Who cares about paranoia? As of late, not me. The journals seemed like a good idea to take up again, seeing as rambling on about nothing is not only something I'm good at, but having almost completely lost touch with all of the sailors I count this as my fault.
Work now almost fully rules my life. My day consists of working and sleeping and nothing else in between. Anything I used to be involved in or do in my spare time has deteriorated due to the fact I have no spare time anymore, I don't know what the word means. It's weird enough even typing with capital letters again, I haven't touched a keyboard for so long.
Thank God for the backspace key.
Reading Trish's journals made me relive last year when my grandad died. I feel exactly what you're going through Trishie, and I'm thinking of you because it's a hard thing to get over, if ever.
The worst feeling though is not something that's happened out of your control, but things that eventuate because of yourself. Since I started my job so many things have turned around back on me, I never get anything done on time [unless it has to do with work], things are behind and the list of things to do pile up each week without ever decreasing. I do care about my friends, my relatives, my family, that care hasn't lessened at all, but time has and it's impossible to keep up. Almost everyone in my distant family is upset with me because I don't manage to reply to things they've sent, and believe me I'm competely grateful for everything but I can't do it. I'm stressed most of the time and apart from that I'm asleep. Everyone I work with seems to handle it so much easier, and it's important that I don't let on that I'm not coping, because in the back of my mind I still think I am. I work up to 12 hours a day and finish between midnight and 3am every morning. I go home, sleep like a rock and do it all again. Sydney Tower's a la carte restaurant serves up to 400 people a night and it's our small amount of people who are solely responsible for the preparation of meals for every one of them.
My mother calls me at work right in the split second the night is at it's busiest, to tell me my grandmother is upset and angry with me. It's all I need to make my night hell, and orders are piling up and customers need to be fed and I'm thinking about family things. Even now it's hard to stay awake, the two days I have off are spent sleeping or trying to actually eat something healthy...I used to be the biggest health freak, and I was happy that way, now anything palletable is good enough depending on how much time I have to actually eat it.
My morals have changed, too, I think nothing of excessively drinking alcohol and it seems a good way to get away from stress, and my life revolves around work friends instead of my oldest and best friends in the world, people who are older than me, hardened city people who besides being a huge amount of fun to go places with are outrageous and even though it fits my personaltiy to the tee I need my old friends subtlety to calm me down. Since turning 18 and being actually legally allowed to enter pubs [although the feeling of illegality was appealing when I was 17] nightclubbing is nothing out of the ordinary and neither is crashing at work friends places for nights in a row.
Half the people I know say at this point in my life I should be doing all this, and the other half are worried about my safety and try to talk me out of it. The rest of them have no idea.
I guess at the moment I'm having fun and there isn't anything wrong with that, but the change is enourmous and I need a second sane unbiased opinion to set me straight. But then who knows what I need? I don't.
Anthony's latest joke, one he's very proud of and I'm still deciding whether to take offence or admit to it being funny - "You know, I prevented a rape the other day. I changed my mind."
places you should visit
