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EPISODE FOURTY-TWO
An Alternate Reality: Part III
Buckle your Bizzle Fo Shizzle...It's another Hen-tastic Adventure!
"I've been here before
People have a saying. ”Make the most of your life.” You hear it all the time. You hear it in every movie. You read it in every book. Have you ever actually stopped and tried to figure out how you can do what these forms of media are telling you what to do? At the age of 27, I’ve done a lot in my life. I’m living out my childhood dream as a wrestler, I’m making more money than I ever could have imagined. It really is beyond my wildest dreams. I wouldn’t change a thing. I regret absolutely nothing. Even the mistakes in my life; I don’t regret them. I have learned from them all, and they have ultimately made me a better person in many aspects. I can say that I have made the most of my life. Look at me, I am on top of the industry that I once only had hopes just to be a part of. Now I’m not just a part of the industry, I am the industry. I’m at the peak of the mountain, and I can honestly say that if I were to die right now, my life would be complete. What will be left of me when I do die? How will I have made my mark in life? It’s simple. Memories.
I am not Picasso. I am not Shakespeare. I don’t leave paintings or writings behind for when I’m gone. The only thing I have to offer you is memories. When I’m gone, the only thing you will have from me are is the memory of a great man. Some of you will have children, and show your kids old wrestling tapes of the Henster. They will love me, they will hate me—it doesn’t mater. My memory will live, and thus my life was worth it. I will be remembered by people in and out of the industry for many years. I will be remembered as the ultimate flag bearer for Superior Wrestling Federation. Since day one, I’ve done everything that was expected from me. People had doubts when I first stepped into Superior Wrestling Federation. They didn’t think I could duplicate the success I had in Insane Fantasy Wrestling. I am happy to report that it hasn’t been duplicated. It’s been succeeded.
When I was in IFW a year ago, I was good—I was damn good. No matter how good you get, there is always room for improvement. It wasn’t that clear to me one year ago. I thought I was at my prime. To my surprise, and to many others, I have stepped up the game even more. I have raised the bar even more in this industry. I realize now that there are no height restrictions for the bar that people set. Once you set the bar, it is bound to be raised again. Whether it is by someone else or whether it’s by you—it will be raised. The bar I set at Killing in the Name Of III is being raised. Make no mistake of that. Also, make no mistake that the bar isn’t being raised by Jeff Harris—it’s being raised by me. I will outdo myself once again, and I will once again have people talking about me. The bar that I set will be raised and I will be the one to raise it. It is without a shadow of a doubt.
So yes, memories live as you leave the world. I will be remembered as the man who raised the bar many times. I will be remembered as the man who took the highest expectations from people, and far exceeded those expectations. I am a man who makes the highest standard become inferior to what I do. I step it up when I have to, and now is one of those times. Now is one of those times to show Jeff Harris—to show the world—that once again, I can accomplish anything. I’ve already accomplished everything I said I was going to accomplish. Now there’s one more thing I have to do. I have to beat Jeff Harris—and I have to do it while raising the bar of the industry. I will accomplish this, and I will add another square to the quilt that is my career. My memory will live…and my victory at AMMUNATION will be a part of that memory. This is all I have to offer you when I am gone. Take it or leave it, my memory will live.
Episode 42: An Altrenate Reality: Part III
[[ The clock strikes midnight in the house of Hen's son and daughter. The living room is dark, except for the colors on the walls, beaming from the television set against the wall. A few feet away from the television, the Hen is laying on the couch, with a Power Rangers blanket pulled up to his chest. He looks at the TV with a dazed, glazed over look. ]]
The Hen: "Fuckin' Saved by the Bell...fuckin' Jeff Harris."
[[ Hen reaches into the open bag of Doritos on the coffee table in front of them. He grabs a handful, and shoves him in his mouth. The crunching can be heard, as he continues to watch. ]]
The Hen: "Fuckin' Mario Lopez. Nigga's hair is the greasy to the max."
[[ The screen on the television flashes blank for a second. ]]
The Hen: "The fuck?! WHO DOES KELLY CHOSE TO TAKE TO THE DANCE?! WHO DAMMIT?!"
