Welcome to my world
08/22/2002-The dreams keep reoccurring. So many things left undone in my life. But what more can I do when the ghosts of my past keep haunting me? I hate leaving them undone but there is no means of closure. My words are nothing to them. My screams are no more whispers from a miles away. Sometimes I just wonder if this world will ever hear. I suppose only time will tell.
08/23/2002-I watch as this world turns. As every moment passes. What more can I do in a world where they choose not to hear me or listen? What more can I do when the odds are always stacked against me, when I fight to preserve what I believe in? I try to talk to them but it is like I am not even there, like I am no more than the wind blowing. My screams are no more than whispers at most, imaginary voices.
08/24/2002-I remember she once told me she was sorry for casting me out of paradise. She said she was sorry for taking my humanity and my heart and throwing it into the abyss. She told me that abandoning me was the hardest decision she had to make. She set me free but upon a wasteland of anger and despair, gave me a castle built upon a pedestal of loneliness. And according to her, she feels terrible for what she had done to me, or so goes her claim. Such is my life, such is my story, always to that end.
08/25/2002-To all things in life, there should come a resolution. In mine, it is still an everchanging puzzle, one that gets more and more complex with the passing of time. Each answer I find leads to more questions and each question I find the answers to only opens even more doors. One would almost suspect that it is one big recursive circle. A vicious circle of loneliness, abandonment and isolation. But it is all about the missing pieces. One piece in particular still eludes me to this day. One could say that it is the heart of, the very essence of, or the reason for my conflict. Spent my whole life searching, yearning for that chance. Always felt unworthy of being good enough or just enough.
08/26/2002-Trust, indeed it is a rarity that I ever give it. They keep telling me that I need to trust others more than I do, that not everyone is a vulture or a thief, that I should have more faith in humanity. Trust and faith, how they always seem to walk hand in hand. Human kindness always seems to overflow. But when they get bored of me, when they no longer feel they need me, they leave me there to die. Is that all that is left for my life? Abandonment and alienation? What happened to the happy ending that they promised? They give me a paradise to share but no one to share it with? How can it be? Such is life I suppose for the one and only lonely.
08/27/2002-I descend deeper and deeper into my own sea of madness. Does this world even hear me? Or does it hear me and choose not to listen? They say that permanent escape is the solution to all problems but I will not take that way out, it is too easy. The existing problem will always be there, the only factor that would change is me and that would bring pleasure to them. You ask, why do I hate them? They do not hear my cries for need. Why do they not listen to me? If they do listen, they always turn away just as easily only to return and haunt me.
08/28/2002-Always in my best interest. Everything is done always in my best interest. As if they know better than I do what my best interest is. As if they listen to me to find out what my best interest is. And then they have the audacity to tell me to ask. How do I ask when no one even listens!?!?!? Maybe it's just me, maybe in this world we live, maybe I am just not really saying anything. Maybe in my own mind, I am convinced I am speaking but in reality I am isolated in some padded room in a straight jacket talking to figments of my imagination. Sometimes I just wonder. Perhaps no more than words of a madman.
08/29/2002-I lie awake in my dimly lit room staring up at the ceiling. I can hear the screams of the past haunting me. The echoes reverberating in my mind. The sadness and the tragedy this room has seen and heard. Images flashing before me of a time when I was innocent, oblivious to this cursed reality that surrounds me. I see the childs eyes as he realizes all that he knows is no more than a facade. I lie awake in my dimly lit room staring up at the ceiling. I know the child and I know his pain. And I know the longing he feels.
08/30/2002-Don't preach to me that your God will save my soul, for it is your very God that has forsaken me to this cursed world of despair and isolation. Every passing moment fading me into the abyss. Heartbroken and abandoned, hoping. Save the speech for those soldiers who sought to spread the word of your God. and remember those you left lying in the battlefield, those who feel, those who you claimed to have died for your cause. Not all of them were dead. It was just that you abandoned all hope in them.
08/31/2002-It feels as if the world is doing all it can to alienate me from everything in my life. The hatred eating me up from within until nothing but a shell is left. Deprived of humanity, left only a hunger with a need to be fed, a great emptiness to be filled and an endless aching desire for fulfillment,
09/01/2002-With every passing day, I fall deeper and deeper into the abyss. Through treachery I have slowed the descent but it is only a matter of time and the treachery makes the moment all the more painful. Why am I to walk this path? Is this my condemnation? Is this what is left for me?
09/02/2002-Sometimes the memories of the past still linger within my mind. How I yearn so, hoping, wishing that the pieces of my past could have been part of my future. So much left undone, no closure, no resolution. Long ago the memories used to be moments that wished me well. Now they serve as demons that forever torment me, reminding me of a time when I was innocent.
