"Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air."
- Sylvia Plath

"We are fascinated by the darkness in ourselves, we are fascinated by the shadow, we are fascinated by the boogeyman."
- Sir Anthony Hopkins

"Censorship is tyranny."
- Sir Anthony Hopkins

"I think there's always something sick about a true artist, always something wrong. And I admire those people."
-Chris Kattan

"Girls will love it, because they're adorable."
"The brothers with a homoerotic relationship."
"And gays will love it."
"Absolutely. They are an odd set of brothers."
"Yeah, they are. I don't know why that happened."
"The homoerotic part of it?"
"Yeah, I don't know what happened. We're brothers. Brothers can do that."
- Amy Heckerling, Chris Kattan, interviewer, about Night at the Roxbury.

"There were times that we would film til the wee wee hours and show up on the set maybe 8pm at night ... film til 7am. So, there were many a times when Will Ferrell and I got a bit crazy in the head for being up so late. And, we'd just sometimes drop our pants and walk around Sunset Blvd. and wave to cars at 6am."
- Chris Kattan. Wave to cars with what, exactly?

"I get to bop her."
-Chris Kattan, about Cameron Diaz.

"Hey, I love you on SNL!! How did you become such a big star???"
"I slept with all the Backstreet Boys."
-Chris Kattan during an online chat. Taking him out of context is fun.

"I like to socialize. I like to go out. I like to swim and run. I love music. And, um ... I'd like to beat people up and steal their money."
- Chris Kattan again.

"I have a big Lolita poster in my bedroom. No, not really."
- Chris Kattan.

"You know, if I'm sleeping or in the bathtub, no, I don't wanna have sex."
- Chris some more. Sadly, this one was taken fully in context.

"He who fights monsters might take care, lest he thereby become a monster."
- Friedrich Nietzsche.

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."
- Friedrich Nietzche

"In heaven all the interesting people are missing."
- Friedrich Nietzche

"If it were the twenties, he'd have chicks all over him, but it's the end of the nineties, so he gets me."
- Road Dogg about Billy. Uh huh. They're straight.

"I hate and love. You may ask why I do so. I do not know, but I feel it and am in torment."
 - Caius Valerius Catullus

"Look, Brad, this may be a mission that one of us doesn't come back from."
"I hope it's you."
- Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie (watch me butcher the spelling!), Whose Line Is It Anyway?

"I didn't know how to tell you this, but one of the people on the yacht that sank.... your wife."
"My God... I guess we'd better save her anyway."
- Ryan and Colin, Whose Line

"And, of course, the best thing we can do with these lovely chihauhuas... is to set fire to them..."
- Tony Slattery, Whose Line

"There is no smoking and no penetrating the chicken in the state of California."
-Greg Proops

"'Cause it seems to me that this country is so often a redneck, dickhead, peckerwood, bo-hug, he-haw,gun-toting, psycho-Christian, anti-choice, homophobic, gimme-cap wearing, militia arm band, sporting a huge belt buckle with your name on it that you wear up-side-down so you go 'oh shit, that's my name!' "
-Greg Proops again.

"Chyna says: (manly voice) I'm my own country!"
- Amber. I have no idea why this amuses me so.

"Yay for masochists in hell...."poke me yeah...poke me again, oooo harder"."
- Amber.

"That's gonna be my battle cry from now on. 'My ass is falling out! My ass is falling out!'"
- Amber again. It made sense in context. Or maybe it didn't.

"Whoever is responsible for this thing called Creation rigged the whole deal from the start. Life's a mad rush headtrip, and we gonna wake up in the afterworld with one mean hangover. Naked, next to someone we don't recognize. 'Fuuuugghhhh.... wha happened?'"
- Tatsuya Ishida

"Woman and God are intoxicants enough without the hard stuff. Of course, Woman and God are usually the reason we resort to the hard stuff."
- Tatsuya Ishida

"My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine."
-Tallullah Bankhead

"I've heard of this group - these "straight men" as you call them, yet am actually yet to meet any. Many say they're 'straight' but put some alcohol in one end and it's amazing what they'll let you stick in the other."
-David Marchal; a.d.g

"A lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one's sexual preference."
-Quintin Crisp

"The problem in this country is that people think that gay people fuck and straight people fall in love, which is a complete and utter lie."
-Boy George

God used to be my co-pilot. Then we crashed into a mountain and I had to eat Him.
- Anonymous

Beneath my harsh, violent exterior is a harsh, violent interior... that likes poetry.
- Anonymous

Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this guy, but we killed him.
-Anonymous

