COLLEGE ROAD TRIP(WHERE ANYTHING GOES!!!)
So I get invited to tag along with my good buddies, Christian and Ryan to visit the degree granting institution known as Syracuse University. So.. we all got back from our second spring break and gear up to leave. As we pull out of the good ol' Indian parking lot at Ualbany, we screamed "College Road Trip!! Anything Goes!!!" So then it was off on our 130 mile journey in Ryans fathers black Explorer to syracuse. The trip there was pretty good. I listened to my discman. Ryan pumped up G N'R on his phat system. Christian tried to stay still to avoid the knife weilding pain of the sunburn he recieved in hawaii last week. So we arrived after driving in circles around Syracuse. Actually, it was more of an oval type shape, but whos counting. We then proceeded to go and visit our buddy Meg in her building. So we pretty much chilled for the night and talked about stuff. Meg was kind enough to make Me and Ryan Easy Mac. I wasn't being showered with alchohol and having sex with 10 women at once, like i expected "College Road Trips" to be like, but it was all good. Then it was time to meet this little fruit named Trey Granger. He happened to make the mistake of messing with me online and making fun of me on various occasions. So, he though he was all badass making fun of me, but never expected for me to ever show up in his room and start pushing him around. So I shoved him a couple of times, and made the little runt apologize. So after that whole thing we returned to Megs where Me and Ryan had a long conversation via phone and computer with this nice girl Beth, and eventually we went to sleep. The next morning, Ryan and myself woke up at 8am to attend his "Accepted Students Visit." Thats right folks.. Ryan is trasferring to Syracuse University next year. So we get greeted, and offered waxy donut type pastries, and some high quality orange juice(I think it was Tropicana.. nice touch!). So then they herded everyone into this auditorium type place, and we got shown this high budget film on the history of the University. They should have had Leneord Nimoy narrate it though. I know that if I heard the voice of tv's Mr. Spock, I would have immediately thrown 35,000 dollars of tuition money straight at the school. After this video, they dismissed us by school. Ryan is going to be a student at the School of Management. It says so on his complimentary t-shirt. So we get this hour and a half speech by various proffessors, officials, and students of the department. I nodded off about 3 times due to the fact that I'm not going to be going to this goddamn school. I was just in the ride for free food. So after this long boring ordeal, we got to the food. I was quite disappointed. They fed us this real crappy pasta in alfredo sauce. The only cool thing about the complimentary lunch was that we got to eat on the field of the Carrier Dome. I was thinking about spiking my salad bowl in the end zone, but decided against it. There was more stuff to do for the "visit" thing after that, but we had definately lost patience in it. We returned to Meg's room and prepared to go with her to her only class for the day. So we go to this "Public Affairs" class, and find out quickly that 78 percent of the kids in this class are doofuses. The proffessor was a real cool guy though.. he said bullshit on numerous occassions, and made a point to belittle anyone who said anything stupid. Another thing was that the classrooms in Syracuse are really nice.. the seats are like the seats in movie theatres. This was obviously awkward.. me being from a state public college. So after class, we went to eat lunch with Beth. We ate at Haven Hall, which is where Ryan is gonna live next year. The food was really good. I had McDonalds type chicken nuggets and some grilled cheese. After acting like idiots and christian throwing some grapes, we left and went to the bank, cause Meg musta been strapped for cash or something. So after the bank, Beth took us back to where she lives. Beth lives in the area of the campus they call "The Mount". You have to walk up like 8 flights of stairs up a friggin cliff to get up to where her hall is. And if living that high up aint enough, her hall is shaped like a penis! Thats right kids, I shit you not..
