The sky was already going dark on the edges as Shawn stepped out of the rental car and into fresh air for the first time since leaving San Antonio that morning. With a grateful sigh, he leaned into the side of the car, oddly satisfied by the crunch of snow under his shoes. It was actual, honest-to-God snow. And this was his actual, honest-to-God vacation.

That made his smile brighten. Stretching his arms behind his back, he let his gaze travel around him. The lodge that Hunter had promised was a piece of art, somehow managing to look rustic despite having nearly as many rooms as a mansion. There was snow on the roof, in the branches of the pine trees, clean and untouched on the ground. If he looked back the way he came, the just setting sun reflected off the snow, turning it all the colors of fire all across the hills and open plains around them.

The place was isolated, modern enough to be comfortable and still technology-free enough to be soothing, and picturesque as all hell. It was perfect.

“Nauseating,” commented a familiar voice behind him, “isn’t it?”

Shawn’s head snapped around so quickly that it sent a twinge of pain up the back of his neck, but once he caught sight of the man standing there, he didn’t notice. For a long moment he was frozen, unable to think of anything to say, unsure if he should go with his urge to grab on until he was forced to let go. Scott smiled crookedly and took pity on him, stepping forward to squeeze Shawn’s shoulder and murmur, “Hey, chico.”

That finally broke the spell. With a soft noise, Shawn stepped forward and hugged him tightly, burying his face in Scott’s shoulder. Scott responded in kind, wrapping strong arms around his back. Shawn froze for a second, then melted into the embrace with a shaky breath. There had been no hesitation in the touch, that he could tell anyway, only welcome. The realization of how much he had missed that feeling, missed them, hit him in a rush, and his grip tightened unconsciously. Scott chuckled into his hair. “Take it easy, Michaels.”

Shawn let go as quickly as if he’d been burnt, snapping back to awareness and out of the comforting warmth. When Scott held on for another moment instead of letting him step away, Shawn muttered, “Sorry.”

“No problem.” Scott stepped back, holding Shawn at arms length to consider him. The younger man didn’t look good, he noted. There was an odd tension in his face, a set to his jaw that meant he was bracing himself for something and a closed look to his eyes that meant he didn’t want to talk until he got whatever that was out of the way. Shaking his head, Scott managed a smile and wondered idly if Shawn had any idea how easy he was to read after eleven years of friendship. Probably not.

“Fair warning, chico,” he said finally, slipping an arm around Shawn’s shoulders to steer him towards the lodge. “It’s been months since anybody’s seen you. You’re going to get mobbed.” The tension under his arm increased fractionally, Shawn’s lips tightening to a cynical line that said, quite clearly, that he doubted that. Scott frowned. So that was it. Tightening his grip slightly, protectively, Scott went on, “We’ve got dinner inside already.”

“Thank God,” Shawn said, so empathetically that Scott chuckled.

“Hungry much, brat?” Opening the door, Scott steered him through into the warm darkness of the front hall. “If you want food, you might want to hurry up, then, before the kid finishes it all off.”

Shawn went still. Looking up at Scott, he asked in a strange tone, “Sean’s here?”

“He decided to stay a night with Hunter and Jo, and took an earlier flight in with them. You’re the last here, chico.” Nudging him forward, he pushed him towards the end of the hall where a warm light from an open doorway was reaching out into the darkness. “C’mon.”

Shawn stayed put, the first hint of resignation entering his voice as he asked, “Should I be worried about this?”

Scott frowned absently down at him. “No. Chico, you’ll be fine. Relax.”

“Are you-“

Ignoring the question, Scott firmly pushed him through the door and followed, closing the door behind them.

The Kliq, generally speaking, didn’t work well with formal dining. By their standards, formal dining was sitting at a table instead of sprawling across the furniture with plates. Tonight they had opted for the latter, slung over the couch like a pride of lions, too content to look threatening despite the leather and the muscles and the scars. There was an empty place on the couch beside Kevin, where Scott was supposed to fit. There was a half-full plate on the floor next to Hunter’s feet, presumably Sean’s, but the kid was missing. The scene didn’t seem right with those empty places there, like a puzzle missing pieces.

Shawn wondered if it would seem wrong if he wasn’t there.

“Christ,” Kevin said suddenly, a playful note warming his voice. “The hell happened to you, Scotty, get lost on the way to the bathroom?” Turning his head to smirk at Scott, Kevin caught sight of Shawn standing there and went silent. His smirk slipped, and for a moment Shawn could feel himself going cold.