09/03/2002-As the days pass, I loose more and more hope. Is this their idea of a cruel game to play on me or do they choose not to listen or show themselves? It feeds me hope but always when I respond, there is no answer. Rekindled, unkindled, rekindled, unkindled. When will this recursive cycle stop? Why can I not live without the isolation that has forsaken me? I walk this world a stranger, and I walk this world alone. How could you just abandon me to this cruel world, to walk the cursed earth, in all my glorious loneliness? Constantly reminded of how alone I really am, and then giving me hope just to take it away from me once again. You speak of human kindness, but where and when is it being shown back to me? Perhaps I am missing your "bigger picture" or perhaps you are out there still trying to find me. Either way, the flame has died and the only light I have is that of a candle burning from a distance. Thank you for the hope you brought me, but now I realize the fate you have given me. All I need to do now is to accept it.
09/04/2002-Left alone with the thoughts and the torment that plague me. Do they still remember me; does she still remember or even think about me? Or am I just another lonely face in this great sea of onlyness, trapped within a facade of confirmity. My world, my fate, my curse, my melancholia. How easy it is for them to find their purpose, their cause, their place in this world, this society. To them, I am not forsaken but I am not a part of them.
09/10/2002-Life is not a game and therefore, should not be governed by such. Too many people still remain ignorant to such a point. As if a book or a song or a show makes us commit actions reprehensible by the standards which are set by society. It is by choice that we commit such actions. Words merely written or spoken have no meaning until the mind receives the message and interprets it. "Different words mean different things to different people." Yet in all cases, there can be common ground shared. I suppose it is much easier to blame the game, blame the music, blame the movies as oppose to taking responsibility for our own actions. "Judas Priest made my son shoot himself", "Eminem tells us to hate gays and lesbians", "Dungeons & Dragons made my son shoot someone." Since when did such a book make someone get a gun and shoot someone else? A book that talks about mythical creatures and heroes that don't even use guns. Think about it.
09/11/2002-One year a ago, we all witnessed the tragedy that rocked the United States. That day, so many died, friends, family, loved ones, those we cared for. Too many deaths that day. Why did they have to die? For what reason? Who gave these terrorists the divine right? Gerry Falliwell says that God gave them the right. According to good old Gerry, we, as Americans were being punished for all the Gays, murderers, and rapists in our society. Sorry Gerry, I have to totally disagree with you and you old buddy Patty Robertson on that. This happened because one leader wanted to get revenge on Americans. This leader had followers who were willing to die for HIS cause, so they decided to hijack some airplanes and run them into places that are very significant to us as Americans. As much as I dislike politics, President Bush did really well with showing his concern and even reminding us of our "Strong Resolve". I do not claim to be a patriot but I was truly touched by what he said. It saddens me that those people died that day. And it saddens me even more that there are vultures and theives who capitalize on such a tragedy by remarking that God was punishing us or by raising prices to make a profit.
09/18/2002-Is this the curse that I am to live? "Is this all that's left of my life before me?" "Is there anybody listening?" Comdemned to be treated as if I am a ghost, as if I am unseen or unheard. The world through my eyes, please correct me if I am wrong, if you even care to prove me wrong, which from the responses, I have yet to be wrong. Society fears those who stand alone, those who are alone. That is why they stay within their groups, their security blankets, the numbers that keep them safe. Afraid to leave the security of the group and see the world around for what it is.
09/20/02-Deeper and deeper as I travel through the darkest recesses of this abyss. It is all I have left for me, it is all I know of. This is the world you give me. Why do they not hear me? Why do they not listen? Is this my curse? The gift this world has given me, their way of masking the reality that is me. Is this what I get? Left here alone and unheard onnly to be constantly reminded that there is something better out there in this world that I shall never be allowed to reach. That better out there, you show it to me, you promise to take me there, to let me create a paradise there. But then you turn away leaving me there deprived of all my hopes, my dreams. Why do you forsake me?
09/23/02-Always standing alone to face the demons and the ghosts of my past. Always haunted by the memories, remembering the voices from so long ago. I guess Judas Priest best put it, "We both know what memories can bring, they bring diamonds and rust." To me that means that remembering such things can be both good and bad. I do have to face many ghosts and demons, I just wish I didn't have to face so many. So much left undone, so much not put to rest. I always remember the feeling of being so near, and then the sadness when they abandon me. It's always that same story for me. "Diamonds and rust". It is so hard to live with the memories. I remember the warmth I felt but then I also remember the abandonment and isolation that I feel. The happiness and sadness that always fight from within, so hard to keep to one feeling when both are at war from within. What more can I really do? And is there anybody really listening?
10/01/2002-I don't know anymore. I'm tired of trying to be heard, tired of not being heard, and just tired of being tired. What more can I do when all the screams are nothing more than whispers in their world? What more can I do, when I am heard but the response is no more than one word as if asking a question that only requires a yes or no answer? What more can I do?
