ETERNALLY

Chapter Eight

Lost

Years had pasted, and life was as I knew it would never be the same. Where we now take off is in the year of 1998'. Now when you heard the name Izzy, you also thought of the name Shanna. We have been together for so long, since her age of 12 yrs. Now we were 20 yrs. Of age. Again she was pregnant, but we were living together. She had moved in with me in my fathers house shortly after Araina reached her childhood years. Things were simple, I was still in school then, she still attended a school for pregnant teens. I worked at a retail store, it was a good job. Overtime, holidays, all kinds of weather conditions. I was happy to work there. As a couple Shanna and I were good. At a certain point we prepared to move out. Shanna’s mother bought a house that Shanna and I could move into. We’d pay rent, my job paid good enough to afford rent. To go along with this we also were expecting a baby. Moving into this house was so awesome. Soon the baby was born, Israel Jr. We were expecting a girl, I was there to witness the birth. It was so surprising to see a boy in my arms, when you have a child you feel like God had just gave you one of the greatest gifts on earth. To have a son this time, felt like my mission was complete. Weeks went by and my break dance crew was already on the move. I started with a crew called, ”Natural Effects”, that didn’t go well due to differences within the crew. Then a crew called,”Shadow Kings” which included my uncle Jessie , Nathan , Justin , and Kevin. He was Laos. We did shows everywhere, a yearly event in downtown Nampa called, ”Good Ole’ Days”. Nathan and I use to teach break dance classes in Meridian, it wasn’t a success but that is where we met a bboy who was called, “FLY”. Soon after we came with a new name, “208" Idaho Breakers. We then took it to new levels. Fly knew operation codes to create our own website. I hooked us up with performances on radio, Bogies, Live Wire, Union Square Block, and a Idaho Steel Heads game(80's Night). We got a lot of attention, so I would meet a bboy named 2Silk, from Hawaii. He was awesome, better then all of us. He danced like we’ve never seen before. He soon took over, and started this crew called R.E.K (Recking Elite Krew). So “208" was turned into R.E.K. We’d practice at the house that Shanna and I lived in. Those were some good times. Israel Jr was so little, crawling’, flapping his arms from the ground up, making baby sounds. At this current point in time there was enough to sit down, rest your arms, your legs, your head, and take a deep breath. Now times were about to change. My job was discontinued and I had to find another job, I found one with the help Shanna's step father. He knew a guy that was in the security business, so why not. My first assigned area was the “Western Idaho Fair”. One of the best, best times in my life. I enjoyed watching people having fun, the faces, the sounds, plus I was getting paid. I didn’t get to enjoy the fair though. I worked all the days pretty much, the days I did have off, I spent with my family. During the evenings when the sun was down, I’d go to the back of this building(Expositions Building). Look up at the stars, and as I did I felt that my life was to be giving a new life. Although my times at the fair were pleasant, at home my times were about to be numbered. Shannas mother had started to visit us alittle too often. Telling us how to live in this house, chores that should be done her way. It was too much, I knew this was going to happen, I gave an opportunity for Shannas mother to have control over us and the way we lived our life. I moved out, I couldn’t stand the idea of being with a girl with a mother like that. So it was over. I moved in with my cousin Mario. His brother lived with him at the time, and here is where a new me approached the big screen, a different life, a different me.

