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Humorous Quotes

"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." - Voltaire

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." - Mae West

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln

"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done." - Carl Friedrich Gauss, when informed that his wife is dying

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." - Abraham Lincoln

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up." - Barbara Bush

"If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster." - Clint Eastwood

"Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves." - Ambrose Bierce

"If you think that something small cannot make a difference- try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room." - Unknown

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead." - The Warner Brothers (Animaniacs)

"I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it." - Unknown

"I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter." - Unknown

"I'm so poor I can't even pay attention." - Unknown

"You're never too old to do goofy stuff." - Ward Cleaver

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