My Testimony
If you are not a Christian you may not know what a "testimony" is. In simple terms it is the story of how we came to know Jesus Christ and what happened in our lives after we answered His call. Sometimes there are dramatic life shattering events and sometimes it is just a gnawing emptiness that starts to eat away at the joy in life until it can no longer be ignored. We humans tend to do one of two things in these situations. Sometimes we "medicate" the feelings away through various methods such as substance abuse and sexual addictions. Sometimes it is done by becoming a workaholic or by spending upon hour in front of the TV. Others spend money like crazy and have an unquenchable desire to aquire more "things." The other reaction is to throw up your hands in desperation and say "help me Lord... I am only human." I call this moment in life "being broken"... when you give up completely and finally let God take over. This is when miracles happen and lives are changed forever! Five years ago I was miserable... and as far as I was concerned there was no reason for it. I was remarried to a wonderful guy, my kids seemed to have weathered the divorce and remarriage without any major difficulty and were healthy and happy, I had a nice, comfortable home. But,once again, I found myself facing that same aching emptiness that had seemed to plagued me my entire life. I was real good at convincing myself that I only needed to do "one more thing" and then finally I would be happy. After my parents divorced when I was thirteen I remember thinking "I'll be happy when I have a boyfriend to love me." At fifteen I got the boyfriend... and I had him for seven years but still no happiness. Then I decided I would be happy when I finished nursing school. I graduated with high honors and found a great job. BIG SHOCK! I actually got worse instead of better. I wound up being treated for clinical depression. Once I was well enough to function again, I decided what I really needed most was to get married. I knew for sure that would take care of everything. Having my own family was exactly what I needed. I found a very nice guy, someone who really needed me. I got so involved in fixing his problems that for several years I forgot about mine. In the years that followed we had two wonderful children,we bought a house... we lived the dream. Slowly, once again, that big black hole inside me started growing again. I grew weary of trying to fix my husband's problems. I had the responsibility of raising two small children and it was hard enough struggling with my own problems.I found his problems were hurdles I no longer had the strength to scale. I finally decided I would be happy if I got divorced and started my life over again. A new town, new house, me and my kids... a new life! It was really exciting for awhile but the veneer soon grew thin on that too, and the emptiness welled up again. During this time I met my second husband. He was and is the love of my life, he is my "soul mate", and my best friend. I finally had the relationship I had always wanted. It was a good time and I was really excited as we planned our wedding and life together. Things went smoothly, my kids loved their new step-dad and we felt like a real family. Five years later when life had settled in we started running into the typical family problems. My children were entering adolescence and although they were good kids they were still teenagers ( no explanation needed!!!). I found myself short- tempered, I was alarmed by the gray hairs that were popping up and concerned over what that meant. I had always loved my profession as a nurse but suddenly I found myself dreading the thought of getting up in the morning to go to work. I was really concerned because that ugly emptiness was again on the verge of consuming me. Being older and having gained some wisdom about life I was able to see that I had a good life... maybe not a perfect one, but it was definitely a good one. I had everything a person could want. My kids were healthy, well-adjusted teenagers, I LOVED my husband and he loved me. We lived a simple but very comfortable life. I could not understand why every day I seemed to sink further and further into an emptiness that infused every nook and cranny of my life. I struggled to wake up in the morning and then struggled to fall asleep at night... one day seemed to blend into the next... I had no idea what the purpose of my life was and I gave up trying to figure it out. I remember the night I finally gave up. It was two in the morning, the house was quiet and I was laying in bed wide awake. Even though I was laying still, inside me I felt like I was running a marathon, my heart was pounding, my thoughts racing,... I remember thinking to myself "If only I could get my hands on about ten milligrams of Valium... I could sleep" I felt like I was going to crawl right out of my skin. Tears started streaming down my face and I remember saying "I can't take it anymore.... I don't know what is wrong with me!" And then suddenly out of my mouth came the words "Lord help me, Please... Lord HELP me!" I cried a little longer and finally fell asleep. Looking back now I see that my life began to change after that night. It wasn't even something I was conscious of. I was born into the Catholic faith and raised in a Catholic home. We went to Church, to catechism... the whole nine yards. When my parents divorced this suddenly stopped. As I grew into adulthood I became educated and liberated... the Church was ancient, paternalistic, and unreasonable. In my mind all organized religions were. I believed in God but didn't need a religion to tell me how to live. When I married my first husband we were of similar mind in this area. When I became pregnant with our first child he wanted me to convert to Judaism so the baby would be born a Jew. I was afraid to say no and was able to convince myself that since religion wasn't important to me I could do this. As it turned out I actually enjoyed learning about Jewish history and faith but it was purely an intellectual pursuit... not a heartfelt conversion. After my divorce I no longer considered myself Jewish... in fact didn't consider myself anything. In my mind I accepted that we existed, the universe existed and probably there was a God out there... maybe. This was how I felt up until that miserable night when I was finally "broken." After