10/02/2002-I lie there awake in the dark, inside my room, with my eyes open. Passing the time listening to a plethora of music playing in my head, every song different but all played the same, much like an old broken record. Sometimes, the song skips or repeats, lyrics heard but not clear enough to comprehend or understand or seem to have no meaning or hold no validity to my mind. My only true friend in this world, the solitary refinement that my room offers, the darkness within it that embraces me regardless, accepts me for who I am. Ghosts reverberate off the room echoing the memories of what once was, telling my story but only heard like the words of an empty book, unseen until given a meaning or a purpose.
10/09/2002-When we open that door between the then and the now, we should be prepared for what demon comes out. I thought I was ready to face what was coming through that door, I thought I could take it on. I look back to find reasons, why does it always end the same, in the end, why am I left here. Left here with the memories. "Diamonds and Rust". I know the past as if it was yesterday, haunted to relive it time and again. What does one do when he is lost in the world fading with each passing moment?
10/23/2002-It has been quote some time since I have last written you and for that I apologize. I've many excuses. I could give you words to beguile and perhaps even astonish you, but that is not my nature, therefore, there is no justification for such action. Much has befallen my life which has shrouded the path I walk. I fear looking back for the memories, as comforting as they are, haunt me as well. Madness envelopes the air I breathe. What more can I say or do? How can I not stand alone? Who will be there for me? Who will take away the tears and the pain? Hearing but never listening. I can see the path that lies ahead of me. I do not like what I see, but I shall face it as I have and see what comes of it.
10/30/2002-I have arms therefore I should be able to kill myself. I have leg, therefore I can run away. But what is the point when there is no where to run? How do we justify our shattered dreams, the hopes we've had? Who will listen? They tell me not to be so negative. Tell me, why not? This world has not showed me enough mercy and human kindness. I have made the offer to prove me wrong but thus far, you still have yet to do so.
11/21/2002-When does tough love become nothing more than just total brutality? I sat there last night and listened to the words screamed at me for breaking "our family tradition." Because I didn't look into every nook and cranny to see if there was anyone else around. If you ask me, they just want a simple reason to resort to hostile words. I could see the shear pleasure in their faces. They tell me to walk away, but how can I walk away when they are in my face, following me and trying to get me to resort to violence? "You got my attention, but rest assure you are not going to like what you asked for. You got my attention the moment you laid your hands upon him. Now you got this demon to deal with. My hands are whiped clean of the blood. What happens to you from this point on is your own fault, and you have been warned."
12/26/2002-To everything there comes a price in life. I still wonder if I will ever get another dream, another chance in my life to find something special. I wonder if the dreams and the wishes are for everyone else. Maybe it is theirs, but when do I get my turn? Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to see that my friends and my family find that special thing in their lives, but what about mine? When will I find it? When will it be my turn? "What's a fire and how does it, what's the word?, burn?" But all I see are careless hearts and hopeless dreams. Perhaps I am just being self centered for even thinking such. When I look at all the sadness that has befallen so many, I suppose my needs are dwarfed compared to that. I just don't see how it is so easy for everyone else but takes me so many years to find and when I do, it leaves me just as soon as it finds me.
12/31/2002-Last entry of the year. What more to say? I've taken much time to reflect upon my own life. Perhaps it is for the better that my dreams don't come true. Perhaps they were never meant to be. Maybe I am just expecting too much. Maybe I am not seeing the bigger picture. It could just all be in my head.
02/14/2003-I keep asking myself why. I still have not lost hope. Why? The world turns its back on me, doesn't even acknowledge that I exist even after scream after scream after scream. What does it take to be heard? Still no one has proven me wrong. How will I learn, if no one teaches me? How can I be taught, if I do not ask? But how can I ask, if no one hears me? Be happy today, they tell me, because it's Valentine's Day. Easy for you to say. You have your world, you aren't trapped inside looking out, you don't have to be alone, you have your life. I don't get a life.
03/09/2003-Why I am always reminded of the ghosts of my past, by the memories of what could have been? I fear to even close my eyes knowing full well that the dreams will always be there to remind me of what I once had, what I could have had. No matter how my heart needs, longs for what I want, I know I will never get what I wish for. Dream are wishes that the heart makes, that much is true. No matter how hard I try to believe, no matter just how much faith I put into it, they cannot come true. It is alot easier for you when you are on that other side of the fence to say that one day, I will find the heart I have been waiting for. I have been searching all my life. Constantly reminded of what I don't have, having it shoved in my face day after day after day. Your not the one who has to be reminded of what you don't have, your not the one who has the haunting dreams. You don't have to face that, not anymore. But no one ever reads this, no one ever comes to this part of site to read through all my crazed delusional mutterings. You just look over it and say, "Oh, that is good!" It's morbid, it's sad, it's dark and most of all, it is depressing. Do you think it is "good" that I am plagued by this? Is it "good" to know that my dreams tear me apart from within? You have your world of peachy keen jelly bean, live in it and enjoy what you have. Enjoy that which I do not have. Good bye for now.