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it.
- Anonymous

Erotica is what turns 'me' on. Pornography is what turns 'you' on, you poor sick bastard you...
- Anonymous

I'm not panicking. I'm watching you panic. It's much more entertaining.
- Anonymous

When I get old, I don't want people to say how sweet I am. I want them to say, "Look out, she may be armed."
- Anonymous

"Our strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show."
-Mignon McLaughlin

"Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy."
-Albert Einstein

"Well, Ben cheated on me in 87, but no, we don't really fight."
-Matt Damon

"I'm not deaf, I'm just ignoring you."
- Anonymous

"It's all fun and games 'till someone loses an eye, then it's just fun you can't see."
-James Hetfield

"I remember this guy (Cliff) lit my couch on fire a couple of times."
-James Hetfield

"The first time I played sober was because I just forgot to drink. 'Damn' I thought...'I'm playing better.' "
-James

"Sometimes we spit towards each other to wake up. A good loogie can really get someone's attention."
-James

"James may get angry with Lars with the time he takes on the drums, but if you looked him in the eye and asked him who his best friend is, he'd say Lars."
-Jason Newstead.

"Sir, your remarks are repugnant to me, and I disagree with your viewpoints. But I will defend to the death your right to express them."
-Voltaire

"You don't burn out by going too fast. You burn out by going too slow and getting bored."
-Cliff Burton

"Do you know about the Eleventh Commandment? It says, 'Thou shalt not bore God, or he will destroy your universe.'"
- John Lilly

Part of the fun of being alive is knowing that you're annoying the hell out of someone else.
-Matt Groening

"If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country."
-E.M. Forster

"In order to rise from its own ashes, a phoenix must first burn."
-Octavia E. Butler

"Fan fiction is a way of the culture repairing the damage done in a system where contemporary myths are owned by corporations instead of owned by the folk."
-Henry Jenkins, Director of Media Studies at M.I.T.

"Writers are vain, selfish, and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery. Writing a book is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon one can neither resist nor understand."
-George Orwell

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
-Edgar Allen Poe

"A writer is a controlled schizophrenic."
-Edward Albee

"I wasn't elected to serve one party."
"You... weren't elected."
- George W. Bush, John Stewart, The Daily Show

"I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It's us."
- Konrad Lorenz

"What do we think of sex on television? Frankly, I think it's a pain. For one thing, the cable box gets wedged into your back and gets real uncomfortable..."
- Peter David

"Christians are generally creepy people as a direct result of the dysfunctional dynamic of worshipping a dead naked hippie."
-Jim Marcus

"God and Country are an unbeatable team; they break all records for oppression and bloodshed."
- Luis Buquel

"When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land."
- Bishop Desmond Tutu

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."
- William Clayton

"Your Dad is building my shelfs now and I am, of course, supervising. This is not 'This Old House'."
- Mom.

"I can tell you had a good day......A guy walks into a bar with a duck.  The bartender is very amazed.  I forget the rest.  I'm not very good at jokes."
- Dad.

"* ExoticDream would love to be in a love scene with Scott hall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"How much are we getting paid.... by the way, you're a freak."
- Kevin Nash in an online chat.

"Kev, do you like to MARX BROS?"
"Nah, I thought they were a bunch of marks."
- Same online chat. Kevin should be beaten severely for that...

"T will be 3 on june 12....send cash or hookers, or import beer."
- Kevin on his son's birthday.

"<RedRose> HEY KEVIN 1 QUESTION WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO BECOME A VALET??"
"Go to a fine restaurant and apply for the job... and don't smash the cars."
- Kevin. Still the same chat. He never shuts up.

"Are tuperware parties still your fav Big Sexy?"
"Only vibrating tuperware parties."
- Kevin Nash, in chat again. No, I don't want to think about the vibrating tuperware, and yes, I am anyway. Brr.

"Did you watch the jesse ventura story?"
"Didn't see it, was watching discovery channel about a breach birth on a blue whale... fascinating!"
- Kevin Nash, still in chat. The scary thing is I'm not sure if it's sarcasm.

"Hey Kevin, What Hair color do u use???
"Hair color? This is natural... I just dye the roots dark."
- The last of Kevin in chat. I promise.

"Kevin Smith actually gets paid for this shit. He'd like to note that while he has a mother, he never stepped on a crack and broke her back, and also that he has a baby, though her head never popped off. He's since come to believe that everything he was told as a child was a lie."
- Kevin Smith.

"I have abandonment issues which I will now share with you in intimate detail by warping the younger, cuter character in your
favorite into a twisted, infantalized, unrecognizable lump of despair and helplessness. Oh, and there's crying."
- Someone on FCA-L, re: warnings we'd like to see on stories. Borrowed from another quote page, but damn, it's appropriate.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss.

