Love And Anger - Part Five

Late January 1999

Llanview

The Manning Mansion

It was dark out, but the sun’s rays were threatening to break over the horizon. Téa slid out bed, wiggling out of Todd’s clingy grasp and slid on her robe. She took a seat next to the bedroom’s window and peered out.

She was confused, so very confused. One minute she was angry with Todd - then the next minute, she was enthralled with him. Intoxicated on him. When they had first met, she had noticed his physical looks - handsome, well built, soft eyes reflected nothing of the cold heart within. But she did nothing…never acted on those physical impulses. As she had gotten to know him…and received rare glimpses into his tortured soul - those impulses blended into a desire to get to know him better - an attraction to his heart as well as his body. She could remember admitting to him once in a late night chat, “I like you…” And when she realized the same thing was happening to him, that was happening to her - a blending of impulses - of physical needs and emotional must-haves - she was elated to think that what had become such a strong attraction was returned…

He was the one who kissed her on those penthouse steps. He was the one who reached for her hand on the bed after sharing that nightmare with her.

Love…

…and Anger. He was one who covered her mouth with his hand. He was the one who had betrayed her heart by leaving…her - when he promised, “I’ll never leave - like your mother…” But if her mother had asked for forgiveness, she would have given it.

And last night he had told her he loved her. And he had melted her heart with his gaze of burning desire. Something had happened in Chicago. Something that allowed him to make love her. And she had allowed him that intimate contact - more of a reaction, an impulse to her, than a rational thought. Slowly, she turned to face her sleeping husband. He was naked, facing her side of the bed. A possessive hand draped over her side - hair draped over his shoulders and check - so firm - so taunt. Sexually, he had satisfied her every need last night and more. She remembered two very different sides to Todd. As “Todd” he was clearly uncomfortable with his sexuality. As “Rodd” he exuded sexually. Just looking at his body…and how it physically complemented hers, took her breath away.

But…had it happened too fast? It had. Way too fast…impulse had overtaken her rational thought and now there was no going back. She had no answers to questions her thoughts posed to her now. Was Todd truly over the DID? “Rodd” had always wanted her badly - as “Todd” had wanted her tonight. Could she believe that “Pete” had faked “Todd?” What happened in Chicago? All those years ago? And now? And why was she so desperate to have Todd Manning in her life? Despite all that had occurred between them - what continued to be irresistible about him?

Todd started to stir, “Téa…” he whispered.

She just sat there, watching him, fascinated by how he appeared so comfortable in sharing his nakedness with her.

He rolled over onto his back, his body began to lightly shake…as if he was suffering from the withdrawal of her touch.

“They all leave…but not Téa…she always comes back…” he whispered with an edge to his voice.

She got up, rubbing her arms, her heart full of concern, as it became apparent he was having a dream.

“She sees the good…” he muttered.

Téa sat down on the edge of the bed, full of concern for him.

“Is that you…Michelle? No…Téa. Leave her alone…Monster…” said Todd, the tone and pitch in his voice rising. He shot straight up, out from under the half covers, waking from his nightmare.

Instantly, he felt loving arms around his waist and soft hair on his shoulder.

“Sschh…Todd…it’s just…a nightmare…” came her soothing voice.

A trickle of sweat ran off his brow, down the side of his face.

“Téa…” he whispered finding her eyes, “You’re all right?”

“I’m fine.. I’m not hurt…” she replied clinging to him.

“He could hurt you. He could still hurt you…” whispered Todd wiping his brow with the back of his hand, not bothering to cover his naked flesh.

“Who Todd? You?” she asked.

“Nothing,” muttered Todd, “It was a nightmare…”

“Todd…are you still suffering from the DID?” she asked.

“No. No! Just nightmares - every so often…” he replied finally drawing away from her.

She found his eyes, “Your nightmares…are of me?” she asked.

Todd nodded his head, “And he hurts you everytime. And I’m powerless to stop him…” said Todd holding her tight.

“Who Todd? Who hurts me?” asked Téa worried for him.

“Nothing…it’s just a nightmare…” blurted Todd. Impulsively, as if torn, he reached back to her, for her body and wrapped his arms around her, “Nightmares that will go away now that you’re here…”

“How…?”