05/01/2003-Still searching for a place in this world. Thing made so much hard since that fated day in March. They always say that for an end there is always a new beginning, another chance. Still no luck in finding any pieces to that puzzle. On one part, one would think that someone out there would hire me into a position that utilizes my skills to their potential and challenge them to go further. With my background and my credentials, one would figure that I would be hired off within a drop of the dime. They don't require anyone with my skill. So let me get this straight, you can't find room for someone who can build computers from scratch, someone who can research, someone who has been in Public Relations, Quality Assurance, Sales and service representation, Adminstrative assisting, Customer Service relations, Insurance services, with a typing speed of well over 60 words a minute, adept at computer software/hardware troubleshooting, photography both black and white and color. Surely someone is out there who is in need of those skills. But it is them against me. As the song goes,"Living just isn't hard enough. Living my life's not hard enough." They were so determined to find a reason to let me go, and I cannot argue with it. I am no more than a hired pawn.
06/07/2003-I don't know. Maybe I just felt like writing today. As if the world really cared what I said or what I wrote. Maybe it's because I keep on hoping that someone will listen. Fat chance though, but I guess there's nothing wrong with a little wishful thinking. Perhaps not right now, maybe later or down the line or even never. Well, I tire of writing any further so I will probably write again when I feel like spilling my guts again.
07/06/2003-Everywhere I look, every time I hear, everything I see, it's always the same thing over and over and over again. "Talk to us and we will listen." "Message me and we'll have a conversation." But every time, it is always the same story. I watch TV, I change the channel, I look at a newpaper, I go on the computer, I see a constant reminder of what I do not have, as if they will not let me have it or they do not want me to have it. The world is already a cruel place and humanity is but a festering, contradictory concept of the kindness it claims to. So why do they have what I do not? Why am I constantly reminded of that which I do not have? When will someone hear my crying heart? Or is this no more than a hopeless dream? Something that belongs to everyone else but keeps me alienated. Will you hear me, will you ever answer back, or will you just leave me locked behind this door never to know that feeling again? I only wish you would answer and that is all I can and hope for.
07/20/2003-One more day. I will have existed for 29 years. It's always been for 28 years past that I spend that day alone. Without that special someone in my heart. Maybe it is my curse, maybe it is what I am condemned to. After 28 years of that, it has gotten rather tiresome. Yeah, I have had relationships, but they would break up with me before my birthday because of personal problems only to resolve them after my birthday has past. It gets repeticious after awhile. I mean, don't get me wrong, my family always makes me feel happy and all and being surrounded by my closest friends and family makes me happy but I long for that special someone in my life. Just for once, I would like that. Maybe I am just being trivial but just for once, I would like for that feeling not to abandon me. Who ever really reads this though? Everyone tells me to try this and try that. I have tried all that and still have yet for someone who even listen. Every day I exist, I keep hoping that one day, someone will break that curse and break the chains that bind me. So there you have it, my confession, my torment, there is that feeling I have hidden for so long. I cannot stand being no more than a shadow or a whisper a mile away. Truth is, my life is no more than a tragedy, many stories but all ending the same.
08/23/2003-Perhaps I should have cried out discrimination, perhaps I should have gotten my revenge upon them, but that is not who I am. They wanted to get rid of me and they got what they wanted. I hope they are in their little peachy keen world. I hope that one day, someone stand up to them and shoves it back to them. I look back at the moment and regret that it wasn't me. But I realize this, would I be a better person if I did destroy them? Destruction only breeds more destruction and even moreover, hatred. I do not plan to stoop to their level. I only wish and hope that if it has not been already, that someone, anyone puts them through what they put me. Living life is hard enough, but to have to endure the constant discrimination at their hands because of my race and because I didn't associate with their little circle of friends is not right. And to add more insult, those who mistreated everyone else got taken out of that position only to be promoted to higher positions. Is this the world we live in? Is this the human kindness we claim to? If it is, than I suppose that makes me a horrible human being.
09/06/2003-I am beginning to realize just how alone I am in this world. I realize that people will always alienate me. I realize that I could care less either way anymore. Yesterday, I spent all day waiting for a call that never came. Then come to find out, they all hung out without me. I guess that's what happens. That's alright though. Happens all the time to me, they forget and here I am waiting, hoping. I didn't like to be alone. Most of my friends are living elsewhere. These recent events made me realize that I am meant to be without. Everything works to isolate me so why not just accept it? Why not just let them alienate me, isolate me, abandon me? They are so determined, may as well let them win. Once I hated this alienation they had given me, now I have learned to accept it. That's what they wanted, that's what they gave me, that's what I'll take. Go back to the me that once was. Alone and always.