But anyway, we chilled in Beth's highly decorated room for a while and Ryan and I browsed through her copy of the best selling book entitled "Cunt". We also met her annoying romate who was rather ugly and was acting like a real slut too. After that, we went back to megs place and watched the simpsons. Its on twice a night there. So after having an hour of pure simpsons entertainment, we pondered what to do about dinner. We decided on Cosmos, a quality diner/pizza type place. Beth once again joined us. It was on our way there where Christian started loudmouthing some old people who were visiting the campus with their kids.. talking about all the drugs and porno that is on the campus as we were walking past them... etc. So we got there and had a leisurely meal(I had a delicious chicken parm. sub). Then on our way back to the campus, we were entertained by Christian walking like a robot due to his severe sunburn. We also got a group picture taken by a security/parking type guy(he was wearing a uniform and a plastic badge).. he was obviously weirded out. After some more sick remarks to visiting parents, we parted ways with beth, and returned yet again to megs. We lingered for a while, and then got in the ol' explorer and returned to albany. The trip back was cool.. the thruway was empty, and we had a conversation about this sylvester stalone arm wresling movie called "Over the Top". I haven't seen it yet, but it sounds like a rad movie. Then we got back home to crappy UAlbany. Hi fives were then given for a succesful road trip!
WALMART SHOPPING SPREE!
So Christian got a gift certificate to Walmart for 50 bucks. That card and boredom can be a dangerous thing. So we go down to walmart with the intention of buying the most rediculous combination of items we can find. You're probably thinking to yourself "oh no." right about now. Well we went around the isles for an hour and a half looking for weird shit. Among things purchased, were a gigantic plush catfish, ultimately named "captain whiskers", a can of spam lunchmeat, 2 eye patches, a pack of pokemon kids underpants, a pack t shirts and printable iron ons(the possibilities are endless) and a bunch of other weird items. We got some funny looks from the casheir and walked out with a lot of crazy crap we didn't need. On a side note I brought a pair of the pokemon underwear with me when i saw weezer with the intention to get them autographed, but i never got the chance. Gift Cards Rule!
NEW ROOMATE
So the fine University at Albany decides to renovate Stienmentz hall, which i inhabited last semester. That meant that they moved everyone who was in the hall to a newly renovated hall across campus. Ryan and Christian in this melee, decided that they wanted to room together forcing me to get a new roomate. I got a real winner. The first thing he says to me as i walk in the door is, "I can't wait to light up some chronic, yo." I knew this was gonna be a good 3 months. Anyway, Friaday night rolls around and he goes out to get drunk and whatnot and i'm like, "have fun" because i'm not very into the albany bar scene. he comes back in the room at 4am, falling all over the place. The next morning i found out that he was arrested that night for public urination and defication, and possetion of a fake id. Oh yeah, he got a 1.8 gpa last semester. I'm currently taking bets on how long it'll be till he gets kicked out of school??? email all wagers to BriPunk@hotmail.com
THIS MEANS WAR
Late on thursday night, Ryan heard the sound of some drunk girls outside our door for a while. We woke up the next morning to find our masterpiece of a door decoration gone. Everything from broken cds that we taped up there, to the "check your concience at the door" sign all gone. We have our obvious suspicions on who could have committed such a crime, and they will pay for this injustice!
JESUS CHRIST, THESE GIRLS ARE MORONS AND WE WERE EXPECTING AN ASSHOLE.
