Free Coffee
FREECOFFEE
Well this is the shooting draft of Free Coffee. That was the original name. There are many differences between this script and what ended up on screen. The opening was scrapped not because I didn't like it but because it just slowed down the story. You can email me if you click on my name. I'll take any comments. I felt like my own butcher when it came to editing this video. There's some funny stuff that just didn't make it. Some was actor's schedules but the majority was money and time. Anyway I hope you enjoy Cafe Surrey!
You might find a wierd looking o with a squiggle above it. for some reason it did that to all my apostrophies. I think I got them but maybe not.
Cafe Surrey Written by
Trevor Cameron's mail
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BLACK
NARRATOR
As long as I could remember I've wanted
to make people laugh.
FADE IN:
MONTAGE
CITY OF SURREY STREET SIGN
NARRATOR
I've grown up in Surrey. It's located on
the west coast of Canada near Vancouver.
Surrey is the ugly stepchild of
Vancouver. The butt of Vancouver's jokes
and the place, if caught dead in would
ruin the best of reputations.
Parts of Surrey without sound. People walking and landmarks.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Surrey is a sad funny mix of Poor and
working class Shmoes. A lot of the worst
stereotypes about Surrey are true. Drug
addicts do shoot up next to the Youth
Centre. Strung out hookers give sloppy
blow jobs outside of the employment
office. It seems like everyone over forty
drives a truck and anyone under forty
drives a Monte Carlo or a Trans-Am. You
can get in a race war, no matter which
race you belong to, just by going for a
walk. Guys still walk around with mullets
and Led Zeppelin shirts. Wanna be
Gangstas are everywhere wearing their
colour du jour. Yes even the police come
late just to tell you they can't do
anything.
More shots of street people and following the voice over.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
But for all the negatives it has some
gems. Surrey street people havenÕt been
hardened by years of abandonment and can
be genuinely entertaining.
A street person talks incessantly into the camera.
Shots of bus stations and bland places.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Maybe I hate this city. I've been cooped
up in this spread out prison for too
long. I hate the fact that there is a
fundimental lack of anything exciting and
an over abundance of everything bland. We
have way too many places to shop that are
the same every block. We have too many
places that you can do nothing, such as
forests, beaches, parks but no place to
just be artistic.
Flash of all the starbucks coffee shops in rapid succession.
like a machine gun. Then stop on the Java Joint exterior.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
There used to be though... Once upon a
time there used to be an independent
coffee shop that stayed open twenty-four
seven in the worst part of Surrey. It's
name, the Java joint. It attracted punks,
losers, Christians, Druggies, hippies,
and girls who smelled like rotted fruit.
Anyone and everyone. There was even a
night for people like me. Assholes with
too much time on their hands. Or as we
called it. Improv Night starring
Asslicious, the comedy troupe.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
Four men are on stage surrounded by a small audience. They
are finishing off a very off colour Improv scene. The
audience applauds.
FADE TO BLACK.
NARRATOR
It started simply enough. After our show
we had a coffee.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
The same four guys sit around a table drinking coffee.
IAN
Well that sucked ass.
Ed takes a drink of his coffee. His eyes bulge. The screen
freezes.
NARRATOR
By the way that's me, and this is what
happened.
Ed spits his coffee back into the cup.
ED
Fuck!
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
I hate flavoured coffee. If you want
Irish Creme drink Irish Creme but donÕt
pollute my coffee.
Ed turns to the counter. The coffee pot says dark.
Ed gets up and stalks to the counter.
BUG, a young kid with blue hair, leans against the cash
register. He stares vacantly out into the ether. Ed walks
into his eye line. Ed rips off the Velcro title of the coffee
pot and starts arguing.
A lone tear appears on Bug's face. He runs out of the shop.
Ed stares in disbelief.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
I guess the kid took it the wrong way.
Apparently you shouldn't piss off someone
paid in sandwiches.
Ed still waits but Bug doesn't come back.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
I canÕt have my favorite coffee shop
closing because they do a little thing
like have no staff. Work one night?
What's the worst that could happen?
TITLE CARD
'Free Coffee' credits with music.
INT. JAVA JOINT - NIGHT
Ed stands behind the counter searching while he talks into
the phone.
ED
I don't know why he left. Yeah I'm
standing right here. No he's not having a
smoke. You have to pay your staff because
I'm not going-
A nice looking girl, NATALIE, walks to the counter. Ed is
interested.
