"In Sanity"

Jokes


On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who's calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it's an American Airlines Flight, it's 3 o'clock.
If it's an Air Force fighter plane, it's 1500 hours.
If it's a Navy aircraft, it's 6 bells.
If it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
And, if it's a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Three folks, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied. "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get some lemonade."

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I once asked this literary agent what writing paid the best, and he said,

"ransom notes."

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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Subject: Guaranteed Success

4 worms are placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The secondworm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and screw, you won't get worms.

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Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota.
It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco.
She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab.
So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas.

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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the student said, and then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"

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Mental Health Hotline

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

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A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir."
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"
"Throw out another anchor."
"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."

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A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.
The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer replied, "Well, since everybody likes chicken legs, I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer replied, "Don't know. Haven't caught one yet."

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A cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find.
He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decides to do the lectures full-time. He hires a driver and purchases a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," says the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart." says the driver.
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right," says the surgeon.
The driver replies, "OK. You're on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
"You know..." says the driver. "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."

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Phillip, a fourth-grader, was an "A" student in arithmetic, but he was the worst speller in the class.
The teacher had him at the blackboard one day, trying to teach him to spell.
He was really having difficulty with a word when Jack, one of his classmates, blurted out, "Add an 'E', Phillip."
Frustrated, Phillip replied, "I'm not adding... I'm spelling."

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Bob was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him. Bob began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when Bob was calm, they asked him why he struggled so much. Bob said, "I remembered the impact. Then... nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

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