When I was 12 I was went to my first psychiatrist because I’d been suffering from a lot of chronic illnesses and my doctor thought that maybe that was troublesome to me. After a few sessions with that doctor he diagnosed me with having depression and having a flat affect (meaning I never really showed much emotion at all). For that I was put on Prozac. But after about a year my body grew used to that and I slipped back into the depression.
At 13 I found out that I suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder (or OCD). For as long as I can remember I had suffered from that illness, but I had never really talked with anyone (including doctors) about the things that it made me do. I have to keep things in certain stacks and piles. I can’t go to sleep unless I have my blanket fixed a certain way. Sometimes I’ll feel the compulsion to do something like drink a root beer or even sit a certain way because I feel that if I don’t, something very horrible will happen. Now I know that paragraph must sound crazy. I admit that even part of me feels that it’s stupid to do those things, and yet I can’t because I’m too afraid of what the outcome might be.
When I was 15 things started to get worse from an emotionally standpoint and it was then I was told that I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder, am borderline manic depressive, and I also suffer from panic attacks.
The panic attacks are horribly frightening things to go through. Sometimes they come out of no where; the littlest thing can set me off. Other times they come for good reason. I feel so out of control and like the world is coming to an end when I have one. I get shakey, break out into a cold sweat, have uncontrollable crying and feel like everything’s caving in on me.
In he past 4 years of my life I’ve been put on Prozac, Zoloft, and most recently Effexor and Rispiradone (but only when I’m hearing voices or having a panic attack). The first two stopped working for me after about a year each of usage. The Effexor I’m still on although I honestly don’t know why. With that drug if I’m put on too high a dosage I get manic and my moods go way out of control, but if I’m on the dosage I’m on now (which is second to lowest dosage they have) I’m depressed. Sometimes I wonder if the doctors will ever find something that will make me feel better, of if it’s even worth the bother to keep trying things.
Along with all of this I have many different phobias such as knives, flying, heights, and public transport. But most recently I developed a fear of leaving the house..Well not exactly leaving the house, but going places without my family. But at the same time I crave to have a social life and go out with friends and stuff like that. Yet I still can’t actually get up the nerve to make plans because I’m just too scared.
I suppose most all people aren’t happy 100% of the time. If they were they would probably be in therapy to help get them back to an even level of emotions.
But being sad all the time isn’t good either. I’m not trying to have you feel pity or something for me because of the state of my mental health. All I’m trying to do is to express how I’ve been feeling, and also to let people know that if they feel this way too they are not alone.
