picture it: grocery store-orlando, fl.-1999 AJ Mclean and his friend Howie Dorough are in the produce section of a grocery store:
AJ: gee Howie, i don't know. i mean, i know you like raspberries but, God man... i think thats enough.
Howie: no! no! that will never be enough! grrr!
AJ: (walks closer to Howie) cut it out, man... people are staring.
Howie: grrr! don't eat my raspberries!!!
AJ: chill How'... chill... i ain't eatin no raspberries... just chill.
Howie: (talking to raspberries) ohhh i love you... all of you... i will take good care of you all... i won't let that mean man over there hurt you (scowls at AJ) we might as well call him AJ McMean!!!!
AJ: (rolls eyes) i will not hurt them... i respect them.
Howie: oh do you?! (he says sarcastically)
AJ: yes.. now lets get going... we have to buy everything on the grocery list or Kevin's gormet dinner will be ruined and he'll have a hissy fit.
Howie: Like last week?
AJ: yes, like last week. now c'mon.
(two men walk to the balk food section)
AJ: Howie... Howie! Quit talkin' to the damn fruit!!! (howie looks up) see that girl over there? (points to a brunette)
Howie: yeah... she's scary
AJ: shhhhh... she's comin' over here
Girl: what up yo? my homies call me Kristin. I am wack!
AJ: oh, thats nice
Kristin: what are you 2 homeboys doin'?
Howie: (whispers to AJ) she wants my raspberries
AJ: (whispers back without taking his eyes off Kristin) don't worry... i'll get rid of her... she's creepy
Howie: Yeah, what's up with that weird talking?
AJ: shut up!!! you didn't whisper that!!! she heard you! she is 2 feet away from us! she can hear me saying this!!!
Kristin: wack yo
AJ: huh? what?
Kristin: you are one wack daddy
AJ: well, we have to be going, nice meeting you.
Kristin: bye yo wack homeboy chillin' peep!
AJ: ummm...yeah
(AJ and Howie walk to the dairy section)
AJ:ok...next on the list... dairy creamer with vanilla extract...geez... can't Kevin just cook cheeseburgers?
Howie: then it wouldn't be gormet
AJ: he could serve it with raspberries
Howie: ooo! that would make it gormet!!!
AJ: (laughs) man Howie, i think i'm shopping with Nick from now on
Howie: he scares me... i wake up in the middle of the night and he's standing over my bed
AJ: (puzzled) but... he doesn't live with you
Howie: i know! isn't that scary?!
AJ: i think it's just a dream Howie
Howie: no see, AJ, he pinches my face and i can feel it, oh yes i can!
AJ: by any chance does he do that on the nights that you have ate those raspberries that grow in your backyard?
Howie: oh yes
AJ: i told you! those are poisonous! you can't eat those!
Howie: oh but Alexander... they are so yummy in my tummy!
(a women looks at the 2 of them funny)
AJ: (grabs Howie's arm) quit it... people are gonna think your gay... let's hurry up...(reads list) what is creme de le bouche de lous?
Howie: butter
AJ: you sure?
Howie: just get it... Kevin doesn't know what it is either... he just wants us to think he does
AJ: ok. (grabs butter) now... we need...
Howie: raspberries?!
AJ: no! none of them... i think the 11 pounds you have is plenty.... we need... damnit!
Howie: what?
AJ: the next thing on the list is butter!
Howie: so just buy another stick
AJ: (moans) fine... you know... Kevin shouldn't make us shop for this crap if we don't even know what it is
Howie: i like Kevin.... he's goofy
AJ: Are you eatin those raspberries?
Howie: yes
AJ: you haven't washed them yet... the chemicals are makin you weird, man
Howie: i washed them
AJ: Howie... washing them in your mouth doesn't count
Howie: oh, ok i'll stop. what do we need now?
AJ: ummm... trix
Howie: trix?
AJ: thats what it says
Howie: (talking to raspberry) poor little raspberry... trix are for Howie's!!!
AJ: God man! quit embarrassing me! t'm not takin you hear again, i'll bring Brian
Howie: you mean the Bri-guy?
AJ: um, yeah
Howie: (giggles) he's handsome
AJ: ok... get in the car!
Howie: what did i do?
AJ: you're scarin me man... get in the car
Howie: i'll stop, i promise
(man walks by with a cart of fresh bread)
Howie: ohhhh! i see cornbread!!! (runs after cart)
AJ: geez... that guy is too much... ok.. now i need... pink raisins... pink? what the hell...?
Kevin: i don't believe you!
AJ: (jumps) what are you doin hear?!
