Log entry 24:1-27-01
Well, hello again, back after a long break. I've been watching TV. all day. and yesterday. trying to quit thinking about, six inch emotion, half-way anything. I want to be good at writing music, but it is just, just, not possible. I can't keep writing. goodbye.
Log entry 23:12-28-00
Ah, holiday. Holiday and I have been moping again. But thats Ok, right? everyone has their black moods, but some of us have more than others, right? I've been writing, but it sucks. I've been writing that depressed, repetitive, unbelieveably boring crap. I'm turning into DR. Healer. Oh well, I am coming back. I always write in code when I'm depressed. Hmm, I need to get out of this rut. I need to get a distraction, or something, anything, to take my mind off the important details. That last entry, well, I was wrong about my wild imagination, I am not hallucinating, I just... need too much. Well, the ugly little moth with grey splotched wings has died, and I wrote a eulogy for it. It sucked. Just more of that disgusting, self pitying dribble that I always spill all over the place. I think I'm going to redesign the cover page, it just doesn't fit me anymore. I need a Roman Candle on the front. Something that burns; fiery and fast. I want to be alive, but I feel like there is something weighing on me.
song of the moment-"I'll back you up"
"Kid A" is haunting me.
I've been drifting out of reality into my own imagination more and more. defense mechanism I guess. Well, I like it. If I can just focus it a little bit, maybe some good writing may come of it. Heheh. It feels like my sophomore year all over again. Last year feels like a distant dream, a long wistfull dream of wonderful sorrow and anxious wondering. Now I have only the emptiness of one lost possiblity mingled with endless halls lined with open doors leading to... nothing. Honey coated cardboard love. God I have got to quit this.
Log entry 22:10-25-00
Wow, it's been a long time since I have updated this page. This season has been so non-stop. I feel like I am in a sort of "lull" right now,in all respects, and I feel so... ok. not anything special, just, ok. though, I must admit, the thought of possibly getting into the composers workshop with Lowell Lieberman(I think i misspelled it) is really cool, and writing music is so exiting! I havn't written any prose or poetry in the longest time, and most of that which I have written isn't posted, as in , none of it yet, though I may get to that in a bit. I think that I'll have to make a new link too, for the music I have written. ah well, for another day. I also feel more optimistic about something else, which I thought was in bad shape, but it turns out that I have a very vivid imagination(heh, hmmmm.) Sara will know what I am talking about. Welcome back BEN! I was quite surprised to see you and it rather startled me. I had the strangest sense deja vu at the moment I saw you, I felt I had dreamed that instant some five or so months ago. I was also in a bad mood at that moment; as I mentioned before, my imagination had been playing tricks on me throughout that weekend. As a result of the deja vu combined with the pissiness of my state of mind, my reaction to your sudden materialization was surprising, even to me! anyway, I have gone through so many "stages", or long-term moods, since last I wrote to "ya'll". First I settled in habit, then I fell into a little stress, mingled with anticipation of the upcoming DAVE MATTHEWS BAND concert sept. 15 followed by the concert (the most spectacular night of my life so far) and the after concert feeling of tired beyond belief, but satisfied and happy to be alive. This was followed by a few weeks of slow slipping into the stressful feeling, and then a few weeks of depression interspersed with the most insane mood swings I've ever felt. Just yesterday I completed the fight back to "ok" and now the anticipation of STATE is becoming a greater factor. That is the basic summary of what has happened since 8-16-00, omitting the most important details, of course.
song of the moment for 9-15-00:Satellite, Dave Matthews
song of the moment for 10-23-00:All My Friends, Counting crows.
song of the moment: Symphonic Metamorphosis (movement two), Paul Hindemith
Log entry 21:8-16-00
The first day of school, and already i feel as though i have been there a semester. Health should be ok, band fun, and english an absolute blast. the problem lies with Calculus, which should be not a joy of learning and discovering new things, but a hell of conflict and specks of animosity, if i have judged my teacher accurately. I simply cannot abide idiots and those who pander their teaching style to them with no concessions for the possibility that someone will have no trouble understanding the material, as I plan to do.
ah well, no need to bitch about that too much now, I am sure the fullness of time will find the follow up and companion to those words in mood and content will soon follow!