"I'll give you three guesses as to who threw that peat moss on my face...was it some stage hand? No - it was Sam!"
- Bruce Campbell.

"Well, he's still an idiot, though - isn't he, guys?"
"I don't think we could have taken that away from your performace if we tried!"
- Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi, on Ash.

"So those are real potatoes being thrown in my face. Anyway, I'd like to thank you, Sam, for adding that little bit of realism there."
"You know, I'm sorry...really, that was poor judgement on my part...I should have hit you harder."
- Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi.

"Some persons talk simply because they think sound is more manageable than silence."
- Margaret Halsey

"What a commentary on our civilization, when being alone is considered suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it--like a secret vice!"
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"When you're not blond and thin, you come up with a personality real quick."
- Kathy Najimy

"Do not do unto others what you would have them do unto you, because their tastes may be different."
- Bertrand Russell

"From Andy_Zamarripa: Do you think we will really have coed showers in the future?
"I hope so. I kind of like them."
- Casper van Dien.

"From b4lemon: How did you get the part of Johnny Rico?"
"I slept with the director. No, not really."
- Casper again.

"From pc_sage: Would you sleep with a green woman?"
"Yes, I would. Is this a Dr. Seuss or a Star Trek question? Yes, I am. Sam, I am. I do like green eggs and ham."
- Casper one last time. You expect more from the guy who wants to switch heads with Jesus?

"The problem with reality is the lack of background music."
- Anon.

"When men are oppressed, it's tragedy; when women are oppressed, it's tradition."
-Bernadette Mosala

"He was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him)."
- George Orwell

"The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil."
- Emo Phillips.

"Transcendental Meditation has demanded my presence--better than Calgon."
- My mother. Yeah, that's what I said, too.

"This is a revolution, damn it! We're going to have to offend somebody!"
-John Adams.

"You can't be fueled by bitterness. It can eat you up, but it cannot drive you."
-Benazir Bhutto

"Could God have prevented the serpent from tempting Adam and Eve? If yes, why didn't he? If no, discuss the possibility that the serpent was as powerful as God."
-Harlan Ellison, "The Deathbird"

"In the heterosexual imagination, everything that gay people do becomes sexualized. Thay think that's all we're doing, and, unfortunately, it's not. I wish that being a lesbian were as juicy as I think Jesse Helms thinks it is."
-Holly Hughes.

"It seems ironic that the Republican Party is always telling voters that they will "clean house." I thought that Republicans usually hire illegal aliens for that task."
-Elbert Hubbard

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun."
- Katherine Hepburn

"Plain women know more about men than beautiful women do."
- Katherine Hepburn

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
- Katherine Hepburn

"You have the absolute right to your opinion. You don't, however, have the right to have it taken seriously."
- Ken Jolly

"The militant, not the meek, shall inherit the earth."
- Mother Jones

"The only evidence against evolution are its opponents."
- Anon.

"Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car."
- Anon.

"First they came for the fourth amendment, but I said nothing because I wasn't a drug dealer. Then they came for the sixth amendment, but I kept quiet because I wasn't guilty. Finally they came for the first amendment, and by then it was too late to say anything at all."
- Nancy Lebovitz

"Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved."
- Niccolo Machiavelli

"Do not do unto others what you would have them do unto you, because their tastes may be different."
- Bertrand Russell

"In Hollywood, a marriage is successful if it outlasts milk."
- Rita Rudner

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock."
- Will Rogers

"Things are always darkest before they go pitch black."
- Kelly Robinson

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
- Gloria Steinem

"Sanity is a cozy lie."
- Susan Sontag

*"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde

*"To be popular, one must be a mediocrity."
-Oscar Wilde

*"The good ended happily and the bad ended unhappily. That is what fiction means."
-Oscar Wilde

*"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

*"Razors pain you, rivers are damp,
acids stain you, drugs cause cramps.
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give,
gas smells awful; you might as well live."
-Dorothy Parker

*"I live in a constant state of confusion 'cause I like the expression it leaves on my face."
-Johnny Depp

*"May those who love us love us;
and those who don't may God turn their hearts;
and if he doesn't turn their hearts may he turn their ankles
so we'll know them by their limping."
-Gaelic Blessing

*"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
-Al Capone

*"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
-Tom Clancy

*"Why do people who know the least, know it the loudest?"
-Anon.

*"Stress: The confusion created when the mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the hell out of someone who desperately deserves it."
-Anon.

*"Be on your guard against a silent dog and still water."
-Anon.

