Site hosted by Build your free website today!
angry commuters strong!

Disclaimer: call it satire, call it political expression, call it for entertainment purposes only. It's all a joke, isn't it? We all know that someone somewhere would love to bust me for this, we all know that they won't find me, and we all know that before this site gets taken down it will be mirrored by a dozen or so people with plausible deniability.

Send all threats and feedback

Original site:

Why parking Nazis?

Imagine this scenario: you live from hand to mouth. You need your car to commute to work. However, at work there is not enough parking. You try to rotate your car to comply with the alternate side of the street limited parking mumbo jumbo, and inevitably you slip up now and then. Each slip-up costs you $20 that you can't afford. However, you'd better afford them because otherwise your car, the means of access to your livelihood will get towed, and then you'll be assessed fines you can afford even less. There is no recourse, no waiver due to hardship, no extension. Pay up or lose your car and therefore your job. Who exactly benefits from this? In what way is the local government making the community better through parking fines?

What, is this supposed to reduce pollution or traffic? Bullshit. It's not as if most people have a choice of whether or not to commute... or whether or not to park. "I've learned my lesson, officer-- from now on I'll fold my car up neatly and put it in my pocket instead of leaving it sitting around on the street like that". It's a good thing that parking regulations don't reduce traffic and pollution, because if they did, it would be by causing unemployment as in the above extreme example.

Tempting as it is to believe that governments everywhere are trying to force us to become their wards, either as inmates or as welfare recipients, I think the motive is much simpler. PARKING FINES ARE A CYNICAL, WEASLY WAY TO SINGLE OUT PEOPLE WHO AREN'T FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO LIVE WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF THEIR JOBS FOR A FORM OF TAXATION. They know we'll pay, they'll squeeze us for all we're worth, and the politicians responsible for these decisions often aren't even accountable to the people affected by these decisions because those people live and vote in a different neighborhood.

Homeless shelters and libraries are fine and peachy, by why should you pay for them in *another* neighborhood? You already contribute to that neighborhood's economy and tax base indirectly (through your employer) and directly (as a consumer-- how often do you go an entire day without buying something near your job?).

If you know how to read, you already know about the Fed's ongoing attack on your Constitutional rights... but the problem begins closer to home. Right where you live and work, every day, you are being subjected to taxation without representation. Every day your wallet is being riffled through. What are you going to do about it? I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight, and I'm going to fight dirty.

Oh, and I have no sympathy for the parking Nazis who do the footwork for the petty bureaucrats running our cities. I have the utmost respect for cops, who put their lives on the line to protect us from crime. No matter what kind of cheesy girl-scout uniforms the parking Nazis wear, THEY ARE NOT COPS. They never made the cut, and they never will. Parking Nazis are parasites preying on people with real jobs. They know it, and they just don't care. In my book, that makes them fair game for anything you can do without getting caught. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Ways to fuck with parking Nazis:

