The next weeks were hell for AJ. After Marshall had left him at the hospital, Brian had found him in the restroom, sitting on the floor with his back to the wall, staring blankly off into space. It had taken ten minutes of coaxing to get AJ to admit what was wrong, and then Brian had pulled him close, apologizing profusely for asking him to come. AJ had told him he wasn’t mad at him, that it was better it ended now than later, but the sentiment sounded hollow, even to his own ears.

After that, Kristin, and then Brian, Nick and Howie in turn had all went in to see Kevin. Brian came out after a few minutes, his eyes red and puffy. AJ had wanted to ask him what happened in there, but he was too emotionally drained to even form the question, let alone listen to the answer.

By the time Kevin’s mom had shown up, Brian had decided it was time for him and AJ to leave, and had taken it upon himself to shepard AJ out of the waiting room and out to his car. Since Nick had given Brian a ride over, Brian took AJ’s keys from him and drove him home.

Once there, AJ hadn’t known what to do with himself. There were too many memories of Marshall everywhere and the urge to drink them all away was too strong, so an hour later he had shown up on Brian’s doorstep with an overnight bag, asking if he could stay for a few days. Brian hadn’t even hesitated, pulling him inside and shifting into mothering mode.

After weeks instead of days of being coddled and fussed over and generally smothered, AJ had realized he was about to climb the walls or say something he would really regret to his best friend, so he left. Brian had tried to get him to stay, but AJ had insisted he had overstayed his welcome.

When Brian didn’t back down, AJ told him that Howie wanted him to come visit him for a few days anyway. Brian had reluctantly let him go, and AJ had spent the next couple weeks with Howie. There had been less fussing and coddling and smothering there, but eventually AJ had gotten restless there too and decided to move on.

Nick had come to mind, but by then, due to pressure from their record label along with all the turmoil going on in the group, if there even really was still a group, Nick had been gone. He had gone out on the road with his brother Aaron, and off to studios in Europe and New York, earnestly churning out material for his solo CD.

Which left AJ all alone again. Which was not a good thing in his current frame of mind. Which was why he was currently sitting in a bar, staring at a double shot of JD, trying to find the willpower to leave.

The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on AJ. Kevin, the origin of AJ’s downward spiral was finally on his way to recovery, at AJ’s insistence. Kevin had kept his promise and was in therapy. From what Brian had told him, Kevin was making good progress. He was on medication for his depression and obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and he seemed to be coming to terms with what he’d done and why.

AJ on the other hand, was stuck in a downward spiral, with no one to blame anymore. He couldn’t blame it on what Kevin had done, because the therapy he was going to for that was helping him deal with that instead of what he had been doing, which was repressing it.

He also couldn’t blame it on Marshall, because first, he had known going in that things were going to be complicated beyond belief and the chances of them making it for the long haul were slim to none. Second, it had been over a month and a half since it had ended. Hell, they had been broken up now for almost the same amount of time as their whole relationship. He had no business still feeling sorry for himself over it. But he did.

That was what it all boiled down to. He was wallowing in self-pity, with no one to blame but himself for it. He had to find a way to get on with his life and stop wishing things were different. Had to stop wishing he would ever see the blond rapper smile at him again with those dimples of his that made his knees weak. Had to stop wanting to hear his voice on the phone every night and feel his arms around him on the occasions they could see each other in person.

AJ tensed when he heard the opening cords to Marshall’s newest single, Cleaning Out My Closet, float through the air. It figured. He couldn’t get away from the other man. With all the media attention and airplay the other man was getting, AJ figured he would have to lock himself in a room with no TV or radio in order to avoid hearing something about or from him at least once a day. When he heard Marshall’s voice fill the air as the lyrics began, he pushed away from the bar with a snort of self-disgust and stalked out, the JD untouched.

The bartender watched him go and shook his head. He knew he would be back the next night to order another drink and stare at it for an hour or so, then leave in a huff, drink untouched. He knew because that was what the young man with the tattoos and sad brown eyes had been doing every night for the last two weeks and he didn’t show any signs of stopping anytime soon.

“Bye baby, I love you.” Marshall said into the phone, his face graced with a genuine smile, a rare occurrence for him now days.

“Bye daddy, I miss you.” Hailie said on the other end of the line.

“Miss you too. I’ll be home in a couple days, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Put mommy on, okay?”

“Sure daddy.”

There was some shuffling on the other end, then Marshall heard the familiar voice of his ex-wife. “Hello?”

“Kim hey, how’s she been doing?”

“Good. Misses you, but she’s fine otherwise. We’re taking her to Cedar Springs tomorrow.”

Marshall smiled. Cedar Springs was an amusement park down by Chicago. Hailie loved going there. “She’ll love that. You’re taking security with you right?”

“Yes, Marshall. We’re taking the two hulking bodyguards you insisted on hiring for us with.” Kim said in exasperation.