I will eat this school for lunch.
I am vicious, I will stop at nothing, I will not fail.
Even the mighy contact lenses are no match for me!
To read old entries in my journal feels strange. I was so weak, so ... I don't know. Now, I am back, perhaps for the first time since my early childhood, in full force of character, not merely fully aware of my surroundings, but, I think, fully aware of my place in them. Perhaps it will seem strange to the reader, but I feel almost like I am not trapped in my body, but am flying about over my own head in the form of a butterfly. When I speak and act, it is not the being which you see speaking and acting, that body is possesed and operated from the invisible moth which flutters about it's head. the flying insect which so often has sprung forth from Rowan is now free from his body altogether, and roams about at will, blocked from nothing and no one, exploring the happiness and the pain of humanity with intense delight, and still finding the time to run Rowan's own life besides!
the window and the door are open, will you go through?
or will a fear of life possess you?
Log entry 20:8-12-00
I need to hurry up and finish Jane Eyre, I'm already pushing it on the time limit as it is.
been surfing about, checking out peoples pages, places I've never seen. Reading some journals backwards,
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. -Kierkegaard
It began, or rather, the most recent entries, were refreshing, finally, a teenager who seems different in a way that is not, well, the same. But then it came back around, and she was normal again. Writing stuff about sitting on the floor and crying. well, I am tired of it. right now, I feel as if I am just being born, everything feels fresh and new and exiting again, I feel like a child. ohh, look at that! and over there, how beautiful! I feel like "Pines of the Appian Way" by respighi. The thing with Colin that I wrote, the beneath Big Ben business, i think I want to explain. I created Colin to house the original Rowan, the one who was less Joel and more... something else, I won't say exactly what. I again felt the need to speak with this character, so I could feel his life and understand him. I often write prose as a way to help me get inside others heads, real and imaginary. It works quite well, in my opinion. I need to express my thoughts in order to clearly understand them myself. 'sad because it's just better' vs.'happy for the same reason',vinegar vs. honey ,empty arms vs. empty love. the window and the door are open, will you go through? The honey is poison, but the vinegar will kill you too.
Log entry 19:8-3-00
It's been a while since I was on here, and progress is sporadic at best, because marching band has given structure to my life once again. I am not mad, or miserable about marching band itself, but I am wishing that I had a little more time to write, and run, and ... Well, I ran a race last saturday, and it re-inspired me. I am determined, I am bent, to break 20 minutes before halloween. wish me luck, I'll need it. Rowan has been hibernating since washington DC, but I have a feeling he may be back, or maybe Sona will come back, or maybe another visit from the ghost, though I doubt it has the courage to show it's face right now, I'm just too strong, invincible. except for my contacts, which are still refusing to go in, when I can find them. I am feeling alternately intensely hopeful and courageous about the upcoming year and life in general, and depressed and despondent about human nature in myself and others, and life in general. Sometimes, I feel it welling up inside of me, often at the worst times possible, and I want to scream and shout at the people around me "You fucking selfish human, you envy-stricken, hateful, spiteful, self-absorbed, shallow beyond belief, insecure, human! human! why do you make hell on earth! leave hell in it's place, untouched, unrealized, quit consigning others to it. don't walk through it blindly, speaking to one god with your mouth and another with your heart and life." I'm sick of hiding what I think. I'm sick of falling so very short of my own ideals.
Can you tell a green field, from a cold steel rail?
Fools are we
If hates the gate to peace
This is the last stop
For raining tears.
Here there's more than is showing up
Hope that we can break it down
It's not so black and white
May the peace of christ go with you.