NARRATOR
Road block.
The screen freezes on Natalie. The SOUND OF A BELL. A graphic
on the bottom of the screen reads: 'Ed's Typecis'. The screen
begins again.
ED (CONT'D)
I'm not going to see you till eight am.
Goodnight!
Ed hangs up.
NATALIE
Can I get a large coffee?
ED
Of course you can.
A bell rings.
GEORGE (V.O.)
(thick British accent)
Well what have we here!
Ed winces.
ED
Hey what's your name?
NATALIE
Natalie
ED
You don't mind swearing do you?
NATALIE
Why?
George rounds the corner. The scene freezes.He is thin and
old with bad hair and worse teeth. BELL SOUND and the graphic
comes up, 'Ultimativus Crazyus old manus' The scene starts
again.
He points a finger at Ed.
Ed waves Natalie's attempt at paying.
George stagger-walks to the counter.
NARRATOR
You want to see what would of happened to
Mick Jagger if he never sang?
GEORGE
I will fuckin' destroy you!
ED
Yeah, yeah, yeah - destroy, destroy. Look
George I'll give you a coffee for free if
you take a walk.
George assaults Natalie with his eyes. Ed puts a coffee on
the counter.
GEORGE
(to Natalie)
Can I see your pussy?
Natalie gags on his breath and covers her mouth backing away.
George smiles.
ED
Why are you such an asshole?
GEORGE
CUZ I OWN THIS FUCKING TOWN!
George snatches the coffee off the table and takes a drink.
He backs up to the hallway leading to the door smiling at Ed
and doing a little dance. His finger points like a gun.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Thanks you bastard!
The bell rings on the door. George spins around and looks at
the door. He walks off screen.
GEORGE (CONT'D) (V.O.)
I'll fucking destroy you too!
A solid punch sound is heard. Coffee spills down the hallway
back into frame.
GUY #1 (V.O.)
Clean up isle one.
Laughter from the obscured hallway. Two guys round the
hallway. One is a younger leader. The other is EARL who's
older and a little more disheveled. The scene freezes.
A graphic comes up. 'pairus drunkis'
NARRATOR
Whenever two alcoholics walk in Surrey
you can bet one is crazy. Don't ask why
but see if you can pick him or her out.
They come to the counter.
GUY #1 (CONT'D)
You got beer?
ED
Nope. I'll pour you two a coffee though.
GUY #1
Hey Earl, you want coffee?
Ed pours two coffees.
ED
It's on me tonight.
Guy #1 grabs a coffee. Earl walks to his coffee and stares at
it for a long time.
EARL
(muttering)
You're a good kid.
ED
Thanks.
Earl doesn't move.
EARL
Quitting smoking huh?
Ed looks at his hand.
ED
Yeah I guess so.
EARL
Your old lady huh?
ED
Nope.
EARL
That woman cares.
Ed shoots a confused looks at Earl.
NARRATOR
I believe we have a winner.
ED
Yep. Guess so.
EARL
They're everywhere you know.
ED
Who?
EARL
Angels! Know why?
ED
Nope.
EARL
Viruses. They'll steal yer spirit. Their
in the air. It's everywhere.
NARRATOR
(woody woodpecker laugh)
Ha ha ha haaa ha
ED
Viruses?
EARL
The government is pumping it out to bring
us down... You ever had chicken pox?
NARRATOR
(woody woodpecker laugh)
Ha ha ha haaa ha
ED
Yeah.
EARL
Good. Cause if you ever had chicken pox
then nobody can ever break your heart.
NARRATOR
(woody woodpecker finish)
Ha ha ha haaaaaa!
ED
Okay.
EARL
I'd tell you more but they're everywhere.
ED
Angels
EARL
Agents. Secret Agents.
ED
Oh.
EARL
I've probably said too much.
Earl doesn't move.
ED
Enjoy your coffee. It's free.
EARL
Can I bum a couple smokes?
ED
Yeah of course.
Ed pulls three out of his pack and hands them over.
EARL
Angels are everywhere.
Earls staggers over to where his friend is sitting.
MONTAGE
- a bucket of water is filled
- cleaner is pulled off the shelf
- a mop is grabbed
BACK TO SCENE.
Ed is mopping up spilled coffee.
NARRATOR
Why am I doing this again?
