we don't need no water.
four march 1999.

sigh. hi. i am a big shithead & i just thought you all should know this. i'm going to fail my art history exam tomorrow because i'm sick & don't want to do anything but sit against my pillow & hack up phlegm. right, i'm sure you didn't want to know that, but i shared it with you anyway.

yeah. so i'm a bitch. ugh. i wish i could have been a bitch maybe a week ago or something. that would be more timely. then we wouldn't have to worry about things getting weird. i'm not interested in the comparison picking up again & i don't want to freak anyone out. so someone just hit me or kick my ass or something. much obliged.

not that i'm not a freak already, spending the night in some resorted space. kare suggested that i not dye my hair in a public bathroom. i tend to agree with her, but i'd still like to see if i could get away with it. nevertheless, i have plenty of light reading to keep me busy. heh. i'm bringing my sandman graphic novels, winterson's art & lies & elliot's middlemarch. don't ask me why i think i'm going to read all of this stuff. i don't know. boredom? of course, i have about sixteen tapes that i want to take because i always get so pissed off when i have music to listen to but it gets boring after the second time through the tape. heh. bLah.

"take me if you want.. it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces." sigh. well, fuck me sane. or just fuck me period. i really need to work on my self-esteem. called mum today & got talking to da'.. wait, rephrase: da' started talking to me & decided to lecture me on how i have absolutely no self-esteem anymore. "the old shannon was so confident. now you're just extremely passive & quiet. that's not the shannon i know."
maybe i'm a mermaid in these jeans of yours with her name still on them.

mm. i have ceased to wallow in self pity because it's just stupid. i'm just tired now. please stop acting pathetic. it's not very flattering.



earlier.
let the motherfucker burn.
burn, motherfucker. burn.

i'm shocked that i'm actually finding the strength to type. this is my third night without sleep. okay, so i was stupid the other nights & only got about two hours total, but come on, people, the life of an insomniac isn't one that i lead well. so TONIGHT was the night that i'm feeling all sorry for myself, feeling pitiful & thinking that nobody loves me (get out your fucking violin), so little blue is going to curl up in her bed & go to sleep. that way, she can wake up bright & early for her nine am test & be fully rested. what a Novel idea.

did it happen? what do you think uhmno.

the quality of male intelligence at this university simple astounds me. i'm so impressed with the precision, technique & maturity that each one shows on a daily basis. yeah, so that's a crock of shit. as i was trying to sleep, some motherfuckers outside were screaming & yelling for no apparent reason besides the fact that they had a beer can or two stuck up their asses. i Hate it when people get stupid drunk, inconsiderate drunk. fuckers. they're yelling & people inside, who are trying to study for midterms, are screaming out the windows at them. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU PUSSY." heh. of course, this was helping all the more because it just made less noise. hehno. so that i can deal with, no problem. just tune it out, think of spirals & communication techniques.

but then one of them yells "fire alarm!" okay. ignore that comment.. metacommunication, communication cli-- BZZZZZZZZT. son of a BITCH. so erin & i look at each other like no way.. NO WAY. but people are leaving, so we go in this large heard down eight flights of stairs, outside to where the wind is howling (still & even worse, if you read my last entry) & the snow is turning quickly to ice. so i actually remembered to bring socks this time. but didn't help in the long run. we sat outside, in the cold, for over two hours. none of the buildings were accessible, & if you had a friend, why the hell would you call then at three in the morning? "can i come sleep with you?" UHNO!

when we got outside, everyone was positive who had pulled it. of course we were all over his ass. too bad the RAs had to break it up. we could have broken a few things. i know he was bleeding from the head. motherfucker.

call me a compassionless bitch. go ahead.

we finally got into zane, the business building next door but found out that we were going to be kicked out at about six or seven. greeeaaaaat. so kare & i walked around, found her empty business classroom & spread out on the long, green desks. that lasted not very long due to the people (the drunk ones) upstairs who were apparently playing "let's jump on the ceiling as hard as we can & see if we can get somewhere or piss someone off." goddamn that's funny. fucker.

but now i'm in my space over in wampler, tapping away & looking at art history paintings that i need to memorize for tomorrow. sure, no problem. god, i'm so fucking tired. this has NOT been a good night. i mean, it could be worse - i could have procrastinated on a paper or something & left it until tonight. i could have lost it or not been able to finish it or have to write it on a paper towel in blood from my fingers. we're looking at this subjectively, right? heh. whatever. fuck.

so yeah. i'm so fucked. i'm so fucked. self esteem is dead. motivation? fuck no. integrity? left it in my bed. optimism? don't give me that bullshit. this is a nightmare.

so for all you lucky kids who are in bed, asleep, or just in bed Period, i envy you, i hate you, i want to throw things at you, but you're very lucky.

the roof. the roof.

the roof is on fire.