that night strange things began to happen. I quit my job and and looked for another one. I found an "acceptable" one as a home care nurse for a Catholic hospital. One day I picked up a magazine and opened it randomly and on the page I opened it to I found St. Francis Peace Prayer. It touched something deep inside me and I began saying it everyday. Then a few months later something really strange happened. I would walk past the hospital gift shop and see the rosaries in the window and be overcome by the feeling that I should pray it. Then I found myself thinking about praying the rosary even when I was no where near the gift shop. Finally, I couldn't ignore the feeling anymore and I asked a co-worker that I knew to be a very devout Catholic, where I could find one. She told me she would bring me one the next day. As an after thought she asked me if I had a favorite color and I told her purple was my favorite color. She laughed and said "I've got to sit down." She then went on to explain that she had a purple rosary in a drawer at home that she had gotten on a pilgrimage to Lourdes three years ago. Although she bought it as a gift, not one person she had offered it to wanted a purple rosary, at least until I came along! I began praying the rosary and I found that for twenty minutes or so I felt at peace... even refreshed afterwards. The woman that gave me the rosary started inviting me to attend her church with her... I always declined... praying the rosary was one thing... going to church... well that was something else! Strangely though, after a while, I found myself becoming fascinated by the "persona" of Jesus of Nazareth. I read historical accounts of his life, I read about the socio-political climate of that era and I started reading scripture to get a better understanding of what he taught, what he believed and why he was such a controversial figure. What I found in scripture was a man with incredible wisdom, humor, compassion, truth and conviction. I began to admire this Jesus very much. I was impressed by the power he seemed to have over people but yet he was incredibly humble and kind. One night before falling asleep I remember thinking to myself "I wish I could have met him... just to be able to experience being in his presence." That night when I fell asleep I had a dream. I was walking on a beach and the sun was going down. I sat on a low boulder to watch the sun set( I am an "ocean person" that is where I have always found peace). They sky was red, orange and tinged with purple clouds. There was softly lapping waves. In my dream I closed my eyes to listen more intently to the waves. After awhile I opened them... I was startled because someone stood in front of me. All I saw was dark cloth... then a hand. I took the hand and was pulled up to a standing position ... Eye to eye with Jesus of Nazareth. He embraced me and then with his hands on my shoulders looked into my eyes for a few moments... and then was gone. He never said a word.. didn't have to I felt everything he wanted me to know. I woke up... crying. I was dumbfounded and a little scared... it was very intense. I wanted to tell people about it but in the light of day I suddenly felt it was a little crazy. I decided I had best leave it unspoken. Two weeks later my friend from work asked me to go to Mass with her again. This time she said it was her birthday and that Father was going to say Mass for her. I felt obligated under the circumstances... after all she had been very kind to me, so I went. When Mass started Father said that we would be celebrating the feast of St. Francis of Assisi. All at once I realized that something was going on in my life, something miraculous. I am named after St. Francis (Susan Frances), I was born at St. Francis Hospital, I worked at that same hospital for nine years. It was St. Francis' Peace Prayer that started me on this journey and to top it off the very first Mass that I attended after thirty years away from the Church was to celebrate the feast of St. Francis!!! A coincidence... I don't think so!!! I officially began looking for a Church after that night and in March of 1998 I found my parish home. I went to the Good Friday Mass at my "new" church. It is a very solemn and beautiful service. At one point the priests carried in a large wooden cross and they placed it in front of the altar stairs. We were all invited up front to touch it and say a brief prayer. As I walked up the aisle towards the cross tears started streaming down my face. When my turn came I reached up and placed my hands on the crossbeam and I said " Dear Lord, forgive me.... from this day on may my only desire be to do your will." I returned to my seat literally trembling from the emotion. When Mass continued we all stood to pray the Lord's prayer together... I stood there by myself in a room filled with hundreds of complete strangers, tears tumbling down my cheeks but yet feeling like I was really home... right where I belonged. I suddenly felt a deep love for all the people around me and an incredible peace welled up inside me... right where that big, black hole had been. So.... what has changed in my life... NOT MUCH! It is exactly the same life I had five years ago. Same kids, same husband, same bills... same problems. The only thing different is the emptiness is gone and for the first time in my life I am totally at peace. I am now a hospice nurse and once again I love my work.My work allows me to see, every single day, the wonders God works in people's lives. And each day the Lord uses me as an instrument of His mercy and compassion to care for the sick and the suffering. People ask me how can I do such "depressing" work. My answer to them is why would it be depressing to help "birth" a soul into eternal life with Jesus! Another miracle I have been granted is that my daughter, born a Jew, and my husband, an unchurched but baptized Protestant Christian, are both being received into the fullness of the Church this Easter. And my son, now an adult and a non-observant Jew, has begun attending Mass with us. All praise and glory to God!!! I am finally at peace with my past, with my family, with myself and with my God. I no longer worry about what will be... because I know that God will provide. All He asks is that we live our lives to give praise and glory to Him. I have found the secret of a peaceful and happy life and it is so simple...