Kevin: (puts hands on his hips) well i forgot to tell you to buy some moisturizer for my precious little feet, so i came to pick some up because i see you can't do the job!
AJ: well man... you have to buy this stuff yourself... i don't know what it is
Kevin: oh AJ.. everyone knows what pink raisin's are! my goodness!
AJ: (to himself) thats it... i gotta go solo.
Kevin: what did you say?
AJ: uhhh.... nothin'
Kevin: listen girlfriend! If you're gonna give me sass you won't be allowedat my gormet dinner parties!
AJ: ok... ok... i'm sorry
Kevin: wel, thats more like it. now be a lamb and go pick me up some peaches
AJ: ok... i'll be right back
Kevin: no, first find Howard... he's bound to make a mess if he's around cornbread and you know what we say to messes!
AJ: yeah, i know what we say
Kevin: well... say it then!
AJ: "Messes, messes, go away. Come back on Kevin's vacation day"
Kevin: that sounds so nice! ok dear... now go fetch Howard
AJ: ya know... Kev'... me and the guys call him Howie now
Kevin: Howie? but that sounds so... so...
AJ: cool?
Kevin: yes! thats the word! ok, fine... Howie it is...but i still refuse to call you Bone!
AJ: don't worry about it
(AJ leaves to search for Howie- finds him laying on the floor by the deli section)
AJ: Howie! i don't believe you!
Howie: i know! i'm sorry!
AJ: you have cornbread all over the floor! did you even pay for it yet?!
Howie: oh of course... but you're right... i did make a mess
Store Clerk: don't worry sir. i called for a clean-up on your little boy
AJ: ummmm... no, he's my friend.
Store clerk: oh really! he looks just like he could be your little boy! is he a friends child?
AJ: um... he's 26... i'm 21
Store clerk: (puzzled look on face) oh...um...ok. well, why don't you just take him and leave the mess to us
AJ: thanks. c'mon Howie. Kevin wants us to buy peaches. he's in the store cuz he forgot to buy foot lotion. (places Howie in shopping cart child seat)
Howie: he could have just used mine!
AJ: no, yours is perscription
Howie: oh
AJ: i can't find the peaches
Kristin: what up yo wack daddies?
AJ: (to Howie) geez... she's back?! (to Kristin)we're lookin' for peaches
Kristin: dang!
AJ: i'll just tell Kevin they were out (turns around... bumps into Kevin)
Kevin: oh! so you were going to lie to me?
AJ: well, no man i wasn't... i just can't find them.
Kevin: well i could've found them 20 times by now!
Howie: yeah! 20 times! (looks at AJ and moaks Kevin)
AJ: who are you? Beavis? (pokes Howie's forehead with his finger)
Howie: (wimpers) Kevin (begins to cry) Aj hit me...
Aj: (rolls eyes) sorry D.
Howie: (smiles and pops a rasberry in his mouth)
Kevin: oh, here they are! i found the ripe peaches! yummy!
Howie: yummy in my tummy!
AJ: damn! i told you Howie, you sound gay when you say that!!
Kevin: don't make fun of him!
AJ: i'm not!
Kevin: i swear you children drive me crazy!
AJ: can we go now?
Kevin: well i suppose... if you have everything on the shopping list.
AJ: yep, got it all!
Kevin: ok cowboys! lets ride!
AJ: what?
Kevin: i mean...lets go pay for the groceries
AJ: ok man, whatever.
(three men pay for groceries, leave the store and get in the car)
AJ: (sitting in drivers seat)Kevin? what about your car? didn't you drive here?
Kevin: nope. i took a brisk walk. It was invigorating!
AJ: whatever. Howie? (looks in rear view mirror) you buckled up man?
Howie: yeppo!
AJ: ok... lets ride!
Kevin: now why can you say that a sound cool?!
AJ: cuz i leave out the cowboy part.
Kevin: ohhhh... i'll have to remember that.
AJ: Kevin, you can turn on the radio if ya' want
Kevin: ok. can we listen to christian gospel?
AJ: (laughs) yeah, i guess man
Kevin: yippy! (turns on radio, starts singingalong with the music) "yeah... God is the master! ohhhh yeah! he loves us. ohhh yeaaaaahhhhh... yeaaahhhh! Hebrew ways... shape out lives today! yessssss!"
AJ: do you have to sing along?
Kevin: oh, i guess not. does it bother you?
AJ: very much
Kevin: ok then, i won't.
AJ: thank you
Kevin: i won't sing because you are my friend and friends do that for eachother. right Howie?
Howie: buckled up in the back seat) thats right Kev-o!!!
AJ: Howie, do you have to add an "o" to everything?
Howie: yeppo AJ-O!!!
