CHIEF: Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever hone on. You probably won't get back alive.|
MAX: If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.
CHIEF: You'll parachute from 6 thousand feet.
MAX: I think I just learned it.
MAX: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the fun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator.
CHIEF: Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things.
MAX: But he doesn't know I'm a secret agent.
CHIEF: Well, how do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you?
MAX: Well, I told him I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue.
MAX: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost 20 minutes.
CHIEF: I know, 86. The traffic.
MAX: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled.
CHIEF: Max, I don't know what I'm going to do with you. You bungle assignment after assignment.
MAX: I resent that, Chief.
CHIEF: Do you deny it?
MAX: No, but I resent it.
CHIEF: There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. Maybe eve the Pentagon.
MAX: You're right, Chief, but even in they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for 3 days.
CHIEF: 3 days? Max, no agent could be that confused.
MAX: Well, let me see, I went in on a Friday...
SENATOR: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?
MAX: I don't know.
SENATOR: Who's the #1 man in your organization?
MAX: I don't know.
SENATOR: How many cases were assigned to Control last year?
MAX: I don't know.
SENATOR: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart.
MAX: They can't fire me.
SENATOR: And why is that?
MAX: I know too much.
99: Max, that was wonderful. How did you do that?
MAX: I sneezed.
99: Sometimes, I wish you were just an ordinary buisnessman.
MAX: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a buisnessman.
99: Oh, Max, how terrible.
MAX: He deserved it, 99. He was a Kaos killer.
99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.
MAX: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.
99: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.
MAX: There's something more important than medals, 99.
MAX: It's after 6:00. I get overtime.
MAX: Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee?
99: Yes, Max. It was a Kaos front. They stayed in buisness almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it?
MAX: It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town.
Max shoots window washer
99: Max, what did you do?!
MAX: Just eliminated a Kaos agent.
99: Well, how could you be sure?
MAX: Because, 99, my eagle eye picked out a few things that the ordinary person might not see. First of all, his sponge was absolutly filthy. Second, he was using horizontal strokes instead of vertical strokes. And finally, he was holding his squeegee with an overlapping lacrosse grip.
99: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.
MAX: I wasn't finished, 99.
99: Sorry, Max.
MAX: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.
99: Good thinking, Max.
CHIEF: All we know is that they threaten to wipe out the city containing our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders.
MAX: Well, at least Washington is safe.
CHIEF: 99, I'd like you to help me make out a report on tonight's activities.
99: Right, Chief. Usual procedure?
CHIEF: Naturally. 3 copies of the report.
99: File the master copy and burn the other two?
CHIEF: Of course
99: Chief, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do we bother making extra copies when all we do is destroy them?
CHIEF: It's a security procedure, 99.
99: Doesn't that strike you as a little odd?
CHIEF: Well, I used to think so too, but, well, it's all carefully explained in the Control Standard Procedure Handbook
99: Oh. MAy I take a look at that handbook sometime?
CHIEF: No, I'm afraid not, 99
99: Why's that?
CHIEF: We burned it.
CHIEF: Now, did you get all that?
MAX: Not all of it Chief.
CHIEF: What part didn't you get?
MAX: The part after "pay careful attention".
CHIEF: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
MAX: No, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.
CHIEF: Max, this chain is part of a massice smuggling operation to get the formula TK800 out of the country.
MAX: The TK800?
MAX: The TK800! Chief, if they ever get the TK800 out of the country, we're in for a lot of trouble.
MAX: There's only one thing that bothers me.
MAX: What's the TK800?
MAX: What are you saying, Chief, is now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when, and why.
CHIEF: No, forget about where. When we find out who, we'll know where.
MAX: Well, how will how tell us where?... You see all that you've told me is that we know hoe, but we don't know who, when or where, so that tells us that we don't know anything.
MAX: Well, we know tho and that doesn't tell us when, so why should how tell us where?
CHIEF: Max, you're driving me crazy.
CHIEF: Dont' say that word.
MAX: Well, that's it, Chief. I'm off.
CHIEF: All right, Max.
MAX: Oh, one more thing, Chief.
MAX: Where am I off to?
MAX: But I'm telling you, Chief, this is no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a Kaos man.
CHIEF: What's the man's name?
MAX: I can't remember.
CHIEF: What was the girl's name?
MAX: I didn't get it.
CHIEF: What about the license number of the girl's car?
MAX: I didn't see.
CHIEF: ow about the license of the other car?
MAX: I didn't notice.
CHIEF: Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like "I can't remember," "I didn't notice," and "I didn't see it"?
MAX: I don't know.
CHIEF: Kaos will have to find a new method of getting money for thei operations.
99: Like what, Chief?
CHIEF: Well, I imagine they'll go back to bank robbery, extortion, and kidnapping.
MAX: Well, it'll be nice to have things back to normal.
MAX: I don't think we should talk out here in the open. I think we should use the Cone of Silence.
CHIEF: Oh, Max, every time we use the Cone of Silence something terrible happens. Can't you just write it out to me on a piece of paper?
MAX: People can read a piece of paper.
CHIEF: I'll burn it afterwards.
MAX: Ashes can be reassembled.
CHIEF: I'll eat the note.
MAX: They can operate on you and get it back.
CHIEF: All right, Max. The Cone of Silence.
CHIEF: I'm sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, but we're facing a terrible crisis: the possible destruction of the entire world.
MAX: Well, couldn't it have waited until morning?
MAX: When I first came to Control, the Chief had hair.
99: Wehn I came to Sontrol, the Chief was bald.
MAX: That's right, you started 2 weeks after me.
CHIEF: Just don'y get caught, Max. Capture means cetain death.
MAX: Suicide mission, e, Chief? Well, you picked the right man.
CHIEF: I hope so.
MAX: You hope what? That you picked the right man? Or that it's a suicide mission?