About Me: How I got to be "Morbidly Obese"...
I really don't care much for that term... "Morbidly Obese"...! But technically, I guess that's what I am. I didn't start out that way... in fact, I was premature and only weighed about 4# or so at birth! :)
I was a little "chunky" as a child, maybe... but not really that overweight. I enjoyed a nice childhood and adolescense... I was very much into the dramatic arts - I sang in lots of school choirs, performed in school plays and musicals, sang at church... heck, I guess I was kind of a ham when you really get down to it! I never had any problem getting boyfriends... no low self-esteem... nothing like that. So, I am firmly convinced that I am the product of BAD GENES! Most of the people on both my parents' sides of the family were very heavy, and when I became pregnant with my daughter at age 20 - I packed on about 100#! It amazes me to this day that the docs didn't say much about it. That's probably b/c I was a "charity case"... my husband and I were jobless, penniless, and going to the "free clinic" for my pre-natal care. I don't think anybody "cared" much at all! My blood pressure was out of this world, and I was swelling up beyond belief... but all the docs would say was "Don't eat so much salty food!" (Hell, we didn't have money to buy ANY food, much less something luxurious like salty junk food... my diet consisted mostly of milk, pasta and whatever two-for-ones my mother-in-law got that week at the grocery!).
My daugher was due to be born on Thanksgiving, 1986. Thanksgiving came - and Thanksgiving went, yet there I still was on the couch with swollen EVERYTHING and outrageous high blood pressure. At my pre-natal visit a week or so before I delivered, they "almost" sent me to the hospital... but then one of the higher up docs nixed that idea b/c I was a "charity case" (his words exactly - I heard him say that to the underling doc who wanted to admit me!). Finally, on December 28, 1986, my 8 pound, 14 oz. daughter was born by c-section after nearly two whole days of labor. I had toxemia (DUH) and cephalopelvic disproportion, and Lacy was jaundiced when they finally pulled her out of her cramped quarters. She was perfect, other than having one ear that was a little "squished" looking, and remains that way to this day. I still think it's because they let me go too long past my due date... but I was too naive and intimidated by the whole process to help myself at that point in time. (NEVER AGAIN!)
To make a long story short, I got divorced when my daughter was almost 2. My ex-husband couldn't stand the fact that I had gained so much weight. There were other reasons for the divorce, but I know that was one of them. My self-esteem at that point wasn't worth a dime. I was clinically depressed and completely scared to death at what was going to happen to me and my daughter. I ended up on Prozac, and lost quite a bit of weight - about 50#, I think! I was able to see my feet, and I could fit into a size 18 sweatshirt...
Unfortunately, I put the weight back on - and then some - over the years. It amazes me today, to recall that even at my SMALLEST overweight stage, I thought I was a total pig. Well - I've seen some pics of me at that stage, and I didn't look bad at all! But I perceived that I did. Especially after I drummed up the courage to go out on a few blind dates, only to be rejected b/c of my size. SO... I didn't date for about 10 years. I just decided, if God wanted me to have a man in my life, he would throw one in at the right time - but I had too much on my plate raising my daughter on my own w/no help from my ex to worry about FINDING his sorry butt! :) I worked 2-3 jobs at a time and concentrated on trying to provide for my daughter, and grew larger, and larger, and larger as the years went by.
Finally, in July 1996, I took a chance and got involved with a personals service called "The People Store". It was pretty neat! It was all done over the phone. You would leave a voice mail message telling about yourself, and guys could listen to it and then leave a message for you if they were interested in talking to you. And vice versa. I made sure that my message emphasized that I was a "BBW" (big beautiful woman) and that anyone interested in me had to be able to accept my size as part of my appeal! :)
I started talking to a man named Steve, who was 42 and separated from his wife. He was raising their two daughters, and going through a very messy divorce. After two weeks of spending up to 12 hours per night on the phone, we decided we had to meet. We hit it off great! I was beginning to think that maybe I had a chance at the "L" word again! And that is what I wanted more than anything, in my most secret of hearts. Steve and I got along so well. Unfortunately, a few months after we met, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. OH boy. It's still really difficult to go back to that time and talk about it, because it was the most emotionally draining thing I have ever been through in my life. I may end up writing a book about that someday - gosh, what a long story. Anyway, I moved into Steve's home to help him out, knowing that it was only temporary and that he wouldn't always be around. We had about 9 months together before he died. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I wasn't even "allowed" (by his family) to go the funeral. I was basically kicked out of the house, my belongings and pets were held for ransom, I was accused of having stolen Steve's money (the guy was on welfare, OK?? WHAT money?? I was the gainfully employed one!), and I was threatened with a wrongful death lawsuit... Steve's family felt that the dust and dander from my birds caused his death (never mind that his brain, lungs, and bones were completely destroyed by cancer!) Can I just say, people do some really amazing things when they are in pain, and Steve's family was a textbook example of that. I hope that they are now learning to deal with their pain in a healthier way! But I just thank God that I have not had to have any contact with them since then.
Well... obviously that was a horrible thing to live through, and back I went on the Prozac and lost another 50# or so. Prozac and extreme stress are great weight loss mechanisms for me, I have found *S* I also learned, through counseling, that terminal illness really "weirds out" the grieving process. Boy, does it ever! But I know I am a much better person for having lived through the situation and survived it. I learned so much...
And like they say - when a door closes, a window opens...! I met Bob, my husband, very shortly after all this. I couldn't believe I was ready to date again, much less FIND someone who WANTED to go out with me - but there he was! It didn't take me long to discover that I had found someone perfect for me and so very special and wonderful... and we were married a year and a half after we met. I've never looked back! I have found the most loving, supportive, gentle, sexy, strong and WONDERFUL husband a girl could ask for - he is truly my soul mate and my best friend. He has seen me at my worst, and at my best, and he loves me unconditionally. He is fully behind my decision to pursue the weight loss surgery... and a lot of the reason I am doing it is because I want to be healthy and energetic so I can do more of those "special things" for him. I want to grow old with him and watch our grandchildren play in the yard... and I intend to do just that!
So... that's pretty much the story of ME! :) Hope I didn't put you to sleep. Now, put your seat belt on... I have a feeling the journey has just begun...!
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