I feel sort of bad right now. I got an email from Adam tonight. He thinks that I'm purposely rubbing things in his face using my site. That's not true at all. I was never with him because I didn't have friends. I was with Adam off and on for a year and a half. It's sad to know that he thinks I was only with him because I had no friends, or simply because I was in need. I had friends when I was with him. And I'm never in need. Maybe there are somethings that I don't have, and want, but that doesn't mean I'm in need. I feel really bad right now. I feel awful, to be exact. I never, ever wanted to hurt Adam by breaking up with him. I hate hurting people, but I do. You have no idea how happy I would be for Adam if he might the right person for him. I hope he finds someone better than me, who can treat him better than I did. Things have been so hectic lately. Some of my best friends are graduating, school work is getting harder because it's the end of the year, everything is just getting frustrating. I wish it didn't have to be like this. I really need some serious to time to myself to think. I just need to hole up in my room for a night and draw or write or something. I have so much growing up to do and not enough time to do it in. The truth is, I wish I could be a child forever, but I'm almost an adult. I feel so old. It's like things are going by so fast. Ten years ago when I was six, I thought I would never grow up. I couldn't wait to grow up, though. I wanted to do so much. I thought I was going to be a rock star, and that everyone who ever laughed at me in life would want to be my friend. Things just aren't happening that way. With my luck, I'll be twenty, working as a waitress in a dumpy diner somewhere in lower or middle Tennessee, and barely making enough money to buy groceries. I think it's what I deserve. For so many years I plotted against other people, thinking that as soon as I had some power, that they would just become my slaves and I would make their lives a living Hell. I wanted that more than anything when I was a kid. But now, I realize that there are more important things in the world than revenge. Happiness is ten times more important anything like hate or revenge, or anything I used to put up with. Now I'm so used to some ignorant people, I just ignore them. I have no fricking clue about what to do with my life. I don't know what I want to do. It's like, I have so many options, but none of them sound appealing. Jonathan wants me to go to college. My parents want me to go to an art university. I don't really want to do anything. Everything is happening so fast. My whole is just flashing before my eyes. Two years ago, I never thought that I would be 16 and totally clueless about what to do. When I as 14, I had my whole life planned out. I was going to move out, live with Adam, get married to him, and have all of his children. I think that even then, and now, I knew that wasn't going to happen. Now I don't know just what's going to happen. I have trouble telling my friends what I really feel. It's sad to think I communicate much better with a website then I do my best friends. Writing all of this down is just so much easier for me, though. I love writing. Honestly, though... I've never even thought my life had a purpose. I've always wondered what God's purpose for me was. What am I supposed to do with my life? I wish someone would tell me. Instead, no one's telling me. I don't know... maybe I have it good. A lot of my friends have their parent's telling them what to do, and living their lives out for them. I guess I'm luckier than a lot of people I know.
"Will I ever get to, to where it is that I am going? Will I ever follow through with what I have, with what I have planned? I guess it's possible, that have I been a bit distracted... and directions for me are a lot less in demand. In demand. Will I ever get to where I'm going? If I do, will I know when I am there? If the wind blew me in the right direction, would I even care? I take a look around. It's evident the scene has changed. And there are times when I feel improved, improved upon the past. And there times when I can't seem to understand at all. And yes, it seems as though I'm going nowhere really fucking fast." -Incubus.
"You're no good for me. Thank God, it's over. You make believe that nothing is wrong until you're crying, crying on me. You make believe that life is too long until you're dying, dying on me. You make believe that nothing is wrong until you're crying, crying on me. You make believe that life is too long until you're dying, dying on me. Dying on me! You think that everybody's the same. I don't think that anybody is like you." -Limp Bizkit.