[[ A voice over is heard from the television. ]]
We interupt this episode of Saved by the Bell for the Midnight News Update. The Hen: "Something else besides Saved by the Bell?! Thank the lord." This Sunday will mark the 30th anniversary of Jeff Harris' World Title win, and the 30th anniversary of the first time someone actually watched one of his promos without slipping in and out of conciousness. The Hen: "fuckin' Jeff Harris." In honor of the 30th Anniversary, President Jeff Harris is making this Sunday an official holiday. It will be called 'Jeff Harris Day'. A ceremony will be taken place, and people will honor Jeff Harris with written essays on why he is so great. The Hen: "Since when do people write essays on a man who makes a great cup of coffee?" In other news, President Jeff Harris has just signed a legislative bill that will lift the ban off of child pornography. Harris commented, saying that if they have pubes, then they should be allowed to play with the lubes. The Hen: "He has a point there!" Many returns to the wrestling ring tonight, as Kyle Broadway has join his 378th promotion. He's starting a new, fresh campaign called "Fuck a (Insert Fed Name here)." Kyle Broadway is famous for his out of character comments, and the scandal from ten years ago, when he got caught admitting his true love for Pete Ebdon. The Hen: "I KNEW IT! I knew that nigga had a crush on Ebby." We would just like to say that we love Jeff Harris, and he is our hero. Where would we be without him? His promos are exciting, entertaining, and they keep you awake like coffee. Happy 30th Anniversary, Jeff Harris. May Ranma bless you. And now back to the show... The Hen: "Fuckin' JESUS! Suck-ass!" [[ Jennifer Junior Junior walks into the room, wearing her Powerpuff Girl Pajamas, dragging a blanket as she walks. She looks at Hen, and Hen looks back. ]] Jennifer Junior Junior: "Grandpa.." The Hen: "What's up, beeyotch?" Jennifer Junior Junior: "I can't go to sleep." The Hen: "Whenever I get sleepy I look at a Jeff Harris promo." Jennifer Junior Junior: "We don't have any of those." The Hen: "Well, perhaps you'd like me to sing you a song." Jennifer Junior Junior: "Okay." The Hen: "No wait, we got enough songs from Jeff Harris' promos. They have the lyrics to whole songs, you know." Jennifer Junior Junior: "How original!" The Hen: "I know, right? You should probably go to bed now. I need to jack off." Jennifer Junior Junior: "Yeah, I have to get up early for work tomorrow." The Hen: "Work? You're only like 12 years old." Jennifer Junior Junior: "We have to work long hours every day, and we don't even see a dime of the money." The Hen: "What? Where does the money go?" Jennifer Junior Junior: "Taxes. We have to pay a National Coffee tax." The Hen: "Who the hell spends that much money on coffee? Oh, this IS Jeff Harris we're talking about." Jennifer Junior Junior: "Do you want to go to my work with me tomorrow?" The Hen: "Yes, I need to see these working conditions. Where do you work at?" Jennifer Junior Junior: "A sweat shop. It just merged with a whore house. So now we're going to be having sex while making shoes." The Hen: "Ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous." Jennifer Junior Junior: "It's not bad." The Hen: "Don't worry about it. Go to bed, I'll see you in the morning." Jennifer Junior Junior: "G'night, Grandpa." The Hen: "Goodnight, sweety." [[ Jennifer Junior Junior walks away, and Hen sighs. ]] The Hen: "At first, I thought she was some kind of sick freak, but now I see the soft side in her. I see the child in her. She is forced to work at a whore house sweat shop, and for what? For coffee money? I am more determined than ever now, god dammit! I must overthrow Jeff Harris, at ALL costs. Even if it costs my my damn life, and I'd never be able to go back to present time, it'd still be worth it. He must be stopped." [[ Hen digs his finger up his nostril. ]] The Hen: "Fuckin' boogers." [[ He takes his finger out, which is covered with green, stringy snot. He puts his finger in his mouth and slurps it all up. ]] The Hen: "Jesus, I'm fucking disgusting...and I will save the world."