“Kim, don’t start. You know I worry. There’s so many people out there who would love to get their hands on her because of me…” Marshall trailed off, unable to finish the thought, his mind shying away from all the things that could happen to his daughter if one crazy, obsessed fan were to get their hands on her.

Kim sighed over the line. “Yeah, I know. I worry too you know. I’m glad we have the guards, I just wish we didn’t need them. You know that.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Kim hated the publicity, hated the spotlight. That had been one of the reasons their relationship had fallen apart in the end...one of the many reasons in a long list neither of them chose to think about anymore. Still, over the last month or so, things had been getting steadily better between them.

After he and AJ had broken up, Marshall had flown out to Detroit and shown up on Kim’s doorstep. He wasn’t supposed to pick Hailie up until the next day, but he felt so miserable and alone that he just wanted a couple minutes with her to remind himself why he kept going day after day with the bullshit that was his life.

His eyes had reflected the misery he was in as he asked if he could see Hailie for a few minutes. For once, Kim hadn’t given him a hard time, hadn’t prodded or criticized or bitched at him for anything. She had simply studied him for a minute, then nodded, stepping aside to let him in.

While he and Hailie had hugged hello, Kim had gotten Hailie’s things ready, then came back out with the bag in hand and asked Hailie if she wanted to go with daddy a day early. To say Marshall had been shocked would have been an understatement. Still, he hadn’t been willing to ask why, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead, he had simply looked her in the eye on his way out the door with an exited Hailie and muttered a sincere thank you before turning to go.

Since then, there had been a noticeable lack of hostility between them when they talked. Sure, they had always tried to keep their problems with each other out of earshot of Hailie, but there were inevitably times when they had to talk in private on the phone about her, and in the past, the friction between them had shown through at those times.

Now though, it was almost as if they were friends. Kim had even went so far as to apologize for what she’d tried to do all those months ago with the drug set-up. Marshall was still having a hard time letting that one go, but he was trying. It wasn’t typically in his nature to forgive and forget, but he knew he should for Hailie’s sake.

“You still want us to come out next week on the road with you?” Kim asked, breaking the momentary silence that had descended over them.

Marshall shook himself free from his thoughts and concentrated on Kim’s question. He had asked Kim a couple weeks ago if she would let Hailie come on the road with him off and on so he would be able to spend time with her while his tour was in full swing. Kim had been hesitant, not liking the idea of Hailie spending a lot of time with a babysitter while Marshall did interviews and sound checks and all the other stuff involved with touring, so Marshall had asked her to come along too. That way he got to see Hailie, and didn’t have to leave her with a babysitter when he couldn’t be around. Kim had agreed.

“Definitely. Got your plane tickets already and everything. I’ll bring them by when I come to pick her up for the day on Sunday, okay?”

“Sure. Listen. I’ve got to go. It seems your daughter has decided my lipstick looks good on her lips…and chin…and cheeks…”

Marshall chuckled into the phone. “Okay. Give her a kiss for me.”

“I will.”

After he hung up the phone, Marshall leaned back in his chair and sighed, rubbing his hand across his face. He blinked at his reflection in the mirror. He looked pale and drawn and…weary. He felt weary too. The situation with Kim aside, life hadn’t been easy for him since he walked away from AJ in that hallway. He was miserable to say the least. He had to resist the urge daily to call the other man, just to hear his voice.

He still had a hard time believing it was over, but he still felt strongly about the reasons why. He had let himself get too vulnerable to the other man, had given him too much power over him, over his emotions.

When AJ had raced off to the hospital for a man he should hate, but obviously still cared about, it had hurt. Then, when he had seen them in that room together, Kevin crying and reaching out for AJ, AJ staring down at him with concern in his eyes, letting him touch him, Marshall had felt like he’d been punched in the gut.

He didn’t understand how AJ could do that, how he could be there with the man who had hit him and tried to rape him. Also, he could admit now that part of it was that as long as AJ hated Kevin, he didn’t have to worry about trusting him with him. With the two of them close together all the time on tour at some point in the future, without that hate, what would keep AJ from getting lonely, falling back into old patters with Kevin and cheating on him?

Marshall ignored the little voice in his head that told him he was being an ass. He shouldn’t be making assumptions about AJ because of what Kim had done to him. The other part told him people couldn’t be trusted, that if he gave anyone enough trust, he would eventually end up being the one hung with it at the end of the day.

He pushed away from his dressing table in with a frown. He had to stop thinking about it all the time. He had to move on. It had been long enough now, he was sure AJ had, so why couldn’t he?

Just then, Harry popped his head into his room. “About ready? The sound tech’s looking for your skinny ass.”

Marshall nodded and stood. “Yeah. Was just talking to Hailie.”

Harry smiled. “How’s your little girl?”

Marshall smiled sadly. “Good. I miss her.”

