GREAT JOKES JUST FOR YOU

JOKE #1: THE WORD FUCK

PERHAPS ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING AND COLORFUL WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE TODAY IS THE WORD "FUCK". IT IS ONE MAGICAL WORD WHICH, JUST BY ITS SOUND CAN DESCRIBE PAIN, PLEASURE, LOVE AND HATE. IN LANGUAGE, "FUCK" FALLS INTO MANY GRAMMATICAL CATEGORIES. IT CAN BE USED AS A VERB, BOTH TRANSITIVE (JOHN FUCKED MARY) AND INTRANSITIVE PASSIVE (MARY REALLY DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK) OR AN ADVERB (MARY IS FUCKING INTERESTED IN JOHN); AND AS A NOUN (MARY IS A TERRIFIC FUCK). IT CAN BE USED AS AN ADJECTIVE (MARY IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL). AS YOU CAN SEE THERE ARE VERY FEW WORDS WITH THE VERSATILITY AS "FUCK".

BESIDES IT'S SEXUAL CONNOTATIONS, THIS INCREDIBLE WORD CAN BE USED TO DESCRIBE MANY SITUATIONS:

GREETINGS.........................HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU?

FRAUD...................I GOT FUCKED BY THE CAR DEALER.

DISMAY......................................OH FUCK IT!

TROUBLE...................WELL, I GUESS I'M FUCKED NOW.

AGGRESSION....................................FUCK YOU.

DISGUST........................................FUCK ME.

CONFUSION................................WHAT THE FUCK?

DIFFICULTY....I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS FUCKING BUSINESS.

DESPAIR...................................FUCKED AGAIN!

INCOMPETENCE....................HE FUCKS UP EVERYTHING.

DISPLEASURE.............WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

LOST.............................WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?

DISBELIEF.........................UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!

RETALIATION........................UP YOUR FUCKING ASS.

IT CAN BE USED IN ANATOMICAL DESCRIPTION: "HE IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE."

IT CAN BE USED TO TELL TIME: "IT'S FIVE FUCKING THIRTY."

IT CAN BE USED IN BUSINESS: "HOW DID I WIND UP WITH THIS FUCKING JOB?"

IT CAN BE MATERNAL: "MOTHERFUCKER."

IT CAN BE POLITICAL: "FUCK REAGAN."

>AND NEVER FORGET GENERAL CUSTERS LAST WORDS "WHERE DID ALL THE FUCKING INDIANS >COME FROM?"

>ALSO, THE FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF THE MAYOR OF HIROSHIMA: "WHAT THE FUCK WAS >THAT?"

>AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF THE CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC, WHO >SAID: "WHERE IS ALL THIS FUCKING WATER COMING FROM?"

>THE MIND FAIRLY BOGGLES AT THE MANY CREATIVE USES OF THE WORD. HOW CAN ANYONE >BE OFFENDED WHEN YOU SAY "FUCK"? USE IT FREQUENTLY IN YOUR DAILY SPEECH. IT >WILL ADD TO YOUR PRESTIGE.

> TODAY SAY TO SOMEONE "FUCK YOU!"

JOKE #2: THE NUN

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small,high,voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?" The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin' it?

The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand." The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, very certainly, he could have no children, he must be Catholic, and he couldn't be married." The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don't you come on up here...I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is suck me off." The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.

The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?" The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids. And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah,well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."

JOKE # 3: THE BAR

One too many.....

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.

"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.

"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".

"Why is that?", the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.

He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.

"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.

"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30... 40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says,

"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

#4:TOO MUCH SEX!!???

As if anyone would ever use this.

In case you have been getting too much sex lately, here are some ways to ensure that you spend the rest of your nights alone:

