FROM SIM WITH SHELONEI AS DOC AND VICKIE AS HOBBIE

There was a tootling sound from within the quarters, and the door slid open. Wily rolled back and 'eyed' Hobbie curiously.

The Ralltiirian narrowed his eyes and looked at the droid. "Oh, it's you. Where's 'Manda?" he swayed slightly where he stood.

The droid beeped worriedly, then rolled back a few more paces so that Hobbie could enter. It swiveled it's dome toward where the bedroom was.

He looked around the room. There were boxes half-unpacked, scattered about the living-area, along with a few empty bottles set here and there, speaking of a party of sorts having taken place. The room was nice and spacy. Stumbling deftly among the boxes, he somehow made it to the door. By now, his vision was beginning to clear, and he tried to palm the door open, but it was locked.

The green astromech tootled worriedly up at him as he followed the drunk pilot.

Hobbie looked down and put a finger to his lips. "Shhh, not s'loud. She mus' be 'sleep. C'n you let me in?"

Wily seemed to regard him for a moment. "Please, dome head."

The droid blatted indignantly at the comment.

"I need t'talk t'her. I's a matter of life 'n' death. My life an' my death."

Wily whistled alarmingly at the end of Hobbie's statement, and jacked into the small dataport beneath the panel to open the door. In moments, the door was unlocked, and it slid open.

"Than's li'l one.... I owe you an oil bath."

He stumbled through the doorway, light from the hallway and livingroom pouring through it almost tangeable against the darkness of the bedroom. Anreson lay, still fully clothed in her dark grey flightsuit and boots, sprawled on her bed atop the covers. Several whisky and lum bottles, empty, were strewn on the floor around the bed, mostly concentrated at the foot thereof. Seeing her, especially like this, saddened him. He knew he was the cause of her being upset, and that only made him feel worse.

Wily tootled a good luck to Hobbie, and backed up to his 'sentry' position, leaving the door open.

Slowly he moved in, watching her sleeping form. She was so beautiful, and his heart ached that they couldn't be together. His foot kicked a bottle, and he stopped.

She moaned in her sleep, her brow furrowed in dreaming.

He froze when he heard her soft voice, the plaintive sound pained him. "You're such an idiot, Derek," he quietly chided himself. Being more careful, he moved to the side of her bed.

Above the bed were several holos. He looked at them closely. One was taken on, what looked like, Ralltiir. It was a family with Amanda among them. She was teenaged, and just as beautiful as she was now. The strange thing was, everyone else in the holo was blonde.

The next holo was of her as a child, somwhere in the neighbourhood of seven or eight, with a short, redheaded friend standing beside her. He reached out to touch it, a smile coming to his face. Her beauty spanned time.

Beside that, was a holo of Amanda, only a few years younger than she currently was, amid several medics. He recognized a few as ones who'd cared for him between Hoth and Endor, but he couldn't recall their names, nor whether he'd seen any of them since then.

With a sigh, he lowered himself to sit on the bed beside her sleeping form. Her forehead was furrowed, her lips tight, as though she were experiencing a deep pain, or sorrow. Tears came to his eyes as he reached over to gently brush her hair back from her face. "Oh Amanda.... I'm sorry I have put you through all this."

A tear slid from her eye as her face turned unconsciously toward his touch. He gently brushed it away as his own fell. "Anyway, I... I've been thinking and...." He paused to swipe the tear from his cheek, "I just had to tell you that I love you."

There was a shuddering sigh, and her pained look lessened as though his words had penetrated her nightmare... and comfourted her.

His hand lay on the side of her face, his thumb lightly stroking her cheekbone. "But... as much as I love you, I don't want to get hurt either. I know I told you I'd give you all the time you needed, but this waiting is already killing me." He closed his eyes and let out a shuddering sigh. "I wish I could understand what you're thinking, but I can't. All I know is that I love you."

His eyes stayed closed as he spoke. "I will always love you." He paused again. "You were right that Rogues die. We never know when it will happen. I was hoping that, maybe, before I die I could have some happiness in my life. You came along and I thought my hopes and dreams had come true. Now, I'm not so sure."

He shook his head and sighed. "I was hoping that you'd let me love you, and that you even might love me back. I wish I knew..." his voice trailed off as he opened his eyes to look at her.

"Don' disappear too, Derek..." she mumbled in her sleep, the pained look returning.

Her reply wrung his heart. She was listening, at least partially. "Amanda.... I don't want to disappear. I want to be with you, but... you have to let me in."