Log entry 18:7-6-00
Well, I was just reading an old chat box on ICQ, and was struck, again, by how stupid I am. It was just one stupid thing after another. Man. How could I have said such stupid things! I am always left absolutely astonished by how much I change every single day when I read stuff I wrote in the past. I wish I had the note I wrote later on the same subject. I'm sure it is so unbelievably full of retardedness that I would choke just to read it. choke. I'm watching a kids tv show on PBS. Between the Lions. It's pretty good.
Thought of the moment: I shouldn't have read that chat, it's making me quite depressed.
Log entry 17:6-10-00
Hi there, not much to say today, really feeling about as low as possible for a number of reasons, but mostly one big one, which I don't want to talk about, since none of you were there. I try to distract myself, but the silence of the "alarm" keeps me awake.
song of the moment: The Bends
feeling of the moment: The Bends
sound of the moment: silence
truth of the moment: Liz is so smart, even when she doesn't mean to be
something I'm starting to notice: My hair is getting into my eyes, and I look like crap, but it doesn't really matter does it? because that's only on the outside. (or is it?)
resolve of the moment: give up on finding my Esmerelda
Log entry 16:6-2-00
with this next installment in the Rowan saga of sorts, Rowans character takes and interesting turn. Particularly in Jacob's Ghost, Rowan comes much closer to representing a part of myself, and a big part, and further from representing an ideal person. Rowan is now quite far from being the Rowan of my stunted little mistake (Mars). Rowan is now far more real, far more... well, I think you guys are smart, and so I better shut up now.
Log entry 15:5-25-00
The road stretches out before me. I reach for my blue heaven and loose myself. I look at my watch and realize that I should probably start back for home soon. I turn, hoping to find a through street. The twilight diminishes further. I think I see a street that will work, so I turn onto it. In between street lights, the blackness creeps in, and the first fireflies of the summer etherealy flash and disappear. The street turns and twists, I end up on a road I do not recognize. A little fear creeps in. I turn left and find a main street, oh man, Danieldell! This is exactly the street I had hoped to cut out,to save time, the very same street I had turned off of originally! I know where it goes, though, so I take it back. Off the street a little ways the bullfrogs croaking gives the night an eerie quality coupled with the flood of light on the street and the distant flashing of the fireflies in the meadow. The smell of the summer night. I reach Santa Fe and turn right, this street I really know, from here, I have a twenty minute trip to get back home. I look at my watch, eight minutes until my planned run time expires. Oh shit... I just keep on, as I begin to grow slightly delirious. The lightning bugs cease, my watch beeps 9 O'clock, I stumble forward, as my delirium grows into mildly hallucinatory paranoia. I hear a siren approaching, then over the hill it flies. Have you ever stared down an approaching police car at night with lights and siren going? There are maybe six bright light on the car that blind you, you can't tell if it's a police car or small ambulance until it passes, and the siren is awful. In my minds eye, I stumble in front of the police car as it is bearing down on me. Passing over a bridge, I see myself tripping on the guard rail every time a car passes in the lane next to me. Cresting the next hill, I throw my head back a little more, breath coming faster. Before me, a green light, appears to be a couple hundred yards away. Ha, I laugh, when I get to that light I'll be just ten minutes from home. My imagination reaches out to the light like Gatsby and the dock light across the bay. Without the slightest variation in my stride, I am now swimming, my mind flooded with hormonal pain killers, through the bay, striving for the green light. After a couple of minutes, I reach the light as it changes to red again, and I float the rest of the way home. After getting back, my mind throbbing forcefully, my shirt soaked with sweat, I get a drink and cool down for thiry more minutes. Then clothes directly into the washing machine just like mommy says, and I take a shower, then go to bed, twelve minutes and a couple of paranoic hallucinations more tired than I had planned to be. Getting lost on the way to my blue heaven.