Harry patted his shoulder as Marshall walked by. “You’ll see her in a couple days, right?”

Marshall nodded. “Yeah, I will.”

Harry watched as Marshall stepped through the doorway and headed down the hall, head down, shoulders slumped. The smile he had plastered on for Marshall’s benefit dropped from his face. He could tell the other man was depressed, and from what little he had been able to get out of him, it had to do with AJ. They had apparently had a fight and had broken up.

Harry’s knee-jerk response was to hate AJ the way he hated Kim for hurting Marshall, but something told him this was different. He hadn’t gotten an I’m-out-to-hurt-him vibe off AJ the few times he’d seen him, not the way he had from Kim toward the end. AJ wasn’t his favorite person, but he had to admit, it was obvious the man had deep feelings for Marshall.

Which left the question, what had happened between them? Harry wished he knew. Wished even more that he could fix it, because as much as he would like a chance with Marshall himself, he knew the other man’s heart belonged to AJ, and that didn’t look like it was going to change anytime soon.

When AJ got home, it was to find Brian’s car in his driveway. He cursed under his breath. He loved the man like a brother, but sometimes Brian could smother him to death. True, he hadn’t seen him in a few days, but he was still recovering from the weeks spent at his house.

Parking his car, he got out and headed in the house to find Brian camped out on his couch with a bowl of popcorn in his lap and the remote in his hand. He couldn’t help the little hint of a smile that touched his lips at the sight.

“Hi Rok, make yourself at home.”

Brian smiled one of his innocent smiles up at him and said, “Thanks Aje, I think I will.”

AJ rolled his eyes and plopped down on the couch next to Brian. Reaching over, he grabbed a hand full of popcorn and glanced at the TV asking, “What are we watching?”

“One of the Lethal Weapon movies. I forget which one.” Brian mumbled, eyes riveted as one of the action sequences began to unfold.

AJ sighed, popped some popcorn in his mouth and settled back for the duration of the movie.

An hour later, they were arguing over whether they had seen the movie before together or not. AJ was insisting they had, in some hotel room somewhere, Brian was saying they hadn’t, that it was one of the others in the series that they had seen together.

Finally a scene came on that jogged AJ’s memory. It was Mel with his love interest in the movie, and suddenly a comment from the person he had watched the movie with popped in his head.

“You know they were fucking banging away like two rabbits in heat offset right? That look on his face says, ‘Bitch, after we’re through here, I wanna see you on your knees with my cock in your mouth.’”

AJ laughed, spewing half-eaten popcorn all over the hotel room floor. Marshall chuckled at him and banged his hand on his back a few times until AJ quit choking and started breathing again. “Fuck Marshall, warn me next time.”

“I did! Told you I get bored watching these movies.”

“And that’s a warning how?”

“Well, damn, you should have expected me to do a running commentary to keep myself from the horrors of boredom.” Marshall said, innocent, dimpled grin firmly in place.

AJ just shook his head and smiled back at him, unable to argue with that logic. Not that he wanted to right then anyway. He licked his lips, setting his popcorn down on the floor and deciding he’d rather kiss that smile instead.

Leaning in, he whispered a second before his lips met Marshall’s, “I know of a better way to keep you from being bored.”

A long, breathless moment later, Marshall reached over, clicked the TV off, then pushed AJ back on the couch. “Fuck yeah. Definitely not bored now.”

AJ moaned as Marshall leaned down and latched on to the side of his neck…

“A-J. Earth to A-J.” Brian sing-songed.

AJ blinked, brought back to the present. His lonely, miserable present. He got up and walked over to his sliding glass doors, staring out at his back yard.

Brian watched him in confusion, before getting up and following him over, standing side by side with him, staring out into the night. “Something interesting out there?”

AJ didn’t answer for a minute, then said, “I finally remember where I saw that movie…or rather, with who.”

Brian didn’t need him to elaborate. “Oh. Sorry.”

AJ shrugged. “Don’t be. It’s not like you knew.”

Brian sighed and they stood there in silence for a few more minutes. “Aje, I’m worried about you. You’ve been stuck in this depression for a while now.”

“What do you want me to say? Not much I can do about it.” AJ responded flatly.

“You could tell me you’re going to be all right, that you aren’t going to do something stupid because of it.”

AJ was silent for a moment, then he turned and looked over at Brian, his eyes glistening. “If I did, I’d be lying.”

Brian’s blue eyes stared back into AJ’s, sympathy for what he was going through reflected in their depths. “That’s what I was afraid of.”

AJ turned back, blinking away tears, cursing himself for being so weak. “I don’t know what I’m going to do Rok. I loved him…love him. I just can’t seem to get past it.”

Brian was at a loss for what to say. He wished he could take all of his friend’s pain away, but he knew he couldn’t. Instead, he reached out and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, holding him to his side as they continued to silently stare out into the darkness.


Chapter Forty-Six
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