“I’m in control. I am. I’m in control…” whispered Todd.

She broke the embrace and again looked directly into his eyes, “Todd, help me to understand…”

“I need you Téa. Like I’ve never needed no other woman in my life before you. I’m not complete without you. Part of me is missing without you near me. You’re under my skin - a part of my heart - you make me believe…in myself…” he muttered, “I was miserable in Chicago. Without you. Without my family.”

Téa closed her eyes, savoring his words, not believing he was saying them to her. Reacting…not thinking…

“What happened in Chicago Todd?” she asked.

“Later. I’ll tell you later…” he muttered hesitantly reaching out for her neck… teasing himself and her.

She moaned…reacting…yet again…

He tore himself away from her neck and made intensely intimate eye contact with her.

“I know you’re angry - confused. This is dangerous. Maybe this - only this…can make it go away. I was ready for tonight. I swear. Promise me - you won’t go away…” he passionately pleaded.

“No. I won’t go away…” she muttered looking very confused.

His mouth overtook hers with such raw energy, engulfing her in passion and he began to immediately caress her body again, roughly rubbing his hands all over her. She succumbed to his attentions and again, they made love that night. She reacted - knowing only their hearts were entwined but not knowing why.

A few hours later, Todd had awakened and was holding Téa lightly against his chest, watching her sleep. Tenderly but hesitantly, he let her hair slide over his fingers, enjoying the sensation it brought him, as he relieved recent events…

After their disastrous wedding night, he had fled - armed and scared with the knowledge that the DID was real. And in order to have Starr and Téa in his life, he would have to confront the demons of his past.

He went to Chicago to do just that. He discovered there were no ghosts left to confront. The house he lived in as a little boy had burned down. Michelle had left Chicago - taking a high profile job with the state department. With nothing to confront he went to a pier on Lake Michigan in the middle of a cold December night…

Do it…you want too…

Think about you’re doing…

It’s not the morally right thing to do. Are you a coward?

I need a reason…cant’ think without one now…

Screaming…don’t go…Lady screaming…don’t go…

You can do this…

They gather and they shout at me…they haunt my thoughts.

Don’t know why this evil bothers me…

Take another chance on the wind…for her…for your daughter…

The morally right thing to do is to be a father to your daughter. And a husband to your wife.

Why are you following me? How many reasons do you need…

The cold wind of the lake wiped off the surface. His tears froze on his face - a sudden chill caused his misstep and he tumbled off the pier…

Reach out - Damn you! I don’t want to die! Impulse!

Hand on hand…

“Mister, you o.k?”

A strong masculine hand pulled him back onto the pier.

I need a reason…can’t think without one now…

Take on these ghosts…Todd…

“I need a doctor…”

“Yeah…sure Mister. What kind of doctor?” came the stranger’s voice. Dressed in blue - bundled from the chill within his uniform.

“I need a head doctor…”

That night was still a blur to him. And to this day he didn’t know if he really misstepped or if he had purposely stepped off that pier. The policeman took him to a hospital. He was admitted, treated for pneumonia and met his therapist with a renewed zeal to become better. He relieved every event of torture and abuse at the hands of Peter Manning. Or at least he thought he had. How do you be a father when you’ve never know the love of one? By doing the opposite of what you know..

She wants me to get better…Starr wants me to be the Dad…

Téa wants me…marrying me for a second time…for love…Love is a feeling…

Love is an impulse Todd - didn’t Peter teach you that?

No, Love is a rational thought Todd.

Love is a socially acceptable way of expression Todd.

He remembered how the voices would blend into one another - confusing him. Sometimes, the voices would blend so fast he didn’t know if it was them talking or himself. Love and Anger and Rational thoughts coming together…

And then one night - he allowed himself to fantasize about her. He fantasized he was touching her and doing more than just kissing her - and he didn’t understand the sudden explosion of desire he had for her. He had a sudden desire to want to be near her to possess her like man does a woman. Erotic dreams intermingled with ones not so erotic - they intermingled with dreams of abuse and anger.

He wasn’t quite sure when they went away. Too be honest, he wasn’t quite sure they had. All he knew was that he was “Todd” and he seemed to exhibit bits and pieces of all his alters in one.