Log entry 14:5-14-00
OH! that was good for me. yesterday was a long day, but I think I found some peace. at
last. well, it started, and then some stuff I don't want to talk about in here happened, and
then I did my first game started, and I got to do some stuff and get tortured for a little
cash, then two more, less eventful games. then, I went home and got irritated at the
helpless feeling you get when you wait. Then I left, and played with some candles and
watched people cry. then I sat in a corner and watched my faith in human nature, what
little there was, die. then I sat in the corner some more, and talked to a stranger, and it
freed my spirit. then I danced , and smiled, and wondered what you thought, not
aggressively, or irritatedly, but in an amused and half-laughing curious way. then I
wondered at the weight of bitterness that had built up and how good it felt to be rid of it.
I remembered that we're all human, and share at least that much in common.
Log entry 13:5-9-00
and then, simplicity again proves to be best. and maybe i have it right this time. until now, i was just perceptive enough to be confused, you were just transparent enough to be confusing. and always quite degastado, quite worn out and tired, weary. as i opened my eyes, you softly shut them with your fingers, the weariness flowed off of me. as i lay awake in bed, it stayed quite banished, and my closed eyes continued to see you. The car lights flashing as they passed; the glowing silver cord between body and soul; chest rising and falling a little faster as my hand and face became illuminated with the green beacon of the heart; yellow means go; whisper of the fox; the speechlessness of Bao Dai; the feeling of adrenaline rising to my neck, chocking the vocal chords; the hesitation, the disclaimer, and finally the answer.
I understand. I understand.
I am happier. Well, at least i can shake this awful degastado, this weary worn feeling. Maybe i will finally start writing about something new.
spring, then summer. the time of changes. i'm begining to see already the me who is emerging, will emerge fully fledged next year.
The Toros have moved and changed their name and I don't know where to find them!
my parents suck. bad. bad. bad. bad. bad. bad. bad.
Log entry 12:4-28-00
Ok, Rowanland is, well, just what it seems. Not to fancy, just another of my insignificant atempts to express what I think/feel in words. The links are in the order of my favorite at the top and my least favorite at the bottom. I have a few things written but not typed, so mebe a few more will go up there soon. This, well, the past seven days, i have undergone a transition, a change, which may continue or may be finished. It has been wrought by a very slight and minor realization which has led, so far, to a small spate of epiphanies on a veritable pluthera of things, which include such topics as myself, people I know, people i don't, and others topics of less importance. All extremely humbling (in a healthy way, I think, we'll see and judge by what results as well as the cause). Two examples of the manifestation of these "epiphanies", that I can actually talk about are first, the part of the diary entry below which adresses the characters of ToTC, and a recent re-reading of a story in the Silmarillion, Beren and Luthien. When I re-read it(upon inspiration caused by a g-book signing which mentioned a certain part of another story), I noticed for the first time, the extremely minor character of Daeron the Musician, and he sprang fully formed into my head. I think he may make an appearance in Rowanland if the current pattern of change continues. This, I think, better explains any fit of insanity i may have shown (or will show).
Log entry 11:4-23-00
wow, I wrote that last entry up here a long time ago! I've made some changes, and i think i'll explain them. Nothing more will come of the mars bit, for those who didn't know already. what is left? only the characters., survivors include Rowan (only slightly different, think, Rowan before the events of the book.) Ben,(only not the same Ben) and I don't know who else will be surfacing soon.The reason I ditched the project is largly because of Rowans character, and the fact that I needed two of them to do what i wanted. now, Rowan is fresh. rowan is the major character in my mind right now. He is not me, but he is a part of me. Rowan is an idealized person, a feeling i have, or a class of feelings that run strong in my mind. He is not completely formed yet, and as my relationships with those around me change, who he is exactly evolves as well. the initial birth of rowan was the representation of the ideal man. He has become more than that, but he still remains that in my writing. He is accompanied by a swarm of others, who are, in my opinion, the parts of myself not already represented in Rowan. since rowan is somewhat ideal, the other characters,(like Ben and Jordan) may appear to be, err, jerks, and, quite simply, they are. Lately, I have become more aware of my inner ass-hole. cont...
well, now it's tomorrow and i'm finishing up yesterday. In contemplation of the characters of A tale of Two Cities, i have become aware of a very striking resemblance between myself and mr Stryver, the appropriately named pushy lawyer who takes a fancy to Lucie, and hires Carton to do his work for him.
