So we've reached this point in time where everything has to be super safe and extremely idiot-proof. It all started with safety scissors, because people forgot to tell their kids that sharp blades will tear their skin. Then they made it illegal to ride a bike without a bulletproof helmet complete with a visor and special kneepads because too many kids were riding their bikes downhill on the freeway with their hands on their heads. Then a couple weeks ago I took a walk to the playground where just fourteen years ago my dad would spin the twirly thing so fast kids were flying off and smashing their heads on rocks left right and center - and guess what - that twirly thing wasnt even there anymore. I have a chainsaw sitting out in my garage right now with a warning sticker that says "warning: do not attempt to stop blade with fingers". And people are suing McDonalds for not storing their coffee in the same freezer as the McFlurries and McShitcicles and go figure!! they poured it straight into their crotches and burned themselves. Well, what's next? Do we need to make tablesaws that not only tell you 'do not stop blade with fingers' but actually have the blades programmed to stop for your fingers?

    Apparently we do. And a powertool company in Oregon called Manufac took the initiative to make my dream a reality. Seems to me that they just finally got tired of spending money and labour hours over workman's compensation when their employees continually cut off their fingers trying to stop the blades; so they invented a smartsaw, so to speak, called the SAWSTOP. Basically what it is is a new technology where the sawblades stop moving if you put your stupid fucking fingers in front of them. Didn't anybody pay attention on the first day of ninth grade shop class when the two-fingered, one-armed, wooden-legged professor said "don't stick your grubby little fingers in front of these 'ere blades, they'll slice 'em right off" Here is their site: it will tell you all about it and do a better job than I am.

    Demo "In our video demonstrations, we are cutting a sheet of plywood or particle board and place a hot dog in the path of the blade to simulate a user's finger. The SawStop system detects contact between the hot dog and the blade of the saw and stops the blade in approximately 5 milliseconds or less, resulting in only a small nick in the skin of the hot dog. For ease in viewing, we have removed the saw guard from the saw in our table saw video demo, however, we recommend using the SawStop system along with physical blade guards for maximum protection."

    Beyond the very thought that we actually need to design such fucktard-proof machinery; there are several things wrong with this product, in the above paragraph alone, that just don't sit right with me...

    First of all.. They use a hot dog. How safe can this product actually be if the very people who designed it are afraid to put their fingers in front of it? That's like saying "We'll show you how effective this bike helmet is by putting a canteloupe inside it and hurling it at a wall.". I understand that they've probably already seen so many people get their digits lobbed off by these deadly pieces of metal, so they'd probably be too chickenshit around pointy things to actually try it; but they guarantee that the blade stops before it hits your hand. Isn't that the whole point of this product? (And what if I'm in my workshop and I want to chop up some salami? I gotta go all the way upstairs to the kitchen? Fuck that.) Not only do they not stick their fingers in front of the super-safe comfort-blade 2000, but they warn you to use the blade guards anyways! Personally, if I were behind something like this, I'd encourage people to do stunts with it; and mail in their home videos of it for rebates (points awarded for pushing the wood through with your face or genitals, bonus points for doing so on top of a moving train, or while riding a luge down a gravel road). Afterall, technology never fucks up so what do you have to worry about... besides the tarantulas. Really.

     How it works: "The SawStop system works by recognizing the difference in the electrical properties of wood and a user. The system induces a high-frequency electrical signal on the blade of a table saw and monitors this signal for changes caused by contact between the blade and a user's body....The SawStop system detects this change in the electrical signal and immediately forces a brake into the teeth of the blade. The brake absorbs the energy of the blade, bringing the blade to a complete stop in approximately 5 milliseconds."

   Okay, did I just read that right? "Electrical properties of wood and a user." Unless you got your wood from another planet and/or you are a robot, y--... well, you've completely lost me. All false stupidity aside (I -do- understand what they mean, please don't email me to tell me how big of a moron I am; because I'm not that retarded.) It just occured to me that some people are really that stupid; and when they read that the blade stops in about 5 milliseconds, you know what they'll do?? They'll try and beat it. They're going to try all different things to get their digits chopped off. Especially kids - all kids are fucking morons. They'll move their fingers super rapidly towards it, and when that doesn't work they'll play chicken by hovering their palms just above the deadly blade, figure out exactly how close you have to be and adjust position by about a millimeter, then slam their hands down onto the blade from above super fast. Assuming that they're not using the blade guards, that is; but people don't pay attention to things like that, otherwise we wouldn't need to make these things in the first place.

     Features: "The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission reports that there were approximately 33,000 injuries from table and bench saws in 1998 that were sufficiently serious to require a hospital visit. These injuries can now be minimized or completely avoided with SawStop technology.... Unlike blade guards, a safety system incorporating SawStop technology provides an always on, non-removable safety system.... Because it is sometimes necessary to cut metal or metal-clad materials, the safety system includes a bypass switch to temporarily disable the system while cutting these materials...Every time you turn on your table saw, the safety system performs a self-check to ensure the system is installed correctly and is fully operational. If the system detects a problem, it will disable the saw's motor so that you are not using the saw unprotected."

    If thirty 33,000 people a year are impaling themselves on a saw, that's about 100 a day; and those are only the ones who weren't too stupid to go to the hospital. So that's at least 100 morons per day who aren't interfering with the lives of us other, more intellegent, people. Besides that, I'd like to move on to the multiple contradictions regarding the (allegedly) 'always-on' safety system. I'll quote them again on that to rub it in: "SawStop technology provides an always on, NON FUCKING REMOVABLE safety system." but a couple clicks down they say "The safety system includes a bypass switch to temporarily disable the system". Not very non-removable, I guess. But as if we weren't clever enough to catch them in their web of lies the first time around they go on to tell us "Every time you turn on your saw, it performs a self-check. If the system detects a problem, it will disable the saw's motor." So let me get this straight... I can disable my non-disable-able safety system which disables itself if the safety is off. So in other words if we need to cut metal, we can disable the safety, but we'll have to turn the blades really fast with our own hands because the motor wont run (which leads to a whole new series of problems.).. So in actuality, if you want to cut metal, you're fucked.

 
    To sum it all up, we are making products so safe these days that they defy common sense. But I guess if the majority of people had common sense we'd have almost 33,000 more fingers on our hands. I tell you one thing; you will never ever see a sawstop in my garage, workshop, tool shed, or torture chamber. That's right: because I'm not an idiot and I know what will hurt me without having to prove it to myself. Not only that, but I will continue to watch TV without a helmet, drink Fresca without elbow pads, and use the telephone without wearing a flame-retardant gloves and shark-repellant safety suit.

    Thank you, and goodnight.