September 1999

I once read that the most important moment in your life is when, something, or someone, touches you, in such a way, that you feel changed or reborn. Become a better version of yourself even. For me, that moment happened in February 1999 when i met you.. Since then we've become friends, and fell for eachother. Ive learnt more in my time with you than i have in all the time before i met you. Before then, i stopped believing in relationships, in honesty, in love, and even belief itself. I realised being with you that i could be happy, i could believe in things again, and i could actually trust not only myself, but others. I was even surprised by how much i cared about you. When i took you home drunk, and you'd fall or be sick, i looked after you, terrified that anything would happen to you, and never relaxed til you were in bed, and sleeping soundly. When someone talked behind your back, i was as mad as if they said it about myself. I was always proud when you accomplished something, or talked about what you wanted to do in the future, and i still am. You gave me the courage to think more of all the dreams i wanted to come true, and made me more determined to get them, after watching you get so far, through so much that might have held anyone else back. Although i hated it at times, i admired your stubborness, because it got you through difficult times, and if you had to get upset, you did it alone. It used to amaze me how strong you were. Being with you is so special to me that even now, when i actually stay awake long enough, i love watching you sleep, because if i ever woke up, and you vanished from my life, i would always have that picture in front of me, of the woman im in love with, sleeping beside me, peaceful and beautiful. In those moments, i know that if anything were to happen to you, it would kill me. When you fell out of that taxi outside your mums house, after collapsing, and i looked after you all night, it dawned on me that if i lost you in that way, id have nothing left in my life worth hanging onto.

Right now, i miss those nights beside you, feeling your skin and kissing the back of your shoulder while youre asleep, the feeling of being close to someone, making an impact on their life. Whatever one does, affecting the other, feeling vulnerable and secure at the same time. The most amazing "paradox of intimate human relations." There were always things i wanted to say to you, still do, but probably will never say them, because theyre embarrassing to say outside of a movie, or a novel, or maybe theyre just plain tacky, but i cant think of any other way to put the words, or frame the sentence. I want us to be living under the same roof again, although its only been a week, its not just the annoyance of arranging to see eachother, then having to return to separate houses, or not seeing Courtney, its just that it feel weird talking to you on the phone knowing that i wont be over inh an hour, or that ive just went into town for a while. I miss when we're both in a good mood and we say we love one another, and we both smile and give a quick hug, it always seems to make up for a crap day....I hope we get to be together again soon, if all this is sorted out, because i miss you at nights. Youre the one thing that makes breathing seem like a good idea. I love you Amanda, and im grateful for every day i get to spend with you, and i hope that one day, i make you feel as happy as you made me. You said recently that you dont deserve me. That i shouldnt stand by you through so much. But youve got it all wrong, its easy. And ill probably spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you.

Loving you always,

Michael

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