Dorkshire News
Welcome to the real news from Dorkshire, kindly provided by the insiders who dispense information which may or may not be true. The old Dorkshire news archive can be found here We knew that it wasn't over yet! Like a phoenix from the foot-and-mouth ashes Alex has arisen from his humiliating execution. DWD has heard unconfirmed rumours to this effect, and are currently following the story. However, it would appear that Alex in his original form is no more. Two theories are circulating: firstly, Alex was destroyed in this universe but simultaneously resurrected in another one - quantum stylee. Otherwise, the Alex we see today is a clone, rapidly grown in a New York laboratory and more devastatingly effective as a war machine than ever before. This would explain his rapid growth spurt, unless it's due to unexpended testosterone. Wilder gossip suggests that bionicAlex is partly composed of bits of Tiger Tank, although it must be stressed that this is pure speculation at the moment. DWD will be sure to keep you informed.
19/02/01. So the dictators are finally finished! Or so it would seem. DWD is working on a story which may be its last... but we doubt it. Methinks that Alex and Graham are not so easily dismissed. More when time allows...
17/11/2000.Poor Alex. He has failed to realise that DWD has in fact checked the authenticity of all its emails following the unfortunate 'Gravesgate' scandal. The emails are genuine, DWD covert spies watched Alex sending them as he sat at the next computer along. We need no more proof - we have seen with our own eyes! Copies are available in the DWD archives for ANYONE who wants to see them. Interpretation was indeed necessary as you can tell from the wording, but this was merely to understand Alex's 'Rotherham-speak'. The emails are presented as they arrived, complete and unabridged.This surely casts doubt on the 'Dickie Dirt' revelations on ALex's website and smacks of political opportunism. In short, Alex, you are trying to claw back a great deal of lost credibility and it's not going to work. Because you never had any credibility in the first place.
14/11/2000Plans for the unveiling of the Shadow's identity are well underway, in other news, Alex begins a work of literary genius in conjunction with other Dorkshire enemies. It appears that the Leadership are becoming addicted to inclusive politics, with the involvement of several fringe groups and anti-Dorkshire fundamentalists in Dorkshire lately. We won't reveal the identity of this collaborator yet, but it won't be long... Does Alex really hope to populate a satellite state with Dorks? If so, he should be aware that the Antarctic cult merely wish Alex to furnish them with cannon fodder for the future battle for the fatherland. Beware, leadership, for a split state can only lead to trouble!
9/11/2000 Who could have thought this possible? DWD and the Leadership form an uneasy alliance to discover the identity of the Shadow. This was deemed necessary as the Leadership wish to find the Shadow and subject him to terrible torture, and DWD is becoming increasingly paranoid about the Shadow and thinking that it could be anyone, which is very tiring. A 'think tank' has produced the required result.
7/11/2000 Dorkshire leadership .5 tag along to examine some of Dorkshire's real archaeology - some muddy water-filled pits. Alex plans to turn this into a theme park for dorks to enjoy themselves while learning about the history of dorkshire, and a grossly overpriced burger bar has been set up in accordance with the leader's wishes. Contrary to Alex's not-very-up to date web page there was no sign of JR Hartley on the tour, much less any archaeology supporting the Dorkshire premise.
6/11/2000. But is it art? Alex has decided to unveil a statue of himself based on an idea taken from ancient Egypt. Whether the statue itself was taken from ancient Egypt remains to be seen. It will be called the 'Sphincter'. Alex has revealed that there are no plans to immortalize Graham in the same way until he 'gets off his arse and gets his own bloody statue'. The mystery of where the water marks ion this statue came from appear to be solved....In other news, Dorks have been engaged in sandbagging to prevent further flood damage to Alex's palace. This is the equivalent of a bath for them, and a health watch has been issued due to excessive levels of coal dust found in the water
3/11/2000Floods sweep Dorkshire affecting everyone including the leadership. Alex 's day is ruined by the premature death of Dorks down t'pit, Graham begins a mass gender debate, and all the time the water creeps higher. Dorkshire is in danger of total submergence, and alex's palace is under water. This picture shows the evacuation, similar to that at Saigon only by water rather than air, as Alex is forces an old lady to row him away from the danger. He leaves behind many helpless Dork slaves to face the rising waters alone and with no aid. Alex says that if they survive they are welcome to resume a life of unpaid drudgery. In the melee, Graham's skateboard (top right) was forgotten which may lead to some rows between the leadership. In other news, Kofi Annan unveils his official UN website we will bring you up to date with this once we know more.
26/10/2000 Alex finally admits to a secret undercover agent that he WAS in fact Dork 678, which damages his credibility after a long time of insisting that he wasn't. In other news, the Dorks are becoming more vociferous on the guestbook, with a movement to split the 'leedership' and put Graham on the throne by himself. How will the dictators deal with this, for there is a strong possibility that Graham does harbour secret designs to rule alone. Alex, meanwhile has said on several occasions that Graham will be cast aside when the time is right to allow Alex to form a stronger more violent state.