During this treatment, his doctor prescribed medication for him to take. As he understood it, it was to balance the chemicals in his body. He was using anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills. And he did notice a difference when he took them. At first he was hesitant to take them but now, taking them had become easier. He slept. He could touch her the way he always wanted to. And he dreamed. Only now erotic dreams had been replaced with a single dream - a nightmare that refused to go away - and he was so convinced it would once he could be intimate with her… once he just held her hand.

His breathing was rapid and shallow. He felt nervous as if there were butterflies in his stomach. He had appointment with his new therapist tomorrow, but he couldn’t wait until then. He gently placed Téa down, slid out of bed and went to his closet. He reached into a duffel bag and pulled out a prescription bottle of pills, marked “Xanax”. At least it made the butterflies go away…

Saturday,

New York City

St. Theresa’s Church…

Blair Cramer looked into José Delgado’s eyes and said “With this ring, I thee wed.”

Enrique Delgado, dressed in a classic tuxedo, standing quietly yet soberly, next to his brother, the bridegroom, supervised the vows.

José looked into his bride’s eyes and said, “With this ring, I thee wed.”

And just as slowly, Jose slid the ring on her finger. She wore a traditional white gown - one that José liked very much.

The priest pronounced them husband and wife and the wedding party proceeded from the church to the home of Enrique for the wedding reception.

Blair Cramer felt awkward about the affair. As she sat in the limo next to José and across from Enrique - a million emotions were going through her head. One of which was anger. For discovering that Téa Delgado had been previously married it meant marriage to Téa’s brother, José, in order to save her life. She barely knew José. But José was good looking, charming, powerful and rich. And good in bed. A marriage with José, if she played her cards right could indeed be very financially lucrative for her. Her feelings for José were clearly torn between passion and anger.

As for Enrique, Blair despised him - more than she despised Téa. Enrique truly had a heart of ice. Something or someone had terribly hardened it.

José leaned over and kissed her cheek. Blair smiled at that. The limo arrived at Enrique’s estate and the wedding festivities began.

José and Blair were sharing the first dance to the Sara McLaughlin song, “Angel.”

“So, ah now what?” whispered Blair as they danced.

“Whatever,” said José smiling at her.

“Look, José, I’ve got a life in Llanview and a little girl who needs her mother…” said Blair.

“You have a child?” questioned José.

“Her name is Starr. She’s six,” said Blair as she twirled around in José’s arms.

“Fine time to tell me I’m a step-father,” replied José.

“You never asked,” replied Blair.

“I don’t know you at all,” said José through a thin smile.

“And I don’t know you either. All I know is that on some basic level we work - we fit together…” said Blair.

“And we’re trying to have a child - to save both our lives…” observed José.

“I could think of worse…” added Blair, “So, does this mean we’ll settle in Llanview?”

José rolled his eyes, “Enrique will not like it.”

“Why not? Screw him,” said Blair.

“Téa and his daughter are there. He does not want to jeopardize them…” explained José.

“My life is in Llanview Jose. The least you can do is accommodate me…” said Blair.

“Then we will tell Enrique together,” said José, “He can not see any cracks in our…happiness.”

In his den, Enrique Delgado stared out his bay window and took a sip of his drink. José and Blair stood in front of his desk in their wedding clothes, holding hands…

“So, you want to live in Llanview?” muttered Enrique.

“It is Blair’s home. With her child,” said José.

“You know Téa and Roseanne are there,” said Enrique.

“We know,” said José, “It will be good to see Téa again.”

Enrique slowly turned to face them, “I will allow it. As long as you take the Conando with you and continue its function for the organization.”

José nodded his head in assent. And Blair tried not to think of how her life had so radically changed in a week - forced into a marriage she didn’t expect but a marriage partner she was incredible attracted too.

NEXT:

1. Brother and Sister come face to face.

2. Blair is incensed over Téa’s deception.

3. Todd’s follow-up therapy begins.

4. Viki’s concern

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Love And Anger - Part Six

February 1999

Llanview

Téa, Todd, and Starr walked into Llanfair. Viki noticed that Todd was uncharacteristically smiling. She invited them into her den. They sat down on Viki’s couch and Viki sat down across from them. Starr seemed excited to have Todd back and to be with the family she’d known all her small life. Téa seemed conflicted but content and Todd seemed…too happy.

