Hi. Today's just been a weird day. I woke up at 8:35 and proceeded to listen to the radio for a while until my dad left. Kevin and Tarley, these two skanks who work with my dad, came to pick him up at about 9:00. So, I gave dad a hug, sent him on his way, then got up and made myself a cup of my new tea. I also downed four white-fudge covered oreos. After that, I got into a nice, warm bath and put some of my pink skin moisturizing stuff in the tub and relaxed for a while, listening to the radio in my room through the bathroom door. When I'm finished, I get out and put on my light blue hooded shirt, my favorite pair of blue jeans, and slop my make up on. Then I brush my hair and pull it back into a bun, making me look sort of boyish. But I think I look pretty sexy that way. So, I put on my CK1 (yeah, I wear CK1, okay? fuck you if you don't like it) and walk into the computer room, and log into my angelfire account to add the new picture to the index which I've whipped up. And, I notice a single solitary page of the day. I love it a lot, and I think anyone who reads this should go there. https://www.angelfire.com/fl4/pastels/ is the address. Then, I start to do pointless other things on here, like play games. After that, I have some sandwiches for lunch, and a little container of Ramen noodles. Then I open up my fortune cookie. It says, "YOU MAY BE CONSERVATIVE, CAUTIOUS, AND PRACTICAL." The one I opened last night after dinner said, "FORTUNE COOKIE SAYS: YOUR WARMTH RADIATES ONTO ALL OTHERS AROUND YOU." I'm not buying it for a minute. I'm not warm as of now. I lay down around 2:20 and wake up at three, groggily. I get a pepsi and start talking to Adam. And that's when it happens. He tells me how he really feels. He wishes I was as pretty as I was two years ago in what I think, is the worst picture ever taken of me. I hate that picture. It totally deters my image. I was skinny, unpimpled, and a wanna-be goth (even more so than I am today). He says that looks are important to him, and he just wants me to look my best. Well, fuck you and fuck my weight too. I don't know worse... me becoming an anorexic, or me staying like I am today. I'm not really fat. My mom just says I'm big-boned. Oh, God. I sound like Cartman. I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I stopped cutting. Can I stop eating? I'm trying to make Adam understand that I'm not mad at him at all. I guess I just have to deal with it that Adam liked how I used to look better than how I look today. I don't really care that much. Hearing that only gives me more motivation to eat. I really have to stop. I know it... it's not a good idea for someone with my heart problems to eat like I do, but it's like drugs, or sex. Once you've had it, you can't stop. I live for eating. Food is my passion. Food has been my one true love ever since I was 13. Food has soothed all of my teenage angst since then, and added to it. Adam tells me not to take it the wrong way, but am I ever going to look like I did two years ago. No, probably not. Now suddenly he's worried about getting a hard on the first time he actually sees me in person. I doubt any guys get a hard on the first time they see me. I know when I get up and look at myself in the bathtub I feel like being sick. I'm not pissed off at Adam, though. Just angry and hurt. More angry at myself than anyone else. I never thought I had an eating problem until this year, when suddenly, it was like, "Should I even have fat in that place?" My heart feels like it's been stabbed with an ice pick, but you can't always win. I can't have everyone thinking I'm perfect. I don't want anyone to think I'm perfect. I'm not. I'm just this screwed up little girl from Kansas wanting the things she'll have. Like a perfect body, and the perfect hair. I just want to be the American teen dream. I'm sick of being who I am. I'm sick of being the fat girl who never has a date to the school dances and who can't get boys to look at her unless they're laughing at toilet paper stuck to her shoe, or she has something green stuck in her teeth. I'm sick of being that girl. There's one in every school. I just happened to have been that girl in Stockton. Now I'm that one here. I felt like I belonged in Stockton though. Here in Carthage, there are at least 20 more. I'm sorry that I can't be everything everyone wants me to be constantly. I wish I could be.
"You put yourself in stupid places, yes I think you know it's true. Situations where it's easy to look down on you. I think you like to the victim, I think you like to be in pain. I think you make yourself the victim almost every single day. You do what you do, you say what you say. You try to be everything to everyone." -Everclear.
"My friend's got a girlfriend, man, he hates that bitch. He tells me everyday, 'Man, I gotta lose my chick in the worst kind of way.'" -The Offspring.
"I don't look in the mirror. I don't like what I see staring back at me. Everything is clearer. I'll never be what you see. It's not me. So beautiful and free. I'll never be what you need. Can't help at all. I was born so beautiful, but now I'm ugly. And I rot in my skin, as a piece of me dies every day. I know I'm nothing. I know there's nothing I can say to change the judgement in their ways." -The Smashing Pumpkins.