10/17/2003-With each passing day, I feel more and more alone. All of my friends are either too far off or have other friends and lives to be involved with. All day, I spend looking for a job and running errands and fixing things around the house. But I keep looking out at the world. It seems to have no place for me or doesn't want to make a place for me in it. Every aspect of my life seems to isolate me, keep me alone, locked up in my room like a prison. I don't like going out alone because it gives me a constant reminder of that which I do not have. All I see are the crowds, so happy so together, and here I am all by myself. How can I be sociable if no one wants to talk, how can I find someone when no wants to listen? How can I be together if no one wants to be alone with me? I want to take a gun to my head sometimes, because I have lost the will. I keep hoping and doing what I can to make that hope a reality, but I can no longer keep going if all that is shown to me is isolation, alienation, and abandonment. I still have yet to be proven wrong, and right now, I really don't think anyone has the guts to do so.
03/02/2004-A new year, a new time. Life is much easier but the shadows still lurk. I do not fear my nightmares any longer because my dreams haunt my every move. "I can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart." The feelings I hold within I cannot deny, her demons haunt me. Why won't the world listen with this matter? I have overcome all the obstacles they have thrown in my way so why I am still being tripped up? The holes still remain and the heart will never fill.
04/24/2004-They keep telling me that I will not be alone forever. That one day I will find that special someone I will spend my life with. It's easy for them to say when they have what I don't. I never should have went to see them. I know they meant well, but I hate being reminded that I won't get that chance, that I don't get to have that chance. How can one get a chance when the screams are no more than whispers in the wind, thought to be heard but ignored, written off as no more than what was a thought to be heard? So don't speak to me of what you do have that I don't have of what I could have. I really don't need to hear that because that is all I have ever heard and have yet to see for myself. Prove to me that someone listens, someone hears, someone reads this. Prove to me that you are not as ignorant as I see you to be. They keep telling me that I am smart, intelligent, poetic and handsome, that if they weren't married or dating someone else, that they would be with me. That, I will believe when I see it for myself. Again, prove me wrong, prove me wrong.
04/26/2004-They will always remind me of this empty place in my heart. Constantly remind me of what I don't have, of the life that I cannot have, of my place in this world. Remind me of things I can never again have or hold. I have asked myself time and again, am I alone in this world, is this what is meant for me? They keep telling me that no one in this world deserves to be alone if they don't want to be. I don't want to be alone. I guess it only applies when you are not alone like me. Always a crazy world, this crazy place. I look out at them so happy, so together and I realize that no one will ever give that to me. An unrequitted hope, an impossible dream that I can never have, belonging to everyone else but me.
05/11/2004-Every life seems like a fairy tale. Living happily ever after. Sometimes I wonder where my happily ever after is or if it will ever be. It's more like a constant gauntlet I am running through to survive and live on. With my demons and ghost serving as those on the sideline trying to keep me from continuing. I wonder if I will ever find that absolution, that one solution, the final resolution. I just do not wish for the emptiness to consume me, my world without. And still no one hears, such is life.
06/07/04-Nothing, it is what I am, it is what I have, it is what I will be. In time even you will forget who I am or that I even exist in life. To you, I am already nothing or becoming nothing. My screams are no more than whispers to you, my need means nothing. My gift to you is to show you the sanity which lies within you comparative to my madness, my chaos. I am the psychotic among the sane that sings a songs for others to know. I cannot live among the psychos for I do not wish to live their life. I do not fit among the normal people because to them, I am crazy. Cherish your status in society while they still let you have it. For one day, you may see it from where I stand, to look in that mirror, and realize that the person staring back at you is me, for I could be you.
06/29/04-Must be nice to live in your world privy to the loneliness that binds us all. Be happy in the fact that you are heard when you speak. Know that every word you speak from your heart is heard. Must be nice to know that you no longer have to be reminded of what you don't have or that you do not have to be alone anymore if you do not wish to be. No one listens, no one hears me, prove me wrong. I have written here for over a year and still no one has had the guts to stand up to me and tell me that I am wrong.
09/22/04-Still cannot erase the hate. I can still hear the echoes. I realize that I must come to terms with everything, what I have done, what has happened, the damage done to me. I find it hard to remember the feeling of how things used to be. Remembering the feeling of being close and secure in knowing that I wasn't alone. All I know now is the cold feeling of the abyss I bind myself to, its darkness surrounding me in its own safety. I see your world and accept that I cannot be a part of it. All I can do is to be but an observer trapped behind the veil protecting you from the abyss I have so become accustomed to. Live safely in the world that has embraced you and be happy that it has. I have yet to be heard by it.
11/01/2004-Hopefully a promise of better times. Still have yet to hear from those who stood me up on my last travels. I assume that they must think I am upset. Thing is, I don't get upset anymore from such things. Those things have happen to me so much in my lifetime. Just have to learn to accept them as they come. Even though it means all but one friend stood me up at that time. To add more insult to injury, that same night I got home, I was talking to a friend online just to have her boyfriend come on and tell me to leave her alone because he didn't want her talking to me, but she didn't even have the courage to tell me that she couldn't talk to me at that moment. I won't mention any names being doing so would only be improper and if they read this passage, they know who they are.
