from lolita's beach:
everything is a reminder. i want to crawl underneath my covers like the prodigal son & not sleep, but dream, float around in a fantasy world behind someone's eyes, anyone's eyes. i want to know what it's like to be another person, what it's like to be you. what it's like to be him or her or whatnot. there are so many writings torn out on my bed, spread across my sheets. centrality. it's all together. if i get out, i'll never get in. do you heard me? i can call as loud as you want me to but it doesn't mean anyone will hear. it doesn't mean anything here. always fireflies, buzzing around your head. if i get out.. i think i should sit down & rub each foot with the other, fold my left arm to hide my stomach, lean my chin on the right, try not to clench my jaw if i can remember that far. if i get lost, i'll never be found. take my rubber soul & walk upon your sands.
hey, holy mama. free my soul.
hey. free my soul. i would like you to free my soul.
there's a dream drum beating in the back. there's a wooden heart pounding under time's hand.
deuce. do you hear it? twist.
go back to the earth, child. go fall to the earth, child.
i can feel you dancing inside my stomach. would you crawl inside my lobes & excite the seratonin? i love your words. i love your places.

but don't get any where fast. if you spend it in one place, how are you going to know what the receipt will look like in another place?

i'm talking to a list. come on baby, please honey. i'm talking to a list. just a list. it's a simple list. a simple line. straight lines curved lines, bending over to form shapes, circles, squares. there are only shapes when you create them. there are only the shapes you imagine, the places you find others.. you see?

you understand, lo.

carry my frail body to the sea. i know you. place me in salt water & watch me wash out on the shore. & i will Faith you. i will faith & close my eyes to the tide.

i trust you. i drink water, i hold water in my belly, washing around in my stomach as blood & child & woman. water seeps from my eyes when i'm happy, when i'm tired, when i need. i'm safe, i know we're safe. i thought otherwise.



i'm back, i'm ready to go.

chad bought me two cases (cases!) of refreshment. yum. i poured some into my plastic dr pepper cup & it immediately spilt all over me. hole in the bottom. so it was an unintentional poke-a-hole-in-the-bottom chug. then kare knocks on the door & i'm dripping all over the place.. so i levied it in the trash. we talked & now it's in a disgusting cup that once held coffee from months ago.. (still smells like it), so i'm drinking it with a straw as far away from my nose as i can get.

conversational humor. conversational ethics - - what to tell, what not to tell. i would like to hold your hands.

crawling on the floor, i'm submitted. something smells in here.



a letter to kevin.

we're from different worlds.
i'm sorry if you recieve (which was originally typed: 'u;n sirrt uf tiy receuve') numerous of the same emails from me.

doesn't take much.

i was standing, talking to my friends in a room. not discussing anything of dire importance. when i brought something from the outside up, they brought it back inside. i got tired & decided to come back to my room.. blather around, drink. knocking at the door. no one comes knocks on my door unless they're selling something.
open the door, find a familiar face, but not a familiar look. in the process of saying "why didn't you just come in?" but i don't get all the way through it. he kind of rocks back & forth on his toes for a minute & then grabs my face & kisses me with his mouth.

i didn't know what to do. so there was a moment of lapse. but as soon as i realize what was happening, fingers behind my earlobes, pressure points.. i freakedout. pulled away fast. but in those seconds, did i give the wrong impression? someone said we always spoke english.

funny that it's been a few hours & i still find myself in a moment of lapse. some things are melting now.

end letter.

it's funny how brutally they take hold. i know there was something hiding behind the pads of my fingers, the prints. i wish i could burn them off, erase my personal dossier & run off to kenya for the summer.
"are you going to spend the summer with him down there?" no. "why not?" i hadn't considered it. i have to get a job. "you could get a job down there." he could get a job up here.

i really hadn't considered that i didn't have a future. the thoughts didn't cross my mind but for some reason i was increasingly optimistic. don't be silly, everything is fine.
i wish you didn't know.

"well maybe he should have thought of that before they had sex." what the fuck does that have to do with anything? isn't it just another aspect? isn't it just another dimension, part of that something we call ours? i don't know why you make that comment. it confuses me but perhaps i'm easily confused.

i wish you were here to sing me to sleep. i wish you were here to take a drink with me. i wish i knew where your eyes were & on which plane they focused. i would like to know what's around your person, what kind of chair you're sitting in, the color of your main window screen. i want to know what size you would order, a whole range of ideas. "this money doesn't come just for me, it comes for Us. why does everything have to be yours OR mine?"

"i'm out to prove the impossible really exists. cover me."
i'm really not between you & your ambition. would you give me a call when you've finished the construction? someday you're going to wonder what's left to chew on. i wasn't interested, i'm still not. you didn't speak soon enough. why is that my fault?

god help you if you are an ugly girl.

lost in.

a crowd.