*"Some things are better left untouched, some words better left unsaid. Leave the past alone and let it bury its own dead."
-Anon.

*"Behind every successful woman is a trail of dead men who got in her way."
-Anon

*"Thank the silence, for it feeds the insanity, and thank the insanity, for it feeds the creative thought."
-Anon

*"As fall the dews on quenchless sands
Blood only serves to wash ambition's hands."
-Anon

*"High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail."
-Anon

*"True evil entered the world not with the first sin nor even with the first murder. It came when an otherwise decent man first looked at a sinner and at a guiltless stranger with a similar appearance, and punished both of them."
-Anon

*"Nature abhors a hero. For one thing he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?"
-Anon.

*"No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first and is waiting for it."
-Anon

* "Don't mind me—I'll just bleed."
-Anon.

*"This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell."
-Anon.

*"Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist."
-Anon.

*"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."
-Anon.

*"Skydiving...good 'till the last drop."
-Anon.

*"Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind every great woman, there is a man whining she isn't paying attention to him."
-Anon.

*"Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid."
-Anon.

*"Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job."
-Anon.

*"Take twenty aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up."
-Anon.

*"We've got the best government money can buy."
-Anon.

*"A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other."
-Anon.

*"Be nice to me, or I might just develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo."
-Anon.

*"It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees."
-Dolores Ibarruri

*"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-Fred Allen

*"If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum."
-Chinese Curse

*"CRIMINAL, n: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."
-Howard Scott

*"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them."
-Samuel Butler

*"Only when you give up on yourself, are you truly damned."
-Rob Dakin

*"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-Rita Rudner

*"I believe in peace, bitch."
-Tori Amos

*"Real friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel that you've done a permanent job."
-Erwin T. Randall

*"Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do."
-Bertrand Russell

*"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?"
-Dick Cavett

*"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."
-William Clayton

*"I only smile in the dark; my only comfort is the night gone black."
-Shirley Manson

*"Yet mystery and imagination arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness. . . .
Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all understanding."
-Lao-tsu

*"The light which puts out our eyes is darkness to us."
-Thoreau

*"Heterosexism - the assumption that everyone is heterosexual - is what lesbians face when we are ignored, when we can find little or no reflection of ourselves in popular culture, no mention of ourselves when hot national political issues like health are discussed, when we are seldom included in the daily life of our culture, our 'civilization'. It isn't only that my lover can't be covered by my health insurance policy from my place of employment, but that Hallmark doesn't publish a card that celebrates our anniversary or the anniversaries of our friends."
-Judith Mc Daniel

*"I think it's interesting that when you play a lesbian, people ask you if you're a lesbian, but if you play a serial killer, nobody asks if you're a serial killer."
-Nora Dunn

*"It may be an academically interesting puzzle as to why we are gay...but it is much more interesting and important to find out why people are homophobic."
-Prof. Peter Nardi

*"It's a lot easier being black than gay. At least if you're black you don't have to tell your parents."
-Judy Carter

*"It's not closeted gays you have to change; it's society -- society made closets necessary."
-Kevin LydaIt

*"The corporate grip on opinion in the United States is one of the wonders of the Western world. No First World country has ever managed to eliminate so entirely from its media all objectivity - much less dissent."
- Gore Vidal

*"With unfailing consistency, U.S. intervention has been on the side of the rich and powerful of various nations at the expense of the poor and needy. Rather than strengthening democracies, U.S. leaders have overthrown numerous democratically elected governments or other populist regimes in dozens of countries ... whenever these nations give evidence of putting the interests of their people ahead of the interests of multinational corporate interests."
-Michael Parenti

*"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it... Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate.... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." -
Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

*"One of the intentions of corporate-controlled media is to instill in people a sense of disempowerment, of immobilization and paralysis. Its outcome is to turn you into good consumers. It is to keep people isolated, to feel that there is no possibility for social change."
-David Barsamian

*"It takes less mental effort to condemn than to think."
-Emma Goldman

*"The people are urged to be patriotic ... by sacrificing their own children. Patriotism requires allegience to the flag, which means obedience and readiness to kill father, mother, brother, sister."
-Emma Goldman

*"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
-Plato

*"You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war."
-Albert Einstein

*"A faith that cannot survive a collision with the truth is not worth many regrets."
-Arthur C. Clarke

*"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him."
-Arthur C. Clarke

*"Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear." -Thomas Jefferson

*"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. "
-Galileo

*"What was it that Adam ate that he wasn't supposed to eat? It wasn't just an apple - it was the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The subtle message? Get smart and I'll fuck you over -- sayeth the Lord. God is the smartest -- and he doesn't want any competion. Is this not an absolutely anti-intellectual religion?"
-Frank Zappa