Log entry 10:3-12-00
and then, simplicity again proves to be best. I hate waiting generaly, though I had settled into a sort of stupor, the playing of the waiting and watching game, since probably the turn of the year. Of course, i have had limited dealings with wild creatures such as rabbits and deer, and so i know my own propensity for misreading the signs. I value friendship highly, and think it is quite important to discover and maintain relationships with those we share something with and find entertaining. of course. I don't ever wish to do anything to upset friendship (am i spelling it right guff?). There are times when i think i may be wrong about myself, hell, sometimes i think i'm not half as bad as i am. Good to get correction on that count, self-esteem is so fucking dangerous. I suspect I'm not completely right about myself, hell i never am completely right about anything. theres even the thought that crosses my mind, "what the hell can you be looking for?". Ha, for those of you who even halfway understand what i'm talking about, don't worry about it, i'm over it. And if you completely understand what i'm talking about, please forget it. After all, I will continue to practice what I preach, and be happy with the lot I am given. DO TRY TO MISUNDERSTAND ME. Hehe, you know what I find quite funny, you all can't tell whether i'm being sarcastic or not, and I'm sure as hell not going to tell you!
:)? I don't think so, more like ;( yes that's much better for me.
rest assured. completely friendly
Person of the moment:John Shine
Book of the moment:Great Expectations
Log entry 9:3-7-00
SO I decide, a month is enough to make you wait
(if you are, and if you're anything like me, you are!)
I have neglected my duties to this site and apologize to those who (repeat last half of last sentance).
now i'm going to try to make up for it by doing someting major to this site. the first sub plot of the Mars thing is really starting to shape up in my mind.
"If I had known what Edna Pontellier was going to do I would not have included her in that company" -K Chopin
"Rain down, Rain down on me... Halleluia" thom
"'Thank you for coming to this
parent teacher conference','thank you for getting me out of work!'"-Simpsons Writers(God bless the whole disillusioned lot of 'em)Have you beheld the fullness of the power that moves all that people do, the invisible strings they really do exist and I don't mean cheese, though my mom thinks cheese is second only to God(so she's giving it up for lent).
Lent is awesome.
Log entry 8:2-4-00
hmm. stuff is really starting to catch me now. you may have noticed, my faithfull friends, that little has been done with this page in quite sometime. and the next instalment of the mars thing i threw away in chemistry today because i was reading it and marking out the extraneous stuff and i realized, it's almost all extraneous. this really sucks! so i threw it away. hmm, it may be a little while before the next one gets posted, i need another jet of inspiration. mabye it will come this weekend? if not, then it will definetly be a while."Mr. Dillard writes like and assassin. He's the Arrrggghh the yellow yammer when they see the great What-Not opening before them."
-New York Times
hehe, Mrs. KAckermann is the best.
i wish right now that you had to dial +44 before you called my house.(hehe)
I have had a series of days where i have felt really darn tootin' good. but i feel like that might be swiftly coming to an end, the tickle in my throat forbodes a storm approaching. I bought some cassetes to record stuff with today at radio shack. i paid with cash but, like an idiot i gave them my address when they asked. I am so stupid. If a person knows the right question to ask me i swear they could get anything out of me. one of you may know personally what i'm talking about. don't get me wrong, i'm very good about keeping secrets, but when it comes to direct questions or stuff like yes or no i have trouble giving the wrong answer. good for multiple choice tests, bad for real life!
Log entry 7:1-15-00
i had this feeling
hopelesness
resignation
man
somebody knock me unconcious
why is it i feel this way?
some kids live sheltered lives
spend all their time in packing peanuts
LIVING IN PEANUTS
Hello, my name is Charlie Brown
my best friend carries a blanky,
my dog is better at school work than me,
my true love I know as "Red Haired Girl",
Everyone I know has unrequited love,
My freind Lucy tortures me for a small fee
but if i am lucky she'll do it for free,
I'm stupid, untalented, and clumsy,
I am a Loser.