“How does it feel to be back Todd?” asked Viki.

Todd looked at Téa and smiled, “It’s great. I’ve got my family back.”

Téa placed a hand over Todd’s and hesitantly smiled.

“What about Blair, Todd?” asked Viki.

“What about her?” asked Todd.

Starr said nothing as she continued to play with her frog.

Viki raised an eyebrow.

“Todd’s got an appointment today,” said Téa, “And since I don’t have to go into work today, do you mind if Starr and I hang out with you?”

“Not at all. I would enjoy your company,” said Viki.

Todd shot up out of the couch and nervously glanced at his watch, “I gotta’ go Viki.”

“I’ll walk you out,” said Viki. They got up and walked to the door.

“Todd, are you all right? I’ll take you if you want…? What about Téa?” asked Viki, “Why don’t you want her to go?”

“No!” said Todd forcefully, “No,” he said again more calmly, “I want it like this. I got to my therapist just fine in Chicago. I don’t need any of you holding my hand. Besides, I want Téa and Starr with you.”

“Are you sure?” asked Viki.

“Don’t you trust me to go to my own therapist?” asked Todd agitated.

Viki paused, surprised by his mood swing, “Sure, Todd…I trust you.”

“Good,” said Todd. He walked out.

Viki stood there, a little taken aback. Something wasn’t quite right with Todd but she couldn’t put her finger on it. He seemed like Todd. She didn’t get any “vibes” that his alters had returned…first chance she had she was going to call Susannah Hannen.

Llanview General…

Todd paused in front of the therapist’s office. He reached into his pocket and held up his prescriptions. One was an anti-depressant, the other, anti-anxiety. He wrinkled his brow and opened up a bottle, taking a pill on a dry swallow. His breathing became more normal. He put the bottles back in his pocket and walked into the office. He announced himself to the receptionist. He wasn’t good at waiting and nervously paced the waiting room. Finally, a man around his age walked out, wearing glasses, “Todd Manning?” he asked.

“That’s me,” said Todd looking intently at the doctor.

“I’m Doctor Luke Michaels,” he said, “C’Mon into my office.”

Todd followed him into the office and he sat down across from Dr. Michaels. The office was sparse with a few plants and few paintings.

“Dr. Lake tells me you’ve made good progress Todd. You’re not hearing the voices anymore…you’re alters aren’t troubling you…” started Dr. Michaels.

“Yeah, I’m practically all better now. I got my wife and kid back. It’s o.k…” said Todd.

“Do you still have the anti-depressants that Dr. Lake prescribed for you?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“Yeah,” said Todd hesitantly.

“Are you using them according to the prescription?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“Yeah…” said Todd.

“And the tranquilizers for your anxiety? I understand Dr. Lake prescribed Xanax?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“Yeah…I still have those,” answered Todd.

“Good. It’s very important you follow the prescription because abuse can lead to addiction. Did you bring the bottles with you?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“Yeah,” said Todd.

“Can I see them?” asked Dr. Michaels.

Todd showed him the bottles. Dr. Michaels examined them noting that the dosage for the Xanax was .25 mg by mouth, three times a day. He gave the bottles back to Todd.

“How are you feeling now?” asked Dr. Michaels, “any lightheadedness?”

“I’m all right,” said Todd.

“Good. Now, what does practically all better mean?” asked Dr. Michaels firmly.

Todd paused and fidgeted in his chair, “The nightmares won’t go away.”

“I see. What do the nightmares consist of?” asked Dr. Michaels.

Todd let out a breath, “The face is blurred but I know it’s him. I know it’s my father. And he wants to hurt her.”

“Who is…her?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“It was Michelle all those years ago but now it’s Téa…” said Todd nervously.

“Who is Téa?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“My wife,” answered Todd.

“Why does he want to hurt her? Your wife now? Did your father and Téa ever meet?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“No,” replied Todd intensely. He could feel the physical reaction he was having thinking about this - talking about this - his pupils constricted and he began feeling a bit disorientated. He took a light breath.

“What does Téa have in common with Michelle?” asked Dr. Michaels.

