Today my gripe is about cellular phones. I am so fucking sick of them. Everywhere I go, I hear a neat little jingle on one, see an ad for one, hear one on the radio, or see the purple dude from the Primeco commercial (I have to be on great drugs for that one)... I think you get the hint. Whoever invented this shit is probably some self serving mother fucker who thought it would be so cute to have a phone everywhere you go. (I am going somewhere with this so sit tight).
OK. So, I am on my way to Naperville, driving down 53 South from Lake Cook Rd. This is a long drive down the expressway. I must have seen at least seven different motherfuckers talking on their stupid cellular phones...and driving. First you have Mr. Fucking Joe Cool who has to drive 85 miles an hour down the highway. To make it even more dangerous, he has a fucking microwave in his hand. This means he is not only driving like a retard, but he is driving with one hand. Instead of being focused clearly on the road, he's looking at his thin ass anorexic bitch (who he plans to bend over the trunk of his car and piledriver her ass). Why does he have to talk on the phone while driving? Oh yeah. Like Chris Elliot said in "Something About Mary", masturbating is the best thing to do before a date. This means he is using no hands to drive. Stupid ass. While Kamikaze drives off, a bitch almost hits me while coming into my lane. And what is she doing??? TALKING ON THE FUCKING PHONE WHILE DRIVING. And then she flicks me off like I did something wrong. By the time I get to Thorndale Rd, here we have another jimok who wants to read AND talk on the phone. Something tells me that he is talking to a bookie. Well, I hope he loses, can't pay, and gets his hands cut off so he can never use the phone again. Then, I get this 82 year old fuck in front of me going 35 miles an hour... on the expressway. Guess what she is doing? She is on the fucking phone. Probably talking to one of her bingo buddies about Wednesday's bargain day at Walmart. I mean, can't these people wait until they are out of the car? Then the best one is, I accidentally cut someone off. And they slow down. You know why? So they can call the cops on their cell phone. Especially because they see a joint in my mouth. They are most likely some tight ass losers whose parents beat them. One overall message to these fucks. THESE ARE FUCKING AUTOMOBILES, NOT PHONE BOOTHS, JAGOFFS!!!!
You know, instead of arresting people for smoking pot, they should start nailing the bastards who commit this crime. It is alot more dangerous to drive and talk on the phone. Now, here is the part where I just get annoyed.
First off, we have to have phones with these stupid little jingles. (Ex. jingle bells, the national anthem, God Save the Queen) While sitting at my fucking job, (and not like it isn't annoying enough that I have to listen to customers bitch to me), I have to listen to the whole worldwide ensemble of cell phone jingles. I just want to take the fucking things and throw them at the wall. They are so annoying. And then I love it when I see rich little wives who suck off their man's boss, walking around the mall talking on a cell phone about the sale at Nordstrom's. What?! You couldn't wait until you got home? I also love it when I take a girl out to a nice restaurant, hoping to get her in bed by whispering sweet nothings in her ear, and....DOO DOO DEE DEE DEE, another fucking phone. And it wasn't like this woman's children were drowning! She was telling her parents that the Cubs lost again. IN A NICE RESTAURANT. Come on you fucking bitch, I am trying to get some here. Take the phone and make it one of the specials for the night. Hell, these fucking people eat cow's asses, I really don't think they would mind cell phones with sauce.
It has become apparent to me that the public is too obsessed with convenience. In the Ranger's mind, convenience is fucking annoying, and someone should do something about it. It is annoying not because it makes things easier, but because the lowly human race abuses the shit out of it. When are we going to start worrying about taking care of ourselves? When are we going to stop letting little gadgets and machines take over our lives? We should be forced to get up and change the channel every once in a while! We should use an ax instead of a chainsaw to cut down a tree (then again, what business is it of ours to cut down trees). What the human race needs now is one big fucking blowjob, because it will help people to relax and stop worrying about whether or not their cell phones work. Then again, that's my opinion. If you like cell phones, good for you. Take the fucking thing and shove it up your ass until you puke out bits of computer pieces and plastic.
In the meantime, I would like to say thanks to Dave Dluger for letting bygones be bygones and giving me another shot at WHCM. THE INVASION HAS BEGUN AGAIN!!!! You can hear me on WHCM in buildings A,L, and J (the Sac, business building and liberal arts center) on Tuesdays 7AM-9AM. I will have new hours next semester.
I also would like to give a quick hello and thanks to the whole cast and crew of An Italian Straw Hat which will be an experience that I will always cherish and remember- and be proud that I was a part of it. I hope to see you guys at BONG B4 XMAS on Saturday. And a special thank you to director Mary Jo Willis for giving me a chance to use the little talent I have. You are a great director.
That is all I have for this month. Happy Millennium, and this may very well be the last Tales ever. (End of the world shit is getting quite annoying too, actually.) Thank you for your support. And make sure I see your ass is in Des Plaines for The Bong B4 Xmas this weekend.
Sing a song, do a bong,
THE STONED RANGER