*"Man is forbidden to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He acts against God's command... From the standpoint of the Church, which represents authority, this is essentially sin. From the standpoint of man, however, this is the beginning of human freedom."
-Erich Fromm

*"Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived."
-Isaac Asimov

*"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."
-Napolean

*"It is usually when men are at their most religious that they behave with the least sense and the greatest cruelty."
-Ilka Chase

*"If the Bible and my brain are both the work of the same Infinite God, whose fault is it that the book and my brain do not agree?"
-Robert G. Ingersoll

*“The careful student of history will discover that Christianity has been of very little value in advancing civilization, but has done a great deal toward retarding it." -Matilda Joslyn Gage

*"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
-Mahatma Gandhi

*"If we are going to teach 'creation science' as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction." -Judith Hayes

*"Faith is often the boast of the man who is too lazy to investigate."
-F.M. Knowles

*"You are never dedicated to do something you have complete confidence in. No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They know it's going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt."
-Robert M. Pirsig

*"If God has spoken, why is the world not convinced?"
-Percy Bysshe Shelley

*"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever until the end of time...but he loves you." -George Carlin

*"One would like to believe that people who think of themselves as devout Christians would also behave in a manner that is in according with Christian ethics. But pastorally and existentially, I know that this is not the case, and never has been."
-John Neuhaus

*"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time."
-Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

*"We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing, all-powerful God who creates faulty humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes."
-Gene Roddenberry

*"The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose."
-William Shakespeare

*"If the lord had meant us to have faith, he'd have given us lobotomies."
-Zlatko

*"If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be... a Christian."
-Mark Twain

*"Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?"
-Mark Twain

*"Blasphemy? No, it is not blasphemy. If God is as vast as that, he is above blasphemy; if He is as little as that, He is beneath it."
-Mark Twain

*"Dedicated to a certain girl...I hope your life is filled with wonderful accomplishments, love, and all the magic you desire. But I hope your death is slow and horrible."
- Roman Dirge

* "I just really admire (Dr. Evil). He has this cool underground bunker, and he's always trying to take over the world. He's a man after my own heart. I'm trying to make my own bunker but so far it's just a cardboard box buried under my house. One day, though, it will have an underground monorail, an army of men in shiny purple jumpsuits with ray guns, and possibly a river of acid to dispose of my mortal enemies. When the revolution comes I will become leader of the known universe and achieve my aim of ridding the world of asparagus. I'm also hoping to have a miniature clone of myself, but at the minute I'm having to make do with Chris, who I make walk on his knees and dye his hair ginger."
- Nate Mendel

*"Now lesson number one in homicide
Is emotional murder's no crime
You come around here
You'd better bring a witness
Everyone in here's on the guest list
When you're gone, you won't be missed
Keep one eye open wide, when you kiss."
-"Witness", The Wallflowers

*"Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
 Called him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain. . ."
-“Ode to a Nightingale", by John Keats

*"To acheive this shot, we first made a plaster mold of the actor's head. We then filled it with cow parts. Then, for realism, we surprised the actor by blowing a hole through his head."
-Johnny C. Vasquez

* "Letters from "kindred spirits" come in, telling of how they agree with my views and how the world stinks, and of how they wish they could just kill themselves. Well, dispose of yourselves quietly, if you must, so long as you don't leave a note saying I told you to do it, you self-esteem deficient loons. I happen to have a certain fondness for existing - soda wouldn't have that lovely fizzy feeling if you were dead. Think of all the things you would miss; cartoons, music, movies, video games, music, art, fingernail growth, sex...well, perhaps not sex, depending on how weird your mortician is."
-Johnny C. Vasquez

* "Wait, wait, wait, what concert was that from? Third row? Is she the one with the head? I remember her!"
- Chris Kirkpatrick

*"So Lance has a sexy voice and we have each other."
- Chris Kirkpatrick

*"We don't set out to be evil."
- Chris Kirkpatrick

* "When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren’t enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner’s Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don’t have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading, “I hate my parents and my classmates beat me.” To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word “Blah!” at the beginning and end of the sentence."
-The Wave Magazine

*"Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd’s parent’s worst fears come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go crazy. These people dress up like fantasy characters and go on adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which would be fine if the participants were in the second grade. When adults do it, it’s like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling met, had demonic babies, and gave them weapons."
- The Wave Magazine

"Price didn't make the list, the house did, 'cause she's a vengeful, stupid whore!"
- Watson Prichett, House on Haunted Hill. Almost no one can make this sound good.