THE JEFF HARRIS TOWER, WASHINGTON DC [[ The Lord Zed music from Power Rangers is played over the footage of the tall and intimidating looking Jeff Harris Tower. Lightning cracks right before the camera goes from the outside into the interior. We see a shadowy figure, standing behind a curtain. The desk in front of the curtain has 'JEFF HARRIS' written on the name plate. ]] Jeff Harris: "GOD DAMMIT! What the hell are these RUMORS I hear?" [[ Jeff Harris puts his arm out of the curtain, and presses a button on the intercom on his desk. ]] Jeff Harris: "Nancy, get in here RIGHT NOW!" [[ Nancy answers back on the intercom. ]] Nancy: "Yes sir, I'll be right there sir! PLEASE DONT KILL ME!" [[ Nancy enters the room, dressed in a full black suit with white lines. She adjusts her tie and looks at Jeff Harris who is still behind the curtain. ]] Nancy: "What can I do for you, Mr. President?" Jeff Harris: "What can you do for me? You can tell me why the hell a time machine was found in Niggeria. You can tell me why the hell Rooster has a younger Rooster with him. You can tell me why the hell I have a suspicion that THE HEN is here from the past! And most importantly, you can tell me WHY THE HELL DON'T PEOPLE ENJOY MY PROMOS?!" Nancy: "The Hen is here?!" Jeff Harris: "SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!" [[ A loud boom is heard as flames come up at the sides of the desk. ]] Jeff Harris: "Find him, and destroy him." Nancy: "I will find him, sir." Jeff Harris: "Do not fail me, Nancy. I do not tolerate failure." Nancy: "Yes sir." Jeff Harris: "By the way...I thought I told you to go get breast reduction surgery." Nancy: "I did! I'm an A cup now!" Jeff Harris: "GET RID OF THE BOOBIES AT ONCE!" [[ Nancy runs off as Harris throws a glass at her. The flames bounce up once again, as Jeff Harris cackles loudly. ]] Jeff Harris: "I'm so fucking cool." [[ Harris then pops in his jamacian, raggae music and begins bebopin' to the beat. He licks his lips. ]] Jeff Harris: "Destiny..."
[[ It's 4 o'clock in the morning now at the house-hold of Hen's future family. It's still dark outside, and the Hen is still sleeping on the couch. He is suddenly awaked as the room is flooded with light. ]] The Hen: "AHH!" [[ Hen looks over at the wall where Jennifer Junior Junior is standing by the light switch. ]] The Hen: "It's 4AM.." JJJ: "Yeah, it's time to get ready for work!" The Hen: "I changed my mind, go away." Jennifer Junior Junior: "What?" [[ Soft crying begins, and Hen frowns. ]] The Hen: "Fine, okay! I'll still go. What's for breakfast?" [[ Jennifer Junior Junior pulls down her pajama bottoms and Hen's eyes grow wide. ]] Jennifer Junior Junior: "PUSSY BRAN! WITH TWO SCOOPS OF CLITOROUS!" The Hen: "God dammit, just when I thought that maybe you were a little normal--you totally prove me wrong." Jennifer Junior Junior: "I'll go get the milk!" [[ Jennifer Junior Junior runs off, and Henry Junior walks into the room. He sits down on the couch next to Hen. ]] Henry Junior: "How's it going, dad?" The Hen: "Oh great, your daughter wants me to eat her out." [[ Henry Junior laughs. ]] Henry Junior: "That a girl...that a girl." The Hen: "You encourage these acts of grossness?" Henry Junior: "I have a saying. If it tastes fresh, why deny the best?" The Hen: "I have a saying. YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT!" Henry Junior: "What?" The Hen: "I didn't raise you to become like this!" Henry Junior: "Actually, you did." The Hen: "What?" Henry Junior: "After you lost your match with Jeff Harris, you left your religion and created a new one based on incest." The Hen: "Why would I do something like that? Henry Junior: "I don't know. Mom says you went crazy after you lost your World Championship." The Hen: "Son of a bitch. The whole world is messed up." Henry Junior: "If you want to see a mess, you should see Jennifer Junior Junior for breakfast when it's pancake day! You ever had clitorous drenched in maple syrup? It's real sweet tasting." The Hen: "How big did this incest religion get to be?" Henry Junior: "It's the national religion of the United States. Everyone does incest." The Hen: "Even dogs?" Henry Junior: "Of course. You never seen a dog fuck it's mother before? It's very arousing." The Hen: "Why did Jeff Harris make my religion the national religion?" Henry Junior: "He claimed it was his idea, so