Our biggest letters edition EVER!!

Madgrad: WOW! Its our biggest letters edition ever! Think of this as letters on viagra!

Mark: Yes, but can you hang a towel off of a big letters page? I don't think so!

::SMACK::

Madgrad: Your welcome.

Woohoo! I'm a Sergeant! Whoa! That mirror looks like it's been overused!

Pikachu: Mre HEH ha ha!

Bob: Pikachu! What the hell are you doing with that mirror?

Pikachu: Oh, nothing, only making it so I can induce the world to the most horrible thing to pollute online games...

Bob: Oh no you mean...?

Pikachu: Yes! I am making it so the real world will lag!!! HAHAHAHA!

Bob: No... This is not what the mirror was intended to be used for!

Pikachu: It's being used for it now!!! (Reaches through mirror and grabs onto pole, pulls himself through)

Bob: Holy Spam on a stick! He went into the mirror!! I must try to wrong this right! Oh I mean right this wrong! Let's pickle!! (goes into mirror)

Narrator: After Sergeant Bob McBob went into the portal, its dimensional frame collapsed, closing the portal. The good thing is, Pikachu's plan couldn't be carried out, and Pikachu was sealed in the pseduo-demension he made to pipe lag into the real world. The bad thing is, Bob McBob is stuck in that universe fighting Pikachu and god-knows-what creatures. Tis a sad day...

Gamer X: Howdy everyone! I'm hooooooome! Huh? It looks like there's been some kind of Space-time continuum rip was here. Oh, to bad, I have presents for everyone from my quest! Come and get them! Now it's time to update myself on the site...

Gamer X (What the hell happened here while I was gone?)

Madgrad: YEAH! Go Sarge! That mirrir was to be used for one purpose only....to deliver us porn and women! How dare Pikachu foul the sanctity of the device! Show him! Oh hi Gamer X, good to have you back. WHat happened when you were gone? Well the magic rabit came and gave us all honey.

Mark: And he gave me this little eyeball. See my little eyeball? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

RtR: Mark, get that thing out of EVIL Fanfrazio's mouth!

The best two person gaming experience? Well, you see I was playing NFL Blitz one day when suddenly my doorbell rang. Needless to say, I was extremely pissed off. When I opened the door, there was Carmen Electra wearing only a robe and holding a can of whip cream...but alas, I must edit out the rest of my "two player gaming experience" for the sake of the many little kiddies that could be reading this. So I guess NFL Blitz is my number one.=)-Scott

P.S. On a serious note, the best real two player gaming experiences are the original Contra on the NES, Radiant Silvergun, Metal Slug, and X-men vs. SF with the ram cart(all Saturn imports). Yes, Saturn with an import converter and ram pack is one of the best systems around.

Madgrad: Damn man! She did that with YOU too? I knew she was a slut. Better go to a doctor and get checked out. I remember the Final Fight and Streets of Rage games as being great two player titles. Man it was great to kick the other guys ass while pretending to be his friend...whops....perhaps I've said too much. Now to go form an "alliance" in Starcraft..heheheh...

Mark: Personally, there is only one game which provides the best two player entertaiment. THE FUN!!! Oh by the way, my arcade finally got it!!! Whoo-hoo!

RtR: There are still arcades where you live?!? I must visit this "magical" place. Hmm, "arcade".....sounds familiar..but..I..just..can't..REMEMBER!

I LIIIVVEE!! Or I should say, the reason you haven't heard from me in over a week is that my P.C. was on the brink of death. I got an extremly nasty boot virus that must have come from downloading too many porn mpeg's. I wiped out my entire system. I has to send to my local videogame shop to get it fixed. (They were'nt too happy. I'm still making DreamCast payments.) What really sucks is that I was almost done with Half-Life!! Luckily, to pass the time, I have.....Power Stone!! This game just kicks the most ass. Capcom, .....I love you man! Man, it was a hard week though. I couldn't get on the net for a week! I felt like a junkie without his crack man!! (I think that's one too many "man"'s".) From what I've heard of people who've played the arcade game, it's not only exact, it's an emulation!! Absolutley no difference from the arcade game. (Which uses the naomi board.) There's 15 secrets to be found, including three VMS mini games! Hey!! This is a rant not a review dammit!! Back to work!! In conclusion, I'd like to say, if Matt doesn't get a new UGPO going soon, expect to see an exclusive J-File here very soon!! Also, this week marks the longest turd I have ever had. 1 1/2 feet long!! (It was practically like giving birth!) That's all for now, smell ya later!!

JJJ

Madgrad: I just have one question: Why God, why?

Mark: Hey JJJ, does your a** still itch?

RtR: Porn MPEG's are just as evile as girls, but..their..both..just..so..damn..hard..to..RESIST!

Best two-player game, eh? That can be summed up in one word: redwarriorisitbluewizardisitredwarriorisitbluewizardisitredwarriorisitbluewi zardisitredwarriorisitbluewizardisitredwarriorisitbluewizardisit, on into eternity! Not to mention Red Warrior Needs Food--Badly! and Red Warrior Is About To Die, followed by a horrible grating noise. And of course, the dumbass Blue Wizard, who shot the &*#^ food AND potion. Yes. It's Gauntlet II. The ultimate in multi-player wackiness.

Captain Moogle

p.s. JOIN THE MOOGLE BRIGADE TODAY!!!

Madgrad: Yeah, Guantlet was sweet. has anyone seen the latest arcade update of it? And sorry, we can't join the Moogle brigade, but you could join us. Granted, I'd be yeer new boss, but hey....

Mark: Actually, I have, and it is nothing like the originals. New arcade :)

RtR: GAUNTLET BABY! Its great the series was revived in the "arcades" (that word again!) and may the console ports be flawless, especially the N64 ram-pack version *drool*.