"I've got starfish down my pants!"
"You and your hobbies."
- Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat, Muppet Treasure Island.

“Tulio, did you ever think it would end like this?”
“The horse is a surprise.”
- Miguel and Tulio, The Road to El Dorado. Neither should cartoon characters.

“Mulder, I have a confession to tell you. I’m in love with Assistant Producer Walter Skinner.”
“Yeah, me too.”
- Scully and Mulder, The X-files.

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him."
- Revelations 6: 1-8.

"Soon enough, one partner would fall into distress and the other would end it...That price is too high for me to pay even once. I swim alone."
- The Pale Slayer, Deep Wizardry.

"Somebody wanna open a window and let all this testosterone out?"
- Amanda, Three

"I'm fine. He's fine. We're all fucking crazy. Can we come in, please?"
- Michael, Flatliners.

"People are starting to talk!"
"What people?"
"Me! I'M people!"
"Only if you've got multiple personalities. I'm not ruling that out, by the way..."
"Oh, shut up."
- Zoe and Riff, Sluggy Freelance

"So you don't think Torg and Valerie are having an affair?"
"No. I just don't think. It's policy."
- Zoe and Riff, Sluggy.

"You're not going to kick me again, are you?"
"That depends. Are you still an senseless moron?"
"Oh, crap."
-Riff and Gwynn, still Sluggy.

"Ooo! Big talk from Mr. Got-All-My-Limbs! 'Look at me, I got arms AND legs!' Jerk!"
-Dismembered vampire, Sluggy

"Torg?"
"Yes, Riff?"
"Could you get your hand off me?"
"That's not my hand..."
"Good God, dude!" (WHAP!)
"No! No! I meant to say that's not my hand, not that it was some other part of me touching you! I meant that it must be someone else's hand. It was a joke to freak you out!"
"Well, it worked."
"You didn't have to punch me."
"That wasn't my fist!"
"That's not funny, man!"
- Riff and Torg, Sluggy Freelance. Can you feel the love?

"My Dad and I wear the same pants."
"I invented pants."
- Snickers commercial

"We interrupt this program to bring you an important announcement. I am actually a deep voiced woman. We now return you to our program."
- Freakazoid

"Guitierrez: Bring in the animal psychologist!...Ask the kitty how he activated the flaw.
Animal Psychologist: Meow meow?
Mr. Chubbikins: Meow, meow, meow.
Animal Psychologist: Meow?
Mr. Chubbikins: Meow.
Pet Doc: He says he's very sad."
- Freakazoid (The Chip: Pt II)

"Will you hug me? I'm needy."
- Freakazoid

"Now, settle down before we reach your Grandpa's place."
"I don't want you giggling at his cardboard hat. He's not well."
- Debbie and Douglas Douglas, Freakazoid

"Dumb, dumb, dumb! Never tell the villain how to trap you in a cage!"
"You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either."
"I know! Dumb!"
- Freakazoid, Gutierrez, Freakazoid.

"Oh, yes, let me get the tea! I'd hate to see either of you have to walk the three feet into this frightening and mysterious new world we call the kitchen. You might get lost or attacked by the dishwasher!"
- Lord Bravery, Freakazoid

"We are wise and cunning."
"We stole man's fire and tried to hide it in our pockets."
"That was painful and dumb."
- Baffeardin, Husga, Freakazoid

"You're the only one who ever sees this blue guy, Duncan."
"He's real!"
"Well, of course he's real to you, dear, but that's because you're probably insane."
- Douglas and Duncan Douglas, Freakazoid

"When the holidays roll around, I come home to terrorize the ones I love."
- The Lobe, Freakazoid.

"Well, I have a microphone, and you don't. So you will listen to every damn word I have to say!"
- Robbie, The Wedding Singer

"I don't care about being accepted. I'd settle for being ignored."
- Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

"The bonds of family bind both ways. They bind us up, support us, help us. And they are also a bond from which it is difficult, perhaps impossible to extricate oneself."
- Desire, The Sandman: The Wake

"Have faith, pilgrim! God's master plan is totally righteous! I love and cherish all creation cuz it's all good and right and perfect like the good lord hisself."
"Kiss-ass."
-Sinfest

"Freedom."
"Responsibility."
"Fun."
"Grace."
"Sex, drugs and rock and roll."
"Love, truth and life eternal."
"Fuddy-duddy square."
"Punk-ass bitch."
- Satan vs. God, Sinfest

"Damn creation, damn your laws, and damn your holy ass self!"
- Satan, Sinfest

"Disclaimer: The Devil, being the Prince of Lies, is known to trick people from time to time."
- Sinfest