She whimpered and turned onto her side, in sleep, to face him, her leg knocking something off from the bed to the floor. Out of curiosity, he leaned down to pick up what had fallen. It was a datacard, addressed to Amanda from Wedge. Judging from it's look, he knew what sort of message it contained. It was one that Wedge always hated sending.

As he sat back up, he noticed a holo beside the bed. With a shaking hand, he picked it up.

The image was of Amanda, on the right, with a tall, regal looking man on the left. They were in some sort of medic room, both wearing lab coats. He didn't notice much detail, he focused on the couple. They were kissing, and the man looked very familiar. "Ton Phanan," he whispered.

When he went to set the holo back down, something fell from the back. Picking it up, he noticed it was a letter on flimsy, addressed to Amanda. Curiosity got the better of him, and he opened the oft re-folded piece of flimsy.

He read the words written so long ago by a man he knew only in passing. That man had loved Amanda, and she obviously loved him. His eyes moved to the datacard. It was still sealed. She hadn't known about Ton's death, "Oh sith... Amanda...."

The pieces began to fall together. No wonder she couldn't love him. All these years, she had thought her true love was still alive, and that he would come back. But now.... Now he guessed she could love no one. He folded the letter and put it back behind the holo. The datacard, he set on the table.

He turned back to Amanda, looking down at her soft face. "It's all so clear now. I understand. I'm not going to disappear, I will try to be the best friend you could ever have. It will hurt that I can't love you, but you can always count on me. Ol' reliable Hobbie." He sighed, "That's me." He reached out and brushed her cheek.

"Derek..." she whispered in her sleep. "I need...." There was the shuddering sigh of one who had spent a long time crying. "I love you..." she mumbled in a whisper from her dreams.

"Perhaps," he said sadly. "Maybe deep down somewhere, but here on the surface... I doubt it." He leaned down to gently kiss her cheek. "I'll love you always, Amanda Anreson."

A tear fell from her eyes as they fluttered open. She'd been passed out from drink but, somehow, somehow she had woken up. It was as though she'd been pulled to wakefulness. She looked up at Hobbie, "Derek?" she whispered.

He saw she had awakened, and it startled him. He scrambled to stand and fell on the floor. She moved slightly, and sat up. Holding her throbbing head, she looked down to where he was on the floor. "You 'kaay?"

Quickly, he began to crawl back to the door. "I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

Panic gripped her heart, "No!" she said quickly, holding a hand out to him in her daze, as though grasping for a lifeline.

He ran into the wall and stopped, his heart racing, adrenaline pumping through his veins. "Amanda... I... I can't replace him."

She looked at him confusedly, tears beginning to rise in her heart again. "I don' unnerstan'...."

He looked at her curiously. "I know about Ton," he said quietly, sitting as still as he could, as though not to frighten her.

"Did Myn tell you?" she asked quietly, withrawing slightly. "Or was it Mike... or Wes...." She looked down, hugging herself, "or Tycho," she whispered near-inaudibly.

He shook his head, which was a huge mistake as it began to throb. "No, none of them. I just.... I came to talk to you and... I saw the holo." His eyes drifted to her bedstand, where it stood.

"Now you know why I'm afraid," she whispered as she looked openly at him in her sleepy loss of caution.

"Now I know why you can't love me." His eyes met hers, deep sadness hiding behind them.

Her eyes widened in a form of horror. "No, NO, that's not it!" tears fell freely once more. "It's why I'm afraid for you to love me," she finished quietly.

He pushed himself to his feet and went to sit on the edge of the bed. "I don't think I understand. I wouldn't leave you, ever."

She sat, looking at a space on the blanket between them. "I've cheated death too many times. I... might not be able to again. I don't want you to feel like me...." She paused. "Win too many hands of Sabacc, and then you'll lose in a big way," she whispered.

He looked at her, "You and I.... We are so much alike."

She looked up at him, her eyes taking a moment to focus. "What do you mean?"

Chuckling ruefully, he told her. "I've probably cheated death more times than you. I know there'll be a time when I don't come back. I also know it'll hurt a lot of people when it happens, but that doesn't distract me from living now. I don't dwell on that."

She smirked slightly. "Well, you've got age, experience, and reason on your side.... Pretty much all of that's fled me, as of late." She sighed, dropping her gaze back to the space between them.

"So, you've lost your reason for living?"

She shook her head. "No. My reason for living is in keeping other people alive as much as I can. I made a vow to do that when Moniquae was killed."