Then the smile was back, full force if not brighter. Kevin climbed off the couch, crossed the room in a few quick strides and pulled him into a rough hug. The tension in Shawn’s stomach eased for the first time since Hunter convinced him into this little trip. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized that he had been holding and hugged the taller man back hard.

“About time you got here, kid,” Kevin muttered. “Thought you were supposed to get in this morning.”

Shawn laughed shakily. “So much for that.”

Looking down at him, a flicker of concern passing across his expression, Kevin asked, “You okay?”

Considering that, Shawn finally nodded. “Yeah. I think I am.”

“If you say so, kid.” Kevin released him finally, with a last, playful swat to his ass that provoked a low growl of warning from Scott. Flicking an unrepentant smirk in his lover’s direction, Kevin indicated the couch with a tilt of his head. “Go sit, you look trashed.”

“Such tact,” Shawn retorted, but went anyway. Collapsing beside Joanie, he added in a tone that almost managed to be cocky, “Hi, Jo.”

Twisting to look at him, Joanie offered him a smile. “Shawn. Good thing you showed up, we almost got in a moment of peace.”

“God forbid.” He kissed her cheek, ignoring her tolerant snort. Hunter reached over and thoroughly ruffled Shawn’s hair. Swatting his arm away, Shawn accused, “Brat.”

“Egomaniac.” When Shawn stuck his tongue out at him, Hunter warned, “Don’t stick that out unless you’re making an offer, baby.”

“Just name a time.”

Hunter laughed. “God, I missed you.”

Before Shawn could reply, a voice rang out from the kitchen. “Kevin, you son of a bitch, I’m gonna kill you!”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Listen, runt, if you hadn’t been so damned obnoxious…”

“You didn’t have to whitewash me!” The door to the kitchen opened and a lithe figure wandered in, vigorously toweling a mop of dark hair. Though their face was hidden by a towel and their body by a pair of loose sweatpants and an obviously borrowed t-shirt so large it nearly engulfed him, Shawn could have recognized them in a heartbeat.

“No,” Kevin replied thoughtfully, “but it was fun. Besides, Scott helped hold you down.”

“Hey, don’t drag me into this!”

Finally whipping the towel off, Sean threw it at Kevin’s head. “You,” he said fiercely, “are-“

His eyes caught Shawn sitting on the couch and he froze. Relaxing slowly, Sean blinked at him. Silence stretched between them to the breaking point. Kevin and Scott were squabbling, Joanie and Hunter had gone back to their own quiet conversation, and still they stared at each other. Frozen. Entranced.

Sean smiled suddenly, the bright grin that seemed to throw the room into light and color. It took Shawn like a punch to the gut, nearly doubling him over. “God, Shawn,” the kid breathed, “it’s good to see you.” Dropping on to the couch beside him, forced close enough that their bodies were pressed into a solid line, he asked, “How are-… hold on a second.” Turning, he whapped Scott in the stomach and commanded, “Move over.”

“I don’t have to take shit from you,” Scott told him haughtily, then moved anyway, sliding off the couch to seat himself on the floor, his back against Kevin’s legs.

Kevin blinked, then sighed and leaned down. Wrapping both arms around Scott, he pulled him up off the floor and on to his lap. Scott struggled free of his grip and turned to glare at him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re gonna throw your back out.”

With a dark look at him, Kevin said simply, “Guitar shot. Powerbomb.”

“That wasn’t my fault!” Scott protested.

“I didn’t say it was, baby, but it scared the fuck out of me either way.” Cupping Scott’s cheek in one hand, he asked sincerely, “Please? The floor’ll be harder on your back.”

Scott looked at him hard, then sighed. “Fine, if it keeps you happy.”

“Thanks, Scotty.” Leaning in, Kevin kissed him lightly, tugging him closer, and made a little complaining noise when Scott broke away.

“Yeah, yeah.” Scott made himself comfortable, leaning against Kevin’s chest, and muttered half-heartedly, “If your knee goes numb it’s your own damned fault.”

“Agreed. But you’ll help me upstairs anyway.” Smirking at Scott’s indignant look, Kevin kissed his nose and only grinned wider when Scott growled at him for the effort.

“Anyway,” Sean said finally, turning his attention back to Shawn. “How’re you doing, man?”

