Lawyer's donation
The staff at a local United Way
office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most
successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions
called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows
that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny
to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for
a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my
mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her pennyless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
Blind Date
"How was your blind date?" a college
student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" answered the roommate.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car!
What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
Soap & Water
A minister was asked to dinner by
one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he
sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that
he
had ever seen in his life. "Were
these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over
the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as
soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but
blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious
and he said so, despite the dirty
dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess
took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A plane flying over the North Sea
is in trouble and likely to ditch. There are six passengers on board, a
Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three children. But there are only three
life jackets.
The Doctor says, "Save the children!!,"
waving the life jackets. Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer
shouts, "Screw the children!!" and the Priest inquires, "Is there time...?"
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
The tired doctor was awakened by
a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come
right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed
a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but
before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have
to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband
just found
another one."
One small step
There are 2 men
sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men
looks to
the end of the bar and realizes
that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate
amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men
gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American
Icon.
He gets
to the end of the bar and asks, "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice
that you are Neil Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong
replies, "well yes I am how may I help you?" The man states that it was
a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol
and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what
he does for a living. "I am a journalist" replies the man. Mr. Armstrong
gives a sigh and replies "Oh, Okay." The man continues and asks him if
he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that
reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The
man asks him what he means.
Mr. Armstrong
replies, you guys reported I said "Once small step for man, one giant step
for man
kind", but what I really said was
"once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline."
"Who the
hell is Matt Kline?" replied the man.
"Matt Kline
is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high
school,
college, we even served in the service
at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didn't
make the cut," said Armstrong.
"Okay"
replied the man.
"Well one
day I was the best man at Matt's wedding and when the reception was over,
I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting
to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages
up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt's wife say, 'the
day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!"