His brow furrowed. "Moniquae?"

Amanda turned and pointed to the holo of two little girls, around eight years of age. One was tall and thin, with dark pigtails that fell to just beneath her jawline. The other was a redheaded girl, much shorter, with shortish hair. "The redhead's Moniquae... she died two days after the holo was taken. We were running through a rainstorm when I saw something on the ground and stooped to see what it was. Just before I stood to show her, she was.... Struck by lightning," she finished quietly, still looking at the holo. "Shoulda been me."

After a moment, she turned, again looking at a space on the blanket. "That's why I don't like thunderstorms...."

He sat, silently listening. Losing friends was something he understood. He thought about sliding closer to her, holding her in his arms. He wanted to be near her.

"When I was older, I begged and pleaded to go to Rudrig early for my freshman classes. I wanted time to get things ready, to meet the professors.... I turned down a trip with Adam and Kevin over to Tion..." her voice trailed off.

He swallowed hard. "When was this?" he asked quietly.

"That's when they died in the attack," she whispered.

His shoulders dropped. "I... I'm sorry."

"Come to think of it.... Everyone in those holos is gone, except Mom and Dad - and to be honest, I'm not really even sure they're still around...." She shrugged. "One of 'em must still be alive, cause I haven't been sent the box yet," she picked at pieces of lint on the blanket between them.

"Maybe you should go visit."

She shook her head, "I can't."

"Why?" he knew he was presing where he shouldn't, but he really wanted to know.

"I haven't been back since Adam and Kevin died... and.... I don't want to hurt them."

"Why would you hurt them?"

"I'd remind them of their real children, and that they're gone...."

He shook his head. Maybe the alcohol was fogging it, but he thought she'd said, "Real children?"

"Yeah, not some abandoned waif they found on their doorstep," she frowned, still not looking up.

Things really were starting to fall into place for him now. He was beginning to understand her more and more. Looking up at the picture, he could see a family. Not a family with an outsider, but a complete family. "I don't think you'd hurt them."

She shrugged, and he nodded to the holo. "See that? That is the holo of a loving family. Reminds me of Wedge's holos of his family."

She looked back at the holo of herself with the Anresons family. "I guess so.... That was taken less than a month before I turned fourteen..." she said quietly.

He was beginning to make another connection. He was willing to bet that every single one of those holos was taken shortly before the people in them had died. "Amanda, I'm willing to bet that all the people in those holos love, or loved, you more than you'll ever know." I so wish you would just let yourself go. Please, let me love you. Hobbie sighed and looked at the chrono beside the bed. It was after six.

She looked back up at him, and then back down at the bed, slightly rocking herself as the tears fell. She would not let herself weep. She was afraid that if she started sobbing again, she'd never stop.

"I want to be your friend," he said quietly. "That is, if you'll let me." I want to be more, but I know that isn't possible anymore. He looked at her expectantly. She looked so young, so lost and helpless now.

Slowly, she looked up at him, the tears falling. She couldn't not say what she was thinking, it was as though she were compelled to speak the words, "But only my friend?"

"Please don't cry," he spoke in a barely audible whisper. He reached out to brush away the tears. "There isn't more I can be."

She pressed her cheek into his hand and closed her eyes. "But I love you..." she whispered. Finally she gave in to the tears and wept.

She looked like a lost kaht, broken, afraid and... and Lonely. He froze, feeling her warm cheek against the palm of his hand. Was his hand shaking? She had actually said the three words he longed to hear.

She brought her hands up to cover her eyes as she wept. Are you happy now? Looks like you succeeded in pushing him away, Amanda.

Sliding closer to her, he pulled her into his arms. One hand brushed back her hair. "I.... I love you, too."

She collapsed into his arms, crying her heart out. Her being flooded in a near feeling of relief. She was growing to love him, and he actually loved her still no matter how much she'd tried to push him away. Maybe, just maybe....

He held her close, not wanting to let go, relief washing over them both. Perhaps he had opened a door into her wall. Maybe he'd even knocked it down some. Whatever had happened, he was glad it did.

She had been right, she couldn't stop crying, and she wept as light cracked through the fortress wall she'd built around herself as she cried herself to sleep in her love's arms.

He felt her weight settle in his arms. She had to be exhausted, he was a bit tired himself. But... he didn't want to let go, he was afraid he'd lose her for good if he did. Carefully, so as not to disturb her uneasy slumber, he pulled her further up the bed and slid with her to the headboard. He leaned back, cradling her in his arms, and let sleep overcome him.

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