Shawn started to reply automatically that he was fine, then paused. Glancing at the self-made group around him, the six people who moved and acted around each other as naturally as they would if they were by themselves, he took in the warmth and the complete lack of tension. He took in the fact that he was part of this, still, apparently always. And he smiled.

“Y’know, kid,” he said easily, looping an arm around Sean’s shoulders. “I think I’m good.”

Dinner was entertaining, to put it tactfully, a jumble of laughter and good food. They kept touching each other, light taps and one-armed hugs that seemed to only serve the purpose of making sure that the other person was still there. It had been far too long. By the end of the meal, any awkwardness had long since dissolved. They lay in a tangle of limbs like a litter of pups on the crowded couch, comfortable if slightly cramped. It was nothing they couldn’t live with.

Sean had discovered the remote under a couch cushion and quickly found a local station that was playing a marathon of B-movies that seemed to focus primarily on things blowing up. It stayed on that channel. They were about halfway through the second movie by the time Shawn raised his head, blinking to clear away the half-doze he had fallen into, to look around.

On the opposite end of the couch, Joanie and Hunter were in their own world. Joanie was straddling Hunter’s legs, her arms were curled around his neck to hold him in place as she kissed him. Judging from the soft noises Hunter was making, little moans lost against Joanie’s mouth, the restraint wasn’t really necessary. Even as he watched, she pulled back slightly, her tongue trailing across his lower lip before she bent to bite lightly at his neck. Hunter moaned low in his throat, his hands trailing over her sides to span her waist, pulling their hips into contact. They both shuddered, almost in unison. Hunter’s eyes flickered open, the beginnings of a smirk on his lips as he reached out to slide his hands under her shirt.

Shawn smiled darkly, laying his cheek back down on Kevin’s thigh for a moment. The real festivities had started.

A light touch on his thigh, where his legs were stretched over Scott’s, took him by surprise. He turned to look at Scott and found him otherwise occupied. Scott had a grip on Kevin’s hair, shuddering as Kevin licked lightly at his nipple through his shirt. His eyes, tightly closed, flickered open to catch Shawn’s, and the smoldering heat in them made the other man shiver. Scott smirked slowly, letting his hand slide up to stroke Shawn’s ass lightly. It was an invitation, and a tempting one at that. But…

Of their own free will, his eyes darted over to look at Sean. The younger man was watching Joanie and Hunter with a slight smirk on his face, his eyes dark and interested but a little distant, as if he was seeing something else. Remembering something else.

Without warning, he turned his head to look at Shawn. When he saw Shawn watching him, his eyes widened slightly. Looking down hastily, he studied the carpet with what could have been mistaken for guilt. When Hunter touched his shoulder, he jumped and looked up wildly. Hunter murmured something, his hand sliding back to cup the back of Sean’s neck. Sean offered him a slight smile, but shook his head. With a light nuzzle to Hunter’s arm, he stood and walked out of the room.

Shawn hesitated, then sighed. Giving Scott a slight smile, he laid his hand over Scott’s, squeezed lightly and promised, “Later.”

With a nod, Scott moved his hand to let Shawn up. When Shawn didn’t move, he sighed tolerantly. “Go ahead, chico, you know you’re going to.”

He started to protest, then glanced at the other three to see if one of them was going after Sean. None of them had even paused; Kevin was occupied with unbuttoning Scott’s shirt and licking the newly uncovered skin, and Joanie and Hunter had gone back to their kiss. Incredulous, he looked at Scott and demanded, “You’re not even worried?”

Kevin glanced up. “No. You’ll take care of the kid. For God’s sake, get going already.”

Shawn started to say something, then settled for a dark glower and got off the couch. Grabbing his jacket off the back of a chair on the way out the door, he followed.

It only took him a moment to find Sean. He was out on the balcony, leaning against the railing. His arms were wrapped around himself as he shivered a little, his expression rapt as he stared up into the night sky. With his dark hair and pale skin, he didn’t look quite real in the washed out balcony lights, an apparition in sweats and an oversized shirt.

He was beautiful.

The sliding door clicked shut behind Shawn, ruining the moment. Sean jerked back to awareness, whirling to look at him. He didn’t relax when he saw it was Shawn. The younger man gave him a sheepish smile, then turned away to lean against the railing. Shawn joined him after a moment, looking out across the snow. There was a moment of companionable silence before he asked, not looking at Sean, “You okay?”

Sean sighed. “Yeah. I’m fine. I just needed some air, I guess.”