he gets all the credit for it." The Hen: "Thief! Well hell, I don't even want to be known for creating Incestism." Henry Junior: "Our whole family is proud of you, dad. Even though you lost your World Title, you never lost our respect." The Hen: "Don't worry, I won't have to worry about any of that soon. Soon I will be back in my present time, and I'll make sure I win that match. I must prevent a world of Jeff Harris regimes and incest." Henry Junior: "The world isn't as bad as it seems." [[ The two sit there for a second, and the couch's legs give out. Hen and Henry Junior are sitting on the floor, looking at eachother. ]] Henry Junior: "That was just a coincidence." The Hen: "It was an appropriate one, none the less." [[ Jennifer Junior Junior walks back into the room, with a leather top on. She's wearing crotchless panties. She stands in front of Hen and Henry Junior, who are still sitting on the floor. Henry Junior looks up in her skirt, and Hen just lowers his head in disgust. ]] Jennifer Junior Junior: "Look Grandpa! It's my new outfit for work today!" Henry Junior: "Isn't she georgous, dad?" The Hen: "She's your daughter! She's my grandaughter!" Henry Junior: "You can't deny that you would hit that shit." The Hen: "She's fucking TWELVE!" Henry Junior: "Yes, and she's nice and tight down there." The Hen: "Fuck this shit, I'm out of here." [[ Hen gets up. ]] Jennifer Junior Junior: "Where are you going?! You said you're going to go to work with me!" The Hen: "Fuck your work, and fuck this whole family. I am ashamed to even be related to you sick fucks." Henry Junior: "That's the spirit!" [[ The Henster walks away from the two, and exits out the door. He's now on a street, which is dead and empty. Newspapers fly by as, Hen tries to keep his hair from flying in the wind. He looks around. ]] The Hen: "This place is like a waste land. How could the country go so far down hill in only 30 years?" [[ Hen notices a beat down taxi cab strolling down the road. He raises his arm in the air, and the taxi pulls over next to him. He gets in the back passanger seat, and lets out a sigh of relief. ]] The Hen: "Thank god, a taxi. Take me somewhere." [[ The cab driver turns his head, and is none other than Future Rooster. ]] The Hen: "What the hell? Where have you been?!" Future Rooster: "You took the teleporter dumbass! We had to fly back over here to get your ass!" The Hen: "How did it go with Bernie Mac?" Future Rooster: "He wants you, dead or alive." The Hen: "He wants me? That nigga is gay?" Future Rooster: "And the FBI and CIA have been notified of your possible presence. Harris wants you too." The Hen: "Are there any women who want me?" Future Rooster: "This is serious, Hen. Everyone is on the look out for you. Harris is offering a big reward." The Hen: "What is it?" Future Rooster: "A Snickers Fun Size." The Hen: "What?! A little piece of candy?" Future Rooster: "Yeah, but chocolate bars have been outlawed. He doesn't like anything that has the same color as coffee." The Hen: "Oh." Future Rooster: "Yep, I almost want to turn you in. That Snickers Fun Size sounds pretty damn good." The Hen: "Why do they call the smaller ones 'FUN SIZE.' What's so fun about having a candy bar the size of Jeff Harris' penis?" Future Rooster: "I know Hen, I know." The Hen: "They need to fix that shit. Rename it to ITTY BITTY LIKE JEFF HARRIS' PENIS SIZE, or something." Future Rooster: "Or Triple H's Testicles Size." The Hen: "Haha, nice. So where are we going?" Future Rooster: "We're going back to the Hen Force One. Now we have to find a different source for support if we even hope to overthrow Jeff Harris." The Hen: "Can we get some gum? I have a bad taste in my mouth...tastes like...pussy." Future Rooster: "Your grand daughter probably put your tongue in her while you were asleep last night." The Hen: "What?! EWWW!" Future rooster: "Okay, we'll go get you some gum." The Hen: "Put a STEP ON IT!" [[ After a few minutes, the car parks at a curb, near a mass of people. ]] The Hen: "Dang, it's good to see all these people here." Future Rooster: "This is the only shop for miles, and it's heavily raided by law enforcement. You need to just stay in here while I get the gum. If they see you, we're fucked. So keep a low profile, and don't bring attention to yourself." The Hen: "Got ya." Future Rooster: "I'm serious." The Hen: "Okay nigger, go!" [[ Future Rooster gets out of the car, and approaches the people. Hen notices that Rooster's wallet is sitting on the seat he got up from. ]] The Hen: "It must have fallen out of his pocket. I should go give it to him really quick. He told me to stay put though. What if he takes too long to come back and get it?! I really want that gum! On the other hand, I can get caught and go to jail. But on the other hand, I'll have to wait longer for gum. Why am I even arguing about this? It's obvious on which decision is the right one to make." [[ Hen picks up the wallet and gets out of the car. He shouts. ]] The Hen: "HEY FUTURE ROOSTER! YOU LEFT YOUR WALLET IN THE CAR NIGGA!" [[ A few people look over at Hen. ]] The Hen: "Oh shit. Think, Hen think. How can I get them to think I am not Hen...Aha!" [[ Hen whistles loudly, and now everyone in the crowd looks over. ]] The Hen: "ATTENTION! I just want to say for the record, I AM NOT THE HEN! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I AM THE HEN! Thank you, go about your business." [[ Loud commotion is heard, and they are all pointing at the Hen and talking. ]] The Hen: "DON'T POINT AT ME! DON'T POINT AT THE KING OF COOLNESS!" "King of Coolness?! It's Hen!" The Hen: "Oops, maybe that gave it away." [[ Hen thinks to himself for a second. ]] The Hen: "NO! I AM NOT THE KING OF COOLNESS! I am...AH FUCK!" [[ Everyone begins to run towards the Hen. ]] The Hen: "Looks like I'm going to be attacked by a big mob!" "Get him! SNICKERS FUN SIZE! OH BOY!" Future Rooster: "Hen! You idiot!" [[ Hen and Future Rooster quickly get in the car, and it takes off down the road. Future Rooster sighs and looks at Hen through the rear-view mirror. ]] Future Rooster: "I thought I told you to stay put!" The Hen: "You forgot your wallet though!" Future Rooster: "I was on my way back to get it!" The Hen: "YOU WERE TAKING TOO LONG!" Future Rooster: "Was it worth GETTING THE ATTENTION OF EVERYONE?!" The Hen: "Did you get the gum?" Future Rooster: "No." The Hen: "Then I guess it wasn't worth it." Future Rooster: "They probably have our vehicle identified already. This is going to be a tough one to get out of, Hen." The Hen: "Let's go to the 8Ball's Spray Shop." Future Rooster: "What?" The Hen: "Remember Grand Theft Auto?" Future Rooster: "Oh yeah, hell yeah. We used to play that shit all night." The Hen: "Those were good times." Future Rooster: "They were until you picked up a hooker in the game, and then pulled out your shit and started beating it." The Hen: "They were hot!" Future Rooster: "They're made out of polygons." The Hen: "Yes, they were shaped very nicely." Future Rooster: "Don't even get me started on when you'd pop in Tomb Raider." The Hen: "Or when I popped in WWE Smackdown...good jack-off sessions right there." Future Rooster: "You jacked off to a wrestling game?" The Hen: "Doesn't everyone?" Future Rooster: "Are you gay?" The Hen: "Shut up and just drive." Future Rooster: "Well I think we might be in the clear. Let's turn on the radio." [[ Rooster turns on the radio, and sirens wailing are heard. ]] The Hen: "SHIT! WE'RE BUSTED!" Future Rooster: "Nah, that's just the radio commercial." Did your heart just beat from those sirens? The Hen: "Yes, fuck yes it did." THEN SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! This has been a message from the DMV. And now back to Jeff Harris Radio. The Hen: "Jeff Harris Radio?" Future Rooster: "Yep, it's the only radio station on the air." And now, we have System of a Down, singing "Harris." The Hen: "There's a song for Jeff Harris made by System of a Down?" Future Rooster: "Yes, and it has their best lyrics yet!" JEFFFFF HAAAARRISSSS....JEEEHHHHEHHHHHEHHHHEEEEHHHF HARRISISISIS! JEFF-HARRIS-JEFF-HARRIS-JEFF-HARRISSSSS!!!! The Hen: "Lyrical geniuses." Future Rooster: "Should we show the whole lyrics?" The Hen: "Nah, this isn't a Jeff Harris promo." [[ Once again, sirens are heard wailing. ]] The Hen: "Do they play that commercial a lot?" Future Rooster: "Nah, that's real sirens." The Hen: "Oh." [[ After a few seconds, Hen and Future Rooster scream. ]] The Hen: "SHIT!!" Future Rooster: "They're on to us! Hen! There's a blanket on that seat! Lay down on the floor and cover yourself with it right now!" The Hen: "Allright man!" [[ Hen rolls down to the floor of the taxi, and puts the blanket over him. ]] The