Chapter Nine

LIVE

On the 10th of October 98', R.E.K was to appear at a dance called, “illa Jam”. This was held at Mardi Gras in downtown Boise. It started out very slow, there really was no one there. So the crew and I began to break on the dance floor. Soon the dance floor was growing and a girl stood out from among the crowd. Her hair was so fluffy, her eyes of an Korean, her skin glowing pale. I didn’t stare much. But this girl was different, she bumped into my arm as she walked by, I knew she did it on purpose. I found out that 2Silk knew this girl from his school. I went by to say hello, I was pulled by the ora she gave off. I never felt this way before. When I looked at her, stars were all around her. I introduced myself shook her hand, and ask if I may sit by her. She greeted me with a big smile, as she invited me to sit. I then couldn’t hold my erg to connect. I asked if I could hold her hand, she looked at me as if she has never been asked that before. I guess it was unusual. Her eyes shut half way, her smile stretched her face with her lips closed. “Yes”, she replied. We danced all night, we spoke about characteristics we’d find except able to have a relationship with. We grew so close. We exchanged numbers, and we soon became a couple. Now that I was single, most guys would hella take advantage. Instead I couldn’t find myself dating girl, to girl. I miss the connection of actually being with someone, sure I thought of Shanna. I thought about her a lot. But her mother was such a turn off. We’d try so hard in over the years to work things out, and with having kids it wasn’t any easier. I found a side of me that like being with this girl, her name was Breanna. Her family liked me, they knew I had kids, they excepted me for me. And that felt good. It wasn’t about looks, it was about how I felt inside. Nate would come down to Marios pad once in awhile, and we go to there high school. Where 2Silk and Breanna went to school at. When Nate and I would go to school we’d break dance in this class, it was so fun. Everyone would be cheering, and being with Breanna was great. After school I’d go to her pad, and kick it for awhile. We’d talk about her life, her mom, her ex, my ex, we were totally compatible. There were many songs we had together, “Let’s Ride” by Monell Jordan. On Halloween there was another dance at Mardi Gras. It was fun. The crew(Lil’ Pup,Squirt,Keth,Silk,Dane,Fly)was there, and so was my girl. As the night went by I noticed that Bre was hanging around some guys as I was dancing. I told her earlier I was cool with her to conversate with others. But they were offering her alcohol. She was excepting it. I wasn’t down with that, so I kinda had take I’m not talking to you attitude. She said she was sorry, but she was buzzin when it was time to split home. My eyes were open to this way of acting from a girl I thought was perfect for me. Days later she apologize often, so I was a somebody in her life. Now I asked Silk often if she was a good girl at school, not flirting and writing boys. He said she’s cool, nothing like that, she always talks about me. That’s good, I really felt good about this. On the other side, I would think about my kids. Growing up with out without me, just seeing me from time to time. I tell you I had nights were I just didn’t know what was happing to me. I wanted a new life, but I also wanted the life I was detaching from. I just didn’t want to be connected to Shanna, not my kids. I’d talk about it to Bre all the time, she was very supportive. The feeling I had inside was hurt, I wanted my kids. Nights Breanna and I would talk on the phone, about our past relationships, past family problems. And even about our future. Not like relationships now days, where you say your boyfriend and girlfriend. Where two people are actually planning, being honest and feeling so secure with one another. It was like bliss. A dream that you’d think you’d never have. This was my chance to be invited to a new life, a new heart......and I loved it. At this time I was employed at MCI. It was the bomb. I was planning to gain income like never before. Enough money for me, my kids, my new life. Before work I’d go and visit Breanna after school. I’d be waiting, hiding behind her as she opened her locker to put away her books for the day. I’d come behind her and close her eyes with my hands. She’d turn around and have the biggest smile ever. Aaaahhh..she was my baby. And I was hers. I’d walk her home, and always leave with the most gentlest, most sweetest kiss I could ever get from anyone. On my breaks at work I’d give her a call. We always had contact. When she wasn’t home I’d never stress. There was nothing to worry about. Nothing. Could you even imagion feeling this way? We were in this together, and there was no doubt in my mind that she’d ever do me wrong. One night on Bre’s birthday I did something I’ll always be ashamed of. On that morning, Shanna was sleeping at my fathers house. I was there, I missed her. We talked about Bre, what I liked about her. Well It came to Shanna and I having sex. It wasn’t like we were going at it, I let myself because I wanted to see if there was really any feeling for her. And there wasn’t. I had no longer wanted Shanna, that was it. That same morning I went to Bre’s pad. I was welcomed in and Bre was in bed. She was so cuddled up in bed. I slept in bed with her. I felt so much love for her, I wanted her, I truly did. And we then had sex. I felt as if I had found the love of my life. Those of you who have felt that feeling, you know what I mean. She will now be everything, my only. We fell asleep, when I awoke she was getting ready to spend time with her mother, and sister. They were going out to the movies, and later dinner with grandparents and uncles and all. I wanted to go, but I had to work. This job paid enough so Bre and I could move into an apartment together. We were very serious about us. After work I was suppose to meet heart this Inn. Shanna had to be at work the next morning, so I could only stay for alittle while. Bre understood that I watched the kids as Shanna went to work. But this night was so special. Her mother paid for this room so her sister and her could have the pleasure of being in a suite. I approached the front office. I called her room and told her I have arrived, she was glad, she thought I’d never come. As I approached her room, my heart was at ease, my mind and heart was made up, she was my girl. The door opened, she had such a beautiful smile. I gave her a big huge hug. We talked about her day, my day at work. In the room she had a very large bed, Jacuzzi, and beside it a crome pale full of wine coolers. Lit candles, it was beautiful. We started to undress ourselfs, first our tops, then our shoes and shocks, then our bottoms. We were completely awear of our bodies, we were completely satisfied as our bodies came into contact with each other. As the water from the Jacuzzi engorged our bodies, we began to drink our coolers. I messaged her back in the hot steamy Jacuzzi, It was so steamy, like a warm foggy day. With candles burning on the sides of the Jacuzzi, our desire to be one also began to burn. We made love so heavily, so soft. As the night went by we had many encounters in that room. When morning came it was way passed the time that I was suppose to be home to watch the kids. I called home and the kids were dropped off at my fathers house. I got dressed, and Bre and I went down stairs to eat some breakfast. Nothing fancy, we just talked about us. As I went home I heard this song on the radio. It was a song about how a son was distraught by his father leaving him at an early age of his life. It went to the center of my heart. I was so torn, I was for sure that my life was moving on, I had to go back to Shanna, I had to try one more time.