"And news reports brought to you here on the Sub-Etha waveband, broadcasting around the galaxy, around the clock. And we'll be saying a big 'Hello' to all intelligent life forms everywhere, and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys!"
- Radio Announcer, BBC's Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own except that you happen to be insane."
-George Orwell, 1984

"Everyone has a scar on their heart. Anyone who didn't would be a shallow bastard."
-Hiei, Yû Yû Hakusho

"I told you, I'm not being paid to dodge."
- Trowa, Gundam Wing

"I've never seen a miracle, but I've seen lots of dead people!"
- Duo, Gundam Wing

"Anyone stupid enough to get near me dies."
-Duo, Gundam Wing

"The god of death? Well, that sounds much better than a hero who commits mass murder."
- Duo, Gundam Wing.

"Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide."
- Terry Pratchett with Neil Gaiman, Good Omens

"Humans think they are smarter than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and start wars etc...and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish and play around. Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons."
- Douglas Adams, So Long and Thank for all the Fish

"Slim does NOT start with a K!"
- Jay, Men in Black: the Animated Series

"That came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head."
- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"How do you know my dim-witted inexperience isn't merely a subtle form of manipulation used to lower people's expectations thereby enhancing my ability to effectively maneuver within any given situation?"
- Dewey, Scream 2

"Working in groups is difficult when you're omnipotent."
- Q

"So, why was it necessary to slice Lectern into so many pieces?"
"To cover as much of the carpet as possible with his body."
"Wasn't that a bit excessive?"
"It was a very ugly carpet."
"You say he ate your Lord's liver?"
"With a little sprig of parsley."
"Why parsley?"
"Don't ask me. Garnishes leave me cold. Moreover, I wouldn't have eaten my Lord's liver under any circumstances."
"What if you had been very hungry?"
"A true samurai would not get so hungry. Also, I would have needed my Lord's permission, and I'm certain he wouldn't have given it."
"What if he were already dead?"
"He'd have been even less likely to have given it. These are silly questions."
- The police psychiatrist and Tomokato. Samuari Cat Goes to the Movies, Mark E. Rogers

"You can talk?"
"Can I?"
"Yes."
"Is that good?"
"Not so far."
- Shiro and the Scarecrow. Samuari Cat Goes to the Movies, Mark E. Rogers

*"It's lonely being a cannibal. You don't get that many friends."
-Colonel Hart, Ravenous

*"If you die first, I am definitely going to eat you."
-F. W. Calhoun, Ravenous

*"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."
-Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

*"Pugsley, sit in the chair."
"Why?"
"Because we're going to play a game."
"What game?"
"It's called, 'Is There A God?'"
-Wednesday and Pugsley, The Addams Family

*"I'm not staying here listening to you be rude."
"You'll find better places for that, I'm sure."
- Alice and March Hare, Alice in Wonderland

*"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it's yours. If it doesn't come back... hunt it down and kill it."
-LaCroix, Forever Knight

*"Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality."
"You mean the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?"
-Mr. O'Neill and Daria, Daria

*"God bless those Pagans."
-Homer, The Simpsons

*"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming."
-Homer, The Simpsons

*"Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick."
-Homer, The Simpsons

*"Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
-Homer, The Simpsons

*"What religion are you?"
"You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh... Christianity."
- Bart and Homer, The Simpsons

*"(Gays are) embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh..."
"Queer?"
"Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!"
-Homer and John, The Simpsons

*"Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me?"
"Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling."
"Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... mmmm...sacrelicious."
- Homer and Marge, The Simpsons

*"Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing."
-Bart, The Simpsons

*"Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ."
-Bart, The Simpsons

*"Bart! Stop pestering Satan."
-Marge, The Simpsons

*"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."
-Marge, The Simpsons

*"Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican!"
-Lisa, The Simpsons

"This plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core!"
"That plane crashed on my property."
- Federal inspector and Mr. Burns, The Simpsons

*"Don't kid yourself, Jimmy.  If a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you care about."
-Troy McClure, The Simpsons

*"Order! Order! Do you kids want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?"
-Principal Skinner,  The Simpsons

*"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a twinkie!"
-Apu,  The Simpsons

*"Hey! Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to... ask you nicely again."
-Apu, The Simpsons

*"I warned you! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!"
-Groundskeeper Willie, The Simpsons

- "This just in: 'Go to hell!'"
-Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

*"From these pictures it is obvious what has happened. Giant alien space ants have taken over the shuttle. I, for one, welcome our new Insect Overlords. And I'd like to remind them, that as a trusted celebrity, I can be useful in rounding up slaves to toil in their underground sugar mines."
-Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