Hen: "This blanket kind of stinks." Future Rooster: "Oh sorry, that's not a blanket. That's my towel for when I shower." The Hen: "AHHH!" [[ Hen throws the towel off. ]] Future Rooster: "No you fool! Put it back on!" The Hen: "But it smells like ass crack!" Future Rooster: "And ball sweat?" The Hen: "Fucking disgusting." Future Rooster: "Shh, I'm pulling over. Just take a deep breath and put it on your face." The Hen: "I think I'm going to be sick." [[ Hen puts the towel back on him, and Rooster pulls the car over to the side of the road. ]] Future Rooster: "Don't make ANY noise, I can get us out of this." The Hen: "Fo shizzle." [[ The cop car behind Rooster stops, and a uniformed, male police officer gets out. He walks to the driver's side of the car, and approaches the window, where Future Rooster is sitting, smiling. ]] Future Rooster: "Can I help you Ociffer? AHH! I MEAN OFFICER!" The Hen: "Nice going, dumbass." Police Officer: "What was that?" Future Rooster: "That was just the radio! Anyway, what's the problem, Officer?" Police Officer: "We have reports that a taxi like this one is driving around with the Hen insie." Future Rooster: "The Hen? Didn't he die a while ago?" Police Officer: "According to reports, the Hen is back from the past. We are offering a Snickers Fun Size if someone can turn him in." Future Rooster: "Well, as you can plainly see, there is no Hen in my taxi." Police Officer: "THERE'S HEN RIGHT THERE!" Future Rooster: "AHHH I'M SORRY!" [[ The Officer points to a chicken sitting on the backseat. ]] Future Rooster: "Oh, that. Hehheh. There's no former wrestler The Hen in this taxi." Police Officer: "OH REALLY?! WHAT'S THAT!" [[ The Officer points to a man who is sitting in the back seat. ]] Future Rooster: "Oh, that's not Hen. That's Rik Kendell." Police Officer: "Is there a difference?" Rik Kendell: "This is a taxi right? Take me to the Happy Gentlemen's club." Future Rooster: "Get the fuck out of my car." Rik Kendell: "Yes sir." [[ Kendell leaves, and Future Rooster looks back at the officer. ]] Rooster: "Well, is that all, Officer?" Police Officer: "There is clearly no Hen in this vehicle. Sorry to bother you sir, you may proceed." The Hen: "Holy shit, I found a nickel!" Police Officer: "WHO'S VOICE WAS THAT? UNDER THE TOWEL! FREEZE!!!" [[ The Officer pulls out his gun and aims it directly at Future Rooster's head. ]] Future Rooster: "That's one of those teddy bears you know...ones that talk." The Hen: "Fo shizzle." Police Officer: "TAKE THE TOWEL OFF THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW!" Future Rooster: "But--" Police Officer: "Chop chop FAT BOY! Remove that shit!" Future Rooster: "Dammit.." [[ Rooster lifts up the towel, and Hen is laying down, smiling. ]] The Hen: "How are you Officer?" Police Officer: "Both of you, out the car." The Hen: "You didn't say please." [[ The Officer fires a shot, and it hits the back right tire. The car goes down, and Hen hits his head on the floor. ]] The Hen: "Ouch! Okay, we'll get out." [[ Hen and Rooster get out of the car, and the Officer is still pointing his gun at them. ]] Future Rooster: "You know Officer, if you let us go...we can give you something very satisfying in return. Right, Hen?" The Hen: "That's right!" [[ The Police Officer lifts his eyebrow and licks his lips. ]] Police Officer: "Really?" The Hen: "Yeah, I'll give you a nickel!" [[ Hen holds out the nickel he found on the floor. ]] Police Officer: "Hmm, let me think about that for a second--" [[ The Officer fires his gun, and the bullet knocks the nickel out of his hand. Hen drops his jaw in shock. ]] The Hen: "THAT NICKEL NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU, ASSHOLE!" Police Officer: "Shut the fuck up. I'm going to be famous! I captured the Hen!" The Hen: "Famous? Is that what you really want?" Police Officer: "I don't want the fame...I just want that fucking Snickers Fun Size!" The Hen: "I got a weiner KING SIZE if you want to taste that candy." [[ The Police Officer pulls out his walkie talkie. ]] Police Officer: "Attention, I have the Hen and Rooster in custody. Requesting a vehicle to detain them in." The Hen: "Hey bitch, his name is FUTURE Rooster!" Future Rooster: "All because you had to open your mouth..." The Hen: "I was just so excited, dammit. It's not everyday you find a nickel!" Future Rooster: "DO YOU EVER DIG