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Thursday, September 28, 2000

I have prayed to God for him to bring me peace and his love the last few days. I have also asked him to guide me to a better way of life. I remember as a child, that feeling of great freedom....of possibilities. It didn't mean that by pursuing it that it would harm others, it meant it was a gift I had been given as part of life.

I have through out my life constantly strived to make sure that others are taken care of. Making sure that they are happy in all ways. Not only that they are happy, but that somehow I have given them the permission to pull my happiness out of me to take and enjoy themselves. The ultimate sacrifice for me to give to them.

But in doing so, I also put conditions on the happiness. In doing so, I had the right to structure their lives to bring me my happiness. That gave me the confidence that I lacked.

There were two results from those actions I took. The first being, some of the people became codependent upon So the circle continued.

The second was, the person would not accept my behavior, and continued to live their lives to suit themselves. That threatened me greatly, so I would either completely abandon them, or beg and cry and tear myself completely down, and become dependent upon what ever crumbs they decided to throw my way.

As life went on through many years, the pendulum would swing higher and higher between the two. I became two different people that I didn’t like very much at all. Not to mention that no one else really liked very much either.

I always knew that inside of me lived this gentle, loving , kind person, why was it When would I ever find the people and relationships that would see the real me, and life would be happy ever after? My life has spiraled ever downward to this point.

Back to the point of surrender to the only solution that there truly is. God’s loving arms. Now, I am asking God once again to show me how to live my life in a better way. To give me peace and hope. A gift that God promises. A gift that is always there and constant.

The problem is that we stumble right over it in our own confusion. Our confusion comes from “trying to run our own lives”. It never fails that when I do that , I fail miserably. I not only fail myself, but others. I create confusion within my life that blinds me to, God’s gift of Peace and Contentment. I have convinced myself that I cannot enjoy that gift, hence, my life has constantly been with barriers. That is not God's way.

We inflict our own barriers, then wonder why God is punishing us. In the last couple of days, this freedom of spirit has been upon me. The same as when I was a child. It has given me peace, and most of all hope.

Can you remember when you were a child? The feeling of complete freedom, of abandonment. You had no fears because your parents took care of all of your needs. You were free to develop, free to grow. To be happy to feel Joy! That very feeling, that very gift is not suppose to stop when we grow up. It is time then to turn our dependence upon God. Just as we did our own father or mother.

In doing that , in trusting him completely with our needs, we are free to grow, to expand our lives, to enjoy the gift of life that has been given us. In following others, it takes away from that freedom that God has given. Not by His choice, but by my own choice.

Being codependent upon others, is confining myself to their restrictions, and their hopes an wishes for themselves, not my own. If the people in my life truly love me and honor me, and I in return honor them, I will find “joy” in my real self. In that child that I truly am.

I feel that God has shown me the way to Joy. Now I must make the journey, but only with his ever loving guidance. I must keep my heart open to his teaching. Only be dependent upon him. In so doing, good things will be opened up to me, and I will have the freedom of heart and mind to enjoy and take “love” in them.

My very good friends, we have traveled the same path, we have felt the same pain, in the name of serving others. In so we have harmed ourselves, and others. Now is the time for us to feel real Joy. A gift from God. In so doing, we will be truly teaching and serving others by example. The greatest teacher of all. In so doing, we will find JOY....

I know that if I am to go on in my life with hope and joy, I must follow my heart, and feel the gentleness and freedom I felt as a child.