  • 1. Drool
  • 2. Show them your gun
  • 3. Talk about your mommy
  • 4. Lick their face
  • 5. Work for CBC
  • 6. End each sentence, "So, anyway, when do we fuck?"
  • 7. Tell strangers all about your dreams
  • >>>8. Talk extensively about your porno collection
  • >>>9. Ask for spare change
  • >>>10. Show people your track marks
  • >>11. Brag that you work at Tim Horton's
  • >>12. Bring Polaroids of your hemorrhoid
  • >>13. Describe your yeast infection
  • >>14. Talk about your ex-lover
  • >>15. Talk about your ex-lover's funeral
  • >>16. Recite really bad poetry
  • >>18. Grab theirs
  • >>19. Yodel in bed
  • >>20. Squirt liquids out of your eyes
  • >>21. Ask them to pop the zits on your back
  • >>22. Bark
  • >>23. Wear overalls (esp. Baggy ones without a shirt)
  • >>24. Burn rubber
  • >>25. Carry a box of Depends
  • >>26. Keep saying, "I think that would fit up my butt."
  • >>27. Sing "Jesus Christ Superstar"
  • >>28. Light your head on fire
  • >>29. Drop your pants and point to your genitals
  • >>24. Lie about your identity
  • >>25. Start your pick-up with, "I've been following you..."
  • >>26. Write love letters in blood
  • >>27. Carry a teddy bear everywhere
  • >>28. Show off your body-piercing, especially if it's infected and oozing
  • >>29. Grab their face
  • >>30. Speak really loudly and ask them if they're scared
  • >>32. Start masturbating
  • >>33. Never stop screaming
  • >>34. Talk about Jesus. "I'm not making love to you, Jesus is."
  • >>35. Show them your meat hook
  • >>36. Tell them about your condom recycling ideas
  • >>37. Shout out the name of your last lover during sex... Raoul Cedra,
  • >>Haitia >>>>n >>>> dictator
  • >>38. Duct tape a dead fish to your forehead
  • >>39. Hump their clothes in public
  • >>40. Ask them if you can bring some friends
  • >>41. Ask if you can bring your father
  • >>42. Pick your NOSE!
  • >>43. Wear a Hitler moustache, especially if you're a woman
  • >>44. Ask them to marry you right away (someone I know did this: they exchanged numbers and ended up dating)
  • >>45. Blame them for everything
  • >>46. When they take off their clothes, burst out laughing
  • >>47. Shit in bed
  • >>48. Offer to mutilate yourself to prove your love
  • >>49. As soon as you meet say, "commitment or death, it's your choice."
  • >>50. Ask them to join your suicide pact. "Have you ever had sex while plummeting to the ground in a flaming vehicle?"
  • >>51. Refuse to wear a condom (or don't let him wear one). "I've never used a condom and I've had over 158 lovers."
  • >>52. Scream in pain while urinating
  • >>53. Ask, "why do people always die when you fuck them?"
  • >>54. Use napalm as a lubricant
  • >>55. Tell them you can suck your own member
  • >>56. Gag while kissing
  • >>57. Suck on their nose
  • >>58. Shit your pants and sing a song
  • >>59. Eat things you find on the street
  • >>60. Tell them, "If we're going to have sex, I'm going to have to get some batteries."
  • >>61. Whip a gerbil out of your butt. Roll it up and smoke it.
  • >>62. Get into your Smurf outfit
  • >>63. In the middle of sex say, "Hey!! This is better than sheep!"
  • >>64. In the middle of sex say, "Hey!! This is better than pumpkins!"
  • >>65. Pull out a tampon and swing it over your head
  • >>66. Demand cash up front
  • >>67. Say, "I'm only doing this because I feel sorry for you"
  • >>68. Keep yelling, "Next!"
  • >>69. Never get their name right
  • >>70. The minute you get to their place, hump their dog. Smile crazily.
  • >>71. Wear a helmet all the time. Say it's the law
  • >>72. Put your underwear on your head. Or theirs
  • >>73. Be yourself
  • >>74. Make lists like this one. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    #5:CHRISTMAS JOKES

    ******************************************************************************** ********************************************************************************
  • >Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
  • >Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. ******************************************************************************** >>>***** >>>
  • >What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
  • >Snowballs. ******************************************************************************** ********************************************************************************
  • >The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!" >>>************************************************************************** >>>*****

    > A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?" Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" Ths whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" ******************************************************************************** >>>*****

    >

  • Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
  • She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."
  • Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
  • The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."
  • Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
  • Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."
  • Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay.
  • Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!" ******************************************************************************** ****************************************************************************************************************************************************************
  • Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...
  • > On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad.

    All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door.

    Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?" >>>*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

    #6: Vegas Blowjob!!!

    A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

    He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

    One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

    Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

    The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

  • "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

    #7: NOT BAD......

    An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

  • "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

    *** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

  • "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

    *** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

  • "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
  • Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

    *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

  • She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
  • "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." >

    #8: WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN?

