Today was a shitty day and a half. Let me back up. Last night, Christine, Joseph's girlfriend, left him again. He was VERY upset, to say the least. All I could really do for him is tell him that he's my friend, and that I'm always here to listen to him. I cried my eyes last night, worrying about him and wishing there was more that I could do. I never heard again from him last night, or today. Jesse's been gone for a few days, too. It really makes me wonder. Now, today. Today sucked... it just all around sucked. I woke up at 6:00, then hit the alarm violently and slept in until 6:20. My little brother used my conditioner as bubble bath, and the bottle was all filled up with water. I had to let all the water out, and by the time I was done, there was hardly any conditioner inside. So, I just conditioned my hair, threw on some clothes, sat around until it was time to go, then I embarked on my journey to get a higher education (yeah right). I felt so stupid at school today. And tired. In first hour, I called Tom Sawyer Tom Finn, and Tom Huck. What the Hell was up with that? Not even I know. I kept thinking about Angela. God, that makes me cry. To know that my best friend, and one of my soul mates, one of the people who can read my mind and feel my very feelings is 900 miles away is a pitiful feeling. The rest of the day was embarassment city. I can't even go into the details of it. I screwed up the kid sitting behind me in History class once or twice, then I screwed a girl up in my English class. Oh well, that shit was her fault. She shouldn't have been copying off of me in the first place. I hate being smarter than the rednecks here. And stupider than some. That could really hurt a person's ego. I moved here under the suspicion that I would be smarter than the uneducated hill people (and I am sometimes), but, hell... I've got them beat out in English, music, technology and civilization. They've got me beat out in Math, biology, and... shit, that's it. I win! HA HA! Oh, sorry. I won't even talk about them anymore. This is bad fucking karma, and the last thing I need is bad fucking karma. Considering my luck, Jesse and Joseph will probably end up dead, and I know I'll have something to do with it. I've just always had shitty luck. Why? I don't know. Maybe I was a terrible person in a past life. You know, they say that whatever you did in your past life catches up to you. You have to pay and pay and pay until you've corrected all your wrongs. I've been thinking lately, a lot about religion and beliefs, and the fact that I have only beliefs, and not religion. But that's all that religion is, right? Beliefs. Then, I'm not really sure what I believe. I know that I believe that there is some sort of force or being controlling everything that's going on down here, but I don't know what sort of a force it is. I believe that the force doesn't care what sort of God you believe in, as long as you believe in a good God. And, I also believe, that this god doesn't hate people, or look down on people because they're gay, or because they're sinners. That's my idea of a forgiving god. A god that will love you no matter what you do, even if you don't believe. I've seriously lost it, I think. There's actually been sometimes when I've prayed and asked for something and got it. Like when I ask that one of my friends be alright. Usually they always pull through. Oddly enough. Why am I talking about religion? I'll shut up about it now. Jesus Christ, Adam just doesn't know how to talk to women. Maybe he could get them into bed with him, but the moment they got into the sack, he would say something like, "Whoa. You didn't SEEM that fat when you had your clothes on!" Actually, that's more like something Matt Collins would say. Mr. 2-inch dick himself. But, he's probably only a mean-spirited little bastard because he's so insecure about his dick. Well, let me tell you a little something, Matt. SIZE DOES MATTER! Ha! I feel a little better now. Little people freak me out. The Oompa Loompas and the Munchkins have traumatized me for life, though I love Willie Wonka and Wizard of Oz. The Oompa Loompas just freak the Hell out of me. If I ever went to Willie Wonka's factory, I'd be continually afraid that I would step on one of the poor little orange bastards. This reminds me of the time that Adam made a pic of himself looking like an Oompa Loompa. That shit was hilarious. I laughed for weeks. Adam would make a kick ass Loompa. I'm Veruca Salt. I WANT IT NOW!! Yeah! That chick rocks! I didn't really like Charlie. He was too honest and good-hearted. But his grandpa was cooler than Hell. I wish my grandpas would give me their tobacco money. Problem with that is they don't smoke or chew. Oh well, it was worth a try. I'm so incredibly worried about Jesse, Joseph, everyone... it's hard to believe my head hasn't exploded. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. It's like nothing I ever do is good enough for people. People always want me to be honest, but then the truth pisses them off, or it strikes a nerve. People never tell me I'll grow up to do great things. They just say, "Well, you tried." Like I'm a lost cause. And just maybe I am. I have a boyfriend who thinks I hate him, friends who are only my friends when they want me to listen to their problems or let them cheat off of my homework, and a family who couldn't care less about me. Looks like I've just joined the ranks, amongst the rest of the teenage deadheads, goths, and troublemakers. Damn. Why can't I just have lived my life out, and be 80 years old instead of 15-going-on-16 wanting to kill the whole world? Oh well, oh well...
"I know it. I can feel it, well, I know it enough to believe it. I know it. I can see it. But I know it enough to believe it to better you, better me, my better half has bitten me. I am sleeping with my enemy, myself... They found pieces of Jennifer's body, they found pieces of Jennifer's body... they found pieces of Jennifer's body. Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep. You're hungry but I'm starving, he cuts you down from the tree. He keeps you in a box... you're alive, but just barely. He says 'I'm your lover, I'm your friend', the purity hits me again." -Hole.
"You took your coat and stood in the rain. You were always crazy like that. I watched from my window... I always felt I was outside, looking in on you. You were always mysterious, with dark eyes and careless hair. You were fashionably sensitive but too cool to care. You stood in my doorway with nothing to say besides some comment on weather. In case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see, this is my heart bleeding before you. This is me down on my knees... and these foolish games are tearing me apart and your thoughtless ways are breaking my heart." -Jewel.
"'Scuse me, think I've mistake you for someone else. Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself." -Jewel.
"I'll start this off, without any words. I got so high I scratched til I bled. I love myself better than you. What am I supposed to do?" -Nirvana.
"Are you breathing now? Do the wicked see you? You still breathing, you're making me known. Are you breathing?" -Disturbed.
"Teenage angst has paid off well, now I'm bored and old." -Nirvana.
"Tell me exactly what am I supposed to do, now that I've allowed you to beat me. Do you think that we could play another game? Maybe I could win this time. I kind of like the misery you put me through. Darling you can trust me completely! If you even try to look the other way, I think that I could kill this time. It doesn't really seem I'm getting through to you, though I see you weeping so sweetly! I think that you might have to take another taste, a little bit of hell this time!" -Disturbed.