In the morning, Nick woke first to the sound of his alarm going off down the hall. He opened his eyes and blinked against the light streaming in the open window. He was momentarily confused, trying to figure out what he was doing in the guest bedroom.

Then he felt a body stir behind him. A body that was spooning him. He turned his head slightly to find Alex lying there, pressed against him, his arm thrown over his waist. Nick turned back, staring at an unimportant spot on the wall a few feet away. Despite what he'd told Alex last night, he had feelings for him. He wouldn't have called it love exactly, but it was something more than friendship. Shit. He couldn't afford to feel that. Alex was nowhere near free for the taking.

He lifted Alex's arm slowly, easing out from underneath it. Once he was standing, he laid his hand back down gently and stared at the sleeping man for a moment before turning and leaving to go break his alarm in half. His emotions were a jumbled up mess inside him and he needed to break something. He figured his alarm was as good as anything.

After Nick left, Alex opened his eyes. He'd actually woken up about the same time Nick had, but couldn't face him right away, not laying in bed right next to him, so he'd pretended to still be asleep.

He felt like an ass. He didn't know how to act around him now. He didn't normally fuck his friends. He tried to figure out what it all meant. How did he feel about him? He knew he wasn't in love with him or anything. Sure, he loved him as a friend, but nothing beyond that. He just felt, well, more affectionate toward him now. That wasn't a bad thing, right? Right. Except for the fact that for Nick it was something more. No matter what he had said last night, Alex could tell that it had meant something to him. He'd seen the emotions playing in his blue eyes.

He turned onto his back and brought his fists up, pressing them against his now closed eyes. Fuck. Something else to feel guilty about. As if he didn't have enough already between Sara, the guys, his family, even the fans. Pulling his fists back away from his eyes, he opened them again and stared up at the ceiling.

There was one bright spot in this whole mess, he realized with a start. He'd actually had sex with Nick. Not Kevin. For once he didn't have to picture Kevin to get off. It was a strange feeling. He didn't know if he liked it or not, but he didn't feel like drowning himself in a bottle at the moment, so he figured that was something at least.

A loud crash came from the other room. Alex hopped out of bed and into his boxers before heading out into the hall to make sure Nick was all right. He found him in a clean pair of boxers in his room staring down at the broken remains of his alarm clock.

"Nick?"

Nick turned slightly, glancing at Alex. With a sheepish grin he said, "Fucking thing wouldn't shut off."

Alex had heard it stop a full minute before Nick had broken it, but didn't say so. "Oh, ok."

They stared at each other in silence, neither knowing what to say. Nick broke the silence first.

"About last night. I know I said I was fine with however long this lasted, but I'm not. I can't do that again. I'm sorry."

Alex nodded in understanding. "It's ok. Last night was great, Nick, thanks."

"Thanks for what?"

"Getting my mind off him. Hasn't happened in a long time."

"I thought you weren't obsessing over him anymore?"

"I'm not. I meant in bed. When I have sex, I picture him. Always….at least always until last night. Last night it was just me and you there."

Nick didn't know what to say. He crossed the room and pulled Alex to him, kissing him deeply. When they pulled apart, Nick looked at a spot on the wall, unable to meet his eyes. "Sorry, shouldn't have done that."

Alex felt a pain in his gut. He prayed last night didn't fuck up their friendship, but it was looking increasingly like it had.

He swallowed and said, "Don't worry about it. Listen, I'm going to go grab a shower so we can get going. We're already running late I think. The guys won't be too happy."

Alex turned to leave, but was stopped at the door by the sound of Nick's voice.

"Alex, even if we're a half hour late they're going to be ecstatic. You're clean and sober, healthier looking than in a long time, maybe ever, and happy. That's everything, to all of us."

Alex fought back the rush of emotion threatening to take him over. Without looking back, he said, "Thanks," then disappeared around the corner.

A while later, they pulled up to the rehearsal studio in Nick's truck. Alex stared at the building as Nick cut the engine. He sat for a moment, thinking to himself. This was it. Back to life as usual. Only it wouldn't be the same, He was sober and considerably more upbeat than he'd been before. He still had his demons, mainly a tall, dark-haired, green-eyed demon, but he wasn't depressed about it anymore.

Sure, he had antidepressants which the doctors had prescribed that helped some of it, but the main reason was that he'd gotten his feelings for the older man into perspective. He knew it could never be between them, that he was with Kristin and that would have to be enough. He loved him and wanted him to be happy. Even if it wasn't with him.

"Ready?" Nick asked, watching his friend. Alex had a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look on his face.

"Fuck if I know. I'm scared shitless about facing all of them. Especially Kevin. I cut him completely out. He's probably mad at me for it." Alex said, not taking his eyes off the door to the building.

Nick reached over and took Alex's hand in his, squeezing it reassuringly. "Kevin's not mad at you."