He steals looks at the Natalie who is stealing looks back at
him. He walks back to the counter with his cleaning stuff.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Oh yeah. Pretending to work graveyard
shift in Whalley in a feeble attempt to
get laid.
TITLE CARD
3 AM
INT. JAVA JOINT - NIGHT
The bell rings.
A young man enters. He is dressed all in black and is wearing
make up. The scene freezes.
Graphic comes up 'gothus loseri'
NARRATOR
Welcome to the guy who got beat up a lot
in high school.
He walks to the counter but he seems to glide across the room
to the tired looking Ed.
Ed pours a coffee as the GOTH comes to the counter and places
it in front of him.
The Goth hisses and shows off large vampire fangs. One tooth
falls off in mid hiss and tumbles to the counter.
The Goth covers his mouth and grabs the tooth.
Ed pushes the coffee to him.
The vampire walks showing an androgenous MYSTIC standing
behind him. Ed flinches.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Jesus!
The screen freezes on the Mystic. The graphic reads 'futuro
carny'
MYSTIC
You work in an earth based occupation
don't you?
ED
Who doesn't?
The Mystic spreads the tarot cards on the counter.
MYSTIC
It's all in the cards.
ED
I have a question.
MYSTIC
Let me set the cards.
ED
I donÕt think you need the cards.
MYSTIC
I always need the cards.
ED
Well I've seen you around Whalley for a
couple of years and something has always
bothered me.
MYSTIC
Your future?
ED
No.
(quietly)
Are you a guy or a girl? I don't really
care either way but it's sort of bothered
me.
The mystic's mouth drops open.
ED (CONT'D)
Sorry but- Let me get you another coffee.
MONTAGE
- Coffee pot empty
- grinding coffee
- filter with coffee
-coffee brews
BACK TO SCENE.
The bell rings.
A man who looks like a stereo-typical gansta PIMP walks in
followed by a fat PROSTITUTE. The scene freezes and the
graphic reads 'Stereotypis Gansteris & Dysfunctiono Whoritis'
NARRATOR
I got two words, Tough and times. Who do
I feel worse for?
Pimp walks directly to the counter.
The Pimp slaps a bank card on the table.
PIMP
Gimme twenty bucks man.
NARRATOR
I guess me.
ED
What?
PIMP
Twenty bucks. Run this through.
ED
I can't
PIMP
Shit. Just do it!
ED
I can't Sorry. Here have these on me.
Ed pours two coffees and puts them on the counter. He looks
up and the Pimp has pulled a knife.
PIMP
Run the card through or I run you
through.
ED
Holy shit! I can't man.
The pimp leans menacingly over the counter.
PIMP
I said run it-
Pimp looks around.
PIMP (CONT'D)
Where's the interact at?
ED
We don't have one!
Long uncomfortable silence.
PIMP
Coffee's free?
Ed nods. Pimp puts his knife away and grabs both coffees.
PIMP (CONT'D)
My bad.
Pimp walks to a table with the Prostitute waddling behind. He
sits.
PIMP (CONT'D)
Shit bitch. Go get you own coffee!
The prostitute turns back to the counter.
PIMP (CONT'D)
Hey!
She turns.
PIMP (CONT'D)
Gimme two sugars in each of mine.
She comes back and get the coffees.
PIMP (CONT'D)
Hey. No sugar in yours though.
Ed pours the coffee and reaches for his smokes. He lowers
slowly behind the counter and fumbles with his smokes. He
tries in vain to light on cigarette.
The Pimp pops his head over. Ed flinches.
PIMP (CONT'D)
You ain't calling the cops are you?
ED
No.
PIMP
Cool man, You got vanilla?
ED
On the counter.
Ed points off screen. The Pimp disappears from view.
TITLE CARD
4 AM
INT. JAVA JOINT - NIGHT
Ed is watching Natalie work on something.
NARRATOR
Oh yeah baby. Where do you want me to put
it? Oh that's so dirty. Then where do you
want this thick-
Ed shifts uncomfortably.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Shit, I'm geting a hard on. I gotta think
flacid thoughts.
The bell rings. Ed snaps out of it.
A dirty looking man walks in and makes a beeline for the
counter. Ed winces. The man is VINNIE. The scene freezes.
The graphic reads 'crazis crazis'. The scene unfreezes.
VINNIE
How are you. I'm really concerned how
youÕve been I've had a bad day. Bad says
are just for me cuz that son of a bitch
ripped me off they donÕt like me because
they think I'm not all upstairs you know
what I mean.
