I have never hated this red hat-wearing freak as much as I do right now. Why? I just read his ‘message to the fans’ in the liner notes of Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavoured Water. Here it is (unedited) along with my comments.
I would like to say that I believe in God and I believe in Karma.
Hmm… Those are two contradictory sets of beliefs, but nevermind.
Why I exist beats the shit out of me.
Beats the shit out of me too. Why does God hate me? Was it because I lied when I was 17?
But I do
Damn
and I am greatful for every breath of air I get to inhale
…Before you blow it out your arse.
knowing how unpredictable life is.
A genre where middle class balding white boys whine about how hard they would be if their mums would just let them out to play is made popular by a 30 year old failed tattoo artist and slowly leaves the world devoid of original music. Unpredictable? You betcha.
I love my mom, my dad,
“We don’t, don’t give a fuck and we won’t ever give a fuck until you, you give a fuck about me and my generation” – ‘My Generation’, Limp Bizkit. But he still loves his mummy.
my brother,
Fred Durst has a brother?! God I’d hate to be him… A bit like being Stalin’s cousin or Hitler’s grandma, I’d imagine.
my daughter,
Surprisingly not illegitimate. Wow, good ol’ Fred must have boned at least one chick then. I wonder if it was one of the ones in the ‘Rollin’ video?
my papaw, my mamaw,
I’m pretty sure those aren’t words.
my band,
NEWSFLASH! Fred Durst loves DJ Lethal! Then again, who DOESN’T?
my dogs Bizkit and Phoenix,
Why on Earth would you put this in the liner notes of your album? What makes you think we care? And who the hell names one of their dogs after a brand they are associated with? I heard he’s getting a new one. Called ‘Interscope’©.
my fans, my friends,
I got nothin’ here. This is pretty normal stuff.
my managers,
Wait, he has more than one? But they aren’t manufactured from an Interscope boardroom, they’re ‘OG’s who are ‘keepin’ it real yo’. Why could they possibly want mulitple managers?
my attorney and my label.
Ahahaha! I think this is the first time I’ve seen an artist thanking their lawyer and label in the liner notes, much less proclaiming his LOVE for them! What a joke!
I wish I could thank everyone.
By “thank” do you mean “suck the cocks of” and by “everyone” do you mean “every major corporation in America”?
But I do thank the people, bands and critics who hate me
Woohoo, I’m famous! *blushes* Aw Fred, you shouldn’t have…
because it helps me to understand how you are fueled
*Fred Durst, in an Interscope boardroom, reading hate-mail* “Wow, this guy hates me because he can see through pathetic attempts at style over substance. I SO understand how he is fueled now! He’s weird.”
and understanding that you are the way you are.
If you put his sentence together from the last full stop, it makes no sense whatsoever.
At least you are being you.
…And not a mindless nu-metal drone?
So thanx.
Uh, that should be ‘thanks’, Fred.
Thanx
No, I said thanks.
To all the people who gave me free shit just because I like it,
…And because they pay out of the arse.
like Circa Footwear, Adidas, New Era Ballcaps,
Lets take an interlude of this word from our sponsor to bring you some lyrics: “They’re building an empire without us but we’ve got the torch now we’ve got the fire to burn this motherfucker down down down down burn this motherfucker down down down down (repeat)”.
Quite.
Tribal Gear, Diamond Quazar NYC, Echo Unlimited, and DC Shoes.
What’s with all the companies?
*Revised ‘thanx-you’ list for Mr Durst* “Red hat factory, baggy pants shoppe, sk8tie shoes footwear and generic t-shirt store. I love you all.”
I would also like to thank all the girls in the world for being girls.
Possibly the most profound thing he has ever said (I’m not joking).
Without girls this world would not be… So I love you all.
Hear that girls? Fred Durst loves you! OMGOMGOMG!