Alex looked down at his hand in Nick's liking the feeling of it. Nick had always been a touchy feely person and it hadn't affected Alex much one way or the other up until now. But now he found it reassuring. He didn't know if it was because he desperately needed support at that moment for what he was about to do, or if it was because of what they'd shared the night before. Either way it was helping and he was grateful for that.

After the awkwardness when they'd first faced each other this morning, things had been all right between them. Not exactly normal, but probably as close as they could get for a while anyway.

Finally he looked away from their intertwined fingers and looked up into Nick's eyes. "Let's go."

Taking a deep breath, he let go of Nick's hand and climbed out of the car, heading for the building. Nick got there first and pulled the door open, stepping aside for him to enter first. Alex paused one last time at the entrance before heading in. Time to face all the guys together. He hadn't been with all of them together since that morning in Boston. He'd seen them individually, well, except for Kevin, but not all together. He was nervous to say the least.

Inside the studio, the rest of the guys were already there, sitting around chatting and joking, pretending it was just a normal day, a normal rehearsal. Below the surface though, lay a nervous tension as they waited for Alex and Nick to arrive.

Kevin sat off in a corner, elbows resting on knees, hands clasped together, silently staring down at the floor between his feet. He hadn't told the guys about his wife yet and he doubted he would anytime soon. He just wasn't ready to deal with all the questions, and he didn't want Alex thinking it had anything to do with him.

His failed marriage wasn't what was weighing on his mind at that moment though. Any minute Alex was going to walk through that door. He wished he had a clue what to expect. He'd picked up the phone to call him several times last night, just wanting to hear his voice, but each time he'd hung up without dialing.

Brian watched his cousin out of the corner of his eye. He was worried about him. Kevin had been so withdrawn since Alex had left. Every time he'd called him to give him an update, Kevin's voice had held a note of hope. Every time, the first question out of his mouth was, 'Does he still want me to stay away?', and at Brian's inevitable answer of yes, his voice would become sad, his comments little more than one word answers. Brian knew he felt guilty for how he'd acted that morning and it was obvious to him by the fact that Alex hadn't wanted him to call or visit that he was having a hard time with it too.

When Alex walked in with Nick, Howie was the first to see them. He hopped up and ran over, enclosing Alex in a hug. Brian soon followed and then they were all standing around talking a mile a minute about all that had happened while Alex was gone. All but Kevin who continued to sit in the corner taking in the scene.

Alex looked good, better than good. He looked damn good, healthy and happy. His skin had a warm glow to it again. He heard his raspy voice mention something about how many days sober he had now. A smile tugged at the corners of Kevin's lips as Nick cheered and picked Alex up, swinging him around in a big circle. He watched as Alex laughed and smacked him on the shoulder demanding in the way only Alex could, complete with affectionate swearing, to put him down. Finally Nick did and he was quickly engulfed once again by Howie and then Brian.

After the second round of hugs were over, he watched as Alex looked around at the rest of the room. Then those soulful brown eyes he'd fallen in love with all those years ago landed on him and he forgot how to breathe. Numbly he stood as Alex left the other guys behind and headed over to him, stopping a couple feet away.

Alex's mouth went dry as he stared up into Kevin's piercing green eyes and remembered the last time they'd seen each other. That day in Boston. That kiss. It had been unbelievable. He wondered if Kevin was remembering it too.

"Hi, Kevin."

"Hi. You look…good." He answered, staring into the younger man's eyes.

There was a light in Alex's eyes that hadn't been there for such a long time. He'd seen a spark of it right after the kiss goodbye that they'd shared back in Boston. It had only lasted an instant before the clouds in his eyes had stolen it away again, but it had been there. The kiss goodbye that they'd shared almost felt palpable to him suddenly. As if it had just taken place instead of six weeks ago. He wanted to grab him and pull him into his arms…but didn't.

"I feel good. Better than I have in a very long time. Thanks to you." Alex continued to stare up at him. God he'd missed his eyes. He wanted to wrap his arms around his waist and pull him tight against him…but didn't.

That startled Kevin. "You...you don't hate me?"

Alex looked shocked. "Hate you? Kevin, you saved my life. Literally. I meant what I said that day. I was close to ending it all. You pulled me back from the edge and there's no way I can ever thank you for that enough."

His eyes teared up and his voice cracked as he spoke the last words and Kevin stared down at him, tears welling in his own eyes. Alex didn't hate him. He didn't know if he was still in love with him or not, but he didn't hate him. This time Kevin gave into the urge and pulled Alex into his arms.

Alex closed his eyes and sighed, wrapping his arms around Kevin's waist the way he'd wanted to and held him close. He couldn't believe Kevin had thought he'd hated him.