03/06/2005-Why must I be condemned to always be abandon and to be looked upon by hostile eyes? Everywhere I go, they always find a reason to hate me or make a reason to hate me. Even around me they are all against me, no one stands with me, I am forced to stand by myself against eveyone else and then looked upon as the one that has the problems, the issues, the broken promises made. I keep asking why but I get no answers and I know that no one listens. What is my purpose if no one will listen? If I am not the threat, why do you make me the enemy? And if I broke your trust in me, where is the proof that I broke it? The proof is not there yet the jury already decides me guilty.
05/13/2005-"I know you think we can't be together, but can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? I know there'll be risks but I want to face them with you. It's wrong that we should be only half alive... half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am - standing in your doorway. I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?" Half alive, half ourselves. I dream of the day that some fair maiden will say such words to me and make me feel whole again, sometimes it makes me look forward to the life that lies ahead of me. But I realize that in order to have that wish come true there has to be someone at the other end who feels for me the way I feel for her. Isn't it about time someone saved my life? I wonder if it even matters or even makes a difference if I hold on for just a few more seconds. I want to keep holding on in the hopes of being saved yet I want to let go because it seems that no one wishes to save me. The people of the world still ignore my existence, no matter how hard I scream, no matter how I try to make them hear me, for even a brick wall gives me more courtesy.
07/07/2005-I look forward to what the future has in store for me and for the first time in a long time, words cannot begin to describe my elation. Finally after all these years a feeling has returned to me that I had lost so long ago. I sought long and hard and just when I was about to give up, it found me again, she found me. I dreamed for so long, about meeting her, I knew not who she was, where she was, or how I would find her. I didn't even know where I would begin. I thought it was only a crazy dream for she was someone I could only hope to find. But she found me first, she saved my life and she gave me something I had lost so long ago. I hope she knows how I feel.
07/31/2005-The words keep echoing in my head. I will do what I must even if it means their trust in me is destroyed. They will never let me go unless I do this, and I know they will not agree with my decision. I told myself I would avoid this course of action by any means necessary, but now I can see it is the only course of action to take. It saddens me very much that I must do it this way. I only hope that one day they will understand why I did what I did. I cannot take it anymore, living as they want me to, doing as they ask me to, being what they want me to. As long as I am here, I cannot have that chance, I cannot take that risk, I cannot know for sure. I must take that chance, that risk so I can know for sure. All my life I lived to please them, to do as they wish, to help them. Now it is my time to live my life, to help myself. And I shall do what I must to make that possible.
09/05/2005-One big chain of recursive events. Too many sorrows caused by one chain of events. Sometimes I wonder if this is what is left for me. Loneliness, isolation, condemnation. Perhaps they don't hear me for a reason. Perhaps I am meant to only be half myself, half alive, all alone. No one comes here to read this and no one cares to anyways or to know the pain and torment I constantly feel. I never want to be alone or abandoned, but all the response I ever get is getting walked over, being ignored, being overlooked. Is it wrong for me not to be alone in life, to feel wanted, to be special, to feel special and to have someone special in my life? No one, not even my mortal enemy deserves such a fate nor would I ever wish it upon anyone but why is it so hard for anyone, to even see me. Yeah, I always get that, "Oh but you are a great guy, don't you ever forget that. And if I weren't with someone else, I would be with you." or all the same words but instead change the last sentence to, "Someone will find you or you'll find someone." crap. Everyone else who wants that in life has it, so why can't I?
09/27/2005-I think about many things. Most of all, as of late, I think about the loneliness that plagues me, the emptiness within that binds me, reminding me that I am alone in this world. Trapped within a prison without walls, everywhere I see, they are all together, all happy yet none acknowledge my existence within that world. As if I am no more than the wind blowing by, a scream that is there but only as a slight whisper. I want love, I want companionship, I don't wish to be alone, it was never my intention to be alone. No one deserves to be alone in that capacity if they do not wish to be, yet here I am, half alive, half myself. I know, I don't have the look you look for or make the money you need so you no longer have to work and go where you please spending the money I make. I could roll out a red carpet for you and throw down rosepetals before your feet so you don't have to walk upon the tainted ground. I could write an ode to your beauty. But these things mean nothing because I am not tall, dark, handsome, rich, powerful or, in your eyes, existent. Sorry to disappoint you.
