Unrefined Thoughts.
Well folks...I've decided to add this page on here...just a simple little page full of some of my thoughts as I get them, straight from my mind to the keyboard. And please, sign my guestbook here on this page and let meknow what you think, the guestbook here is for comments on these comments alone...so...here goes...
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September 22, 1999, Part 1.
Today I've been thinking about myself quite a bit, but not in the egotistical manner. I've been analyzing myself, which is something I don't do all too often. Sometimes, I tend to believe I don't do it often enough, for if I did, I would be a better person today. I wonder, quite regularly, if I annoy people too much. After thinking it over, I have realized that people are occasionally asking me why I'm so loud and obnoxious. Typically, I answer with some remark that ends the conversation with unfinished business. Then I sit back and think to myself..."Why do people misinterpret my being outgoing as obnoxiousness and rowdiness...?" All this time, I've thought that they were they ones with the misconception...but yet, maybe it was me. Maybe I didn't know what I was like to the outside world. To myself, I was outgoing, I was friendly, I was sincere, funny, and easy to talk to. To others, I may have appeared rude, as if I was covering something up, I appeared loud, boisterous, and ill-mannered, as if I didn't care about anything. You see, I don't have a high self-esteem, at all...and so I thought that my personality could make up for it...but now, maybe I should sit back and think...who would I rather have like me: myself...or everyone else...?
September 22, 1999, Part 2.
Well...I'm back. I've read my previous entry a few times and that last statement I made bothers me a bit. See, I'm just typing and not bothering with the delete button, whatever I type is what my mind thinks of at the moment. I don't know why that last statement bothers me, but I think it's because I don't know if I know whether or not I like myself. And then that brings up the idea of the old cliche...'You can't love anyone else until you love yourself'. I find that untrue. I think you could love anybody without loving yourself first. I think it would actually help you in the long run. This is how I view it...I know in my lifetime, I have often acted in a way that does not represent the mood I am in. For instance, to quote a character on Ally McBeal, it's easy to be happy...you appear happy, everyone sees you as being happy, and you see yourself through their eyes. Basing my theory on that quote, if you truly love somebody and that person loves you in return, they will see what you are really like...they will see what you're feeling, what your thoughts are, they will see everything. So...eventually, if your facade is uncovered and dissipated by the one you love, you see yourself through that persons' eyes and have the ability to try to change yourself or get help, whatever need be. Which brings me to something else, people that I talk to when I am depressed often tell me to be myself, be who I am...And there are those people who say you can't change who you are. I find that quite untrue as well. If you don't like who you are, you are the only person who CAN change yourself, your attitude, your views. You can change yourself, it's just a matter of knowing when and how...
September 23, 1999.
Today, I was planning on adding something uplifting and genuinely unarguable, but then I entered a chatroom. Now see, I'm just about a regular in quite a few chatrooms, though I don't go in so often that I shun a real personal life; it's merely a source of entertainment and yes, at times, a source of something more. Today was different, I noticed something today. I've realized that society is pathetic. The people who enter chatrooms are what society is comprised of, and to say they are lonely individuals or to state that they go into chatrooms because they have nothing better to do is extremely stereotypical, for I know first-hand...I go into chatrooms, and I am not lonely when it comes to friends, and I do have better things to do. So these people are what's out there. It seriously scared me. I saw how shallow we are. None of them were timid or shy, and while I was in there, I had posted that I was looking for a nice, dignified, innocent chat, with anyone. Not a response. In every profile, they seemed as if they were trying to sell themselves to the highest bidder...the highest bidder being the best-looking person they could find that wasn't already taken. Words such as beautiful, horny, hot, sexy, and many other perverse phrases would pop out from these profiles, the links to pictures swallowed up by the almost blinding flashing lights reading, "Click here, Click here!!!" Many of them were openly stating how much they needed sex, and it didn't matter with whom. It's pathetic. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, I really don't care if you take offense to this, for you don't care if people who are looking for an innocent chat are taking offense to your rude and adulterated comments. But then I realize I am in the minority here, along with so many of my other feelings. This is society, and I am a single person. I cannot change what is happened, but I sure as hell am not going to conform. And to those of you who think of this entry as nothing, those of you who are thinking how pathetically loser-like I am, I dare you...I dare you to go in there, conduct an innocent chat, talk about stupid things, like the weather, music, sports, cars, Canada, whatever...and look around. Tell me you aren't either sickened or surprised, for I am flummoxed.
September 24, 1999.
For today, a different entry...no complaining...I promise. ;) Isn't it wonderful how some things just work out to your advantage?? I mean...for weeks, maybe even months on end, you have nothing but a string of bad luck, and it seems as if it will never end. Yet, through my own experiences lately, there is always something that happens that just makes all that bad luck, all those bad experiences just dissipate. What baffles me is...why do these good happenings always occur when you think everything is surely going to come an end? I mean, at least for myself, I get one bad experience after another, and surely it won't end...and then when I'm absolutely certain that life isn't worth living afterall, I go into this spin mode and everything turns around. Everything suddenly looks different, I can walk to class without a million things running through my mind, I can concentrate on things I hadn't been able to concentrate on forever, and I instantly become truly happy again. Once again, I don't have to just appear happy for everyone else, for I truly have rejuvinated my happiness, and it wonders me how that could happen with just one occurrance. I apologize if I am being entirely too vague here, but then again, this is no journal or diary in which I keep my everyday happenings logged, just a place to put my thoughts. And right now, for a change, I do not feel like analyzing society, complaining about the way poeple treat others, I'm not worrying about what people think of me, for at this moment, I simply don't care...I am me.
September 27, 1999.
Wow...I'm in trouble. I hate it when something happens, and you want it to happen, yet you know it shouldn't happen. First sentence finished...all who are confused, don't bother reading on. ;) Anyway...this weekend has definitely been interesting. I had a lot of fun, learned a lot of things, and truly enjoyed myself. The only problem is...I don't know. I mean, things happen, things that definitely shouldn't happen, yet I allow them to. I dig myself into this deep, unfathomable hole and I can't ever get out unless somebody gets hurt. I hate doing that. I hate going through life hurting people; I would much rather suffer myself, as unhealthy as it may be. I have feelings, and that is why I'm currently in trouble. I have feelings, but feelings I shouldn't be harbouring. These are the feelings that get me into such trouble and now I'm stuck. Argh...wrong word. I really didn't mean to say stuck, but right now it's the only word I can think of. I enjoy where I am at the moment, I honestly do, but there are other feelings playing a role in what I am doing and where I stand with certain people at this moment. Some feelings are telling me to get out of what I've caused and started, for there is another viewpoint and possibility in life, but the other feelings tell me what I'm doing now is completely and undeniably correct. I truly wish I knew what to do, for if I did, it would make life so much easier, but I suppose this is what life is all about and this is what we learn from, eh?
September 30, 1999.
It's no secret that I'm big on feelings...blah blah blah. Feelings definitely play a major role in life...they help you choose your friends, confidants, and even life partners; I know all of this...what I hadn't realized was how much we tend to ignore our feelings. Our own feelings, the feelings that we live and die by...are the feelings we constantly ignore and attempt to alter. Just recently, I've realized this, due to a sudden burst of feelings I recently had. I knew they were there, I knew what I felt, I just hadn't admitted it...to anyone, including myself. I know this entry is short today, but I offer every one of you who are reading this today a challenge: Look deep inside your soul, find your feelings, and let them be known...to yourself, to the people the include, to everyone. Don't hide from your feelings, just let them come out. I dare you.
