CHAPTER 16: Oolong

[What a dump,] Raditsu thought to himself as Bulma's jeep trundled through the littered streets of the small town. The settlement seemed pretty deserted - he had seen no signs of life anywhere, save for a few weak flickers of ki.

"You're sure that the Dragonball is somewhere in this town?" Kakarotto frowned at Bulma.

"Positive," she told him. "The Dragon Radar doesn't lie."

"What is this place, anyway?" Bardock murmured.

"I don't know," Bulma admitted.

A flash of movement caused Raditsu to look sharply to the left, to see an ancient woman hobbling out of one of the dome-shaped houses. A little girl followed her, looking quite frantic.

"Gramma, no!" the girl cried. "They might work for the Master!"

"I've reached the end of muh line anywuy," the old grandmother replied, waving her gnarled cane. "We's all gots to go sometime-"

A horn sounded from somewhere behind Raditsu. He turned a little further to see a cloud of dust approaching.

The grandmother and the girl rushed back into their house.

The dust cloud grew closer, and Raditsu could easily make out the form of a green army jeep with its hood blown off. Hunched over the steering wheel was a portly and unwashed man, and sprawled all over the back were several gorgeous women clad in string bikinis. Oddly enough, the object of their affection was a pig in a communist uniform.

Wait a minute. A pig? In a communist uniform? "What the hell kind of planet IS this?!" Raditsu almost shouted.

"A strange one," Bardock replied.

"That was a rhetorical question, father."

By now, the jeep had pulled out right behind him. With a last pinch directed at the hindquarters of a dark-haired girl, the pig rose from his cushioned seat and began to speak loudly in a nasal voice - "Who are you who have entered the territory of ME, Supreme Emperor Oolong, without express written permission?"

A pig with an empire. "Listen, piggy, we aren't here to take over your precious 'empire' or anything, so get the hell out of our way before you piss me off."

"I've pissed a lot of people off, Hair Boy. What makes YOU so dangerous?"

"The fact that I'm fully capable of blowing up this entire stinking planet, you lamebrained pig!"

The bevy of girls gave a collective gasp.

"You dare insult ME, Hair Boy?" Oolong said in a tone of utter disbelief. "Me, the Supreme-"

Raditsu interrupted him by flipping him the bird.

The girls gasped again.

"Not too smaaaaaaaart," drawled the dirty driver.

"I've had it!" Oolong raged. "Bacterian! Kill them!"

The driver grinned and leapt out of the jeep, shambling towards Raditsu.

[Shit, what is that SMELL?!] Raditsu thought sharply as Bacterian approached. The smell wafting from the chubby fellow threatened to bowl him over.

"You're no match for Bacterian," Oolong noted smugly. "He hasn't washed in ten years. I have to hide myself and these looooooovely ladies behind a smellproof shield to let him drive the jeep, but he's a good bodyguard.

"I'll get it," Kiwi offered, hopping off of the jeep.

Bacterian rubbed his hands together with glee. "Oh goody, calamari," he chortled.

Kiwi pointed one finger at Bacterian's head.

"It's over," Bardock said simply.

Bardock was right. Bacterian was still smiling stupidly when Kiwi's thin laser passed through his skull. The stencheous human collapsed in a dead heap.

Oolong just gaped.

"Don't let them take the Dragonball!" a particularly bosomy blonde squealed, holding up a Dragonball with three stars. This proved to be a fatal error; a purple blur flashed across Oolong's jeep. When it faded, Kiwi stood on the other side of the jeep, holding the three-star ball.

"Surprise," the squidlike soldier said with a faint smile.

"That does it!" Oolong screamed. "Back away, ladies! It's time for me to show my stuff!"

The bikini girls edged away, giving Oolong plenty of room. However, what followed was NOT the powerup sequence that Raditsu had expected. Instead, Oolong was engulfed in a puff of smoke.

What emerged from the smoke was a VERY large gatling-gun with a pair of eyes where the sight would have been.

"A changeling!" Kakarotto gasped.

Bulma gave a sort of frightened squeak and edged towards Raditsu.

"Dieeeeeeee!" the Oolong-gun howled as he opened fire. However, Raditsu just stood there, letting the bullets bounce off harmlessly. After a few moments, Oolong ran out of ammo, and Raditsu picked him up by the barrel. "You're coming with us, Porky," he said firmly.

"N-never!" the gun screamed.

"If you don't do exactly what I say, I'll kill you!" Raditsu shouted. "Change back and get in the fucking jeep!"

Cringing away, the gun faded back into the communist-pig form of Oolong. Raditsu wordlessly deposited the pig roughly in the back of the jeep, resuming his own seat.

Kakarotto was looking at him strangely. "Do we really need the pig?" he asked.

"His shape-changing could be useful," Raditsu shrugged. "When he gets inconvenient, we'll kill him."

"Sound thinking."

Tucking the Dragonball into the backpack he had brought along, Kiwi seated himself in the jeep again. "Where's the next Ball?" he asked.

Bulma looked down at the Dragon Radar; Raditsu noticed that she looked a little frightened. "West," she announced, then reached for the steering wheel and depressed the gas pedal. The jeep roared away, leaving Oolong's bevy of beauties behind.

"My hentai," Oolong moaned in a tone of absolute despair. "I'll miss you, hentai..."

Raditsu could only laugh.