Hello, my name is Charlie Brown.
My blanky is my best friend,
I work at my school work like a dog,
My true love does not exist.
everyone i know has unrequited love,
for someone else,
my friends torture me without knowing it
I'm smart, talented, and reasonably fit.
I am a bigger loser.
what is the difference between charlie brown 1 + 2?
one can run the treadmill of life faster
what does that get him?
very tired.
Log entry 6:12-31-99
Yesterday I went to the DMA and saw the Georgia O'Keefe (last day open, man am i a
procrastinator)
it was pretty cool. especially the tree thing. I bet you didn't know they have jazz up there every thursday in the evening. There was this really talented jazz quartet (sax, trap, bass,
piano) up there when i went. I was like, man forget the art, this is artistry in rhythm, this
is live jazz! They played Coltrane, Armstrong and other such "cookin'" artists, it was
really something. Today i practiced twice and went for a run. I was starting to feel bored
with the neigborhood around me and thought "where is someplace that would stretch me
distance wise that i could run to? I said "Dad, how long would it take me to get to
Harrington Park?" He said "Well, to grandmas house is fifteen minutes, and the gas
station at the corner of alexander is another seven, and to get all the way through to
Harrington would take another five minutes, so there and back at a good brisk pace
would be a solid 50 min. run. I think you could do it."
I'm thinkin', well? that may
be just a little bit more than i can do comfortably at this stage in my "training" which is
really just an occasional thing i do when i feel like it. Then it occured to me, "Hey, I can
drive!" so i drove to Harrington and ran around through the neigborhood cause i know
someone who lives there, and strangely, he saw me as i went by, the entire carter family
was laying out on the lawn of his house on limetree, and ian said with typical
obviousness, "Hey, I know him. That's, umm, Joel." as his little nine year old brother
pretended to shoot me with a toy gun. Thank god for the NRA and Americas gun culture.
Oh, well. Anyway, i went on to get back into the park (that neigborhood is confusing)
and ran around it a couple times, and noticed some grafiti on the bathrooms. Then i
turned into the wooded area behind the little kids fields, where i noticed an increasing
density of grafiti. One ironic little piece of spraycan scrawl was writen on the beautiful
curving limestone bank maybe fifteen two twenty feet high, it read "Thanks for the
space." When i saw this, I stopped and thought for a moment, "Ah, the continuation of
the pattern." It seems that ever since our species has emerged from peerdom with that
perfect model of the beauty and flaws of the capitalist system, nature, we have been
writing that on the walls with insincere sarcasm. Yeah Earth, thanks for the space,
thanks for the abundance, now watch me rape you with relentless abandonment, not
even thinking of the future of my own race. When I was finished with my run, i got into
the car after a drink of water and drove home. The relaxed feeling after a run, along with
the slow jazz balad featuring piano that was playing on the radio kept me barely above
idling speed in residential areas, and well under the speed limit on danieldale and main.
Ah, the therepudic qualities of running. I highly recomend it to any and all people. I find
that after running i am physically unable to be angry or depresed or anything but tired and
content. As long as I can run, i don't think i'll do anything like kill twenty people or
commit suicide or go insane.