I want my buddies to get their names in here too
Read: I want to embarrass people publicly by associating them to me.
like Richie Surrency, James Dingman, Travis Tomko, Jeff Head, Danny Wimmer,
Notice how these all seem like fake names? If they are real names, they’re pretty horrible ones.
Verne “Minnie Me” Troyer,
Name drop alert! And yes, he did just misspell ‘Mini-me’.
John “Regin”, Chris Gratton, Yetti, Trevor,
Uh oh, Fred’s run out of last names!
and Ben Marts.
Oh no, he thought of one in the nick of time…
All of the bands in the world, thank you for carrying out the revolution of music
And thanx you Fred, for putting it back 20 years.
Seriously, I wonder if Pink Floyd are sitting around going “Fred Durst thanxed us in his new album. Apparently music is a revolution now”.
Sid Vicious, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, all of your deaths have not been in vain because FRED DURST just validated your efforts! You are now free to go.
and I thank Ben Stiller
Name drop alert!
for being everything and more than I expected, you are a major inspiration to me
All of the respect that I did have for Ben Stiller that wasn’t diminished by his penchant for fart/cum jokes, is now gone.
and a wonderful person.
And I would like to give you oral.
Good luck on the new movie “Zoolander”.
Yes, you read it right. Fred Durst actually PLUGGED AN UPCOMING MOVIE in his own liner notes. That line right there represents a new low for the music industry.
No one knows why they are put in this position
Uh oh, Fred gets philosophical.
but I was hoping I was put here to be a positive source of energy
Yup. Case in point: Australian Big Day Out incident.
for anyone who can identify and connect with me and our music.
Who would that be then? The people that can identify with a white boy who has been middle class his whole life, never experienced hardships, and who at the age of 30 decides to steal a genre off someone else and use it to try and below to the youth of today? Oh, those people.
When you strip away all the hype and bullshit you are left with
…Absolutely nothing?
a band
Oh, sorry. My mistake.
That really cares about its fans
Case in point: Australian Big Day Out incident.
and we really care about the music that is generated when we get together and jam.
I can believe that: “Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ (what) keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ (come on) keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ (yeah) keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin’” – ‘Rollin’’, Limp Bizkit.
Other than that we are alive
Contrary to my dearest wishes…
and being alive today is a very precious thing.
Case in point: Australian Big Day Out incident.
I will do my best never to let anyone down
Too late. I don’t think that makes any sense, either.
and if I do for any reason… I’m only human.
Really? The anti-christ is human? News to me.
I’m so grateful for this all.
Whoa, you haven’t won the Grammy yet, Fred.
Thank you one and all.
Thanx you too… *blush*
p.s. Adopt a pet, preferably an English Bulldog and name him/her Bizkit!!
Cool! So you can be just like Fred, d00d!! Notice the multiple exclamation marks. They mean Fred Durst = stupid.
Believe in UFOs
OK! I’m going to suddenly believing in aliens because you said so! Although there may be something in that… Ever notice how Fred Durst never takes off his hat? And how all nu-metal fans seem to have the same glazed look? You thought they were munters… No, they’re the pod people I tell you!
and please listen to these songs with an open mind.
Is it really advisable to be saying that when you are peddling nu-metal to the masses? I think a better statement would be something like this: “Please don’t pay too much attention to this music. I know I wrote the lyrics in the liner notes, but I advise you to ignore them. And whatever you do, keep hating your parents (of which I am one), otherwise I’m out of a job. Yo.”
These songs are the gateways to our souls.
Ahahaha! Funniest thing I have read in months, hands down.
See you soon, *signature* ‘Fred durst’
Yeah, see you soon. In hell. His signature is spelt with two lower case ‘d’s, by the way. In fact, this whole message contained no capital letters at all. Apparently good english isn’t ‘phat’.
*End of message* Actually, I feel a lot better after writing this. I have come to see how much of a joke Fred Durst really is. If only people would stop buying his albums… Sigh.
