I can't go on anymore. I hurt people too much. And in doing that, I'm hurting myself. I hurt everyone who I love. I've hurt all my friends, I've hurt my family, and I've finally hurt myself. Everyone always wants me to be perfect and I can't be. My parents want me to get good grades and stay a virgin forever and get a job. My friends all want me to live up to their standards. And I want myself to be perfect. I want be a size 2, not a size 18. I want to get straight As, and have friends, and get noticed by boys. All I succeed in doing is starving myself, confusing myself even worse, and looking like a slut. I thought I had cried myself to the point of no return, but I was wrong. All the sudden I can't shut up. My little brother caught me crying. I feel so sorry for him. The poor kid has a nutcase sister. I don't want to screw his life up the way I've screwed mine up. I love my little brother. I love my family and my friends, and in fact, this just may be why I've decided to end my young life. Screw glory days. I'm not living in glory days. I'm living in Hell. I don't have any friends at school, I'm always getting weird looks from everyone, my one friend that lives in Tennessee is in Nasvhille, and I don't dare tell him any of this, the rest of my friends are, what seems like, a million miles away, and Adam is demanding that I shut up and put out. I finally know why mom told me that she'd hate being this age again. I wish I were an old lady in my deathbed. Everyone's always demanding that I suck everything up inside like some sort of human sponge. I'm sorry that I can't always stop my emotions from flowing and my gears from turning. I'd love to feel blood running down my veins right now. My wrist cut open wide... blood pouring soothingly. Bring it on. Someone give me a knife. I'll cut as deep as I possibly can. God must have a great sense of humor. I'm a nice person, but he made me a fucking size 18 with bad hair and an ugly body. All the bitches are size 2s with perfect hair and bodies. Yeah, I can be a bitch sometimes too. And some of those "bitches" are actually kind of nice. I wish I could just slap them. It's no fair. I don't know how anyone could ever love me. I'm so horrible. I only hurt people who I love and cause myself pain because of that. I hate hurting my friends. Especially my close friends. I feel like no matter what I do I'm letting them down. I've gotten myself into so much trouble over the years I wonder if my life will ever be the same. I love each and everyone of my friends. I owe everything to them. Maybe I'll stick around for Angela, and Becky, and Helen, and Jesse, and Joseph, and Adam. Who knows? Maybe they'll need me around some day.
"I gave all I could, but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had. I knew, I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. Special to me, to me." -The Cranberries.
"What did you expect to find? Was it something you left behind? Don't you remember, anything I said when I said don't fall away, leave me to myself. Don't fall away, leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again. Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands, love lies bleeding. Ah, hold me now, I feel contagious. Am I the only place that you've left to go? She cries her life is like some movie black and white. Dead actors faking lines over and over and over again, she cries." -Fuel.
"Reverend looked at me without a tear in his eyes. Nothing new for him to see, I didn't ask him why. I will remember the love our souls had sworn to make. I watched the falling rain, but all I can see now is your face. Well, I guess you took my youth and gave it all away. Like the birth of a new found joy, this love would end in rage. And when she died, I couldn't cry. The pride within my soul... You left me incomplete." -Pantera