Log entry 5:12-26-99
I took a little brake from the computer. And practicing. families really are something else. i like my moms next younger sister and her family, especially her husband and twin 9 yr old boys. they are at my house for the week. i don't like my dads next younger sister's family much because they are unreasonable sometimes. the dad is pretty cool, and the younger of the two sisters is OK. but the older sister and the mom seem to seek out opposition and confrontation in an unreasonable way. the two sisters fight all of the time, and the older one reminds me of a certain senior trumpet player because she thinks shes better than she is, and had idunno, easily offended, which can make it really difficult to survive my brother and i. we can be one heck of a team when we want to badger or joke with or make fun of someone. those that can handle it love it but those that can't really run into trouble, because me and james never no when to quit. yup. in sunday school, me and james have run of just about every single girl in the whole place. i don't kno why it is, but girls are both easier to play with and more fun. don't get me wrong, we offend lots of boys too. but it seems like it always goes to far with family and sunday school girls. What is the worst is when james and i will sense that the older sister is starting to crack and we get on the younger sister, and the older sister immediately jumps on her younger sister too, only she is vicious and mean spirited and it just isn't funny and the younger sister starts to send insults back and the sparks start to fly. at this point me and james step back and start to keep score and tell them when they're ahead. we're laughing, they're screaming, the babies start to cry, and somehow my dad finds a way to blame it all on us. Oh, well. with the right attitude, it's all laughable, as long as i only have to deal with them a couple times a year, it'l be ok.
Log entry 4:12-22-99
I went to school to practice, which was fun. Yesterday, i got to talk to someone, which was fun. I like to talk with people. Today, Mr. Beck, a trumpet guy, was doing a clinic for us, which was also good, he had some different ideas, and described me as the "guy who practiced too much". I guess that might be true, but if it is, too much is not enough. I left the clinic early cos my uncle and aunt and cousins (twin boys age 9) were at my house from florida and my mom wanted all of us to go hiking at the nature center. This was cool. I like the Dallas nature center because its like right in the middle of one on the biggest metropolitan areas in the state and its like, wild. i went on the "cedar brake" trail because it's the one people never go on. it's different from the other trails because it is mostly shady. the tree are big and close together in some areas so that the tree grows up and up and there is a little bit of green on top. it's like a wimpy texas version of those rainforest shots from underneath the canopy, except its all juniper trees. Hehe. well anyway, the smell of juniper trees is something i like. my family has a tradition of chopping down our christmas trees from this forested property my grandpa has in one of the "underdeveloped"
areas around duncanville. the trees really have a strong smell, especially the berries. I used to keep those berries around all the time just so i could smell them, i collect everything. once i collected a bunch of "shells" from out there. ha funny how i didnt think "hey, shells are created by animals, maybe they are still inside". the little creatures that lived in those shells died in the box where i kept them and started to fall out of the shells. that was fun, eh.
Log entry 3:12-19-99
Alright, sound is starting to work, but i'm still frustrated by what i can't do. I din't go to school to practice on friday and didn't practice well because of it. I have started to run again which is really good because it always feels good to run. it's a major way to vent. i bet if those columbine killers ran they wouldn't have killed anyone. i don't have the energy to be depresed or angry or extremely anything, except tired. But it's a good tired. i feel satisfied with things when i am just back from a run. i think there is something about doing bodily workout that brings us back into touch with our primative selves. it sounds really fruedian and fake but if you've experienced it you know that the body is made to run and doing it kind of satisfies a sort of primal urge. it's like that comercial where it's new years day and the guy gets up to run and the whole world is falling apart with bombs and faulty atms and stuff and he's just running and he passes another runner and s
Log entry 2:12-13-99
OOOHHHH! the sound thing isn't working, but the painting thing is, check it out if you havn't already. School is almost out, and I'm not going to do any more work until 2000!
Log entry 1:12-8-99
I feel so smart! I am making this page with "pure
html" and I don't know anything about it! If you can
read this, then I guess it's working OK.
I am enjoying this page making stuff, so whether
it is read or not is immaterial. That's also why
I write music, because even though I'd like for
other people to like my music, as long as I like it,
it's Ok if they don't. The problem with pure html
is that there is no spell check! I am having a good
year. Everything that could go one way or the other has been going my way. I think I am better able to appreciate having a good year than most people because I've gone through years that have not gone right at all. I have had trouble though because having a good year has made it more difficult to connect with my religion. It seems at times that the only people that make sense that I talk to are those who are not Christian, and all the Christians are close-minded and dogmatic in their views,(not to mention stupid\wrong\unable to support what they think). It's because of times like this that I am glad I go to the church that I do and that my parents are unlike the "other christians" and say things that make sense.