Todd looked off to the side, to a plant in Dr. Michael’s office, “Téa loves me. That’s what she has in common with Michelle. Michelle loved me too.”

“Tell me a little bit about your wife…” said Dr. Michaels.

Todd frowned, this was beginning to become very nerve wracking for him, “Téa looks past the…mess…of my life…my soul. She sees something good. And Téa…she’s always there…she’s attractive. She makes me laugh…she’s smart. I like to look at her…I love her,” said Todd getting lost in the description.

“How does your father hurt her?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“He beats her - with a belt…like he beat Michelle. And she’s bleeding from a cut on her lip…and blood drips from her ear…” said Todd frowning at the thought, getting sick to his stomach.

“What are you doing Todd?” asked Dr. Michaels.

Todd’s eyes fill with tears, “I’m watching…” he barely whispered.

Tears freely flowed down his cheeks, “Because I’m tied up - my hands are tied up…”

“Is this the only nightmare?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“Yes. It won’t go away…even when Téa holds me, puts her arms around me…kisses me…allows me to make love to her…it haunts me and I was convinced…that it would go away…if she just held my hand…” he said, his voice trembling. He was upset. Very upset.

“How long have you had this nightmare?” asked Dr. Michaels.

“Since the voices went away…” said Todd.

Impulsively, he reached for Dr. Michaels trash can and began heaving into it…

Llanfair,

That afternoon…

Téa looked outside onto Viki’s flower garden from the den’s window. A lot of things were bothering her - now more than ever. She felt she was at the crossroads she spoke of to Carlotta and didn’t know which direction to take. Was she doing the right thing by Starr? And just why did she want to stay with Todd? She felt a presence behind her and turned around. It was Viki.

“Starr’s upstairs sleeping. She dozed right off,” said Viki.

“Good,” said Téa.

“Does Todd seem odd to you?” asked Viki.

Téa rubbed her forehead, “I don’t know. He seems better Viki. We’ve been intimate you know…”

“Oh,” said Viki, “Todd was ready for that?”

Just then Blair came running into the den followed by a flustered Jessica and a calm José.

“I heard what you’ve done Téa and I want my daughter back!” yelled Blair locking eyes with Téa and putting her hands on her hips. José stood to the rear of the room with Jessica.

“You’re a lousy mother Blair,” said Téa.

“Well, I’m sure the court will give me custody back now that I’m married,” said Blair firmly, “And can provide a stable home for my family.”

“Married? To whom?” questioned Téa.

“To me…little sister,” said José speaking up and coming forward.

Téa’s mother dropped and she was genuinely shocked.

“José!” whispered Téa.

José smiled and Téa ran into her brother’s arms.

“It’s so good to see you José,” said Téa smiling.

“Same here,” said José.

“Look, this cozy reunion isn’t going to stop me from walking outside with Starr,” said Blair fiercely.

Téa parted from José, looking intently into her brother’s eyes, “What have you done…?” whispered Téa.

“No one is taking Starr,” said Todd’s booming voice as he walked into the den.

“Dorian told me she heard you were back,” said Blair firmly.

Viki spoke up, “Currently, who has custody?”

“I do,” said Téa, “I have temporary custody as Starr’s step-mother.”

“I have permanent custody,” insisted Blair.

“I would suggest the four of you sit down with a mediator to work out your dilemma as soon as possible,” said Viki.

“Starr belongs with Téa and me,” said Todd walking up beside his wife, fire in his eyes.

“I think a mediator is a good idea,” said José.

“Who are you?” asked Todd incensed.

“Starr’s step-father,” said José grinning, “And Téa’s brother.” Todd shot Téa a look but kept quiet.

“I’ll arrange for one to meet with you tomorrow morning,” said Viki rushing for acceptance of the idea.

“But Viki!” protested Blair.

“Viki!” protested Todd.

“First thing tomorrow. I’ll arrange to have the mediator here at Llanfair,” added Viki.

Blair fumed.

Todd pouted.

Blair turned to José, “We’re leaving…”

José just nodded his head, “I’ll see you around sis…”

“Sure…José…” replied Téa.

José smiled back at her and he walked out with Blair.

Viki looked at her brother, concerned over the intensity and hostility he appeared to be projecting and nervousness over the situation.

TO BE CONTINUED…