+-watching you die-+
January 11, 2001 [1-11-01]
Today was a bad, horrible day. In first hour, Stormie migrated over to the brainy girl table and left me sitting by myself. I predict it'll be like this for the rest of the year. In second hour, the obnoxious little shit that sits behind me kept digging his feet into my ass. I could have killed him and then used a deer's antler to ass-rape him. We got a new boy in that class. We got another new boy in school. I only see him around. He's a true goth and he has more friends on his second day of school than I have in my three months of going here. I have no friends. Zero, zip, zilch. Everyone in the halls look at me as though they wish I'd die. The new boy in second hour took one look at the empty desk beside me, and then my face and kept on walking. Third hour... third hour just always sucks. Always. It's a good class, but it sucks. Fourth hour I caught someone who we'll call D looking at me. Four times. I could have gagged. There's nothing special about me. Maybe he was just thinking in his head what a dog I am. That's probably it. Besides, D has this beautiful red-head girlfriend who is always happy and smiling and makes me feel like shit because I don't weigh 90 lbs, have straight blonde hair, or blue eyes and a nice smile. I could have died in fifth hour. Everyone thought that Dust In The Wind and Tears In Heaven are stupid songs to sing for the Spring Festival, but now we have to sing With Arms Wide Open by fucking Creed. I like Creed, but I don't like that song. It's a bunch of crap. I've never met any man who's wanted to be a father. The only time I've ever seen an about-to-be father cry was when his girlfriend/wife/lover/fuck buddy told him she was having his little bundle of un-joy. And then it was in depression. Sixth period sucked too. Everyone treats me like dirt. We have to watch the old, old version of Tom Sawyer. Yawn. It's over now, thank God, but whew... I hurt all over. I had to stay after and make up my mid-term from yesterday. I played hooky. I decided there's no point in going to school anymore. I think I've learned everything I need to know, and I since I still don't have any friends, what's the use in going? Adam's getting kicked out of his house again. I'm so busy and tired and hurting right now I don't know what to do. I'm worried about Adam. I don't want him to live with Ric, or go and live on the streets. I don't know why I don't want him living with Ric.. I just have a weird feeling about it. But, that's no reason to stop him. Even if I tried, all he'd say is fuck you. And he'd roll his eyes. Yup. That's classic Adam for ya. I can't believe he punched his mother in the face. Well, actually I can. I just don't know why he did it... I've always thought Adam had a behavioral problem. I love him, but Jesus Christ. You know, if he ever hit me, I'd kill him. I don't care if I got caught. I'd kill the fucking bastard who ever hit me like that. I have so much homework to do. I'm sitting here bawling right now and my head hurts so badly I think it may explode. I just want to fall into bed and cry and sleep for a long long time, and wake up when everyone I know is on their deathbed. Sometimes I wish I had never been born at all. I know everyone thinks I'm an over melodramatic drama queen, but what do you think they'll do when they see me lying in my casket for the first time? Did I mention my new diet? I don't eat breakfast or lunch. Just dinner. Occassionally I eat either breakfast or lunch, but that's it. I always skip lunch. I don't see the point of eating when I'm already wasting away. And maybe I'll lose a few pounds in the process.
"A million miles of running and I hit the wall, I bounce back and I run some more. If this is it, I'm calling quits, so get down and meet me on the floor. Way to go, way to flip off everyone. I steal your thunder then I try to bolt. I could stand a little pity now and then." -Veruca Salt.
"Hey, I'm feeling tired. My time is gone today. You flirt with suicide, sometimes that's okay." -Korn.
"I watched you change into a fly. I looked away. You were on fire. I watched you change... and you... it's like you never had wings. Now you feel so alive. I've watched you change. I took you home, set you on the glass. I pulled off your wings, then I laughed." -Deftones.