  1. Put pepper spray or mace on your windshield, especially the wipers. That stuff is oil based, and won't be washed away by a casual rainstorm, though you might have to reapply it if you use wiper fluid.
  2. Collect envelopes from your parking tickets, and make color xerox copies of a fake parking ticket. Put one on everybody's car. Enjoy the fun as hundreds of pissed off citizens go to the precinct to ask "WTF?"
  3. Organize an email list for people in your area, and tell everyone to send email to it whenever they see parking-Nazi activity nearby, with the location and type of activity (chalking, ticketign, towing)
  4. Shoot them or run them over. Decapitate the corpses. Hang heads from parking signs as a warning to other parking Nazis. Illegal, but who the hell is going to report you?
  5. In some locales, the parking Nazis put chalk-marks on people's tires to check how long their car has been standing there. So, bring a wet rag and wipe yours off. While you're at it, wipe off everyone else's. This simple act of kindness will save a lot of honest working stiffs like yourself a lot of money, and it will really piss off your local parking Nazi because in a few minutes you will have wasted hours of her or his work. Now they'll know how it feels.
  6. You giveth, and you taketh away. Buy a box of colored chalk. When you see marks on one car's tires, match the chalk color and put the same marks on everybody's tires!
  7. The kind of white/black trash that works these jobs is ignorant and superstitious. Play on that. Create a crisis of faith by hanging a cross off your rear-view mirror, and maybe a Bible on the dashboard. Or, inspire apprehension by hanging up a shrunken voodoo head and a sign reading: "Disease on the homes of those who do me harm." Be creative, have fun. You'll still get tons of tickets, but at least you'll have the satisfaction of contributing to the stress level of some trailer-bitch just like she or he is contributing to yours.
  8. Remove your wipers. You'll still get tickets, but they'll have to work harder.
  9. If you can get your mitts on a parking permit (someone else's preferrably) you're golden! Make as many color xerox copies of it as you can, and leave a box of them for the taking at work!
  10. Whenever you see a parking Nazi, be polite, say good morning, start chatting about last night's game, whatever. This will waste their time, frustrate them, and make them wonder what the hell you're up to. It's important to be *polite*-- they're used to rude angry people, and belligerence gives them a reason to blow you off or threaten to call for backup. However, if you're nice, it's harder to abruptly end a conversation without your consent. They might even start mistaking you for a buddy.
  11. ...but, don't count on it. They'll most likely stop talking to you. That's when you should start carrying a camera and taking photos of your new parking Nazi friend. Put 'em on a web page. Heck, mail them to me!
  12. Vote Libertarian for every local seat. In the unlikely event that any of these yahoos get elected, they'll probably be sympathetic to your cause. As a side benefit, they'll also be sympathetic to getting rid of sales taxes, zoning laws, and other crap foisted upon local communities by officious, pissy, busy-body senior citizens with way too much spare time on their hands.
  13. Write letters to the non-Libertarian mayor and city council that will get elected despite your efforts. Take the time to be polite, well-organized, and informed when you appeal for lower parking fines and more lenient parking regulations. Have several people proof-read your letter before sending it out. Your 'leaders' will then proceed to ignore your letter, because compared to the officious, pissy, busy-body senior citizen constituency your opinion means precisely Jack. Still, you've at least tried to follow the channels.
  14. When it's time to pay those parking tickets you've racked up, go to your bank, withdraw the amount in quarters, and pay up. Next time, use dimes... or nickles. One time the clerk at the precinct actually didn't have time to count the hefty canvas bag of currency I dumped on her desk, so she asked for my name and phone number in case the amount later turned out to be wrong. I made sure it was, by overpaying it slightly.
  15. On a dark, dark night, walk around and put epoxy in the coin slots of every parking meter you can safely get to. Or, quicker yet, spray-paint the displays on the meters. Use spray paint to obscure those annoying "One hour parking from 6am to 6pm on days that end with 'Y'" signs. True story: years ago a friend of mine got together with some fellow freedom-fighters and hacksawed off EVERY LAST PARKING METER in a parking lot known for its draconian enforcement. They piled up the severed meters in the middle of the lot and wrote an anonymous letter to the local newspaper, which published it. IT WORKED! Soon after, there time limit on parking was increased.
  16. Community television often has 'open-mike' style shows. Go and speak out. This will fall on deaf ears, because the only people who watch that crap are officious, pissy, busy-body senior citizens. You never know, though-- some of them might get so worked up they'll die of strokes.
  17. Start an anonymous web page about how to fuck with parking Nazis.
  18. Mirror a web page about how to fuck with parking Nazis.
  19. If you're rich and crazy, this one's for you. Buy a junker car, see if you can get one for $100 or less. It doesn't even have to run if your real vehicle is equipped with a hitch, but it needs to look like it's a usable car. "Park" your hotrod someplace, and move it every few days or so, insuring that it racks up the maximum number of parking tickets possible before the parking Nazis finally tow it. Then... let 'em keep it! It will waste space rotting in some municipal impound lot while they waste time trying to auction the damn thing off!
  20. For bonus points, monkey around with the junker's transmission so the wheels lock up, forcing them to use a flat-bed truck to tow it. Even more bonus points: make sure your junker is something nice and big-- Suburban, full-sized van, front half of a tractor-trailer, Sherman tank... you get the idea.
  21. Save a tree, recycle! Why not use a parking ticket instead of that last piece of toilet paper? Just make sure you're holding the clean end when you come to the precinct to pay up. Better yet, send it in by mail, but make sure the brown skid-marks aren't too obvious.
  22. Gather as much information about the tactics and procedures of your local parking Nazis, and put it up on a web page, or send it here. We also welcome links to other sites targetting parking Nazis. Anything parking related.