Well, as in previous entries on this page have proven, the internet is a very evil thing. Anyway, me, ryan, and christian have our IM names posted on our door, which is a sort of invitation to a degree of being screwed with. Well, in the past couple of months we've encountered a number of consistant screen names annoying us with such with requests for cybersex, a "friendly chat", if we know people, etc.. Well we've come to draw conclusions after we found out that they lived in our hall, and we had been getting closer and closer to proving that the "ASSHOLE" was to blame for it, being that he is an asshole and all. Now Big D from NYC(the coolest guy you'll ever meet) has had several encounters with the asshole. The asshole reportedly got in an altercation with Big D and said "I don't speak your dialect." So now that we know this kid's a hardcore racist, and we think hes messing with us online. So anyway, its the night before the last day of classes and its around 2:00am and I had a class 9 the next morning so as usual, i went to bed and christian stayed up on his computer. It was then that Cristian recieved an IM that they wanted to meet us...... So ryan walks in and sees that they're coming and big d catches wind of it too. So they're all ready for the asshole to walk through the door so they could all beat the shit out of him, and who knocks? The two most annoying, loud, nosy, girls i've ever seen. They immediatly walk in my room to talk to christian, see that i'm sleeping and start talking to him full volume, which instantly wakes me up. I'm not in the best of moods, and i don't think anyone was... and it was pretty harsh. Christian then explains to them how we thought that they were the asshole and we were ready to kill them.... but they happened to be friends with the asshole and are pretty much almost definately tell him. Anyway they left, i complained about being waken up by these fucking bitches, and the asshole is gonna know we hate him. I think there's gonna be a brawl in the next week. Don't be suprised if i come home with a black eye, and some bruises.
WRONG NUMBER
Ryan, Christian and I have always had a policy of receiving wrong numbers. Saying, “hold on one second,” and passing it to the nearest roommate. This particular week, my phone had gotten about 5 wrong numbers. These were mostly looking for a girl, Mary. Christian had fielded those calls by responding in a womanly voice and talking dirty. This is quite humorous. This morning we had a really good one. Some guy called asking for this George guy, so I passed it to Ryan, and he said over the phone in a very loud raspy voice, “HOW YA DOIN, YA OLD SON OF A BITCH!” and then the man responded, “I don’t think this is the usual response I get from the doctor.”
BRIAN BLUM- A DANCIN' MACHINE
Well I had another one of those interesting Friday nights that i seem to have around here. First, Ryan got his parents car and went to go visit Ryan's friend at Siena college where we pretty much killed eachother on some fighting game on playstation for 2 hours. Around 11:00 we went home in anticipation of watching American Psyco on university cable. Well we got the times screwed up for that, at our dissapointment. Well then they talked to Ryans friend online who said she was going clubbing. Ryan told her to get over here so they could go with them. She showed up around 1:30 and i was rocking out to 311 the whole time and didn't know what was goin on. After insulting the girl's clubbing attire("who shot the couch and made it your shirt?"), christian decided not to go, so they asked me. I said "what the fuck. why not." and left with them in anticipation to "get my groove on." So we get to this club and I'm dressed in my usual punk rock manner with chain, who cares shirt and all. Well to say the least, I was ready to party. So Ryan and the girl we came with immediatly start dancing and i followed them. So I started playin some hos on the dance floor and showin my skillz. Needless to say I clubbed to the definition of clubbing. but anyway, I got home 5 dollars broker and had 3 illegitamate children, but whos counting!
HIGH SCHOOL PLAY CAST PARTY
this story has been deleted due to misinformation and being an asshole on my part.
WELL I'LL BE DAMNED, ITS DAVE!
For those of you who know Dave Andrisani(petes bro) this might intrest you. A long time ago, probably a year or 2 ago I remember dave telling me that he was in the Fugazi video-"Instrument." Well I was on the Fugazi page and i'm goin through stuff and i go to video clips and I'm watching them, then I click on this clip from "Instrument" called "portraits" and sure enough, 4 portraits in is Dave! He's standing on the left wearing a blue Weston shirt and hes sportin' the shaggy haircut. To see the whole video, view "Portraits" after clicking here.
SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS part III
Well the Murph finally caught up with Ryan on Wednesday. He got him on the phone and made an appointment with the Irish bastard. Well, when he went for the appointment, me and Christian followed him with a video camera and taped the entire meeting through a window. Man, this guy has the hugest head I've ever seen on a human body. The conversation, to my dissapointment, went well and Ryan "restored his personal integrity" with the Murph. The funny part is that he liked to be called the sheriff. But anyway, you would think that we dragged this on long enough, but Ryan is gonna email him and invite him to go fishing. The entire detailed "Shove it up your ass" saga will soon be available on orangecaesar.com, just go to the links page.