The best two player experience I ever had was the first night my friend and I played Donkey Kong Country (The first ine. The next two without the tag team of Donkey and Diddy just weren't the same). We started at about five in the afternoon, and we played until about 5 AM. We then tried to sleep for about 20 minutes, then he says to me "hey you know what? We should play some more DKC." I wasn't about to argue. The most fun I've had playing a game. Haven't had that much fun in years.

As for bribes, what games would you like Generalismo? I could do with a Colonel's pay scale. And of course, the higher the rank, the more women you get. Right, Presidente?

Captain Daniel Squires

Madgrad: Dude, you...and your friend....both went to sleep..at the same time....Am I the only one who thinks that this sounds really, really sick? THis may violate our "Don't ask, Don't tell" poilcy. As for bribes, you can't go wrong with a brand new copy of "Aiko's Panty Adventures" or "Baka Baka Frivoluous Lawsuit Bounce Bounce Zwei."

Mark: MY TWO FAVORITE GAMES!!!

RtR: YOU TOO?!?

Hay! itza mi agen! Four did yew how!? mareo iznt ass gewd ass luiegi casze luiegagi cood jemp farder. tewd iz fet en stewpid whan prenciss meshroam herad lewk lek a demb whitch! bowsert iss kewl casue he cood dew stuph wit hes teil! spikked beck end al! muh a betton es rouend end muh b betton es roend two! rektangle bettons arr stert end sellct.! Feverite tems arr dees!

fourgewdtimes, darc gremlin!

Madgrad: New rule: I excercise editorial control from now one over what we print okay? I can't take any more of this!

Mark: Hey, I had to put up with it on the ol' Whacko Gamer. How he tracked me down here, I will never know. How he even has the ability to use a keyboard is beyond me.

*BOOM*

Mark: What the hell was that?

RtR: The sound of Darc Gremlin's spellchecker checking OUT!

Well, there was this time I was playing Fantastic Four with my girlfriend, and she started to disrobe...OH! You mean "pertaining to the game." Need you ask? The best two player coop game ever is Contra! No game can ever compare to its succulent goodness! Speaking of which, when the hell, with all this techology, are we going to get a decent (emphasis on decent) 2p cooperative game? Sorry I had to be so brief, but I'll be sure to bundle your box with BS soon. Toodles.

Infernal Spawn of Hell

Madgrad: Yeah Chris, that was sweet. I remember how hard it was to hold the camera from behind the couch..OH! Damn it, I wasn't supposed to say that. Yep, Contra did rock...

Mark: I told you girls aren't evile. Just the ones that steal your wallet. LIKE A VIKING!!!

RtR: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, (select for 2 players), and Start. Lather, rinse, repeat. Sure, I can't remember my license number, but the Konami code is forever etched in my mind...

4 worst RPG characters that starred in halfway decent games.

1. CRONO (Chrono Trigger)

Marle: Crono, do you like my outfit today?

Crono:

Marle: Crono!!! Please answer!

Crono:

(Marle slaps Crono in the face)

Crono:

Marle: Fine, if you're a shameless homosexual squirrel abuser, say nothing!

Crono:

2. CLOUD (FF7)

Aeris: Cloud, do you like people?

Cloud: No!

Aeris: Cloud, do you...

Cloud: No! I only like to kick ass, take names, and grow from a midget into an anime character.

Aeris: Cloud, you sound a little mean right now, and you look kind of sick...

(everything turns red, Cloud grabs his spikey head and falls to his knees)

Aeris: Uh oh, not ANOTHER acid flashback!

3. BARRETT (FF7)

**CENSORED**

4. BUTZ (FF5)

Faris: So Butz, how did you come by your name?

Butz: Well, as you can see, I'm a totally average generic RPG character...but there is one thing that sets me apart.

Faris: What's that?

(Butz rips off Faris' clothes and buries his head between her ass cheeks)

P.S. To those of you who are bashing me because of my opinion of the "classic" Dragon Quest/Warrior series, play the NES ones through again and after the novelty and nostalgia wears off, THEN tell me they are good games. And to the one who said it sounds like I played them for the first time recently, I have owned 1, 3, and 4 when they came out as well as rented the second a few times and I hated them as much back then as I do now. Final Fantasy, Star Tropics (ever heard of that one?) and Crystalis are much better RPGs for the NES. Also, Madgraduate, if an RPG is good, I should be able to play through it again and it should be as good as the first time. I played through many good RPGs a second time and they were still good. Also, I never said FF7 was bad, I said it was extremely overrated.

P.P.S. Do you by chance actually get any sleep at night, Madgrad? Or do you have much of a life?

Madgrad: Mmmmpph mmmmppph mpppphhh mmmmppppphh. *GASP* And that 7, is how to say hello properly. Oh hello Isca. I do agree with you on all except Cloud, the little freak was cool, plus he turned into "Aya" musch to Mark's dismay. And what the hell do you care about how much I sleep at night? Your not there are you...ARE YOU?!?!

Mark: Hey, when do I get my turn Madgrad? I want to be assimalated! Isca, Yes, Dragon Warrior had zero to no story, but it is still fun!!! AH!!! DIE SLIME!!! CRITICAL HIT!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

RtR: If the DW games didn't float your boat, thats ok, BUT DONT PUSH YOUR BELIEFS ON ME MAN!

Madgrad: Now look who's trippin?

RtR: BTW, I think many story-driven RPG's aren't as good the second time around; cuz you already know all the suprises and plot twists, and of course, have seen the denoument.

TOPIC: FPS plots: What new FPS do you want to see?

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