Jokes that make you Laugh
Laugh
Thanks to the folks from the "forgies" and fellows colleague who passed the jokes along ...
The Talking Clock
A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's
that big brass basin for?"
"That's the talking clock," answered the man.
He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed,
"Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you idiot?
non
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of
Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions
close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully
sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a
moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
non
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he
needed to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During W.W.II I hid Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Who is the smartest?
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither
of the clerics is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest".
I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have
meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the
rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of
Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands
the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to
the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately
puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No... I think I'll just wait for the police."
The Horse and The Rabbit
One day a horse and a rabbit were grazing in a farmer's pasture. The horse, not paying
attention, fell into a large mud pit.
The horse, crying for help, said to the rabbit,
"Rabbit, go get the farmer to help me outta this mud pit."
The rabbit, with all his
rabbit-like speed, ran to the farmer's house. But alas…the farmer was not at home. Thinking
as rabbits do, he jumped into the farmer's Porsche and sped down toward the stuck horse.
The rabbit told the horse, "Horse don't worry, I will save you." As the rabbit said this,
he tied a rope around the bumper of the Porsche and threw the other end to the horse. The
horse grabbed on, the rabbit stepped on the gas, and the horse was freed.
The next day, the horse and the rabbit were again frolicking in the farmer's pasture. Only
this time the rabbit fell into the mud pit and found himself stuck.
"Horse, please, please go get the farmer to help me outta this pit." The horse said to the
rabbit, "No I will get you out myself." As the horse said this, he gingerly straddled the
sides of the mud pit and walked until he was directly above the rabbit.
"Rabbit", he said, "Grab on to my "privates", and I will pull you out." The rabbit, not
wanting to die, grabbed on to the horse's private parts and was pulled to safety!
The moral to this story is ... "If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche"
woman and her' baby
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops &
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized
and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there
and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
COMMUNICATION:
A two-way street with potholes Gestures have the same potential for making trouble that words have: About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.!
The Jews realised that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.!
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."!
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"!
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."!
"And then?" asked a woman.!
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."!
A Priest & A Nun:
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they
came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but
only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you
sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag,
got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started
to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,
"Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again,
put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea.
We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what
happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid
blanket!
Trucker & the Nerds:
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign
on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs,
says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from
the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers
are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around
his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and
pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not
to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are
in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an
accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and
computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees
a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all
engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes
he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in
season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
A Priest & A Nun:
There's an old man sitting on the front porch with no pants on. His 7 yr old Grandson asks him why he is on the front porch with no pants on,
but he calmly stares off into the distance as if pondering something. Finally the grandson asks again WHY grandpa WHY!?
He turns and looks at the boy and says "Yesterday I fell asleep out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck! THIS....is your grandmothers Idea!!"
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