I was sad, I was sacrificing my love to be with my future loves, my kids and their mother. Now days went by without me getting into contact with Bre. I couldn’t, I told her she was the one, I was scared. The day came when Bre called my fathers house. Shanna happened to be there at the time. Bre asked if her and were still together. Shanna and her began to talk and found out about that morning. I felt bad, acouple days later there was a dance at Silk's high school. I was going to go, and Bre asked Silk if I was really going. He said yes. When I got there they wouldn’t let Lil Pup and another kid get in. They were too young. So I took them to Mardi Gras. Bre showed up at the high school dance, when she found out where I really was she called her sister too see if she could go to Mardi Gras. But she couldn’t, Silkly told me she looked all depressed, alone, dressed all nice. I know she knew that my love for the kids was great, but she just wanted to see me just one more time. I never got to see her. For months I thought about her, laying in bed, looking up at the stars, wondering how she was doing. Thinking what if? What if I stayed with her, what if this, what if that. It seemed every night that went by I felt an absents from my heart. I never really got over it.

The year of 99 came. I then saw her working at a retail store in Boise. I had just came down from an interview there. I was hired and I told her. This might of been close to a year by then. It was good to see her. But I had a place in my heart now, it was with my kids. I apologized about what I did to her, I really was sorry, I was ashamed and will always be. From there we just became friends. Now weeks went by working. I no longer was employed at MCI. I quit soon after Bre and I were seperated. There at work, standing behind the register. I was always reminded about my past. As music played over the store speakers. You just couldn’t help but over viewing your past failures. There were many of them, espeacially now. As a chid I never imagioned going through what I had been through. Shanna and I never thought we’d end up having a child, or going through so much emotional stress that we have indured. None the less, this was just the beginning. Work at Shopko wasn’t just work to me. It was time to think about my life. An added space for me to relax if you will. Our new born baby, Jr. was begging to become stronger. He didn’t wobble his head much anymore. We still lived in the house Shanna’s mother rented to us. I was not making enough money as I was before. So rent was becoming a strong point to think about. The month of June came in. One day Shanna walked into through the doors of Shopko. I was suprised, she didn’t like coming because of the girls who worked with me made her uncomfortable. She told me there was a death in the family. I was ready to hear that possibly an old relative or distant at that. She said it was “Jr.”(my aunt Cindy’s son, Darrell (Jr.) Nelson). Jr. was so young, bright, fun and quite. “No”...My mind, my head felt like srinking inside it self. My eyes wanted to feel tears, what I was feeling was sock. How could this be? Why?.................why? On the way to Nampa from Boise I started to wonder. The window was rolled down on my side and I was tring to grab hold of what inner soul I had. An attempt to communicate with Jr. Now I knew that something like this could possibly throw me over board. I wasn’t gonna allow this to happen to me. I kept quite and calmy asked Shanna what she knew of the inncedent.

I cannot remember the days excatly but Cindy and the kids, Jr, Shenna(his younger sister), Prissila(his older sister). Were at my house just days or a day previous. I was laying on the floor without a shirt. My aunt was joking on how my mid section has this look of fatness. I calmed it was muscle blocking my true muscle Well Jr. got a kick out of it. Acouple of minutes later they left out the door. Except for Shenna, she was spending acouple of days with us at my fathers house. Jr. was spending acouple days with our uncle Joe. They were planning on taking trip hunting. Well you may think by now that this was a case of a hunters misfortune. But the truth wasn’t held in a outdoor atmosphere. It was held in my uncle house. Our uncle Joe had three kids. The oldest Chanda, Blake, and the youngest Jake. Joe and his wife went to work the next morning, and Chanda and Blake went to school. Jake couldn’t go to school, mainly because Jr. was there. They did their chores, and around 11 a.m. Jr. was killed. Shot in the chest by a 45. The only person left in the house, was Jake. Jr. was 12yrs. And Jake was 10. It seemed that Jake went across the street to a neighbors house and then the neighbor was able to call 911. When authorities and the paramedics got there Jr. was announced deceased. The family was broking up. Torn apart if you will. Jake didn’t admit to pulling the trigger at first. Questioning by authorities was able to reveal the truth. He loaded the gun and as Jr. lay asleep, Jake pointed the gun 2 to 3 inches away from Jr’s chest and pulled the trigger. Half the family believed it was accident, half did not. When court came, Joes’ lawyer was able to present that Jake was playing an imaginary skit out of a James Bond theme. No mater what the courts threw at Jake defense. The victim was unable to testify that Jake meant to kill or to harm Jr. himself, when this action took place. Jake got involuntary manslaughter. No detention time was announced. Jake was to under go counseling, and monitored supervision. Untill the age of 21.