12/13/2005-Sometimes we take what we have for granted. Who would have thought that a simple pet could bring such happiness and then be gone. He saw me through hard times, he was there for me when I needed a friend. He was sick and dying and yet he was there for me without a second thought, even at times doing so at great risk. When I was alone and lonely, he came to me as a friend to keep me company. "A beautiful smile to hide the pain." Goodbye my little Waldorf. You are greatly missed and will never be forgotten. You are my dearest friend. Nothing can hurt you anymore and I know that you are a in place where I hope one day to see you. I know you will be waiting and I look forward to seeing you one day. I guess God could not stand to see you suffer any longer. Thank you for everything and thank you for being a part of my life. 4:30am
12/14/2005-Going through a plethora of emotions today. Still finding it hard to come to terms with yesterday. I came home yesterday and was expecting to see him waiting for me there, wagging his tail and then nudging my arm for attention when I would kneel down to give him and his brothers attention or expecting to see him lying in my bed waiting for me to pet him. Even though my room is a cluttered mess, it just seems so empty now. Still can't believe he is physically gone; the reality of his death is a reminder to me that I have lost one of my best friends.
01/30/06-Parents should never have to bury their own children such as an old friend should not have to hear that a long time friend has passed so soon. We grieve for her because now it is a world without her. For me, it is the loss of a very dear friend, a mentor at the same time a student. Krystel you will be forever remembered in my heart as one of those who I hold dearest. You are an intellectual in this world who touched so many and most of all to me, you were kindred, and I love you like no other. No unease on this world can hurt you anymore but you will be sadly missed my dear friend. I shall hope to meet you again one day but for now, go to God and know that you go with our hopes and love. "You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here."
06/30/2006-It has been quite sometime since I had last written anything on here and for that I apologize. I had plenty to think about lately with so much going on in my life. Sadly I heard about a dog that was shot in Springfield, IL causing much controversey, I shall follow that story and see what comes of it. It was raining and thundering here earlier today. Kinda got me thinking. I miss my dog Waldorf alot and remember his undying loyalty to me and how he had passed on. Thing was, he was always afraid of the sound of thunder and would get quite jittery when such times would present themselves. The thunder got me wondering though if he is up in heaven somewhere perhaps running to God when it is thundering. I do miss him alot and I keep telling myself that he, like all dear friends who are no longer with us, is in a place where no disease or pain can hurt him. But it is still hard for me to believe he is no longer here. I remember having a very bad day, being accused of doing everything under the sun and getting away from everyone by locking myself in my room until I heard this clawing at my door and there he was waiting to come in, jump on my bed as if to say, "Hey, don't get mad, not everyone in this world is blaming you or upset with you." No one in this world can ever replace you Wally, I may have not known you for very long but truly I had a loyal friend while you were here and I can, in all honesty and with all my heart say that my life is better because you were a part of it.
07/12/2006-"A world full of killing and blood spilling that world never changed." All the hate and violence in this world, it is getting to the point where even I am feeling it. I know I shouldn't but the urge keeps boiling up inside me. At times, I just want to let it out, to release it, to let it go, run wild like a rampaging tornado. I know I will regret such action and although a few will be hurt, I will also be greatly affected. As for my other choice, although it may be the logical and legal path, I will have been vilified by a great many and even forsaken by those I hold dear. Is that really worth it? I could tolerate it and let it keep happening but that will just build up my aggression to the point I can no longer conrol it. Any of those paths, the consequence is the same, hatred by me or for me. I suppose this is something I must do. Einstein best put it, "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." And I cannot stand idle and let such be overlooked. So I guess my choice has already been made.
01/29/07-The new year brings many new, different and wonderful things. For me, today is a day to remember a dear, dear friend. A year ago from today, I had lost this friend, Krystel Leigh Madison. Indeed it was sad for so many that day, especially for those of us who hold her dear to our hearts. Her death hit those people the hardest. But there is a time for my personal grief and now is neither the time nor the place. Although this world is not the same without her, it had changed quite drastically while she was here. I must express that I am VERY honored to have had a chance to know her and consider her my friend and kindred. She made this shy guy walk into the spotlight, and let the world see for itself the kind of person I am, and that the world had a different side, one that was not as cruel as I had believed it to be. In turn, I had taught her about her heritage and the traditions and logic therein. What else can I say? There is nothing more to be said that hasn't already been said about her. I am honored to know her, honored to have had my life touched by knowing her, and to be a dear friend to her. She may not be in this world but I keep her in my heart so that she always be here. "Sometimes I try to tell myself, the light was never real. It's just a fantasy that used to be the way I used to feel."
06/11/2007-Sometimes, we lose our place in this world, but now is my time and my place to grow. Much has happened since I have last written. I no longer work in or live near Springfield or as some friends refer to it as, Springtucky, I moved in with the love of my life, and thing are going good. Well, it isn't without its rough spots, but such is life, there will always be rough spots, those are just inevitabilities. Besides, who in life does not have them? It appears the I have regained site of my goals and now I just have to re-establish and stabilize my situation. I look forward to what life has to offer me and growing both in my new job and in my life. Both are ever growing and always evolving. Next step is to save up for a ring so that I may start a new stage in my life.
06/25/2010-Today I saw a man lose his soulmate and a best friend say goodbye to his mother. It is my sadness as well as, with honor, I can say she was like a mother to me. Saying goodbye to her is something I find to be very difficult.
