Church Chat
______________________________________________________
Air Date: October 21st, 2000
Host: Dana Carvey
Musical Guest: The Wallflowers
______________________________________________________
Church Lady.....Dana Carvey
Hillary Clinton.....Ana Gasteyer
Eminem.....Chris Parnell
______________________________________________________
Church Lady: Hello, I'm the Church Lady, and this is "Church Chat".
Welllll, it's almost Halloween, and what a delightful little holiday! Let's see, what do we do on this holiday, let's count it up: we dress up our children like witches and vampires; we put them out into the night like little candy prostitutes - "Look at me, Mommy, I'm a sugar slut in a Devil mask!"
Speaking of all that is unholy, I'm delighted to welcome my first guest - she's a sweet little peach - our First-Lady and Senate candidate, please welcome Hillary Clinton.
Hillary Clinton: [ steps out and sits down ] Hello, Church Lady.
Church Lady: Wellll, nice to see you. Hillary Rodham Clinton. We like our three little names, don't we? "We are woman, hear us roar!" So, you're running for Senate in Arkansas?
Hillary Clinton: No, actually, I'm running for Senate in New York.
Church Lady: Oh, that's right. We just call ourselves a New Yorker when it's convenient.
Hillary Clinton: You know, we actually do own a home in Chappaqua.
Church Lady: Chappaqua! From the old Indian word "Chappaquinis", which means "Wife looks the other way, while big chief gets his peacepipe smoked."
Hillary Clinton: [ angry ] Church Lady, I am here to talk about..
Church Lady: Just relax! [ moves her hand up and down ] There's your mouth - it's moving. Let's just keep it nice and buttoned real tight for just a second...So, if you're elected Senate, that means Bill will be alone most of the time. I wonder what he'll do with all that "alone" time? I guess he'll just have to find someone to take care of his Little Rock.
Hillary Clinton: Church Lady, I don't think it's fair to bring up my personal life..
Church Lady: Welllll, maybe if you had performed your Christian wifely duties, your husband wouldn't have had so much skin-hunger.
Hillary Clinton: That is clearly a distortion of the facts..
Church Lady: Oh, we're an intimidator. Newsflash - not afraid! Scoot down, had enough, there you go! [ Hillary scoots down ]
Now, our last guest is a crap singer - I mean, rap singer, I'm sorry. Apparently, Rosemary's Baby is all grown up. Please welcome Mr. Eminem. [ Eminem walks out and sits down ]
Eminem: What's up Church Lady?
Church Lady: Welllll, we're just a little buttercup, aren't we? But we love to say those nasty, dirty words, don't we? Let's play a little romantic ditty, right now, that you wrote for your wife. [ a portion of a bleeped-out version of "Kim" plays, as Eminem nods his head in time to the music ]
Welllll.. I bet that just swept her off her feet, didn't it!
Eminem: You don't know how to say it, Church Lady. There's a layer of irony to my rhymes that a lot of people don't get, you know what I'm saying? I'm an artist, yo!
Church Lady: You know what, Eminem.. I've been inspired by your musical artistry, and it goes a little something like this. Hit it, Pearl! [stands up and sings a variant of "The Real Slim Shady ]
[singing...]
"Wellll, I'm the Church Lady
Yes, I'm the real Lady
and all you Slim Shadies are headed for Hades.
Will the real Church Lady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?
'Cause I'm the Church Lady the real Lady
and all you Slim Shadies are headed for Hades.
Will the real Church Lady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?"
[ a line of Church Lady imposters march forward ]
Church Lady: And Superior!
[ they all do the Superior Dance ]
Church Lady: Bye, Satan!