    >>>>>>>SORRY GALS!!!! > >
  • Dogs don't cry.
  • Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  • Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
  • Dogs think you sing great.
  • A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  • Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
  • "The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you"
  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  • Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  • Dogs are excited by rough play.
  • Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
  • Dogs understand that farts are funny.
  • Dogs love red meat.
  • Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
  • Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
  • "If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it."
  • Dogs don't shop.
  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  • A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
  • Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  • A dog's parents never visit.
  • Dogs love long car trips.
  • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  • Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
  • When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you uncessantly, you can shoot it.
  • Dogs like beer.
  • Dogs don't hate their bodies.
  • No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
  • No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
  • Dogs never criticize.
  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  • Dogs never expect gifts.
  • It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  • Dogs don't worry about germs.
  • Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
  • "Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your
  • wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer."
  • Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
  • Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
  • You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  • "Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry."
  • Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
  • Dogs never want foot-rubs.
  • Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  • Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  • Dogs can't talk.
  • Dogs aren't chatty.
  • Dogs seldom outlive you.
  • Josh "ShaGGy" Matlaf ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

    #9: PUNISHMENT FOR A SINNER

    Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Neil. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

    The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

    This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a

    second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

    The voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.

    Neil, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.

    Delighted, Neil jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

  • "Cindy, you have sinned ... " ********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

    MEN.....MEN.....MEN.....

    Forgive me, boys....

  • >> Why do men like love at first sight? > >> It saves them a lot of time.
  • >> A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
  • >> How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
  • >> What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
  • >> Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
  • >> Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
  • >> How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
  • >> How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
  • >> How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
  • >> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
  • >> What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
  • >> Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.
  • >> Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
  • >> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • >> Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
  • >> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
  • >> Breasts don't have eyes.
  • >> What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women
  • >> How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw anything!
  • >> What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
  • >> How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
  • >> What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
  • >> How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
  • >> Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
  • >> What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
  • >> How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know-it's never happened.

    WOMEN's RULES FOR MEN

  • >30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
  • >31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
  • >32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
  • >33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels
  • >like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without
  • >notice.
  • >34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You
  • >don't clean plaque with your tongue.
  • >35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
  • >36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
  • >37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
  • >38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a
  • >complete jerk until she does it for you.
  • >39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
  • >40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
  • >41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
  • >42. Think boxers.
  • >43. Silk boxers.
  • >44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
  • >45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
  • >46. Her haircut is never bad.
  • >47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
  • >48. Call.
  • >49. Don't lie.
  • >50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything. ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ >

    #11: Various

    An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age, you are in the best shape I've seen."
  • The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
  • The doctor asked him how he knew that.
  • "Why," the old man, "I must live a good, clean life or the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
  • The Doc looked a little concerned.
  • "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you."
  • "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
  • Well, the doctor didn't say any thing else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
  • "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental conditions. He told me every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
  • "He what?" she cried.
  • "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
  • "Why that rascal," she said. "He's been peeing in the refrigerator again." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts. One day while the olde man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to theold man's jar and ate over half the peanuts. When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts. The old man responded, "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms."

    ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  • Doctor: - you're very bad, you have little time to live.
  • Patient: - how much is very little ???
  • Doctor: - ten.
  • Patient: - ten what ? years, months, day ?????
  • Doctor: - nine, eight, seven... ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    There is this man seeing his doctor, and the doctor tells him, I have some bad news and some terrible news for you."

  • The man says, "Lets hear the terrible news first".
  • "The terrible news", says the doctor, "is that you have cancer. I'm sorry
  • but you only have one year left to live."
  • "Oh no", says the man.
  • "The bad news", the doctor continues, "is that you've got Alzheimers disease."
  • "Alzheimers" says the man, "I guess it could be worse. I mean, I was afraid you were going to tell me that I've got cancer." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

  • Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

    Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

  • The Pope proceeds to hop on I-95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.
  • He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
  • The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
  • The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says, "No, even more important." The chief replies, "It's not the Governor, is it ?" The trooper replys "No, even more important."
  • "It's isn't the President is it ?" "No, more important", replys the trooper.
  • "Well WHO is it !", screams the chief.
  • "I don't know " says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    BLONDES
    SORRY BLONDES!!!!

    A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

  • >"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
  • >The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
  • >Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
  • >Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
  • >The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
  • >"Why yes," she said.
  • >"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    #12: Letterman's Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Aren't:

  • 10. I need to whip it out by 5!
  • 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
  • 8. Put it in my box before I leave.
  • 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!!!
  • 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
  • 5. HMMMMMMMMMM.....I think it's out of fluid.
  • 4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
  • 3. It's an entry-level position.
  • 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
  • 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

    E-mail me and tell me what you think at oaetos@mail.gr
    Coming soon More Jokes