I bear witness to all the dear friends, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, and grandparents who all gather to say a final farewell to someone who made a great impact in their lives. How it only take one person to make such a big difference to so many. She will be missed by so many.
To children, mother is the name of God in their lips and in their hearts. It is the mother who bring us into this world, and it is the mother who sees us to or in the next world. When it is our time, we shall see her in that next world awaiting us.
For now, we must remember to keep her in our thoughts and in our hearts. She will never be forgotten and always be near, so long as we remember what she means to us. She is a mother, daughter, grand daughter, grandmother, friend, wife and most of all, to all who knew her, she meant the world. We will miss her dearly.
From your dear friend,
Nikk
08/02/2010-I see all the faces once again. It was about a month ago that we came together prior to this. At that time, I saw a man lose his soulmate and a very good friend lose his mother. Today, that same man passes, and I have to see the sadness of that very good friend of mine, and a mother saying her final goodbye to her son. Parents should never have to bury their own children.
It is a sad day for us all because we have to say our goodbyes to someone we hold very dear to our hearts. And he will be sadly missed whether it is by a son, daughter, brother, sister, stepson or parent. Regardless, all who know him have been changed just by knowing him. He was a grandfather, a father, a brother, an uncle and a son.
It is hard to see the bright side as we all miss him so much. He was born with pain, and he lived his life in pain. But as the true hearts go, he never gave up and made a life for himself and had a family that he loved so much. He made true friends who cared so deeply. And for me, he accepted me and trusted me as his stepson's best friend. For that, I am honored.
I won't lie, I miss him as well, and as his stepson mentions when he is at their home, I keep expecting them both to be there to say hello with a smile. He joins his soulmate in a place where there is no pain. We send with him our best wishes, and all our hopes. One day we shall see all who have passed on to where he has gone. In the meantime, we cherish his memory for so long as we remember him fondly, he will always be there with us. Take comfort at the least knowing that.
From your dear friend,
Nikk
09/25/10-They say that misery and loneliness love company. How true that is. It's been years since I last went out by myself or had to. Today I faced that world once again. I guess it really hit me harder than I thought because I never thought that I would ever have to face that world again. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have been forsaken. Looking at the world today, it seems I am the only one. I had gone out to eat thinking that there would be kindred souls at least eating alone. I only found one soul. It looked as if the years were not very kind to this person. He sat there like he had no more purpose, as if it were lost. Unfortunately, five minutes later I found that I was wrong for someone had come to join him. I saw his face light up as she approached and sat across from him. The whole time I sat there eating, not a single lonely soul came into the restaraunt to eat. It seems that everywhere I go I am forsaken. Even among the lonely kindred souls who seek the same goal, I am forsaken. Is this all that is left or all there is for me, am I really destined for this?
10/26/10-When you are standing where I stand, the world is a very cruel place. People say that no one deserves to be alone if he or she does not want to be. So why am I alone? The world seems to like to constantly remind me of that. I've few friends in this area and they have lives of their own which leaves me to wander out to this world all by myself. Everywhere I go all I see are people so happy to be together, a happy world of happy people and yet here I am alone. I don't want to be alone, and I have never wanted to be alone. But what can I do to show the world that I want to be among those who are happy? Why can't I be happy too? Why can't I find that special someone in my life? Why must I wait and go unheard? I just wish that someone would join me in my walk in life.
04/09/11-It is a new year but still have yet to see any changes in my own life. But today, I must put my own concerns aside and grieve for a loved one who has passed on today. She is my aunt, one of my caretakers when I was young and my parents were away, and my mother's oldest sister. Today I grieve but write this in gratitude for all she has done for me and the whole family. Thank you for all you have done for me, I will miss you dearly. I hope you tell all my loved ones who have passed on, that I think about them as well. I am greatly that you are no longer in pain but I miss you and will love you always,
You loving nephew.
07/20/2011 - A year ago, I fell from grace. I lost many things, a place to call home, a love to call my own. I lost so much more as well but I do not write this to show the world my pain. Although it serves as a reminder of that which I no longer have, it is also a milestone in my life. This past weekend, a true friend, Glen, came to visit me. He reminded me that although I have no home to call my own, or true love's embrace, that my life is better than it was a year ago. I may be alone, but I still have friends and family who care about and who have always been there in my time of need. Although I do not have a home to call my own, I have a great friend, Melissa, who took me in and provided me a safehaven from a world of apathy. I am blessed to have such people in my life. Lastly, I still have me, and I am still alive and well. I may not have what I did a year ago, but I am still here, and I will strive to find what I seek. I do not know if I will ever find it, but I have to do what I can.
10/29/2012-I wonder what I have done to deserve being alone. Why do you ignore me when we have never spoken, have never met or known one another, or crossed paths before? If I have done you and this world wrong, then I am sorry. I cannot make amends or give you recompense if I know not what I have done.
Email: banecyde@yahoo.com
Where it Begins