IN YOUR COUCH?!" The Hen: "There's no need to yell, let's be calm." Future Rooster: "You idiot, we're going to be sentenced to DEATH!" The Hen: "Really?" Future Rooster: "Yes." [[ Hen looks over at the Police Officer. ]] The Hen: "Really?" Police Officer: "Yes." [[ Hen looks at the camera. ]] The Hen: "Really?" Studio Audience: "YES!" The Hen: "Damn, that sucks to the MIZZAX!" [[ Within seconds, Police Cruisers are circled around the taxi and the original police car. A big, armored police van parks close by. ]] Future Rooster: "Looks like we're going to the big house." The Hen: "Big Momma's House?" Future Rooster: "Just shut up." Police Officer: "Get in the van." The Hen: "Wait man, you haven't read us our rights!" Police Officer: "Oh, how could I forget that? You have the right to SHUT THE FUCK UP! You have the right to worhsip Jeff Harris. Anything you say or do can and will be inferior to whatever Jeff Harris does. Jeff Harris is sexy." The Hen: "The hell? I said read me my rights bitch! Not suck up to Jeff Harris!" Future Rooster: "Those are your rights, Harris had those revised into that." The Hen: "Oh." Police Officer: "Excuse me, I said you have the right to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Now get the hell in the van!" [[ The Hen and Future Rooster comply, and step into the back of the van. The door is slammed shut on them. Inside, the Hen and Future Rooster sit down. They notice a man sitting on a bench across from them. ]] The Hen: "What are you in for?" Man: "2nd degree murder...appearantly one of my promos made someone kill themselves." The Hen: "Ned Norseman?!" Man: "Yeah, it's me." Future Rooster: "You haven't aged a bit. You look fresh like your promos!" Man: "Thank you." The Hen: "So how soon are we going to die, Rooster?" Future Rooster: "Just shut up, Hen. I didn't want to die this way. When you first came with me to the future, I thought there would be a glimmer of hope for humanity. Of course, I forgot that I was believing in you. You only destroy humanity more." The Hen: "Aww, that's really sweet." Future Rooster: "Have you been listening to a word I said?!" The Hen: "I think I heard 'Hen' in it." Future Rooster: "Well, it's off to the slammer for us." The Hen: "Why do they call it the slammer anyway?" Future Rooster: "You'll find out when a big, black guy's balls are going to be slamming against your ass." The Hen: "Oh yeah." Future Rooster: "Looks like we're here." [[ Hen looks through the back window, and sees a gigantic building, looking like it's made out of red, rusted, metal. Dark clouds circle the building, and there are barbed wire fences this high. ]] The Hen: "You fucker! You said it would be a 'big house.'" Future Rooster: "It was a metaphor, Hen." The Hen: "A metaphor that got my hopes up." [[ The doors to the van open, and several heavily armed men are pointing their AK-47s inside. ]] Armed Man #1: "GET OUT!" The Hen: "No, really." Armed Man #2: "GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE I RAM YOUR ASS FULL OF LEAD!" The Hen: "Are these guys gay, Future Rooster? They're talking about sticking pencils up my ass or some shit." P> Future Rooster: "Just get out.." [[ Hen and Future Rooster hop out of the van, and the armed men take them into custody. They walk into the building, and the men begin taking off their clothes. ]] The Hen: "Hey hey, I like where this is heading!" [[ One of the Armed Men pulls out a knife. ]] The Hen: "On second thought, scratch that." Future Rooster: "They chop off your penises when you go to jail nowadays, unless it passes the 8 inch requirement." The Hen: "Well, well. Good thing I meet the requirement!" Armed Man #2: "This Hen guy measures in at 2.5 inches." The Hen: "WHAT?!" Armed Man #1: "Cut it off." The Hen: "SAY WHAAAAAAA?!" Future Rooster: "Haha, you small dicked bastard." The Hen: "No, wait! I have it rolled up! Let me just unroll it here..." THUD! Armed Man #1: "Holy fucking shit Bob, you see this? It just hit the ground!" Armed Man #2: "Fuckin' eh, he just put a dent in the concrete with that beast!" The Hen: "So you're not going to cut it off?" Armed Man #2: "Of course not! Who would cut off that beauty?" Armed Man #1: "That'd be like cutting off air to our lungs!" The Hen: "Okay, you guys are a little gay." Armed Man #1: "Okay, Roosters |
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