It was a blatant lie, but Shawn let it slip; Sean obviously didn’t want to talk. Instead, he watched him for a moment, then sighed and pulled off his jacket. Moving to stand behind Sean, he draped it across the younger man’s shoulders. “Here. You’re cold.”

Sean blinked, then reached up with one hand to pull the jacket closed. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Despite every better instinct he had, Shawn stayed where he was. When Sean didn’t move away, he leaned forward and placed his hands on the railing beside Sean’s. To his surprise, Sean leaned back against him with a sigh, his body comfortingly solid against him. Neither of them spoke for a while, enjoying the silence and the view.

Memory was torture, sweet and excruciating. They had done this before, other nights on other balconies. He used to be able to give in to the temptation to push dark hair aside and taste the younger man’s skin. Years ago he wouldn’t have felt the scar from Sean’s broken neck under his lips. Years ago he would have smelled marijuana smoke, not shampoo, in that hair.

Things had changed.

“You can see the stars,” Sean said suddenly, breaking the silence. “Ever notice that you can’t do that in most of the places we go? They get clouded over until you’re lucky to see little dots of light that might be stars or just satellites or some shit like that.” Tilting his head back, he asked, “Can you see the stars in San Antonio?”

“Not in the city. But from the roof of my house, the view’s okay.” Shawn smiled absently, glancing up. “Cameron likes them.”

“Hmm.” Leaning further back into Shawn, Sean craned his head back to look at the stars. “Some nights,” he admitted quietly, “I get Hunter to pull over in the middle of some cornfield miles away from any town, let alone a city. I can just stand out there for hours, looking up. It’s all so clear out there. The sky’s full of stars, and you can see forever…” His voice trailed off, and for a moment Shawn thought he wasn’t going to go on. Sean turned his head to look at Shawn, his eyes intense. “It’s beautiful,” he murmured, his eyes searching Shawn’s.

Shawn froze. Reaching up, unable to help himself, he laid his fingers on the other man’s cheek. “Sean…” he began.

A moan from inside cut through the stillness, making them both start. Shawn jerked his hand back, looking quickly away. “Yeah,” he continued awkwardly, raking a hand through his hair. “It’s… it’s pretty gorgeous out here, too.”

“Yeah.” Suddenly dispirited, Sean looked down, hugging himself with a shiver.

Shawn blinked, coming back to awareness. “Sean? You cold?” Reaching around him, he started to rub Sean’s arms briskly, trying to warm him and to ignore the feeling of Sean’s body against his chest.

“Yeah,” Sean repeated, not looking up.

Still rubbing Sean’s arms, he paused, then sighed. “Kid, is something wrong?”

“Wrong? Nothing. Hey, I’m on vacation, right?” The tone of Sean’s voice betrayed the lie. “No worries.”

“Yeah, right. And you came out here for air, too.” Hugging him slightly, Shawn asked, “Seriously, Sean, what’s the matter? You can tell me.”

Sean exhaled, his head falling forward. “I…” Another sigh, then Sean let go of himself and put both hands down on the railing, gripping until his knuckles went white. His words came in a rush. “Shawn, have you ever been in love?”

Shawn nearly flinched. Taking a deep breath, he managed a light tone. “Kid, I’ve been married twice.”

“You’ve also been divorced twice.”

“Becca hasn’t left yet.” There was a sort of grim desperation in his voice.

“You think you’re gonna make amends with her, Shawn?” When Shawn didn’t respond, Sean went on, “I thought not.”

“I thought I was in love with them both. In the beginning, maybe I was.”

“That isn’t the kind of love I meant.” Leaning further against the railing, Sean said with looking at him, “I meant… the kind that doesn’t go away. It’s forever. No matter what you say or do to each other, it’ll last. The whole happily ever after kind.”

Shawn laughed humorlessly. “Every kind feels like that when you start off. I hate to say this, kid, but that happily ever after thing was a lie. Forever isn’t real. Things change.” Closing his eyes, he added in a low voice, “People change.”

“I don’t believe that. People don’t change that much.”

“Whatever you what to believe, kid.” Taking a deep breath, Shawn shook his head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay. You’ve had your reasons.” Sean tilted his head. “Don’t you love anything?”

