…
But the children! They’re having such fun! Pfft. Children would be having such fun doing anything. Introduce them to some back-breaking labour, or better yet masturbation, and you won’t hear any more talk about Halloween out of them, I guarantee you that.
Speaking of children, Halloween completely destroys a child’s imagination. Like Pokemon and Peter Ellis before it, it is dumbing down our future generation by getting them to dress up in the worst possible outfits (come on, they could at least have a few wounds… And since when was a nurse scary? People’ll use any opportunity to dress up like a slut.), leaving them ripe for the dentists.
If we must live with this horrible excuse of a holiday, here are a few tips to help you deal with it:
-Only give lollies to the imaginative ones. Never give lollies to the fat ones, it only encourages them.
-It’s a great way of getting rid of miscellaneous food. Not even food, anything you have lying around the house (used condoms, illicit drugs etc). This is better than a canned-food drive. AND THEY HAVE TO THANK YOU!
-If there’s a group of tards, give one chocolate or Minties or whatever, and give the rest potatoes. Hilarity ensues.
-Kidnap the little one.