20/10/2000Graham has angrily refuted claims by the Dorks that he is no longer part of the Leadership. He is preparing for a tour of Dorkshire, and will be lecturing on hills in a flat cap: As you can see, this 'grandad' style suits Graham more than many of his other disguises. In other news a raving American guy slates Dorks and Anti-Dorks alike. Retribution has been swift and littered with expletives, through the favoured guest-book medium, paying scant regard to the possibility that this person could be a small child...
19/10/2000. Alex reveals his latest strategy to get the girls, after the failure of the love dome. It involves a return of courting methods to the olden days, we saw Alex showing them how here: Alex in deep manly voice (there's a first): 'Good evening my dear, would you care to darnce?' Young lady, batting eyelashes: 'Oh Mr. Southern, I' be ever so honoured...' We can tell from this picture that this has been staged. The people are actually DSP staff who are stycking spikes into this poor girl to make her smile.Nice outfit Alex.>
18/10/2000.The Shadow has come under increasing fire in the last few days, with accusations that he/she is really alex's sister trying to rally the dorks to her own cause. This would necessitate the death of the shadow's alter-ego, as reported on DWD earlier. Other guestbook entries suggest that alex was dork number 678, which frankly wouldn't surprise us. There is also the mystery of other dorks who appear to be infatuated with the leadership but eager to see corruption reduced if not eradicated. It will be interesting to see what the leadership's response to this is.
16/10/2000.DWD returns after a brief sabbatical in the Middle East to recover from duty. Alex's guestbook seems to have some interesting new entries. We also noted the support of the Shadow for our activities, and must confess to finding ourselves at something of a loss... We have no idea what to make of the Shadow, since he/she sounds like a total despot but is throwing his/her weight behind a campaign to liberate Dorkshire. We at DWD do indeed fear Alex and Graham (particularly after a curry) but do not think that the problem can be solved simply by the insertion of another Alex. Apart from anything else, the charisma in the partnership as well as the
practical division of labour make the duo more of a force to be reckoned with, at least for the moment. And DWD would be lying if they said that they did not find the fascist imagery in the site a little unnerving, particularly late at night when most work is done. We will be consulting with JC further on the matter, and thank the Shadow for his/her support.
13/10/2000 Alex's image is taking a beating: covert photography has not only shown him dancing and singing with small children, but also that he has professed his love for them in literature, through the medium of fridge magnets. In other news, the duo were seen out and about by members of the Dork public last night, consuming vast quantities of food and drink in a humble tavern. Alex may well be joined by one of his cronies today for a state visit.
11/10/2000. The fact finding mission wa a complete success, although Alex managed to affect my short term balance by use of some terrible mind bending technology. However, it was well worth it! Most interestinlgy, there is a suggestion by the paranoid leaders that I am in fact the shadow, running for Dorkshire New Age. I am afraid they are mistaken. In other news, Alex goes la-di-dah in a cocktail bar... Shouldn't he be thinking about caching criminals or something, rather than giving away Dorkshire's secrets to anybody?
Down with Dorkshire back online following a long break. We were not removed to be killed we were just busy.
The Shadow, standing for Dorkshire New Age. All info to the usual place
Poor deluded Alex. He now thinks that he has access to nuclear weapons, which is the result of a recent bout of sunstroke altering his mind. But fear not, the only 'severely burned human skin' noted recently can be found on the top of Alex's head.
16/6/2000. Max Graves reveals his identity, the source of much speculation by Anti-Dorkshire contingents and a fair amount of stalking, name-calling and mud-slinging by an enraged Alex. Alex says that the secret police discovered the identity of Mr. Graves, and he intends to put his true identity on the Named and Shamed section of his web site. Mr. Graves' web site does however indicate that Mr. Graves had intended to reveal his identity anyway. Yet another case of Alex running lightyears behind the opposition.
15/6/2000. In other news, the secret plans designed by Alex detailing every aspect of Dorkshire were seized today following a successful eavesdropping session in the scribbling class. I have them Alex, and may return them... for a price.
13/6/2000. Dorkshire lies quiet in its bed this week, we have little to report on the leaders' activities apart from the mysterious disappearance of one of them. That's right, Graham has vanished 'for the time being' acording to inside information. He may well have gone off on a spiritual mission, but it is more likely that his disappearance has something to do with Alex. If Graham does not return soon, Dorks may grow restless, and the consequences for the regime could be dire... However, while the cat's away..
Also in today's headlines: the first issue of Eh Oop! magazine, sponsored by the leadership, goes on sale. It is notable less for its amusing and informative content than for its flagrant disregard for ethical journalism...