NARRATOR
That did it.
ED
Hey Vinnie have a coffee on me.
VINNIE
Coffee's good. Somebody said all you need
is love. You canÕt eat love. You can't
drink love. Can love take you to a movie?
All you need is blood. Blood I could
understand. At then it would make for
sense. How high can you count because I
have a friend.
NARRATOR
Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall.
Ninety nine bottles of beer. Take one
down pass it around. Ninety eight bottles
of beer on the wall. Ninety eight bottles
of beer. Take one down...
TITLE CARD
5:38 AM
INT. JAVA JOINT - NIGHT
The scene hasn't changed.
VINNIE
That's why I don't drive cuz driving -
what time is it?
NARRATOR
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. shut
up. shut up.
ED
Eight AM.
VINNIE
I'm late!
Vinnie runs out of the coffee shop. Ed looks down and the
coffee that he poured is still there and very cold. He pours
it down the sink. Looks up and the Pimp is standing up
against the wall looking like a prostitute would. Ed is
perplexed and rubs his eyes.
NARRATOR
What the... I gotta sleep.
The bells rings.
A clean cut YOUNG MAN walks confidently up to the counter.
The screen freezes and the graphic reads 'Preppitis evillis'.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Something evil this way comes.
The scene unfreezes.
ED
Coffee?
YOUNG MAN
Let me ask you a question.
ED
Can't you just have a free coffee?
YOUNG MAN
Have you ever thought about Satan?
ED
Look I don't need anymore Christian
pamphlets-
Young Man laughs.
YOUNG MAN
Christian? I mean have you ever thought
about Satanism as a calling?
Young Man hands Ed a Pamphlet. Its cover is a smiling devil.
YOUNG MAN (CONT'D)
IÕm trying to attract new followers to
join Lucifer's army.
The bell rings.
A manic bearded man dressed in rags runs in. We'll call him
POTATO SACK. The scene freezes and graphic reads 'dirti
dirteous'
The scene unfreezes.
POTATO SACK
Has anyone seen a young - You!
Points at Young Man
YOUNG MAN
Oh shit.
NARRATOR
Surrey fight! Surrey fight!
POTATO SACK
Don't be lead down this garden path by
this abomination!
YOUNG MAN
Will you stop following me around. Do I
have to get a restraining order.
They begin to yell at one another using bible quotes. Ed's
face goes blank and pale.
ED
Okay! Both of you shut up!
YOUNG MAN
He started it.
POTATO SACK
Did not.
ED
You two have a lot to discuss. Take these
free coffees and sit over there by the
person with the tarot cards. If you can't
both talk then leave but otherwise shut
the fuck up!
Everyone applauds and the two meekly get their coffee and
move along.
Ed looks up and sees that the prostitute is standing up
leaning against the wall like she was watching cars drive by.
He rubs his eyes again.
NARRATOR
Deja vu.
She walks over to Ed. Ed rubs his eyes again, but a little
harder.
PROSTITUTE
(quietly)
You wanna hump? I'm clean. You did give
us coffee.
Ed looks to the Pimp and he nods at him with a smile. Ed nods
back.
ED
I would but my um-
NARRATOR
Balls just crawled into my belly. My dick
just committed suicide by jumping in my
shoe. My-
ED
Girlfriend is over there.
Ed points to Natalie.
PROSTITUTE
You two serious?
ED
Oh yes.
Ed takes a long sip of his coffee.
PROSTITUTE
Well I bet she can't-
She whispers to Ed and he spits out some coffee choking.
ED
I bet she couldn't
The prostitute turns and walk back to her seat.
PROSTITUTE
He said he couldn't because of his
girlfriend.
The bell rings.
A JUNKIE staggers to the pay-phone. He's going through some
major withdrawals, it also looks like he has to go to the
bathroom.
The scene freezes and a graphic comes up which reads 'Highus
as a kiteis'
NARRATOR
This is the guy you avoid in Surrey.
He puts a quarter in the phone and attempts to dial however
he keeps stopping his dialing to double over or scratch. His
quarter is promptly eaten.
JUNKIE
Shit FUCK!
Junkie staggers to the counter.
JUNKIE (CONT'D)
Excuse me, do you have a quarter I can
borrow?
ED
Um, sure. You want a coffee?
JUNKIE
Just a quarter.
Ed opens the till.
next page (for the second half)