Nick watched, jealousy rolling through him. He knew he had no right, but it was still there. He watched as they just stood there hugging, neither willing to let the other go. Finally, he looked away, unable to stand it anymore. He glanced at Brian and Howie who were watching with smiles on their faces. It was obvious they just thought it was a hug between two friends making up after the hurt they'd caused each other. He didn't know how the two of them could be so blind. It was obvious it was so much more than that.

After a long moment Alex and Kevin reluctantly pulled away from each other and Alex looked up at him, confused. "Why did you think I hated you?"

Kevin shrugged. "I wouldn't blame you after what happened, after what I said to you in that hotel room."

Fire shot through Alex's body at the memory. Not over what he'd said, but over what they'd done, and almost done. He opened his mouth to say something, but just then Fatima walked in and saw him, squealing in delight.

Alex and Kevin looked at each other, startled. They'd both forgotten they weren't alone.

Alex turned to see Fatima heading toward him. "Come here girl. How've you been?"

She laughed and hugged him. "Fine. You look great! Ready to get back to the grind?"

Kevin watched as a shit-eatin' grin crept across Alex's face. "Baby, I'm always ready to grind."

Fatima pulled away and smacked him playfully. "I know that, but that's not what I meant."

Kevin sucked in a breath and turned away from them. Alex grinding. Not an image he needed in his head, or a feeling. He closed his eyes for a second trying to shut off the feeling of Alex grinding against him that morning when they'd made out in his bed. He tuned out the rest of the conversation as he headed across the room for his bottled water.

Taking a long drink, he thought about their conversation a minute ago. They'd both forgotten there was anyone else there with them. Thank God Fatima had come in when she did, or the other guys would have found out the rest of what had happened that morning, the part he hadn't told them about.

A few minutes later rehearsal began and for the next two hours, Kevin tried his damnedest to keep his eyes off Alex, but couldn't help himself. He kept getting lost in his voice when he sang and the way he moved when he danced. Shit. He felt like a love-sick teenager. Alex caught him a couple times, but if he knew why he was staring, he didn't let on. Kevin decided he was going to have to be much more careful if he didn't want Alex to find out how he felt.

He noticed something odd too. He noticed Alex and Nick sneaking glances at each other. Not best friend glances. Something different. Nick looked at Alex like he wanted to devour him and Alex looked at Nick with an extra amount of warmth and affection. They looked at each other like they shared a secret.

Kevin's gut clenched at what he suspected that secret might be. He knew from his conversations with Brian that Alex and Nick had fixed they're damaged friendship while Alex had been away and they'd gotten close again. Kevin wondered now just how close.

Alex watched Nick and Kevin all during rehearsal, but mostly Kevin, getting caught by both a few times. He couldn't help it. Thankfully neither of them made a big deal about it, just smiling at him and looking away. He didn't know what was going on between him and Nick, just knew that they were attracted to each other, obviously. As far as Kevin went though, he figured if he was going to be convincing when he had the inevitable conversation about his feelings with him later that he was going to have to be a lot more careful when he was around him.

He'd decided during his last week in rehab that he was going to tell Kevin he was over him. It was the only way. He knew Kevin was with Kristin, and the last thing he wanted was Kevin feeling awkward around him, or the whole thing having a negative effect on the group. He'd already caused enough problems for the guys. He didn't need to add any more to it.

After the rehearsal was over, they headed to the locker room. Once there, Alex cleared his throat. "Uh, guys, can I talk to you for a minute?"

They all stopped what they were doing, in varying states of undress and looked at him. One after another they said sure and sat on the benches, waiting for him to continue.

Alex fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, a nervous habit he'd had since he was a child. "Thanks. It's part of my recovery to try to make amends to all of you, but I want you to know that I'd be saying what I'm about to say even if it wasn't. I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through this last year. I fucked up big time and I know that and I'm so sorry I've caused you so much trouble. My mom told me about everything that's been going on with the fans and the press and the lawsuits since I left. You didn't deserve to have to deal with all this."

He took a deep breath and held up his hand when they started to talk. "Just let me finish, please." He looked up from the spot on the floor he'd been staring at and looked at each one of them in turn, overwhelmed by the caring looks in their eyes. He'd expected to see residual bits of anger or sadness. Instead he saw four guys who loved him very much.

He looked from face to face as he continued, his gaze lingering on both Kevin and Nick. "I can't take back all the things I've done, but I can control what I do now. I'm making a promise to all of you here and now that from this point forward, I'll put the group first and my personal life, my problems, won't interfere again."

Howie stood and hugged him. "Alex, you don't need to put your personal life or your problems on the back burner. That's not what we want. We just want you to come to one of us and talk it out when something's wrong instead of doing something destructive."

Kevin stood next. "We love you. Your life, your happiness is much more important than this group. Remember that."

Brian and Nick stood then too. Nick said, "Same goes for me, although I told you that earlier already."

Brian agreed whole-heartedly and in the next instant they were in a group hug, crying and holding each other tight.


Chapter Three
MAKING AMENDS, MENDING LOVE Contents