Blogger's note: This isn't the ONLY thought that's been invading my brain lately -- and arguably one of the most self-centered -- but it's the first one that I've been able to organize into a semi-coherent entry.... })I({
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." Jonathan Larson gives very good advice, but this piece in particular is not always easy to live by. I can't help but wonder how my life would've turned out had I lived up to all of which I am/was supposedly capable. (I plan to visit the issue of what it is I am supposedly "capable" of some other day.) I mean, what the hell happened? Sure, there have been detours along the way. Mom dying. The hospitalizations. Letting skating take over my life. Where could I be if I hadn't let these things get in the way? What if? (If. If. If. How can two little letters come together to cause the thinker so much anguish?)
Obviously my life today would be drastically different were it not for the aforementioned events and/or circumstances, or a plethora of other influences both "good" and "bad" (insofar as one can meaningfully apply such labels). It's impossible to say exactly what would've happened in the absence of a given variable; for example, I couldn't sit here and tell you with any semblance of authority that I'd be a graduate of Barnard College today if Mom hadn't died the summer before my junior year of high school. Life is not one big mathematical function where you can plug in a value for x and be able to predict with any certainty how that will affect the results. (Or, if it is a mathematical function, it is far too complicated at least for my own paltry brain to figure it out.) There are far too many variables, too many possible influences which could have shifted the proverbial tides one way or the other. The "butterfly effect" comes to mind (no pun intended); even the tiniest, most seemingly insignificant event may trigger a series of subsequent events which can greatly affect the rest of a person's life.
And yet I continually have to wonder how my life might have turned out, "if only," not only with regard to tiny specifics, but also with the larger generalities. There are so many people whom I probably, nay, definitely would not have met along the way if, say, I had never taken up the sport of figure skating. I undoubtedly would have had significantly different personal relationships, particularly in the realm of dating, if I had never been molested as a child. However, this brings up an epistemological problem. For example, it's unfathomable for me to think of never having skated from my current standpoint because such a large portion of my previous life was devoted to the sport. But if one does not know of a thing, event, or circumstance, how can one miss it? Plus, I can't really know "what might have been," so why, logically, should I wonder in the first place? Robert Frost chose the road less traveled, and (at least seemingly) does not lose a terrible amount of sleep over what could have happened had he instead picked the more beaten path. Why, then, do so many of us pine for the road not taken? I guess the fact that life is ongoing confounds the issue even further, since there is no way of knowing how it "turns out" when events continue to unfold even while this foolish pondering occurs. Analogous, I guess, to watching a play and analyzing its outcome even before the first intermission. (But then, the theatre patron in this instance is an observer, whereas in life, one is an actor... bah. I never said it was a perfect analogy. Anyway, I digress, as usual...)
The above notwithstanding, as previously stated, while I certainly would not have chosen many aspects of my current life, there are other aspects for which I am grateful and, paradoxically, may not have come out this way if other things had gone "my way." Granted, there were several individuals I've known who were profoundly negative influences -- Curtis, for example, and to a certain extent some of my past coaches. But in most cases, I can say with the wisdom of hindsight that even some of the more "toxic" people have at least influenced my life in certain other ways, perhaps indirectly leading to meeting other people who had more positive influences on my life, or if nothing else, guiding me to a certain level of personal growth going off the proverbial "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" kind of deal. The same can be said of circumstances which have occurred, or, to bring it to a personal level, many of the choices I've made. Given my life to do over, I'm not sure how much, if anything, I would really want to change, just because of some of the people I wouldn't have met along the way if even the smallest circumstances were tweaked in the most seemingly insignificant of ways.
I lean toward disbelief in the concept of "fate," but life is damn funny enough to keep me wondering. If nothing else, I revisit my previous assertion about "sometimes things happen for a reason, other times you have to make the 'reason' happen." Perhaps the best way to deal with a less-than-ideal past (and whose isn't less than ideal, really?) is to make the best of things, look for the positive, and learn from our mistakes. Since we cannot go back and change anything, wishing to do so is a moot point. The past is relevant as far as it has taken you up to the present moment, and via control over our own actions today, we have the power to shape the future.
I guess the question is where to go from here.