AJ: geez. you guys are weeeird!
Kevin: well excuse me Mr. Devil-hair, punk rocker, pelvis throwing AJ!!!
AJ: (laughs) i just mean, you guys are... are... original
Howie: even me?
AJ: yeah, even you Howie
(guys pull into Brians house where the gormet cooking is going to take place. Kevin doesn't like to cook in his own house because there is too much wood and it can burn down too easily if there happens to be a grease fire)
AJ: (walking into house-sees Brian) hey man, i'm glad to see you
Brian: (looks up from reading the paperin the kitchen) (laughs) why?
AJ: these guys are startin' to freak me out!
Brian: (smiles) startin'?!
AJ: (laughs) well they are gettin worse.
Brian: was Kevin singin' christian gospel?
AJ: yeah... that hebrew song
Brian: aww man! (laughs) glad i wasn't there
(Howie and Kevin walk in with more bags of groceries)
Brian: God Howie, whatta ya' got in that bag? it looks like it weighs a hundred pounds!
Howie: raspberries!!!!!
Brian: Oh yeah, i should've known
Howie: we met this girl at the market, Brian!
Brian: girl? (smiles) what kind of girl?
AJ: (nods head) nope...not that kind of girl
Brian: oh...so?
Howie: she kept saying things that "wack daddy" and "homeboys" and "what up yo?"...she scared me
Brian: aw, poor little guy. its ok. (hugs Howie)
Howie: thank you my friend
Brian: no prb'. so...Kevin, whatta ya gonna make tonite?
Kevin: creamy chicken a la Kevin Scott Richardson!
AJ: so why did you need pink raisins?
Kevin: duuuuuh! for the chicken! (turns to Brian and laughs) do i have to spell out everything for him?
Brian: (looks at AJ and smiles) guess so Kev'
AJ: so, what exactly is creamy chicken? i mean, i know it must be creamy (shudders from the though of creamy chicken) but.....what makes it creamy?
Kevin: why the creme de le bouche de lous silly! you did remember to buy the creme de le bouche de lous, didn't you?
AJ: oh um, sure i did.
Howie: (whispers to AJ) good thing you got the butter... thats creamy!
AJ: yeah
(Nick enters the room)
Brian: you know, i don't swear much, but... what the HELL is that?!
Nick: it's not a skirt!!!
AJ: (bursts out laughing) then what is it man?!?! hahahahahahaha!!
Nick: A KILT!! a scottish kilt!!! i'm trying to feel connected to my roots!!
Brian: are you even scottish?!
Nick: i might be... and if i am, well then i'm getting connected!
AJ: and if your not?
Nick: well...then...i'm starting a new fashion trend
Brian: (gets up) sorry Nick (pats him on the shoulder) AJ's the fashion one
Nick: well then what am i?
AJ: the cross-dresser! (AJ and Brian high-five eachother laughing)
Nick: that was way harsh!!
AJ: (still laughing) ok, ok, sorry
Nick: oh, i guess it does look kind of stupid. i'll go take it off. (leaves room)
Kevin: ok! everyone out! i need complete silence when i'm cooking my creamy chicken!
AJ: geez... we better get outta here... we wouldn't wanna get him mad. he might lash us with his eyebrows
Kevin: i heard that!
AJ: (leaving room) i said it loudly!
Kevin: oh...um...well...uh...get out of here! i need quiet!
(all guys leave and go into Brians living room)
Brian: you guys wanna watch TV?
Howie: yes, but make sure the television program you select contains no blood, gore, violence, sexual situations or adult themes with foul language.
Brian: umm... ok...how about "I Love Lucy"?
Howie: i don't know... i think she's showing too much cleavage
AJ: if thats too much, what the hell is not enough?!
Howie: turtle-neck with a hood
AJ: you are one weird man, man
Brian: well, ok (shuts off TV) we'll just talk then.
Howie: ok... you know when you said AJ was the fashionable one, and Nick was the cross-dresser....
AJ: well, he's not really the cross-dresser
Howie: ok, but... well, what are the rest of us?
Brian: well, i guess AJ is still the fashionable one
AJ: And Brian is the sensitive one
Howie: but he doesn't have any noticable rashes. do you have rashes Brian?
Brian: he didn't mean that kind of sensitive
Howie: oh i see. well, who am i?
Brian: (looks at AJ) um....?
AJ: um...you're the...the...sexy one
Howie: i'm sexy?!
Brian: sure you are (rolls eyes at AJ)
Howie: wow! thats cool! what about Kevin & Nick?
AJ: Kevin is the serious one and Nick is...the baby i guess...i don't know what Nick is.