“I’m cynical, Sean, not sociopathic.” Shawn leaned his cheek against the top of Sean’s head without thinking, studying the shadows the light cast on the snow. “I love Cameron. I mean, God, he’s my son. You know how they’re not supposed to be able to focus when they’re first born? Cam could. The first time I held him, he looked straight up at me and he… he smiled at me…” Shaking his head, he murmured with a rueful smile, “And I was hooked.”

Sean smiled, laying his hands over Shawn’s. “Fatherhood’s been good for you,” he commented softly.

“Try waking up every time he cries. Then tell me how good it is for me.” Hugging Sean a little tighter, he said thoughtfully, “I love my mother. I love Hunter-“ The body in his arms stiffened slightly. Shawn touched his side, concerned, then added, “For putting up with my bullshit for so long, even if it so fucked him up. I still owe him for that. I love Joanie for being good for him, and to him. I love Kev and Scott for being Kev and Scott. And you…” His voice trailed off.

“Me?” Sean repeated quietly. Looking back at him, he asked, “You love me, Shawn?”

“Of course!” The words came of their own free will, and other, dangerous words threatened to follow. Biting his lip, Shawn put his hands on the railing, trying not to miss the feeling of Sean in his arms. “I love you too, kid.”

Sean turned in his arms, tilting his chin up to study him. “Like you love everyone else,” he said finally, an edge to his voice.

Shawn smiled, glad for the save. “Yeah, kid, I love you just like everybody else.”

To his surprise, Sean pulled away. Shrugging out of Shawn’s jacket, he pushed it back at him. “We’d better get back,” he said tersely. “They’ll be worried.”

The sliding door nearly slammed shut as Sean stalked through it, leaving Shawn holding his jacket and staring after him. By the time he recovered enough to go after him, Sean was wrapped in Joanie’s arms, his expression shielded by a fall of dark hair. Hunter was pressed against his back, lightly kissing his shoulders and watching with what looked like sympathy. Joanie murmured something, to which Sean nodded, and Hunter immediately moved back to let him up. Sliding an arm around his shoulders, Hunter gently guided him from the room, talking to him in a voice too low for anyone else to hear.

Shawn reached out and caught Joanie’s arm on her way out. “Jo, is he okay?”

She pulled away from his touch. Regarding him with a dangerous amount of anger in her eyes, she growled, “You’ve got two strikes against you, Shawn. It was bad enough when you played with Hunter. Don’t fuck with the kid, not again.”

Eyes wide, Shawn stepped back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She stared at him, incredulous, searching for any sign that he was lying. When she found none, she raked a hand through her hair. “You,” she said finally, “are still such a fucking idiot.”

That said, she turned on her heel and stormed out after her fiancé. Shawn stared after her helplessly, then looked at Scott and Kevin, still sitting on the couch. “I… I don’t know what I did.”

Scott sighed. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?” When Shawn flinched, he held out his arm. “C’mere, chico.”

Shawn went, collapsing on the couch between them. “Something’s wrong with the kid,” he said softly, staring at his hands.

“Yeah,” Kevin agreed easily, reaching up to pull Shawn’s head down to his shoulder. “Has been for a while.”

“I couldn’t help him.” There was still that note of defeat in Shawn’s voice, a beaten quality that hadn’t been there before. “I was supposed to take care of it, but…”

“Shh.” Scott stroked his cheek with the back of his fingers. “Easy. There’s still most of a week left. You’ll take care of it, and him, and yourself.”

Shawn sighed, raking his hands through his hair, and looked up at Scott. With a sudden, bitter laugh, he said softly, “You were wrong. I should have been worried about this. I should’ve stayed home-“

“Quiet, angel,” Kevin soothed tolerantly, smoothing tawny hair back, as gentle as Shawn had been rough. “You’re supposed to be here. It’ll get better.”

Closing his eyes, Shawn took several deep breaths, fighting to steady himself. All he saw was the wounded look on Sean’s face, the accusatory glare on Joanie’s, the way Hunter refused to look at him as he left. A shudder ripped through him.

He opened his eyes, meeting steel gray, then sighed. Reaching back, he grabbed Scott’s hand and guided it to his own cheek, holding it there as he glanced back and forth between them. “Make it better,” he said hoarsely. Forcing a crooked smirk, he added, “Scott, baby, I think it’s later now.”
---
Climax came and went, ripping through him roughly and leaving him shuddering in Kevin’s arms, closer to pain than pleasure. There were no sounds from the other room, where Sean had gone.

Even wrapped in between the two older men in a tangle of naked limbs and protection, the nightmares came.
---
End.