Gotham Chess Quotes - I

I actually have played this set-up myself with black and I have no idea how to play it.

I don’t know why white is not activating their rook; God gave you a rook!

I get it - you're taught to bring the king in the endgame. His ass needs to stay home right now, because the rook needs to eat the pawns. Stop. Kg1 is when your brain says, "I remember the grandmasters always say you've got to use the king in the endgame." Not right now, stupid - put his ass on h1 and go eat as many pawns as you can with the rook.

I love how the computer says five inaccuracies. What a scumbag!

I show you you these games, these bots are losing all these pieces - you're like, "Oh, I'm going to go to my games and lose all my pieces." No, you're just a moron and then the bot is genius.

I think white has potential in chess and black has potential - as a janitor. I mean of their own room.

I wish we could put brain scanners on hundreds and see what lights up, or doesn't, in their brains as they play versus, like, a grandmaster. Which parts of the brain or anus are they using when they play?

I would not recommend the Schara Gambit to anyone watching this video. Even if Stockfish is watching this video, I would say, "Stockfish, what are you doing? Why are you down a pawn?"

I'm always impressed with the way Magnus plays. The kids would call it glazing. But the kids need to leave the house and get screen time locks on their phones, because their brains have completely atrophied.

I'm cooking everybody. I'm better than all these bozos - except the ones I lose to.

I'm down three pawns. Last game I was down four and I know I need to be down at least three to make it into a Gotham Chess YouTube video.

I'm getting like 1100 vibes - and an 1100 who just accidentally had a little diarrhea on the table right here.

If 20 moves into the game you have spent about 6% of your time, you're a degenerate. And I say this in a loving way. Stop!

If a 1700 plays Qc2 here, first of all it's chequers from here on out.

If either of these players is above 500 I'm probably just going to vomit.

If this is game of four digits, both these players need to be slapped.

If white was anywhere from 900 to 1300, they would snap take this en passant. Because people at this Elo if they can en passant and it means a giant boulder falling on one of their their relatives, they will still play the move en passant.

If you are playing an end-game, and you are up a bishop, and there is a passed pawn, and the options are to push the pawn or be more active and try to win material, and you play a move putting your rook in the corner to guard a pawn, you should slap yourself for playing the move a8.

If you go into the water in New York you'll come out a lizard.

If you play e5 and then at any point play e6, you should be put in prison.

If you take on e5 in this position with the pawn, you should not be allowed to sleep in your house that evening. They should just leave you out on the sidewalk. You deserve to be locked out of your house for the day.

If you take on e6, I take with the f-pawn, you play Ng5, I play Re7 and it turns out you are not AlphaZero at all, you are a bozo who submitted this game for my Guess the Elo series.

If you're 1400 and play Rb8, you need to look in the mirror and yell at yourself.

If you're watching this and you're going, "I would have played those moves; that's OK," you're just an equally skilled bozo - that's fine."

In a gambit you're supposed to lose a pawn or two. This is a giga-ooga gambit. The good news is this is a curable condition. If you show up to the chess hospital and these are your symptoms, very easily treatable.

In a shocking turn of events, the world champion does not blunder checkmate in one move.

In chess, as long as your brain is firing we can fix it. But if your brain is not firing at all - that's bad.

In the middle of a colossal struggle between the whole armies, these two go meet in the woods to diddle around with one another. OK, a5, a4, the pawns were trying to get some freaky action going on.

In the real world “no” means “no”; in chess you don’t have to ask permission to deliver checkmate.

In this game the chess spoke for itself, but it had a really vicious sore throat, a whooping cough, a really high fever, but it still spoke for itself in some capacity.

Instead of playing like Mikhail Tal, he's playing like Tikhail Mal.

Is this a cheater, or Magnus Carlsen on Adderall?

It is very common in chess for two pieces to stare at each other and it would be bad for either side to make the first move - unlike in dating. Make the first move - unless you haven't showered.

It lost three points of material and it was like Rock Leigh dropping weights.

It's just incredible, you could make three moves back in the day and say, "That's my opening." Nowadays you have to lose your queen in three moves and say that's your opening.

It's kind of hard to sacrifice material. Like you play Nd5, that's not a sacrifice, you're just a moron. Which I understand for many of you it is very hard to know the difference.

It's like when I leave my dog downstairs, not in his pen - he eats my shoes. You are eating shoes right now!

It's like you're building a house and you want a gigantic statue of a butt-naked king in the front. It's going to take you over the budget, but whatever.

It's not even Stockfish's top choice, but Stockfish can go eat an entire frank.

"It's not fair; he took my piece." The world's not fair; suck it up!