Months went by after Jr.’s death, as the months went by so did my relationship with Shanna. Soon after Jr.’s death, we began to have time between us. The time brought us to see other people. And soon enough it would tear us apart. During this time I met a girl named Van. She was Vietnamese, I met her at Shopko. She was a cashier there. She was short, thin, and cute. Her hair was like the first thing you noticed. It was so straight. Well anyways she was someone I could talk too. Someone I could feel not pressured around with. I some how found time to visit her, and usually it was a lie to get out of the presents of Shanna. I admit that we Shanna and I had problems. But having Van as a friend would throw her out of it, so I kept it quite. No my times with Van were mature. I’d spend time with her family. Her three brothers, her mother, and Van’s older sister May. I would also bring my son with me when I’d visit. The truth is that Van really did have feelings for me, and I was fearing the same. What turned into a friendship would turn into a kinda of a crush. Van’s family always excepted me into there house, and they treated me like a future husband. Infact it felt like it was gonna turn out that way. I’d sing karoke in veitnamese ,and they always tough me how to say things in their language. I had a feeling that I haven’t felt since Breanna. Her family invited me in just like Bre's family did. Well things were getting more interesting, Van knew my situatuion with Shanna. She told me that she’d like to move in with me when I would get my own place...lol. Well things would not go that far. I had a talk with Shanna, and to me it seemed that we would work things out. I told Van that I was going to try to make things better with Shanna. I was finding that there really was only one love that I was meant to feel for, and it was Shanna. Van was hurt, she felt Shanna didn’t deserve me and here when a girl treats me good, she loses him.

One night I went out to a rave. With some crew members I danced with. Well when I came home Shanna wasn’t around, neither was my son. I picked up to phone and star 69 it. I got a name and then on the reverse directory I found the address. I arrived at the address. And found that Shanna was in the home. The lights were off, and a dog barked due to my presents. I went up to a window, and found a couple in bed. It wasn’t Shanna. But Shanna was in the bedroom next to it. I yelled for Shanna to come out, and I wouldn’t leave untill she did. She then came, the first thing that striked me was that she was wearing a sweat shirt and sweat pants. They were not hers, they were the guy she was with. He came out without a shirt acting all defensive. He brought with him a shot gun, he fired it into the sky, I walked towards him saying,”You think that gonna do it? Try it”. As I began to turn the other way, away from him and Shanna. She reached for me and begged me not to leave. She then began to say that she was sorry, that she didn’t mean for it to go this far. But it did, and I was incredibly shocked. I didn’t know what to do, I figured that I should do what a mother would find excusable. So I slapped her three times. Not to my knowledge did I hit her. It turned out that I did. She followed me to my car, sat in my lap, wouldn’t let me leave unless I agreed to meet with her soon after. Cops came as I left the scene. Shanna had me agree to meet her and my son at a stop sign near by. So I left to the stop sign. Then my attention was directed to police lights coming my way. I parked my car and crouched down in it. As soon as the police was at a far enough distant, I took off. I raced to cross sections, stayed away from main intersections. I speeded across the back roads. I out ran a police car, I hid from one soon after. When I had arrive to my house, I contacted the police to see if Shanna was ok. When she was sitting in my lap tring to get me to agree on meeting her, the guy she was with wasn’t very happy about it.

I don’t remember what happened that next morning or days later. Its like a complete blurr. I do know though I was to show up in court for trespassing and domestic battery. I paid the fine for trespassing, but the payment for slapping Shanna was picking up trash on the side of the freeway for three weekends and angerment classes. I followed through with the classes. But by then Shanna left the kids and I for some other guy. Now the life I ever knew was gone, my breaking, the idea of ever having a happy family, everything was gone. What did God have in plan for my future, what about my kids, what was my duty in this life? Things were not going to be the same, I was to become a single parent of two. My life was turned upside down. What was I to look forward too? What was I about to become? I was about to find the true Israel Salinas.