Nick: (steps in to room) the sexy one!
Howie: no! i am!
Nick: Howie, get real. you think with a name like Howie you can be the sexy one?
Howie: i like my name! and i am sexy! you think with a gut like that, you're sexy? HA!
Nick: (looks at Howie) what did u just say?
Howie: Oh, nothing at all, blimpo!
Nick: That's it (lashes at Howie)
Brian: (steps in front) you're both sexy don't worry.
AJ: don't say that in public Brian. It could ruin the group.
Brian: (laughs) don't worry
(an hour goes by as the four guys play a mean game of twister!)
Kevin: it's ready!!!!
(guys get up and go into the dining room)
Brian: it's smells...good i guess?
AJ: (smells the air) i don't think good is the word you're looking for
Kevin: well then what is the word? hmm AJ? what is the word? (throws both hands on hips)
AJ: umm...(throws a piece of chicken in his mouth) damn tasty!
Kevin: thats better
(AJ turns and spits it out...Brian sees and laughs)
Kevin: and what are you laughing at?
Brian: um...nothing sir, i mean Kevin.
Kevin: well if you're laughing at my floral table-cloth because you're thinking it's out of season then i'm sorry because you fellows are very mistaken. floral patterns are extremely back in style.
AJ: says who? Martha Stewart?
Kevin: exactly AJ! i'm surprised you would know that! and quite impressed i must say!
Brian: indeed! (laughing at AJjust quietly enough fo Kevin not to hear)
Kevin: ok fellas, now eat up before the creaminess is gone!
(all the guys force themselves to try to eat a little of the chicken)
AJ: Kevin? um...what is this green bump in my chicken?
Kevin: oh, thats a giant pea!
AJ: a giant what?!
Brian: a giant pea, please don't ask. its a family thing. (he says glaring at Kevin)
Kevin: why are you looking at me like you want to kill me or something?
Brian: cuz it's such an embarrassing story!
AJ: why? whats this whole pea thing about anyway?
Kevin: well, one thanksgiving our Uncle Ed bought some vegetables that were grown close to a chemical plant. once all the veggies were cooked they expanded and the peas grew to a tremendous size. ever since it has been a family tradition to buy pease close to chemicals. so eat up!
Brian: don't ever talk about our family again
Kevin: fine little Mr. i'm ashamed of giant peas!
Brian: shut up!
Kevin: make me! (sticks out his tounge)
AJ: ok, both of you, calm down. Brian, it's not that bad. don't worry about it. lets just enjoy this...uh...meal that Kevin cooked
(Howie starts to whimper)
AJ: whats wrong, D?
Howie: no, i can't say. you'll get mad.
AJ: no i won't. whats wrong?
Howie: i have to go to the bathroom.
AJ: Howie, i asked you if you had to go before we even sat down to dinner.
Howie: i know. but i didn't have to go then. i'm sorry.
AJ: it's ok. (picks up Howie out of his seat) we'll be back in a minute guys. (walks outof room)
Kevin:why are you so afraid of AJ finding out about of peas?
Brian: (throwing down fork) can we just drop it?!
Kevin: well if you're talking about your fork you just did!!!
Nick: (Laughing) oh Kevin! hahaha!! that was a good one!
Brian: shut up, Nick!
Nick: what? what did i do?!
Brian: ahhh! you are all so annoying! i have to get out of here!
Kevin: (stands up) wait! i'm sorry. i can see why you would be embarrassed about the giant pea thing i guess. i'm sorry. i shouldn't have yelled at you. you are my cousin and i love you with all my heart and soul.
Brian: um... ok i guess. (both sit back down. Howie and AJ return)
AJ: well that was an ordeal.
Howie: i'm really sorry, AJ. really i am.
Brian: why? what happened?
AJ: i...uum...i got my shirt caught in his zipper.
Brian: (laughs) what?!!
AJ: well it's not my fault! Howie just isn't old enough to go to the bathroom by himself and i was trying to help him and my shirt... just got caught i guess. it was no biggie.
Howie: yeah. no biggie.
AJ: (stares at Howie) what did isay about that?
Howie: oh... ok
AJ: no. what did i say about that?
Howie: (breathes heavily) oh fine! you said "don't try to be cool like me. I'll look like a loser if you do"
AJ: thats right. and you don't want me to look like a loser, do you?
Howie: no. i guess not.
AJ: thats better. (looks down) whoa! this pea got bigger!
Kevin: yes, they do that sometimes. don't worry. that just means you got a ripe one. how lucky are you?!
AJ: not nearly as much as you think.
(I didn't write this story, but thanx to Nickybbear who sent it to me)
