My Thoughts on Forgiveness
by tina
All of the people that hear that I have forgiven the driver that caused the accident and therefore took Rebecca and Misty from our lives,
Tell me that I am so strong.
Claim that they could never do it.
Ask how on earth I could forgive someone who took such a precious part of life; shattering our family.
Claim that I am a Bigger Christian than them.
Simply do not understand.
Here I can explain by sharing my views with you.
The way I see it, I have no choice. God extends it to us and commands us to extend it to others.
Anger and hatred will eat a person up from the inside causing depression that could result in serious illnesses and eventually could lead to suicide.
If I continued seeing only the injustice that has been done to our family; How could I ever learn to heal?
Our minds are very powerful but when you exert all you energy being angry you have no room for Joy or Inner Peace; they cannot share the mind with fear and anger.
I have two wonderful men, Max and Alex, in my life and they need me to show them God's way of forgiveness. They need me here mentally as well as physically.
And finally, I got tired of being angry.
I did not make all this up in one day or decide to forgive her immediately after the accident. I experienced the "normal" anger stage in Grief, I am human and it is uncontrollable. I was not only angry at the other driver for speeding, destroying my life and not even getting a scratch. But I was mad at God for allowing it! It was the months and now a year that followed, when I began to read and learn about "true" forgiveness. I questioned myself as to "How could I forgive her?" I would argue with God, telling him, " I am sorry, but no way will I ever forgive her until justice is done; and then, maybe" Eventually, court date after court date (8 to be exact) went by and I had not testified yet. Due to the fact that the court ran out of time, my translator didn't show up, illnesses, unprepared attorneys the list went on and on.
Today it has been 1 year and 3 months exactly and we are suppose to be in court in the morning. The driver has not spent one day in jail, no bond was issued, since we never got through a preliminary hearing to even charge her with their deaths. Each of the 8 times I had to go to court, I would be a basket case for a week leading up. Worried about what I had to re-live. I could not attend the therapy I needed due to the fact it is designed to help me "file" the accident so that it has less emotional impact on my everyday / every hour life. For a year I had to see it over and over like static running behind my sight. Each day of court I would get to know the other driver more but, never have testified.
(Read my testimony called "Lo I am with you Always" it was written after the 8th court date.)
After speaking with a friend who also lost her daughter in an accident, I have decided to drop the case. My friend relayed to me the long hours spent in the court room listening to excesses. With each horrible testimony she heard from witnesses, her heart would break for her child. The verdict was that the young girl driving drunk, who was my friend's daughter's friend, was not guilty. My friend thought she would be OK with what ever the justice department decided. This was not true, she told me, "there is no good verdict for a bereaved parent". As I thought about this, I realized how true it is!
I the suspect is found guilty and does jail time; After such jail time that person could believe " I've paid my debt, all is OK" ;
It would still not bring the loved one back.
If the suspect is found not guilty; After which they tell themselves, "the court found me not guilty, I must not be"
It would still not bring the loved one back.
If there is no court , Then they live their life remembering their actions that caused you pain. After which you forgave them.
It would still not bring the loved one back, but maybe they will extend the forgiveness from you to another person. It takes a drop of water to create a ripple the size of a lake.
God is the only Just Judge, we need to leave it to Him.
The best Quote I can find to explain my belief comes from "The Anatomy of the Spirit" by Caroline Myss, PH.D.
"Forgiveness is not the same as telling the person who harmed you, "It's OK," which is more or less the way most people view it. Rather, forgiveness is a complex act of consciousness, one that liberates the psyche and soul from the need for personal vengeance and the perception of oneself as a victim. More than releasing from blame the people who caused our wounds, forgiveness means releasing the control that the perception of victim hood has over our psyches. The liberation that forgiveness generates comes in the transition to a higher state of consciousness. In fact, the consequences of a genuine act of forgiveness borders on the miraculous."
It goes on to say that we need to live in the present time; therefore, if you need to contact anyone for closure discussion make sure that you are not carrying the message of blame as a private agenda. I wrote the driver a note and asked her to take care of the roadside cross that honors Becca and Misty. Then in writing expressed my forgiveness to her.
Now, I am still working on realizing that I cannot change the past therefore, I need to honestly start to build a new chapter of life . So that I can teach Max and Alex as well as all who will listen to my messages.
The answer, first I did it for her, because I thought it was, "the right thing to do"
The consequences, however benefits myself and my family's well being!