THE PHIL VS. THE BLUM
As I've probably told everyone, I joined a frat league softball team. Well I go out for my first game with these kids and I start playing. The opposing team was up first and the frat we played was pretty serious. They had the uniforms and the cleats, they meant business. Anyway after that we were at bat. I looked over and to my surprise, the pitcher was number 89 himself, PHIL! Yes, that dopey computer guy who couldn't fix Ryans computer. I couldn't wait to get up. My first at bat was pure competition. After taking a couple of high ones from the Philster, he threw and ouside pitch and I flyed out. He won that time, but I was bent on revenge. The next at bat, I took the count to 3 balls, 2 strikes and he pitched me a high one. He didn't expect a bunt though and I bunted the ball right between Philly's legs. 2 runs scored and I began to yell "In your face, Phil!!" He was scared. He knows not to mess with me anymore!!
SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS part II
Well Christian as you recall from part 1, got some heat from Director of Judicial Affairs, John Murphy for calling a staff member an asshole and telling them to shove his website up thier ass. Well, after this happened Ryan posted the Murph's "confidential" email to christian on his website and included some choice words about the murph afterwards including, "Well, Murph, We're gonna show you who's the boss Tony Danza Style". When the Murph met with Christian, he made light of the fact that he saw the webpage and he was pissed at Ryan and what he wrote. Ryan deleted the page, but not before the Murph saved it. So now the Murph is after Ryan and has been trying to get in touch with him all week with failing results. When he called, Ryan was at class and Ryan didn't respond to any of his emails. After a week, Murph finally decided to send someone to the room when, you guessed it, he was at class. So on monday, Ryan decided to finally email him back. Though he didn't decide to stop fucking with the Murph as he sent the entire email in Binary code. Man, he is gonna be pissed.
THE FIGHT
It was Friday night and after watching all the new movies University cable movie channel had to offer(Goodfellas, Casino, and Scarface[it must be mob week or something]) and going through a box of tissues to this ebola strength cold i had, It was 3am. I just got into my bed when all of the sudden i hear what sounds like someone being hit over the head with a table. After some more loud noises i hear, "Whos the bitch now, muthafucka!" Which immediatly sent me outside to find two guys in a drunken stupor beating the crap out of eachother and a girl behind them swearing very loudly. It was about that time that the RAs came in and started breaking it up. Fucking RAs. They ruin all the fun.
I HAVE A FUCKING SQUIRREL, WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?
This is by far the wierdest thing that has ever happened to me. Me and Ryan are watching the mets game attentively in our common room. Our door is open and I noticed that 2 girls are standing right outside our door and i peaked my head over to see what was going on. They noticed that i looked and proceeded to walk into the room. It was then that i noticed that one of them had a squirrel! They immediatly put they're stuff down and threw the squirell on me and started talking to us. After repeated attempts to crawl onto my crotch i forcefully gave the squirrel back and they proceed to give it to Ryan and continue to be wierd. Ryan threw the thing back too and Christian was in our room on his computer, listening to music through headphones and was completely oblivious to what was happening. They run into the room and stick the squirrel in Christians face and he screamed out,"WHAT THE FUCK" and they threw the squirrel at christian unwillingly and Christian like me and Ryan threw the probably rabid squirrel back. After that, they stood in front of the tv while we were trying to watch the game and tried to talk and find out where we were from and whatnot(just in case you are wondering, they were pretty ugly). We answered one word answers while continually positioning ourselves to see the goddamn game. They finally got the point that we thought they were wierd and that we didn't want this dirty squirrel in our room and they left. I hope no one walks in our room with a skunk, because we're not gonna be polite like we were this time!
SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS
For a while, Christian has been trying to get his sports web page linked to the main Albany web page and he was denied because his website was "commercial"(meanwhile Ryan got OrangeCaesar.com linked first try) Anyway he kept trying and the guy wouldn't link it, so Christian in his usual Asshole manner decides to e-mail this guy and tells him, "Hey Asshole, you can take my website and shove it up your ass" He then got an e-mail several hours later saying that he has to report to the Director of Judiciary affairs(the dude who gets people in deep shit) about the manner- so its true- you can get in trouble for calling someone an asshole!
THE COACH
Christian and Ryan have been developing a hobby out of fucking with people on instant messenger. Last night, they did a buddy wizard search to find someone to mess with and came across this guy, CoachSpivy and Ryan had found his target. He looked at the guy's profile and found out that he was a 41 year old guy and decided to prtended to be gay and come on to this guy thinking that he would just get pissed off and block him. But, no. The guy played along for about 45 minutes! It got pretty sick but people who were hanging in the room at the time were hysterical. To see the entire conversation, click here
THE COMPUTER MONITOR
Ryan was part of his track team in H.S. and he regularly runs around the campus. He told me about this spot along this route that he takes where theres all this broken computer stuff. One night around 11:30 Ryan invites me to go running with him to steal one of the monitors that was out there. We went and got the monitor and came back and couldn't figure out what to do with it so we just left it in the middle of our common room. Now its friday night around 3am and we're just chillin and I'm playing guitar and writing some stuff and Cristian tells me that they were going to break the monitor and I was in the middle of doing my shit so I said,"have fun." All I hear from the hall is someone saying,"beat the shit out of that thing" which turned out to be just a drunk guy coming home with some chicks. Anyway they went out and proceeded to maim the monitor with a baseball bat and a crowd grows around them and other people start taking shots at this thing until its completely destoyed. Video of this entire incedent will soon be available on orangeceasar.com including me playing the "success riff" on my guitar.
THE PHIL
Every residence hall has a computer guy and they're supposed to help out whichever way they can. Of all the people, we got a winner, Phil. My roomate, Ryan just put a ethernet card in his computer to get hooked up to the internet and wasn't having too much luck getting it working so we call good ol' Phil in. He does the same thing about 200 times till he realizes that it wasn't working and proceeded to tell him to bring it to the computer store and spend 45$ to get it fixed. The next morning, Ryan tried jiggling the card and in 5 minutes was online. Later that day, the girls down the hall from us put a sign on their door that said, "computer guy come here." Then my roomates printed out a picture of Phil from the web and wrote on it- hi i'm phil and taped it to their door. A week after that we started hanging out with the girls and the told us about how some psycos put a picture of phil on their door and he was very confused and thought that they did it. The next day, we pass Phil coming out his room and my roomates come up with a plan.( i was not involved in this cause its just plain mean) They put up a flyer that there was going to be a party in his room saturday night. Needless to say it was pretty funny and it got taken down a couple of hours after they put it up.
THE ASSHOLE
Right outside our hall, they're doing construction and there are palletes full of bricks and we wanted to take some so we could raise our beds and our tv. So its around midnight and we go out with a crate to put them in. On our way back in some guy stops us and asked us what we were doing with the bricks rather forcefully. We never saw this guy before and he didn't look like he had any authority. But he kept on looking in the crate and giving us the third degree so we just said fuck this guy and just walked past him. We then named him "The Asshole." A couple of nights later we were hanging out with the chicks down the hall and they start telling us about a guy from the other side of the hall who walked into their room and just started talking to them and asking them questions and pretty much trying to get some and they described him. It was the asshole alright! they even called him the asshole too! The next day he passed us and gave us a nod and my roomate called him an asshole under his breath. He's goin down!
HOT BOX ACTION
We were chillin one night and i was writing a report and my roomate was on instant messenger and was talking to his friend and Ryan came in to watch and and my roomate's friend said that he was gonna try and get some "hot box action tonight." We all thought that was incredibly funny and so we put a sign up on our door saying thats theres all the hot box action any ladies want in this room.