*"Unemployment: it's not just for philosophy majors anymore."
-Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

*"Thousands of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them were important."
-Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

*"One consolation is that you will feel no pain until sometime tomorrow evening when your heart suddenly explodes."
-Dr. Hibbert, The Simpsons

*"Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'."
-Lionel Hutz, The Simpsons

*"I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer."
-Lionel Hutz, The Simpsons

*"Attempted murder, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Well, do they?!"
-Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons

*"Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis, Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa, towards whom I am fairly indifferent."
-Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons

*"You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! I deride your truth handling ability!"
-Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons

*"Deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!"
-Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons

*"Have you ever thought about another religion Ned? They're basically all the same."
-Rev. Lovejoy, The Simpsons

*"Stupid babies need the most attention."
-Child Welfare Representative, The Simpsons

*"Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?"
"Well yes, but then I was a very depressed child."
- Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel, The Simpsons

*"This so called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's prayer 40 times, but first let's pass the collection plate."
-Reverend Lovejoy, The Simpsons

*"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
-Hamlet, 1:5:166

*"I wish I was dead. Well, no I don't, not really. I wish everyone else was dead."
-Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

*"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that?"
-Trainspotting

"Oh you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
-Lewis Carroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass
 
 

"NASH: Somewhere, Michael Shawn Hickenbottom is crying his *eyes* out...
BISCH: Over this?
BRET: No, over having a name like Hickenbottom.
NASH: That, too."
- Lynxara's MiSTing of Lines As-Q

"NASH: Wow, Eric, it sounds like *your* bookers wrote this.
BISCH: Burn in hell, Kevin."
- Lynxara's MiSTing of Lines As-Q

">They had their eyes like hearts,
STEVE: Owen or Stu?
BRET: No, *me* with your baseball bat and diplomatic immunity."
- Lynxara's MiSTing of Sailor Moon vs. the WWF

"The human city was a place of bright lights and vehicle exhaust. Dogs barking at each other and children at play and busy mortals going about their busy lives, never stopping to realize how futile it all was, never stopping to wonder why they did it all. Perhaps, deep down, they knew that it made little difference one way or another, and were trying to deny it to themselves by moving faster, getting more work done. Anything to forget the truth."
- from Traitors, by Crow

"I've met people like this guy (Quatre) before. Somehow, nothing touches them, the ugliest, darkest things just roll off them like beads of water and you would not be surprised if Bambi and Thumper pranced up to them at any given time.
That's what you'd think anyway, but I can tell you that those people are the most dangerous of us all, because eventually, we all have a breaking point and when these guys hit it they either end up banging their heads on a wall in a padded room somewhere, or they get a machine  gun, climb a billboard and start taking people out. It's a generalization, I know, but I've seen it happen a couple of times so trust me, if Quatre ever looks to me like he is balanced on toothpicks, I'll be clearing my ass out of the way."
- Duo from Clare de Lune, Keelywolfe

"God, I'd forgotten how much I hate squids."
"Well, I could have been a Marine, but they found out that my parents were married."
"I didn't know that they let first cousins marry in Louisiana."
"How hard was it to get your head into that jar-"
"Children, children!"
- Jesse and Faythe from Closer to Fine, by Rhiannon.

"I swear, one of these days I'm going to write something happy, with green fields and bunnies, and sunshine, and balloons..."
"*snerk* Right. And then there will be raining death. Which muse could you use for that, anyway?
"*snerk* I have no clue.  Even if James is sober, he'd just shoot the bunnies, Jesse would smoke the grass, Danny and Tim would get sunburned..."
- An AIM discussion betwixt Rhi and I. Sadly, this is true...

"I'll be damned."
"Probably, but most people wouldn't brag about it."
- Billy and Jess from Bus to St. Cloud, by Rhiannon.

"Oh, and is this webpage of Christian answers just answers to certain things, or answers to everything? I mean, on this webpage, does 2+2 equal "Hallelujah" instead of 4? Or is it answers from the wrestler Christian? ie: 2+2 would SO reek of fourosity!"
- Sorcha

"Then I make them fuck for my amusement and it is all good!!!"
- Frala

*"What, no fags to save tonight?"
 "Pardon?"
 "That's all I've heard, the last three weeks.  'Kirk's going to DC to talk to Congress.  Kirk's doing another album to help gay lepers in the Congo.  Kirk's going to singlehandedly build the gay community center.  Kirk's sperm cures cancer.'  Forgive me if the details are a little foggy, but shouldn't you be leaping tall buildings or something?"
- from Standing Outside the Fire, by Rhi.
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